Safety, Privacy, Crazy Mothers and Openness

BathedInSalt

BathedInSalt

New member
Dean listened to a podcast about openness in regards to your kids. It had most to do with situations that ended in custody battles between the parents and the grandparents that started with the kids just talking to grandma about mommy's boyfriend.

So here's my situation:
My mother is insane, or can be.
I do not want to lie to my kids.
I do not want my mom to know of my lifestyle. I will be judged and she will threaten if not take steps to remove my kids from my "sinful" situation.
Dean's parents are cool as cucumbers, but they would be very "concerned" for us and the kids. I imagine they would be disappointed in our life choice.

I'm going away for a couple days this coming weekend with Sir. Dean asked me that if he sees people out and about where should he say I am. I told him to tell them the truth. I'll be at the aquarium with my friend Saturday and hanging out with my friend Sunday. It would be more truthful to call my friend my boyfriend and to some friends Dean totally would as I've opened up to a lot of them about what we are doing, but do I feel comfortable telling my 9 yr old that mommy is going away for the weekend with her boyfriend? nope I m not. For a couple reasons, but one is fear of my mom finding out. (I know how immature that sounds)

Aslo, I just found out that my boyfriend works at the same company, in the same department and has interactions with a good friend of mine. Small world.
Now, this friend and his wife are one of the couples I consider closest to Dean and I who we also could not be open with about polyamory. I would be judged harshly, maybe unfriended. It's debatable wether I should be friends with anyone like this, but at the end of the day these are people who I've known for a decade who I love dearly and yeah maybe someday they'll come around.
The issue here is that the wife is unpredictable. What if she judges me and decided she needs to "do" something to "save" me from this sin. In her mind she's doing right.
So, that leaves me and Sir from ever being out as a couple at his place of work.

I don't want a life with so much hiding. This is not me. Not at all.

So where's the line? What have you done to navigate these types of situations?
I'm not a private person, maybe I should be?
I don't know.

I should add that Dean and I are stable people, stable and good parents with lovely children. No judge in their right mind would decide that we shouldn't be allowed to raise our own children. So, maybe I could just take that fear off the table and alleviate the whole situation?
 
Fear is justified in some cases. Your husband could lose his job over this, not just friendships.

My polycule is 100% out and we did lose some friends, but not as many as you might think. Those closest to us were concerned, but over time things were absolutely fine. My mom is Catholic - like women are covered in church and the
Mass is in Latin - and even she has accepted that I have two husbands. She doesn't approve, but she isn't giving us grief about it any more.

My feeling has always been that presenting a false front to a friend and family is a waste of time. If someone only cares about a superficial, fake you, and that's all they are willing to accept, then it's a waste of your time and effort to have them in your life. I love my husbands, and pretending they don't exist and aren't important is not something I am willing to do at all.

All that said, I completely get why people stay closeted. It just isn't how I operate. And, my family is lucky enough to not have to worry about being fired for how we live our lives.
 
Hi BathedInSalt,

Just a thought, maybe you should set up a consult with a lawyer and find out what the risks are of coming out, particularly as concerns child custody and employment. If there are risks, maybe a lawyer can help you prepare for them.

My V is in the closet, but if it were just up to me, we'd out ourselves to everyone. Of course, we don't have kids, so that's a little bit different of a situation.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
BathedInSalt said:
well that got serious real quick
Click to expand...

When it comes to kids things can get serious very quickly. My oldest was 17 when her mom died. She wanted to stay there to finish high school. I understood. There was a lady that wanted her to stay with them, but she had something against her mother's friends. So I made arrangements with someone else. The spiteful asshole called child services. Of course, they found nothing wrong, but it was a very stressful situation. People think nothing of screwing with people's lives. It pays to make sure you are protected.
 
Google 'Dr. Elizabeth Shef' and read her articles at Psychology Today. (She also has a number of books out you may find helpful.) She has been doing a longitudinal study of poly families for about 15-20 years now. One of the things she has found is that the dangers to poly families with children come largely from other relatives. The usual scenario is that the relative (a parent and grandparent usually) find out about the poly relationships. They then move to get legal custody of the children. This has happened often enough to be a pattern. And living in a more progressive area is not necessary a protection. It all depends on the judge (and the resources the relative has to support their legal case). People have lost custody of their children to their parent (the child's grandparent) because of poly relationships and no other reason.

So if you have any reason at all to believe that your mother might go this route, lie, hide, obfuscate, - do whatever you need to do to keep her in the dark. You may even want to game play what to do if she ever did find out. This is one risk I personally would not run, even though I usually tend to be more on the open and out side of things.
 
opalescent said:
Google 'Dr. Elizabeth Shef' and read her articles at Psychology Today.
Click to expand...
Sheff.

opalescent said:
One of the things she has found is that the dangers to poly families with children come largely from other relatives.
Click to expand...
Can anyone please direct me to an article where Sheff draws this conclusion from her research? The closest I can find is studied conjecture --
When polys and other sexual minorities are embroiled in family litigation, it matters a lot which judge gets the case, in which court, and how the judge feels about the lawyers. The judge has quite a bit of latitude in family court and is ultimately driven by what the judge determines to be in the best interest of the child. If the judge feels deeply that polyamory is sinful and harmful to children's moral fitness, then no amount of discussion of the loving environment and wonders of pooled resources will sway that opinion.
Click to expand...
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-polyamorists-next-door/201509/five-disadvantages-polyamory

(I also note that most of Sheff's PT "articles" weren't published, but are rather entries on her blog.)

At the moment, I'm trying to getthrough "Children of Polyamorous Families" by Mark Goldfeder, to which Sheff contributed a portion.

(Interestingly, I learned that as of ~2013, adultery remains a statutory crime in five states: Idaho, Massachusetts, Michigan, Oklahoma, and Wisconsin. Even if such a charge were not directly prosecuted, nonmonogamous sex means the children are living with one or more de facto criminals, something a pissy relative could certainly use as ammunition. Looks to me like a simple choice: cease nonmonogamy, or leave the state.)
 
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