Sad. Metamour says no.

J

Jaytree

New member
They have small kids and have been married for a long time but got together based largely on the premise of both being poly. Health problems, however, meant that they didn't really practice for a long time and I was the first real secondary partner, it seems, since early in their relationship.

I posted about this relationship before. I met the metamour recently - she wanted to meet me. She hasn't been too happy about the relationship - blaming timing and me having multiple partners she can't trust (she hasn't met them), and that I"m new to poly. Our meeting didn't go great - I was super nervous and quiet and she made it clear to me how overwhelmed she is with the small kids, which felt to me to be a bit accusatory.

Well, last week he told me she doesn't want us to be intimate anymore. He's upset because this wasn't the deal that their marriage was based on and he's not clear why she's made this decision and how far reaching it is.

I like him more than any man I've been with, so this is really hard. It is somehow tainting how I think about poly. Can these things ever be talked out? Can people change their minds about being poly? Was it me? Should I be wary of having a relationship with someone who is in a primary relationship? Can I do anything in the future to avoid this? Do I have reason to hold out hope? I know there is no way you can really answer these questions, but I just thought I'd throw them out there.
 
Well it's probably most likely that they have to focus on parenting amd not on outside relationships. I have 2 small kids at home and I take my kids with me when I see my boyfriend. Could that be an option? My husband wasn't willing to get stuck caring for kids alone while I went out and had fun. I eventually had to take a step back from my other relationship because of work , upcoming school semester, and household responsibilities. Just because someone is poly doesn't mean they really have resources for more than one relationship
 
Simple don't date men whose partners have veto power.
 
You've been vetoed. Your option is to make sure up front with future partners that this sort of thing isn't something they will allow to happen. Sorry. :(
 
Sigh. Being vetoed sucks; it really hurts. And it's hard not to take this personally. It's more than just a resources issue - I only got to see him about once a month and only for a few hours. Also, she's ok if we continue a friendship (thankfully), just no physical intimacy. I have three kids, so I was always very sensitive to their needs as a family and recommended we postpone a visit on several occasions.

I will certainly be on the lookout for veto power in the future. Thank you.
 
From what you've said, and the little amount of time you're spending together, it sounds like she's putting her insecurities on to you. From what you've written, I would doubt how poly she is too. That really sucks, and I'm sorry.

I don't do relationships where someone has veto power for the same reason.

I wonder how things will go down the line, with her and her husband. Because if he got married expecting to be poly, and he finds out after a few more broken hearts that his wife isn't really poly, well...that's going to suck extra hard for him. :mad:
 
I agree with all the previous post. I would like to add, meeting the metamour early can help the situation too. I pause at the thought of being with someone and their partner is not open to meeting me. It leaves too much for chance later in the relationship, and a lot of hurt feelings. I had to deal with a similar situation like this except she didn't have veto power but between his depression, shutting down because she mono and willing "let" him be poly, it became way to much for me to continue.
 
There was no veto power granted, just respect and open communication with each other. I agree that it seems like there is more going on, possibly along the lines of her not actually being poly, needing to be in control. I can sit here all day and pathologize but that just isn't nice :) She didn't want to meet me at the beginning of our relationship, only 4 months in. I guess that's another warning sign to watch out for in the future.

It will of course lead to cheating on his part, which makes me see that they are not in a healthy situation in their right now. I don't know if they can fix it, but it's best to stay out of it no matter how much it hurts. I know, drama. :( This sucks!!!!
 
Jaytree said:
There was no veto power granted, just respect and open communication with each other.
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This. It is always possible that no veto power is granted or agreed upon in a primary relationship, but the new person will find out that it still exists. Even though things like this would be discussed in the early stages of a new relationship, there still is no guarantee that vetoing won't happen. Sorry you had to deal with that!
Jaytree said:
She didn't want to meet me at the beginning of our relationship, only 4 months in. I guess that's another warning sign to watch out for in the future.
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Well - it can be a red flag, or then not. There are plenty of good reasons for not wanting to meet the metamours - early or ever. My husband CJ was only ready to meet my OSO Mark 6 months into the relationship. Today we live together all three and things are going very smoothly. And - CJ's reluctance to meet my other partners was due to jealousy, but over the years he has been able to work with his emotions and get over it. Just saying... had he tried to veto Mark, I'd have chosen to leave him and stay with the one who did not make ultimatums.

Anyway, sounds like the situation with your bf and his wife is full of drama. You are better off without them. Better luck to your future dating!
 
Your situation really sucks. If you're the kind of person that's not comfortable knowing your metamours (and this kind of situation could really make that a trigger), I say meet them as early as possible in the future. Preferably before you get really emotionally invested. Breakups can happen for any reason, but it can help to have that reassurance that your metamour, especially a very entwined nesting metamour, is on board with you being in a relationship with their partner.
 
Update: We met again to go for a walk. We were going to meet in a neutral neighbourhood to play it safe but it was raining so he came to pick me up. We had sex; we cheated. I feel horrible but I also feel elated but dirty but happy...

We're going to keep trying to be platonic, the rationale being that it's impossible to just turn off those desires or turn them down so suddenly. But we at least know we can't resist and can't put ourselves in those situations.

Am I a horrible person?
 
You're not a horrible person.

But you are on a path that will cause you, your ex(?) and his partner way more pain and fear and hurt than not being on that path.

I know it hurts to be away from him, and for what must seem like stupid reasons. I totally get that.

But it will hurt way less for all of you if you go no contact for a while. You've had a break up and being platonic friends is a not a good option now. (I find 40 days with no contact at all (if possible) to be a fine start to resetting my mind and feelings about someone.)

But you already know this, I'm sure. It will be very unfun and unhappy. But better in the long run.
 
I personally can't just turn off feelings for exes and I have to have several months of no contact to transition between lovers to friends otherwise I'd just keep having sex with them
 
If he still wants to see you, then I think the greater burden or onus is on him to agree to maintain boundaries with you as friends only. After all, this is what HE agreed to. If it's too hard or making him feel miserable then he needs to take the issue up with his wife again - and if he's not willing to do that, then I'd be getting angry at him and not her, as he's basically toying with your emotions. He either agrees with the veto, or he doesn't. It's easy to blame things on his wife, at least initially, but at some point he also needs to take responsibility for his agreement action, and having sex with you behind her back is not the way to do it. The shittiest thing about this situation for you is you literally have no power to influence things either way. He has agreed to be in a permission-based model of poly, so you cannot negotiate with him as an equal here.

If he's unwilling or unable to handle his feelings for you, then I'd cut all contact. It sucks that not only have you been vetoed, but you might also have to be 'the strong one' and lose him as a friend, but I don't see what other option you have. The veto has limited your options to either 'stay in this situation but accept I cannot control any of it' or 'leave this situation and be done with it'. You know that a cheating-relationship is not what you want. You know that he is not fully on board with the veto. Until he is, or until he stands up for your relationship with her, then he's not capable of being your friend or anything else.
 
Hi Jaytree,

So sorry about your situation, it is clearly that you are hurting a lot inside. I don't recommend cheating, but I understand why you did it. I think you are in a process of mourning the loss of your romantic relationship with him.

I hope we can help you get through this.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
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