I'm not altogether sure why I'm starting this, except that I do better when I write things out. I'm a writer; it's what I do. I've done it for a very long time, in different ways and places. So I suppose this might as well be one of them.
The beginning is always the best place to start. But where do you place it?
If we want to start with mine, well, it is a long story and one I find not generally understood by most people. We may come around to it eventually, though. In short, however, early childhood was hellish and has left me with huge issues which scar me to this day.
Put it that way, though, and I think most people are going to assume that my home life was terrible. It wasn't. It was frustrating at times, but home was overall a good and safe place. School was my dark hell. I don't think I gained much out of it, education-wise, but I came out of it with PTSD, trust issues, issues with any and all authority, low self-esteem, clinical depression, paranoia, and probably mild schizophrenia. (And I'm probably forgetting a few things in the list. Some are officially diagnosed, others self-determined).
However, I got out of it alive, as did those around me, which is more than many can say. I'm trying not to regret that.
I was recruited at age 12 to a library-based youth book club. I joined the following year because you had to be 13 to join. At age 14, I recruited a slightly older mentor from the group. He helped me polish my writing skills, and introduced me to many things, including Dr. Who and the local BBSes. I still consider him my beta reader/editor. He's a mathematician now, by the way.
The BBSes are where I first met Jai. He was sysop of one board and co-sysop of another. He had the screen name I wanted, and that led to our first chat on his BBS. A great many more followed.
We found a compatibility of the mind. We didn't always agree on topics, but we rarely argued. We connected deeply, even before we met in person. (So, yes, short version "We met online".) It's entirely possible we might never have met in person, except that our local BBS culture had summer BBQs with volleyball games at parks. (Also Halloween parties and movie nights). Given my issues with people, I probably would've skipped those entirely, but I think he may have talked me into giving it a try.
For reasons relating back to school hell, had we met in person first, I'm quite sure I'd have rebuffed him -- not for any rational reason, mind you, but he fits a physical type I have difficult associations with. Not all passions are positive, but they're often powerful in their influence, nonetheless.
He became my friend, my trusted confidant, my peacetime ally. I told him everything, or thought I did. On recent check-in, though, apparently I failed to tell him about my suicidal tendencies. Part of it comes from straight depression, part of it from other things, both of which he did know of, so perhaps I assumed.
Alternately, perhaps it didn't seem appropriate to divulge under the circumstances, or just didn't come up under same circumstances. His girlfriend, Star, came to live with my family for a while, to attend in-town school. She'd tried to commit suicide in her previous living situation (which wasn't her family, by the way). For clarification, I should mention that Jai was homeschooled (though not, apparently, his whole life), as was his girlfriend. He asked me if I could help; I asked my mom; she agreed. I think everybody met everybody before full agreement was made.
So mentioning my suicidal tendencies may have seemed terribly inappropriate at the time, and I may have assumed he knew since then.
And you'd think trusting one suicidal girl to another would be sheerest folly. But I knew where she was coming from, and I think it helped some. We became friends, too.
Then I fell in love with her. First love. Which is bad enough, by itself, but this was also the first emotion I'd felt in some years -- I'd thought they'd died within me. It was fire on a dark winter night.
They were together... so I did nothing, said nothing, just roiled with the feeling. Then they broke up. Well, they'd done that before and gotten back together again, so I waited until I was sure it was a permanent breakup. then I made my feelings known to her. She returned them, at least tentatively.
Our relationship developed for a while. Then, the day I felt sure and happy that she loved me... she went to his house and never came back. Never called. Silence.
Did I call? I think I did, and I think Jai's mother shut me out. I had my mother call, and she conveyed a message from his mother: to never contact them again.
It near broke me. It was a very dark day.
Eventually I pulled myself together, and tried to respect what I'd been told. I didn't call. I didn't email. I avoided his BBS. But some connections are hard to break, and I think I was back on his BB in about two weeks time. He immediately broke into chat with "Where have you been? What's wrong?"
So we talked. We did argue, as I recall, about who had more claim on the girlfriend. That was fairly futile, and ultimately boiled down to it being her choice. The "never contact us in any way again" came from his mother, not from him or the girlfriend, and I believe he spoke to his mother about it subsequently.
Fences were mended. Friendship renewed on both their parts. Not a bad ending, as such things can go in adolescence drama. But it was not an introduction to love I'd recommend to anyone.
Initially I identified as lesbian. Later I identified as bisexual. Then I had the attention of two boys (also from the BBSes, mostly). Call them Bishop and Adric. I couldn't decide, and didn't really want to, I think. I proposed a triad. Or perhaps it was a V, since while I wanted everyone to love each other as a group, neither guy was going to do anything sexual/romantic together.
There wasn't much to draw on as a young poly. The adult boards on the available BBS networks were largely closed to me, wherein I might have learned something about such things. There was fiction, of course. Hard to miss it in SF/F. Heinlein is prominent. But he doesn't ever tell you the difficult bits of managing multiple relationships. Others were "And in the future you can marry any sentient being you want, in any combination, and some planets have elaborate extended families... but this is just colorful background, so back to the story...."
So we stumbled along until we broke up. Given that neither guy wanted to be in a triad/V. it was inevitable. It felt fairly natural to me, though, for all that it was probably doomed from the beginning. Later I dated them both of them separately, which worked out better relationshipwise, but these also broke up eventually.
Jai and Star were around for this, too. We talked boyfriend/girlfriend/ship issues.
Because of Jai and Star, I was eventually able to escape the school system entirely. I spent two winters, from 16 to 18, in a three room treehouse, in a local intentional community, where Star's family was based. It was a good place, a good time. A particular stupid personal decision, probably based on loneliness and insecurity, led me away from it and back into my family home.
I should mention that Star became pregnant at 15, when Jai was 17, and they got married.
Home led me to community college, because I needed something to do and it pleased my mother. I got my AAS, covering most core subjects, with a slight emphasis on psychology.
I met Liam there. Another friend introduced us. He was annoying. But persistent. He was recently out of the military, and out of his previous marriage, and primarily there for a social life. He was running a novelty telegram business. He was funny. He pursued me; he pursued the friend that introduced him to me. He pursued pretty much anything female that breathed on her own, and didn't do too badly in his pursuits.
I squashed his green fedora many times. At one point I told him to go away, leave me alone, and never talk to me again. He did... for a while. Then previously mentioned friend persuaded me to talk to him again. Friendship developed over time.
I didn't expect or want anything more. But when I went away to the SF Bay Area for a four year college, he gave me a place to stay over the summer. That was interesting, as he took it as a challenge to learn how to cook chicken properly. Lots of overcooked dry chicken, or burnt outside, raw inside chicken that summer. But he did do it right by the end of the summer.
My second year in college, things went downhill quickly. The depression kicked into high gear. I hied myself off to the school counselor. That was an exercise in futility. She didn't interact. It was like dropping rocks in a still pond. Then I found myself exceedingly fatigued. Sleeping probably 23 hours of 24, it seemed like. Quite literally unable to keep my eyes open. Staying awake half an hour after sleeping for four or eight hours was the most I could manage. When I was awake, I was felt... a lot like I did in my early school years. But the environment was different, the season was different, none of my triggers were present.
I contacted my mentor, who happily was only a short distance away in his own college. He came out, we talked. He eventually got me back to the school counseling system, to someone a bit higher up, I think. Ultimately, I was admitted to the psych ward for suicidal desires.
The beginning is always the best place to start. But where do you place it?
If we want to start with mine, well, it is a long story and one I find not generally understood by most people. We may come around to it eventually, though. In short, however, early childhood was hellish and has left me with huge issues which scar me to this day.
Put it that way, though, and I think most people are going to assume that my home life was terrible. It wasn't. It was frustrating at times, but home was overall a good and safe place. School was my dark hell. I don't think I gained much out of it, education-wise, but I came out of it with PTSD, trust issues, issues with any and all authority, low self-esteem, clinical depression, paranoia, and probably mild schizophrenia. (And I'm probably forgetting a few things in the list. Some are officially diagnosed, others self-determined).
However, I got out of it alive, as did those around me, which is more than many can say. I'm trying not to regret that.
I was recruited at age 12 to a library-based youth book club. I joined the following year because you had to be 13 to join. At age 14, I recruited a slightly older mentor from the group. He helped me polish my writing skills, and introduced me to many things, including Dr. Who and the local BBSes. I still consider him my beta reader/editor. He's a mathematician now, by the way.
The BBSes are where I first met Jai. He was sysop of one board and co-sysop of another. He had the screen name I wanted, and that led to our first chat on his BBS. A great many more followed.
We found a compatibility of the mind. We didn't always agree on topics, but we rarely argued. We connected deeply, even before we met in person. (So, yes, short version "We met online".) It's entirely possible we might never have met in person, except that our local BBS culture had summer BBQs with volleyball games at parks. (Also Halloween parties and movie nights). Given my issues with people, I probably would've skipped those entirely, but I think he may have talked me into giving it a try.
For reasons relating back to school hell, had we met in person first, I'm quite sure I'd have rebuffed him -- not for any rational reason, mind you, but he fits a physical type I have difficult associations with. Not all passions are positive, but they're often powerful in their influence, nonetheless.
He became my friend, my trusted confidant, my peacetime ally. I told him everything, or thought I did. On recent check-in, though, apparently I failed to tell him about my suicidal tendencies. Part of it comes from straight depression, part of it from other things, both of which he did know of, so perhaps I assumed.
Alternately, perhaps it didn't seem appropriate to divulge under the circumstances, or just didn't come up under same circumstances. His girlfriend, Star, came to live with my family for a while, to attend in-town school. She'd tried to commit suicide in her previous living situation (which wasn't her family, by the way). For clarification, I should mention that Jai was homeschooled (though not, apparently, his whole life), as was his girlfriend. He asked me if I could help; I asked my mom; she agreed. I think everybody met everybody before full agreement was made.
So mentioning my suicidal tendencies may have seemed terribly inappropriate at the time, and I may have assumed he knew since then.
And you'd think trusting one suicidal girl to another would be sheerest folly. But I knew where she was coming from, and I think it helped some. We became friends, too.
Then I fell in love with her. First love. Which is bad enough, by itself, but this was also the first emotion I'd felt in some years -- I'd thought they'd died within me. It was fire on a dark winter night.
They were together... so I did nothing, said nothing, just roiled with the feeling. Then they broke up. Well, they'd done that before and gotten back together again, so I waited until I was sure it was a permanent breakup. then I made my feelings known to her. She returned them, at least tentatively.
Our relationship developed for a while. Then, the day I felt sure and happy that she loved me... she went to his house and never came back. Never called. Silence.
Did I call? I think I did, and I think Jai's mother shut me out. I had my mother call, and she conveyed a message from his mother: to never contact them again.
It near broke me. It was a very dark day.
Eventually I pulled myself together, and tried to respect what I'd been told. I didn't call. I didn't email. I avoided his BBS. But some connections are hard to break, and I think I was back on his BB in about two weeks time. He immediately broke into chat with "Where have you been? What's wrong?"
So we talked. We did argue, as I recall, about who had more claim on the girlfriend. That was fairly futile, and ultimately boiled down to it being her choice. The "never contact us in any way again" came from his mother, not from him or the girlfriend, and I believe he spoke to his mother about it subsequently.
Fences were mended. Friendship renewed on both their parts. Not a bad ending, as such things can go in adolescence drama. But it was not an introduction to love I'd recommend to anyone.
Initially I identified as lesbian. Later I identified as bisexual. Then I had the attention of two boys (also from the BBSes, mostly). Call them Bishop and Adric. I couldn't decide, and didn't really want to, I think. I proposed a triad. Or perhaps it was a V, since while I wanted everyone to love each other as a group, neither guy was going to do anything sexual/romantic together.
There wasn't much to draw on as a young poly. The adult boards on the available BBS networks were largely closed to me, wherein I might have learned something about such things. There was fiction, of course. Hard to miss it in SF/F. Heinlein is prominent. But he doesn't ever tell you the difficult bits of managing multiple relationships. Others were "And in the future you can marry any sentient being you want, in any combination, and some planets have elaborate extended families... but this is just colorful background, so back to the story...."
So we stumbled along until we broke up. Given that neither guy wanted to be in a triad/V. it was inevitable. It felt fairly natural to me, though, for all that it was probably doomed from the beginning. Later I dated them both of them separately, which worked out better relationshipwise, but these also broke up eventually.
Jai and Star were around for this, too. We talked boyfriend/girlfriend/ship issues.
Because of Jai and Star, I was eventually able to escape the school system entirely. I spent two winters, from 16 to 18, in a three room treehouse, in a local intentional community, where Star's family was based. It was a good place, a good time. A particular stupid personal decision, probably based on loneliness and insecurity, led me away from it and back into my family home.
I should mention that Star became pregnant at 15, when Jai was 17, and they got married.
Home led me to community college, because I needed something to do and it pleased my mother. I got my AAS, covering most core subjects, with a slight emphasis on psychology.
I met Liam there. Another friend introduced us. He was annoying. But persistent. He was recently out of the military, and out of his previous marriage, and primarily there for a social life. He was running a novelty telegram business. He was funny. He pursued me; he pursued the friend that introduced him to me. He pursued pretty much anything female that breathed on her own, and didn't do too badly in his pursuits.
I squashed his green fedora many times. At one point I told him to go away, leave me alone, and never talk to me again. He did... for a while. Then previously mentioned friend persuaded me to talk to him again. Friendship developed over time.
I didn't expect or want anything more. But when I went away to the SF Bay Area for a four year college, he gave me a place to stay over the summer. That was interesting, as he took it as a challenge to learn how to cook chicken properly. Lots of overcooked dry chicken, or burnt outside, raw inside chicken that summer. But he did do it right by the end of the summer.
My second year in college, things went downhill quickly. The depression kicked into high gear. I hied myself off to the school counselor. That was an exercise in futility. She didn't interact. It was like dropping rocks in a still pond. Then I found myself exceedingly fatigued. Sleeping probably 23 hours of 24, it seemed like. Quite literally unable to keep my eyes open. Staying awake half an hour after sleeping for four or eight hours was the most I could manage. When I was awake, I was felt... a lot like I did in my early school years. But the environment was different, the season was different, none of my triggers were present.
I contacted my mentor, who happily was only a short distance away in his own college. He came out, we talked. He eventually got me back to the school counseling system, to someone a bit higher up, I think. Ultimately, I was admitted to the psych ward for suicidal desires.