Sage advice needed

Respectablegains

Respectablegains

New member
Hey all I am relatively new to the lifestyle (only a few months) and I have some questions that hopefully some of you can answer. Let me give you a quick background synopsis so you have some context. My girl and I had always wanted to give poly (or at least non-monogamy) a go, and life happened and we now live about an hour away from each other so we figured instead of breaking up we would use this as an opportunity to try. But as a large straight guy I am having some difficulties with the lifestyle and maybe you guys can help. Btw I am fairly young, 26.

1) First off, what do I even call myself? I am not sure whether I am "open-relationship" or "poly" or "non-monogamous". I guess you could define that by what I am looking for which is basically close to the poly definition of "partner" but I'm still not sure. Our motivations for trying this is while we both love each other very much we are both extremely amorous and like variety.

2) I feel like I am at a massive disadvantage. It seems like most women I meet either are only looking for female partners or looking for single monogamous men. This has led to acute feelings of loneliness and rejection, so far I have only met one potential "partner" and we have yet to be intimate as she has to split her attention between allot of folks. I have been on few dates that have gone pretty well but in the end Ive been dear Jon'd because the woman in question wanted someone who was monogamous. Am I right in this or am I just not meeting the right people? Also, there have been allot of cases where I meet a woman in an open-relationship of some sort with a dude and the dude immediately veto's me. Is this common?

3) Where do you even begin with this stuff? It seems allot of people who are poly got into the lifestyle because they are also kinkster's,and while I do enjoy some light BDSM stuff (and I do mean light) I am by no means a fetlife member. Are their any better avenues for this? Ive mostly just been using OKC but because I moved to a small college town my options are relatively slim and while Seattle isn't that far away it seems silly to me to spark multiple long distance relationships in the same city as my girl. So I guess my question is, are they're groups (that aren't dungeons) where one could meet people?

4) If I go a few more months with this roller coaster I may just have to end it with my girl and go back to being single and monogamous. Not because I particularly want to but because it seems that single monogamous women are really my only shot. It would be easier I guess if I also liked the D but sadly this is not an option. Should I just tough it out? Does it get better? Is essentially what I am asking.
 
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You can call yourself any of those labels. Which ever one fits and feels right use it. I use poly but I am not in an open relationship. I am polyfidelitous meaning I am not searching for other partners.

Partnered men can have a bitch of a time in the poly. A lot of women will not date a partnered male. Especially within your age group. They either want a monogamous relationship that they hope will lead to the picket fence, marriage, 2.5 kids... They think you are cheating. Or they have been burned by a previous poly experience. I myself despite being poly will not date a partnered man. I have been burnt by dating a poly man more than once, mainly due to rules, drama, and etc from their other partner and the hinge allowing it to happen.

There are a lot of poly people with NO interest in kink. I am EXTEMELY vanilla. Most of my poly friends are vanilla. I met my husband Murf just out living my life taking part in an activity my other husband has no interest in. I have met several other boyfriends that way. On line dating works for some for me I find it tedious.

My advice is get out socialize make new social circles, use online dating as a tool but not the only avenue, and enjoy your life. The right person will come along when it is time.
 
Thanks for your input Dagferi, its kinda what Ive been noticing. Recently I went on a few dates with a lovely lady, everything was going really well and then I get dear jon'd out of nowhere because she says she doesn't want to do the poly thing even though she really liked me. Right now I pretty much only have my girl, and one partner kind of sorta maybe if it works out... Where as she could ask pretty much any guy to the sack and wont get a no.

My the kink stuff is byproduct of living in the puget sound area rather than poly :p
 
Respectablegains said:
Thanks for your input Dagferi, its kinda what Ive been noticing. Recently I went on a few dates with a lovely lady, everything was going really well and then I get dear jon'd out of nowhere because she says she doesn't want to do the poly thing even though she really liked me. Right now I pretty much only have my girl, and one partner kind of sorta maybe if it works out... Where as she could ask pretty much any guy to the sack and wont get a no.

My the kink stuff is byproduct of living in the puget sound area rather than poly :p
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I know that in a lot of places, alternative lifestyles have such small groups that there is a lot of overlap between people in the different alternative lifestyles. For instance, here in Utah, being anything but Mormon puts you on the outside, since Mormons make up the single largest group of people in the state (they are not the majority anymore, but at about 40% of the population, they far out number any other group). There is a lot of overlap here between the kink group and the poly group, simply because if you're already part of some type of alternative group, you're more likely to try out another one.
 
As a friend of mine is fond of saying, labels are for soup cans... You can call yourself and your relationship model whatever feels right to call it, as Dagferi said. There's no consistent definition for those terms anyway; different people use them to mean different things. So call it what you and your girlfriend want to call it.

When Hubby and I opened our marriage, which initially was only about sex, even though we looked for partners among people we knew through the dating site where he and I met, and even though *I* told the women we knew that he was free to be with anyone he wanted and I was okay with it, he only managed to find one partner, who only hooked up with him twice before deciding he was too clingy. He gave up after that because he couldn't find other women who were willing to believe he wasn't cheating on me, or who would accept that he only wanted a sexual friendship, not a relationship. So yeah, it is very difficult for men in open relationships or polyamorous ones to find partners who understand and accept the situation. You might have better luck if you looked for a polyamorous woman, but even then, some poly women have been burned by their metamours (their partner's other partner) and so won't bother with poly men.

As for being veto'd by a potential partner's partner... ugh. I don't know how common it is, but I know in some situations, the core couple decides they're allowed to control who each other dates and fucks. This results in people's feelings getting hurt, and sometimes in one member of the couple cheating on the other because the second partner vetoes someone the first partner really likes and refuses to stop seeing. If you connect with a woman who's poly or in an open relationship, ask her if her other partner has veto power. If he does... don't get involved, in my opinion. Hubby and I are allowed to say to each other, "I don't like the idea of you seeing that person because of X and Y", and we have an "off limits" list of certain people such as relatives or friends of the family, but we cannot flat out veto anyone, because we don't own each other.

In addition to OKC, try Meetup.com. I know in my area (which admittedly is just outside the biggest city in New England), there are several Meetup groups dedicated to polyamory. They are NOT intended for dating, and in fact at least one of them makes you give a statement that you know they aren't a dating service and won't be "on the make," so to speak, during their events. But joining a group or two like that in your area, and going to their events, would at least connect you with other like-minded people.

If monogamy doesn't work for you, don't revert to monogamy just to improve your dating pool. You'll end up feeling trapped and resentful with whomever you find as a partner. Whether or not it's worth "toughing out"... you're the only one who can make that decision.
 
Respectablegains said:
My the kink stuff is byproduct of living in the puget sound area rather than poly :p
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Your area is packed with alternative lifestyle people, probably more per capita than anywhere else in the world. I lived in Olympia and Seattle for 20 years. Kink is certainly an option, but by no means a requirement and there are oodles of poly people who are not into kink at all. Just knowing they're out there can be helpful. OKCupid is crawling with poly in the PacNW. So what if they are in Seattle where your GF is? Seattle is enormous with more swarming in every day!!! This Seattle Meet-Up group looks promising and is specifically not a kinkster group.

As for being a guy, you have only to read the many threads here about this and you'll soon come to see that poly men often have a very different experience than poly women.
 
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Thanks for the advice! I think while I do have a disadvantage in orientation and gender I think I can make this work. Never one to back down from a challenge (though it is irksom to play against a stacked hand) and we will see how I feel about all this a few months down the road. Hell Ive only been at this a few month's and I have someone that I could call a partner. Plus I'm about to attend evergreen so I should have no issues there. In an Ideal world Id have between 3-4 partners and I already have 2.

Ill definitely look into the Seattle scene a little more and checkout meetup. Thanks again :D
 
I'm not sure how sage my advice will be, because I'm pretty new to polyamory too, but here it goes.

1) Right now I'm calling myself polyamorous in an open relationship (with my husband). It's open because I'm looking for new partners, it's polyamorous because our relationship allows intimacy with multiple partners.

2) You've only been looking a few months. I think you should give it more time. I think you're at a disadvantage for being straight and polyamorous (you're cutting big chunks out of the population with both orientations), but I wouldn't call it massive. If I was in your shoes, I'd keep communicating openly about what you're looking for and try to get some social-based hobbies. Hobbies means friends means less loneliness, and social-based means you're going to meet people with similar interests. You said you were going to a new school, that also should be just hopping with opportunities to meet people.

I don't know if veto arrangements are common or not. We had one for a hot minute before we veto'd the veto arrangement. I wouldn't even want to be in a relationship with someone who had one. The assumptions behind it squick me out.

3) I'm not a kinkster. I've been using OKC to meet people. I live in a small town in a relatively conservative area and I'm not extremely out about being poly. I'm also not a man, so I'm not really sure my input here is valid. But there definitely are groups where you can meet poly people. They do seem to be in the larger cities, mostly, but you could always try to start one on something like meetup.org if you don't have a local one. Breaking into the community seems to be the hard part.

4) Returning to monogamy would be your only shot... at what? This option entirely depends on whether you'd be happy being monogamous. Some people can't be. But if you could be, that could be an option for you. I was monogamous for a long time because I really liked the man who ended up being my husband. He filled a lot of my needs and most of my wants. I wasn't unhappy with monogamy, even if I did have occasional 'grass could be greener' feelings. We ended up opening up our relationship, but it was decision, not mine.

If I was in your shoes and had decided to jump ship to monogamy, I would find a highly confident and secure woman so that I could have close friendships and scratch my emotional intimacy itches while staying monogamous. But I don't have high needs for physical intimacy in my relationships. I'm also not in your shoes.

Wishing you luck!
 
I'm just curious as to how you keep meeting women who want to be monogamous. Are they advertising as poly? Are you?
 
vinsanity0 said:
I'm just curious as to how you keep meeting women who want to be monogamous. Are they advertising as poly? Are you?
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Well, allot of the times they are curios, didn't say or were ambiguous enough about it to either flirt or go out on a date with me. Its usually one of the first (if not thee first) thing I bring up. Then they inform me that lol jk they want me all to themselves and wont go any further because im poly. :confused:
 
I gather that there are 2 sides to your frustration: finding an[other] emotional relationship and sexual.

If - as you wrote - you love your current GF and she loves you, I don't understand why you would want to break it off with her in order to qualify as a single, monogamous man. Unless the sexual frustration is your main problem? Or is she so active - and enthusiastic - in her new poly freedom, that she hasn't got time for you?

If she really does love you, she'll be willing to help you on this. I suspect that - so far - she's the best thing that you've got going for you. Am I wrong?

If what you need is really regular sexual and emotional intercourse and you're willing to sacrifice your relationship with your GF, if need be, in order to get it, then, yes, consider this option. Maybe polyamory isn't really for you. If polyamory was an idea to get more varied sex more often and it isn't working out that way, maybe you were barking up the wrong tree.

I also infer that you live in Olympia and your GF lives in Seattle. According to Google Maps, that's about 61 miles, 1 1/2 hours by car. (Not taking into account city traffic each end?) You say that you'd be willing to look for other partners there.

The Evergreen student body has a pretty progressive reputation. Once term starts, I think that you'll find no shortage of at least a social life. Are students / future students already hanging about the campus? You could put up a notice on a noticeboard indicating interest in meeting like-minded people. You could even start up a polyamory society on-campus. (And that's if one doesn't already exist: I wouldn't be surprised.)

My personal take on poly is "If there isn't any emotion involved, it isn't worth a fuck." Literally and expletively. But "different strokes for different folks". If you find someone for casual sex and you're both OK with that, well, fine. The one thing you shouldn't do is start a relationship without being honest about being poly. Sexual partners who feel as if they've been duped can get pretty resentful. And a small-town college might "not be big enough for the 2 of you". 3 clichés in one paragraph! But then, clichés become clichés because they're basically true.

Can you hang on until term-time gets into swing (pardon the pun)? At a pinch, you've always got your hand for ONE facet of your frustration.:D:eek::rolleyes: Or there's that 90-minute drive to Seattle.
 
Well the reason to go poly is multifaceted. Myself and my girl love each-other very much that's true and we were ok in our monogamy for the time being but both of us acknowledge that it would not be an indefinite thing. Both of us (especially if we were ever to get married) would eventually want to try some sort of open relationship for our own reasons. Life just kind of forced us to try this ahead of time.

The reason for wanting to try poly for me is that it would be nice not only to have the variety but the emotional support of multiple partners. It takes the burden of all my expectations and needs (which are admittedly high) off of one individual. The frustration is I need allot of attention and sex, and so far my girl can only see me (and I her) about once a month. Ideally I would like to have just a few partners I see regularly outside of her. I find endless dating a kind of exhausting distraction. What compounds the problem is were not going to be living together until I'm done with school and I only have 20 some credits so far. So if my needs are not being met for an extended period ill do what i have to do :(

I really do hope everyone is right about TESC.

P.S As to the sexual aspect of it I happen to agree with you, emotionless sex is just assisted-masturbation. Though I wouldn't say no to a fuck buddy, my hand is being subjected to draconian working conditions :(
 
Respectablegains said:
Well, allot of the times they are curios, didn't say or were ambiguous enough about it to either flirt or go out on a date with me. Its usually one of the first (if not thee first) thing I bring up. Then they inform me that lol jk they want me all to themselves and wont go any further because im poly. :confused:
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Seems kind of shitty on their part, but at least you are giving it a go. I tend to stay away from the ones who aren't openly poly. I do agree with whoever pointed out that okc is just one tool. I live in Seattle and have whittled it down to three suitable women, and I'm dating one of those...lol. I am one of the kinky ones so I do have other means.
 
vinsanity0 said:
Seems kind of shitty on their part....
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Let's keep in mind that these are college aged people - not kids, but certainly in the early days of finding their way. Almost every college student is in the process of discovering her boundaries and preferences, being young and away from the nest and without a lifetime of experience to draw upon. I flirted with "poly" and "open relationships" (and had rocky rides in college for sure) for many years before finally figuring out how to do it in a non-dramatic, straight forward way. I wouldn't call those college women's behavior "shitty" so much as I would call it inexperienced.

The Evergreen State College is a Mecca for outside-the-box thinkers, so the concept of poly will be familiar to most there. Still, these are all young adults and really, everyone will be there gathering experience. I wouldn't put any more expectations on them than that. Some college women are cool with poly and some think it's crazy. Most don't know what they think until they find themselves having an experience with it. Learning how to find people who fit with our own desires is part of what college is all about.
 
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Respectablegains said:
Well the reason to go poly is multifaceted. Myself and my girl love each-other very much that's true and we were ok in our monogamy for the time being but both of us acknowledge that it would not be an indefinite thing. Both of us (especially if we were ever to get married) would eventually want to try some sort of open relationship for our own reasons. Life just kind of forced us to try this ahead of time.

The reason for wanting to try poly for me is that it would be nice not only to have the variety but the emotional support of multiple partners. It takes the burden of all my expectations and needs (which are admittedly high) off of one individual. [...]
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So now I really don't understand why you're considering splitting up with her! You think that - going mono - you're going to find that sex machine with a huge heart and infinite spare time who IS going to carry "the burden of all my expectations and needs (which are admittedly high)"? Just LISTEN to yourself!

You've got this wonderful girlfriend who can only see you [it cuts both ways, you know] once a month, but would be happy if you could find 2 or 3 other REALLY NICE young women whom you'll be able to see (and cuddle... and comfort... and have amazing sex with... and FALL IN LOVE WITH) a LOT more frequently.

And you're even considering throwing that away???

I'd wank for 3 years (if I couldn't find those other 2 or 3) to keep my options open on someone like her.

I'm a big fan of hugs. Give your Seattle girlfriend a big one from me. (You JERK! ;):p:D)
 
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MrFarFromRight said:
f!

You've got this wonderful girlfriend who can only see you [it cuts both ways, you know] once a month, but would be happy if you could find 2 or 3 other REALLY NICE young women whom you'll be able to see (and cuddle... and comfort... and have amazing sex with... and FALL IN LOVE WITH) a LOT more frequently.
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Hence my decision to stick it out for a while and see where it goes.

And trust me we will be doing allot more than hugging next we see each other :p (this Sunday wew!) but no she's not on this site, or OKC, or any other online media except FB and rarely even that.
 
Hi Respectablegains,

Re: what do you call yourself ... polyamory is essentially a subset of nonmonogamy, it is nonmonogamy plus emotional involvement such as intimacy and/or romance. The word "open" has multiple meanings depending on the context. It can mean the same thing as nonmonogamous. It can also mean open to sex outside of one's committed circle, or it can mean open to adding someone new to one's committed circle. So, I'm probably complicating your question rather than answering it, but I would probably stick with "poly" or "nonmonogamous." Nonmonogamous if you're not quite sure that poly is a fit for you.

Re: are poly men at a disadvantage ... yes. While lots of people can get lucky, what we most often hear of on this forum is that poly men have a really hard time finding any women who are interested in dating them.

Re: do men commonly veto a new boyfriend ... this is the first I've heard of it, or at least of it being so sudden and automatic. People often do have veto policies and it's usually a bad idea. Also, what looks like a veto may be an OPP going to work.

Re: where do you begin ... this will sound odd but I actually wouldn't rule FetLife out as a place to find vanilla poly groups. Sure there is some overlap between kink and poly; after all, they're both fringe groups. That doesn't mean all poly is kinky; I'm quite vanilla just as one example.

Re: are there groups where one could meet people ... if you live in the right place and you do; Seattle and Portland are like the two poly hot spots of the world. With TESC (the Evergreen State College) being located in Olympia, it's possible there's a poly group or two quite close to you. Google "Olympia polyamory" and see if something turns up. Also you can try the following links:

Re: should you tough it out ... is answered based on what you believe will make you happy in the long term. If poly isn't that important to you then maybe it's not worth toughing it out. But you have to decide if "going monogamous," while being easier in the short term, is going to make you unhappy in the long term. Just because you can do something successfully doesn't mean it will make you happy.

Re: does it get better ... you have prospects (e.g. TESC) on the road ahead and things are likely to get better, but: your best prospect is that patience pays off. You might not find the special poly someone/s you're looking for right away but if you find them later on, it's hopeful that they'll be in your life to stay. So in that sense, things will have improved.

Keep in mind that things are fairly good for you right here and now. You have a great girlfriend, already a second woman to date, and prospects for more on the road ahead. Which doesn't mean a great life is guaranteed, but here and now is, after all, the only part of life we can really live.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
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