Returning To The New Normal

sexyserb said:
Mags, this was one guy who I liked and trusted. He just wants to have sex with me again. He was one of the few who knew my social media and one of the last I cut off and stopped seeing. He's a really cocky guy who actually was delusional enough to think he should meet my husband and that he could convince Hero to be friends. That idea went no where. And he was cheating on his wife with me so I do not think he would go the route of social media. Yes I have now blocked him. i did not think it was necessary on this guy.

I'm not responding and Hero does not check my social media. He stated right from the beginning he ain't going that route. I just do not know whether or not to say anything about it.
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OK. No, for what my opinion is worth (since I don't do DADT), I think this guy is part of the past you are leaving behind. This was the final link holding you to it? And now he's blocked completely? Then I see no reason to tell Hero, unless this guy starts trying to out you to shared friends or whatever.
 
Mags

Then I see no reason to tell Hero, unless this guy starts trying to out you to shared friends or whatever.

That is probably best. There are no shared friends. That was on the not acceptable list from the beginning and I stuck to that one and did not violate that boundary. He actually lives three hours from us.
 
Well, its Saturday, and Hero is at the gym. About 30 minutes from now he will roll in ,eat, and plant himself in the recliner with the remote. Only to potty and eat will his location change. its almost funny to watch this huge specimen sit so stationery for so long with his attention glued to TV.

I'm evacuating to the mall to lessen his bank account and attempt to find something to stimulate his libido. Somehow I am confident i will succeed. But not until tomorrow i am afraid.

I have my week planned for when he is gone. Its amazing how it is now not so hard to fill my days with something other than men now that he is home the overwhelming amount of time. Since months ago I'd have a week long sex fest set up/

This lunch with my friend is starting to really bug me. This cannot be good or she would not insist its only me.

The mono world is I guess boring to some, but I am settling in and fairly content. I still have anxiety because hero and I have not had a heart to heart. But I am encouraged by his bedroom behavior towards me versus what it had been like. I know I am making progress trying to rebuild this marriage or new marriage I guess would be a better title.
 
Well, today was the worst. !!! If there is one thing I do not need in my life right now its marital drama with friends, but that is exactly what I got at lunch today. I need to vent.

I meet my girlfriend Deena for lunch and she looks like Casper The Ghost, and like she had been crying for weeks. And what does she drop on me???? She has been cheating on her husband for six months and he caught her and is divorcing her and she wants me to ask Hero if she can stay in our condo until it all gets settled. Of course I about fall out of my chair because here I am struggling with uncertainty about my own marriage and now Im asked to go home and tell my husband my friend is fucking another man and needs a place to stay. I need a xanax ( only kidding but it wouldn't hurt). Then on top of it she tells me that since hes divorcing her she is going to keep seeing the boyfriend and asks me to help cover for her so hubby does not find out and get more pissed off. Her husband is rich guy who owns somewhere between ten and fifteen franchises of a big time fast food chain and he has a mean streak and bad temper I know that. So what the hell do I do now???? I sure can't tell her about my life. I have a pretty good guess what Hero will say if I even bring this up.

Sunday was great. Hero took me to a wonderful restaurant for dinner Sunday night and we got to talk some. He said that he is still processing his feelings about the last two years, but he again said to me. "Mary Ann, I will always love you no matter what ". I started crying . I just could not help it. He took me home and made love to me, and I held him so tightly he could not leave me in bed.

He left yesterday. I hope he is not worried about me. This thing with my friend has hit home for me because I came very close to doing the affair route rather than approaching my husband about opening our relationship. I am thankful I chose the "ethical" route. I feel real bad for my friend.
 
Today was hectic. Gym in the morning, two hours with new therapist in the afternoon, and tonight GNO with my friends.

Hero knows I am going and says hes fine with it. He knows after all the past two years and how I never let anyone know or did anything with friends around other than flirt like we all do. But I am making sure I am prepared for any distractions since I have not been out much lije this since I gave up other guys. I'm not going to have more than one drink, and I am driving myself there so I am not reliant on someone else to get me out of there in case it turns too inappropriate. Some of my friends are not attached and are on the prowl which is fine for them but not me. But I am planning on looking like a "hottie". That much fun I can have.

My husband decided to work late rather than come home after work. My guess is he doesn't want to watch me go prancing out. But he swears he's OK. I did second guess myself but I think I need to prove this is right for me by not avoiding any situations totally where I could get tempted. I either am responsible for my decisions or i am not. hiding does not accomplish anything. Men will be wherever any of us go, and men will look at me, LOL, at least i know that.

I like the new therapist but as usual, today was more introductory, and not too deep. She I believe is not a big proponent of non monogamy but that is OK but did not say anything totally negative.

I have one more day to decide if I ask Hero about the condo. right now, not thinking that is a good idea. he is not really friends with the husband but does know him. I'll think about that tomorrow.
 
sexyserb said:
I meet my girlfriend Deena for lunch and she looks like Casper The Ghost, and like she had been crying for weeks. And what does she drop on me???? She has been cheating on her husband for six months and he caught her and is divorcing her and she wants me to ask Hero if she can stay in our condo until it all gets settled. Of course I about fall out of my chair because here I am struggling with uncertainty about my own marriage and now Im asked to go home and tell my husband my friend is fucking another man and needs a place to stay.
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Does this friend not have ANYWHERE else she can stay, or money for a hotel???

I lean on my friends a lot, but I can't imagine asking for a place to stay (indefinitely?) unless the alternative was sleeping on the street. Especially if the reason I needed to move was "i had an affair and got caught".

Maybe this just seems strange to me because all of my friends know and love Andy, and would be angry at me for hurting him.

But it is an unbelievably big favor. Even if there wasn't the backdrop of your recently closed marriage, it's still asking you to publicly take her side in a messy divorce. When she is not exactly the innocent victim. People can get crazy about those situations... There is a couple I know who split a decade ago after she was caught cheating, and even though they get along fine as exes, their circle of colleagues and friends is still split into warring factions over who took what side when they broke up.

Honestly, I think I'd be more willing to give her some money for an AirBnB than actually let her stay in the condo.
 
Good advice Claire. I told her, and she knows, that her husband cannot just boot her to the curb with no money nor can he force her immediately out of the house. She just wants to comply right away to get out immediately because she thinks he will change his mind if she does not fight him. Knowing her husband, I would not bet my last dollar on that but who knows. Men are totally unpredictable in these situations. I gotta stay out of it. I am going to tell her I will help her look at places. Hero does not need this on his plate right now. I don't care about the taking side thing. He just does not need to hear this and since he is not great buddies with this guy husband, I want my husband not involved.

I had fun last night, which I almost wish I had not. Temptation everywhere, but I did not find it depressing to resist. I did let a guy buy me a drink and danced with him, but when he tried to hold my hand that was the end of that. Told him I was happily married and not interested. He was cute so I am making progress. I actually left at about 11:30 and got home at midnight.
I texted Hero that I was home safe and told him I love him.

I am really glad I went out with my friends. I have to in a sense relearn to be in mixed company without my husband with the "rules" back on. I feel content other than i want to be a very naughty girl with my hubby when he gets home tonight.
 
Well, yesterday I was congratulating myself for my “progress” but today I feel like shit. What is wrong with me??????
I have no friggin boundaries. Instead of congratulating myself for not letting some guy grab my hand and try to make moves on me, I should be asking myself why I let him buy me drinks and sat there talking to him. Why didn’t I just say “fuck off”. It’s not like I do not know how to get rid of men. So nothing happened but why was I the one who interacted with a strange man when other of my friends just shot down every guy that approached. Seems like I am trying to prove to them I am the “man magnet”. I must be an idiot. I hope the therapist can figure this out.

On a happier note, my husband and I had hours of sexy times since he got home. Things could be worse. Next week its back to normal. He’s home again all week.
 
That is a good question. Why did you feel a need to go out looking like a "hottie," for "fun," and let a man think he had a chance with you for romance or sex?

You could have gone out looking attractive without looking... "hot." An appearance which proclaimed, I am looking to get laid. I am imagining a short skirt, heels, lots of makeup, and long flowing hair.

If you're going to be a "good wife" now, and focus on your husband again, where is this coming from? Do you need to be "seen" by men as a sexual object to prop up your self-esteem? Does all your self value come from being "seen" by men? By Hero as the good wife, by every other man as "hot."

Is there a search for autonomy that is in context of how others see you as a sexual being? Instead of uncovering and developing your self worth from within?

The word sexy is even in the screenname you chose. Is your desirability the only thing of value in your perception of self?
 
That is a good question. Why did you feel a need to go out looking like a "hottie," for "fun," and let a man think he had a chance with you for romance or sex?

You could have gone out looking attractive without looking... "hot." An appearance which proclaimed, I am looking to get laid. I am imagining a short skirt, heels, lots of makeup, and long flowing hair.

If you're going to be a "good wife" now, and focus on your husband again, where is this coming from? Do you need to be "seen" by men as a sexual object to prop up your self-esteem? Does all your self value come from being "seen" by men? By Hero as the good wife, by every other man as "hot."

Is there a search for autonomy that is in context of how others see you as a sexual being? Instead of uncovering and developing your self worth from within?

The word sexy is even in the screenname you chose. Is your desirability the only thing of value in your perception of self?



Mags,

I had to laugh at part of this. By hot I did not mean looking like a streetwalker. Yes fairly short skirt but not scandalous, no high heels as Im already almost 5'9", no tons of make up ( I don't need it), and yes long flowing hair. I thought I looked real real good, which I did, and truthfully do we all dress not to be noticed by the opposite sex. Seems like we are all showing a lot more skin. So that doesn't mean I want sex does it?? Or else theres a ton of other women doing the same thing. So seriously I was dressed the same as most of my friends but yes the Lord has blessed me in the gene department.

You DO ask great questions. So yes, I have been seen by men as sexual object since I hit puberty. When i got to high school all the popular boys wanted me and I developed probably a very bad habit of easily manipulating men. Gave me a sense of power. This trait has followed me but I had it under control when 100% of my time was occupied with raising my kids. But I still was always a flirt big time. Hero never went nuts over this since he attracted practically the same female attention that I had to get used to.

My self worth?? Thats an even greater question probably what I need to work on with therapist. I am highly educated but other than raising beautiful and happy kids, which I know is a BIG DEAL, I haven't really accomplished much other than land a husband who has provided me with an absolute amazing life. Everything we have, which is a lot, he provided. I just was there, and that is not knocking him. He has been textbook great hubby and his kids worship the ground he walks on. So yeah, I got some "digging" to do.

I did not make any men think I was available. I was sitting there minding my own business when this guy the other night came over and sat down at our table with one of his friends. And yes, I liked the attention since there were six other women there he could have talked to, some of them totally available. The why i let him buy me a drink, why I danced with him, and why I had fun talking to him is not easily explained. The good part is I never came close to letting it go any further but i should not have done anything that I did do.

Like I said, I am am work in progress.
 
"We all dress to be noticed by the opposite sex. We are all showing more skin."

Well, sure, young single women at "da club" show lots of skin. I suppose. I have never been into the club scene. Not when I was single, not when I was married/mono, not since I've been poly. Getting gussied up in short skirts and throwing my long hair around is just not my thing.

So. You're the prettiest girl at the ball and men notice you. And you've always been the belle of the ball and you are used to getting attention from men. And you had a fling and fucked a ton of guys in a DADT. Now what? You're trying to prove, as a middle aged woman, "I've still got it." So, you've got it. What else can bring you fulfillment? Just being pretty and knowing you attract more attention than your single friends means what? Is that enough to live on?

I am told I am pretty, lovely, beautiful too. They say I have beautiful eyes, a great smile, nice skin, lovely silver hair, I smell great, I'm delicious between the legs, I have nice big titties and a fine ass, cute feet.


I've had plenty of bfs, even men in the their 20s and 30s, and me in my 50s and 60s, going gaga over my looks and my sexual skills. It's nice... but... It's not enough to live on. I also have many many hobbies and skills and interests that are actually "me." My looks came from my parents. So what? It's not something I can take credit for. Just luck. Big deal.
 
I've had plenty of bfs, even men in the their 20s and 30s, and me in my 50s and 60s, going gaga over my looks and my sexual skills. It's nice... but... It's not enough to live on.

Mags, well said. Thanks for the 2 x 4. I needed it. I think I need to search for what I now need to be happy. My interests and time all was devoted to my kids, especially since Hero was gone so much as they grew up. That was a full time job.

Interests??? I love animals and volunteer at the animal shelter. but I need to get out there and start doing stuff again to fill all this empty time. my husband is home every night but still works a lot of hours and is under constant pressure. The higher up you go the easier it is to be a target. Welcome to corporate life. For him, failure is not an option.

I've talked to hubby and he has no problem with me working but I honestly do not want to work full time at this point. He could make a phone call to a number of people and get me part time in a number of different things but right now I don't want that either. I need to try to rebuild this marriage and I need to do the heavy lifting.

I love sports, and I used to be a real good tennis player so I am going to take some lessons from a female instructor to polish up my skills a little and then get involved in leagues at the country club. Might even try golf but I do not think i have the patience. Hero plays it but because he has to but really does not like it.

Down the road, I probably will get some work. I think it is not helpful to do nothing but rejoin my old group of divorcees and spoiled and pampered divas who sit around at lunch for hours gossiping. I know, I probably could be called a spoiled diva too. Need to break that title.

This should be a fun week end. nothing but Hero and me. Thats the way I like it.
 
Between my late teens and mid 30's, I was considered sexy by many men. Never model thin, but nice face and hair. "Brick House" type.

Unfortunately, I focused only on that, and had affairs just so I could "prove" how sexy I was and got a rush from it.

Well, a bit before 40, I was put on a cocktail of meds for bipolar disorder that made it very easy to gain weight and killed my libido. The psychiatrist and I spent a couple of years tinkering with my meds. I function far, far better as a human being, but my "hot" days are behind me. I still make myself look pretty, but I have had to develop my other defining characteristics. I have a husband who prefers me to be heavy than be a partner who can turn from a reasonable person into a no-sleep crazy person or a puddle of uncontrollable tears. Yes, I could work harder on my weight, but I don't. No excuses.

If I could turn heads the way I used to, it would be a thrill for sure. But, in general, I like myself better as a person now. Do I envy you a bit? Yeah I do! But there was a lot about my "sexy" self that was a self-centered bitch. I wouldn't want that back for anything.

Seeking validation based on your looks is a hard thing to stop. After all, that's probably one of the qualities Hero liked about you! I guess a good guide for you might be this; if Hero was across the room watching you interact with men, would your behavior cause him anxiety? From what you have said, he doesn't sound controlling or unreasonable or I wouldn't suggest that. No need to dress like a nun! It can be fun to be sexy, just don't let it lead to something that may hurt your marriage.

You are doing well! I wish the best for you.
 
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I feel like I was a bit harsh, though you took it well. I don't mean to be so critical, since I went through something similar.

I spent too long in a marriage that became unfulfilling. I really needed positive male and female (since I am bi) attention once my ex and I separated.

So I did spend about 2-3 years with a "kid in a candy store" modus operandi, talking to people on OK Cupid, dating the cool ones, enjoying all the compliments and variety and great sex and dinners out and other fun dates, and all that.

And for weight issues as powerpuff addressed. I have had so many compliments on my full figure! I'd never suspected my shape would be a turn on to so many. Some people just really prefer a woman with curves. I do have an hourglass shape, maybe that helps. But anyway, no, I don't "turn heads" as I did in my teens and 20s, when I was thinner and had long blonde hair, but I don't need that. Lots of compliments and orgasms and sensual kinky fun from actual partners is all I need or want.

And also, it is entirely normal after years of intensive parenting, to want to be seen as a desirable sexual being and not just "Mom." We all struggle with the Madonna/sex kitten issue in this culture. And we give and give so much to our kids, it's nice to be given to, in the form of dates and sex and compliments and so on.

But I wasn't getting enough of that from my ex. However, serb, it seems Hero WANTS to have a healthy sex/love life with you... but there's this darn DADT history now that I am sure is on his mind and making him feel insecure. And you're not over the "look at sexy me, all you guys!" phase either.

I think you will have your work cut out looking for deeper values in your culture of wealth and trophy wives and probably cosmetic surgery and Botox and all that shit. Going to the club with a bunch of friends on the hunt is not what you need right now, it seems.
 
Seeking validation based on your looks is a hard thing to stop. After all, that's probably one of the qualities Hero liked about you! I guess a good guide for you might be this; if Hero was across the room watching you interact with men, would your behavior cause him anxiety? From what you have said, he doesn't sound controlling or unreasonable or I wouldn't suggest that. No need to dress like a nun! It can be fun to be sexy, just don't let it lead to something that may hurt your marriage.

Power, he has watched me be me for a long time and he is not at all a controlling or jealous type. Anxiety??? Not before. He flirts with women too and they flirt with him blatantly. Now, he might be watching me because he knows I have acted. I need better boundaries when he is not around. Right now its funny ( not really). I am more worried he might act and he would have no shortage of honeys who would gladly oblige.

I have a husband who prefers me to be heavy than be a partner who can turn from a reasonable person into a no-sleep crazy person or a puddle of uncontrollable tears. Yes, I could work harder on my weight, but I don't. No excuses.

I assume he knows about the affairs. You seem happy now so why worry about weight. Doing well am I?? I'm trying. Still can't believe what I have put on the line,

Magdlyn

I feel like I was a bit harsh, though you took it well. I don't mean to be so critical, since I went through something similar.

Sometimes harsh is good.

But I wasn't getting enough of that from my ex. However, serb, it seems Hero WANTS to have a healthy sex/love life with you... but there's this darn DADT history now that I am sure is on his mind and making him feel insecure. And you're not over the "look at sexy me, all you guys!" phase either.


I'm not sure insecure is the word. He could replace me easily I am sure. I think he just is not sure if he wants to have me tell him again that I want to "explore" again, so I guess maybe thats a kind of insecure, depending on your definition. There's a lot of discussion here about "kinks". mine was not BDSM but being the attention freak I am mine was/is sex with more than one man at a time. I know that is not going to happen with my husband ever, which of course i would have preferred. Our sex life other than that was and still is very active.


I think you will have your work cut out looking for deeper values in your culture of wealth and trophy wives and probably cosmetic surgery and Botox and all that shit. Going to the club with a bunch of friends on the hunt is not what you need right now, it seems.

LOL Mags, no cosmetic surgery or botox for me yet. But yup, some of my little group have gone down that road.

So I'm going to give myself a 2 X 4. What kind of idiot am I who would take a chance on trading a
a magnificant gorgeous husband
an amazing provider
an unbelievable Dad whose kids adore him
a great lover
a certain beautiful future
a wonderful well adjusted family

all for the opportunity to act of this sexual fantasy with guys I have no future with at all. Just reading that tells me I'm fucked up.

It's funny. If you google "Mens Sexual Fantasies", I think #7 that shows up is wife or girlfriend having sex with other men. But only a small percentage ever even attempt to go there. Thats why they say in a lot of the books that "erotic scenerios" differ from fantasies in that not all fantasies should be acted upon. its the same with women and the rape fantasy that also appears. not too many if any really want to have that happen.

Hero has not really asked for too much detail but I am sure since he knows me so well he believes that I have acted on mine, which I have. And i do not know whether getting down to the gory details would be helpful or not. He accepts that he insisted on the DADT but sometimes i think he wants me to confirm it. i am afraid to do that right now.

On another note, my friend has totally fucked up her life by continuing her affair even after being caught, but I have extricated myself from that situation without getting my husband involved.

I watched the Esther Perel talk again on why married women who are happy cheat. it really hits home how somehow we expect so much of our partners that it makes it almost impossible for one person to fulfill it all. Thats i guess kind of an endorsement of polyamory but i think we are a long way off from where as she recommends that most men will accept it.

I'll sort this out in time. I hope I get it right
 
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Wow does time fly. It's been now almost seven months since my what I call "slut phase" ended, and for the most part we have done well considering.
Weathered the Holiday season, and other than the little blow up over Valentines Day that I posted about on the forum, we are functioning.

I have been seeing a very well regarded therapist and quite honestly have been getting a bit beaten up with "tough" evaluation of my mental state. But i think thats good to face reality head on. Basically I was wallowing in this guilt looking for the why's, which in many cases is just digging for excuses. I did it because I wanted to and was risk taker enough and selfish enough. No reason for guilt, just admission of what I did and acceptance that there are no childhood or family reasons. If anything, she says I am a bit of an exhibitionist that has been reinforced through the years. I simply acted on what many imagine. Not very complicated. I am happy for the 2 x 4's the therapy has given me. The big question is how do I change.

As for Hero, she has obviously not met with him, but her opinion is he mentally divorced me the minute I had " the talk" which is why he demanded the DADT, as well as why he set some conditions that he never thought I would be able to adhere to. But I did with just a few exceptions. Hero and I have talked a lot and I honestly believe he was totally amazed when I told him there was no one "special" that I did not want to detach from or that there was no one I was pining for. That fact saved our marriage. If I had told him I wanted to be "friends" or stay in contact with any of these men he would have pulled the plug right then and there.

The sex I did does not seem to be an obstacle. Hero has not asked a lot of questions. He says if another mans penis is in me whats the difference if its one, two, three, which orafice, etc. Sex is sex period. I think his feeling on that stems from he had no hang ups knowing I was pretty slutty in college when we met as well as he is not feeling inadequate like some men would. None of the stupid questions about "size" or "did you O", or any others of that type. I would almost had a hard time from not laughing if he had asked some questions about size and other guys. Hero wears a size 19 shoe, has hands the size of meat hooks and regardless of what myths are out there his manhood matches his other extremities. He knows I would much rather had he been part of everything and I guess in a sick way I would have for a time been a happy camper with a "cuckold" like my girlfriend had. My husband is not that man.

My therapist is very concerned that these desires will return once I feel convinced we are not divorcing and that I will have to work on myself to understand that there is very little chance I will ever have a change in my husbands attitude. I knew that. She did ask me what my reaction would be if he told me he wanted to fuck other women. Right now, my mind cannot even deal with that thought. I know he loves women and they love him. Not knowing our situation I have "friends" all the time kidding me about if we decide to have an open marriage, that they will "volunteer" to be with Hero. Some are obviously just kidding, but there are a few who flirt with him all the time at social functions and believe me i watch them like a hawk.

This kind of turned into a vent, but i guess thats what this section is for.
 
Well, my husband has just given me a wonderful surprise. I have always wanted to rescue a greyhound that had been discarded because it could not win races any more and Hero brought one home. I cried my eyes out. She is so beautiful and gentle and so far gets along great with the other dogs. And we have a very large fenced yard for her to run in. Right now, I just feel so lucky to have this man still. We both love animals and Hero generously supports the homeless animal shelter I volunteer at.

He is so thoughtful. We were supposed to go to big party at the country club tonight but he cancelled so I could be home with my new "fur baby".

He is still hobbling a bit from his little basketball thing so it will be a great quiet week end just the two of us. No business crap, no social stuff, no entertaining.

Now I get to plan his "reward".. Heading to the mall to get something he hasn't seen before. The guy has no clue yet whats in store for him. LOL
 
Rescue greyhounds are wonderful - I currently have two of them and still miss the first I had.
 
I have a rescue greyhound as well, a brindle. He broke his leg during a race. He is a character, THAT'S for sure. He is loud, extroverted, and still likes to pee in the house if he's mad about something.

King is a far cry from my previous brindle, Tanner. She didn't know how to be a "dog;" she was so used to being treated badly. What color is your greyhound?

I'm very glad you rescued this dog. I'm sure she needs to have his teeth professionally cleaned, as they are always AWFUL coming off the track. Also, (you probably know this, but still) greyhounds can be tricky as far as it comes to anesthesia. They need to go to a vet that has extensive experience with greyhounds, and it is far more expensive to get anesthesia for one. I know that isn't a concern of yours, but it certainly surprised US!

My theory is that, since greyhounds have so little fat, they probably metabolize anesthesia differently from other breeds. Of course, I could Google it, but I would hate to have my brilliant conclusion disproven!

PS - I think this is a VERY good sign for the two of you.
 
Thanks Power

We have access to all sorts of “specialists “ for dogs in our area. Everything from internists to oncologists to neurologists for dogs. We have four other dogs now , all Irish Setters , and our new baby will get the executive vet treatment .
Appreciate your thoughts.
Since Hero is not 100% since trying to be an NBA all star he watched them run around a lot today.
And he enjoyed his “reward” last night . So did I
 
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