Risk Averse

K

Knickers

New member
Hello everyone,

Been a while since I posted. I have a question for you all.

So, my husband (of 14 years) has been with a new partner (lets call her Dollface) for less than 6 months now, they are in love and have decided to stop using protection after both having negative STI testing. I told my husband at the start of our opening our relationship (1.5 years ago) that I was not comfortable (I tend towards risk-averse) with him being fluid bonded with anyone else but me and if he chose to do so anyway, I would choose to use protection with him. This was not a threat, just a personal boundary in taking charge of my own personal health.

Well now here we are here in this situation, and I am having so many feelings about it all. I feel sad that he is choosing this with her knowing that it means he can't have it with me. To complicate things, I also have a FWB relationship with Dollface and sometimes we all have sex together. Now, I can't imagine going through with another threesome...I think I would feel too humiliated by it all.

Honestly, if Dollface was in more of a closed situation, I would probably be fine with us all fluid bonding, but she also has a lot of casual sex partners, as does her husband who she does not use protection. Do you see how complicated this whole thing gets? Am I crazy to think this is a bad idea? There are just too many levels of trust with people I don't even know well or at all. Placing my personal health in other's hands is not something I take lightly.

On the flip side, I also feel relieved in some ways because my husband has a lot of sex partners (in general) and I have pretty much had one other sex partner for the last year and she is in a closed relationship with her wife. So, using condoms with my husband might actually help to decrease some of my anxiety about how many sex partners he chooses to have on a regular basis.

But, really in the end, I guess I just feel hurt and maybe a bit worried that this might cause some real problems with our intimacy (emotional and sexual). Anyone else been through something similar? Did it just become the new normal and no big deal after the initial sting of it?

Any advice, words of wisdom? Please be honest but kind.
 
Hi, there, Knickers!

I cannot imagine going through what you are going through in terms of trust and compromise. There are some things that are uncompromising and that's when it deals with my health and the health of my partners.

I've been in relationships in the past where a boyfriend would hook up behind my back and not use protection. It ended with a curable STI, thankfully. When that ex and I would bring someone else into the bedroom, the rule was that we always used condoms. I was not willing to risk my health, no matter how "frustrating" it was said to be.

But now, in my monogamous poly relationship, the three of us are okay without using protection because we trust each other that we are all three following our rules of things just between us. Why is this different than the past? No one is having relations with anyone who is having relations outside of the unit.

I think it is very important that these rules are discussed with you and your husband. If one of you is with someone who is also with others, the risk is exponentially higher and not worth the trouble it would cause.

And, of course, if these things are becoming problematic to follow and/or discuss, it will eventually harm your emotional relations, in my opinion.

Hopefully that helps?
 
I think he has a massive case of NRE. I also think you and him need to talk about how what he is doing is making you feel because, frankly, it must be heart wrenching. And honestly, sometimes we don't know our own boundaries until we go past them

I went through a period where my husband got a case of the NRE and acted in ways that really hurt. We ended up talking about it and working it out.
 
Knickers said:
Hello everyone,

Been a while since I posted. I have a question for you all.

So, my husband (of 14 years) has been with a new partner (lets call her Dollface) for less than 6 months now, they are in love and have decided to stop using protection after both having negative STI testing. I told my husband at the start of our opening our relationship (1.5 years ago) that I was not comfortable (I tend towards risk-averse) with him being fluid bonded with anyone else but me and if he chose to do so anyway, I would choose to use protection with him. This was not a threat, just a personal boundary in taking charge of my own personal health.
Click to expand...
Seems like a reasonable decision, for you (and I'd probably make the same).

Well now here we are here in this situation, and I am having so many feelings about it all. I feel sad that he is choosing this with her knowing that it means he can't have it with me. To complicate things, I also have a FWB relationship with Dollface and sometimes we all have sex together. Now, I can't imagine going through with another threesome...I think I would feel too humiliated by it all.
Click to expand...
So there's no reason you couldn't all use barriers *for that encounter*, even if that isn't their standard, if seeing them have barrierless sex is an emotional problem for you. Assuming, of course, that you ever want to. Barrier/no barrier (I really hate the phrase fluid bonding, which is why I don't use it, plus it's a bit binary when there's a range of protection options) isn't a permanent setting.

Honestly, if Dollface was in more of a closed situation, I would probably be fine with us all fluid bonding, but she also has a lot of casual sex partners, as does her husband who she does not use protection. Do you see how complicated this whole thing gets? Am I crazy to think this is a bad idea? There are just too many levels of trust with people I don't even know well or at all. Placing my personal health in other's hands is not something I take lightly.

On the flip side, I also feel relieved in some ways because my husband has a lot of sex partners (in general) and I have pretty much had one other sex partner for the last year and she is in a closed relationship with her wife. So, using condoms with my husband might actually help to decrease some of my anxiety about how many sex partners he chooses to have on a regular basis.
Click to expand...
So this again seems like a good reason for y'all to use barriers, given you're not really comfortable with his choices.

But, really in the end, I guess I just feel hurt and maybe a bit worried that this might cause some real problems with our intimacy (emotional and sexual). Anyone else been through something similar? Did it just become the new normal and no big deal after the initial sting of it?

Any advice, words of wisdom? Please be honest but kind.
Click to expand...

This article helped me change my thinking on this: https://solopoly.net/2013/07/08/why-fluid-bonded-sex-is-um-sticky/

Might help you too.

As a side note, my personal situation is that I've always used condoms for PIV with Knight, with rare exceptions, as hormonal birth control and I don't get along well and it doesn't make a massive amount of difference in sensation, as far as I'm concerned (nor has he brought up it being a big difference on his side). If he ever gets snipped, we might reconsider that, but it hasn't happened so a moot point. Oral is still barrierless, as giving/receiving oral with barriers is pretty pointless IMO, and we're tested often enough it's a fairly low risk activity. He does the same with his other partners, and thus I don't really have to worry that much about what he or they do with whom.

Artist has a personal boundary of condoms for everything, including oral, so we don't do oral and it's not a big deal (there's plenty of other things we can do, and that's never been at the top of either of our lists, so whatever). No intention of changing that, doesn't make him any less my lover and means I really don't care what his wife or his other gf do with others, and none of the people involved have to worry too much if I take a casual partner (like Martial Artist or Tattooed).

Seriously, barriers are really *freeing*, and are only an emotional thing if you let them be.
 
minnegander said:
in my monogamous poly relationship, the three of us...
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LOL. Monogamous poly relationship. There's an oxymoron. ;)

The phrase you're looking for is "We're currently polifidelitous, though we may renegotiate that if the situation changes."
 
That's probably a better way of putting it. I'm still new to this. Terminology confuses me sometimes too.
 
Hi Knickers,

Sorry this has happened to you, I'm sure it feels like your husband cares about Dollface more than he does you. Just keep in mind he seems to have a lower standard for sexual safety, so, you and he have different perspectives in that area.

I'm sure it will hurt for awhile, but hopefully not forever.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
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