If Strawberry asks a direct question like "How did you get to open/poly?" and Mango basically says "We used to do Mono/Closed. Then Blueberry had an affair with Grape. Then asked me to consider Open/Poly. So I did. Now we practice this model. "
I think it's fair for Mango to tell it like it honestly was. Why sugarcoat it? Doesn't have to overshare details, but doesn't have to pretend like it didn't happen either.
I think Strawberry could limit her concerns to the space she's in. THIS V. (Strawberry + Mango + Blueberry).
If she's been in the relationship 7 mos and only
now starting to ask deal breaker things? She could learn to ask sooner. That's on her.
If she's disappointed in Mango because Mango made peace with the cheating affair on this side, and chooses to take a "hands off" approach while the other side sorts itself out? She can be disappointed. But it is not up to her what Mango's comfort level should or should not be. HER comfort level is her job.
If this was houses? It is Mango's job to decide if he wants to live in a half built building or wait until it is all built. If Mango is ok living in a half-remodeled duplex? This V on this side is ok enough for Mango? Mango can choose to enter the new poly network and "live on this side on the duplex." Because Mango's comfort level is up to Mango.
If the other part of the duplex is still under construction? It's not always nice living so close to that with construction and stuff still going on, but AGAIN...Mango's willingness to live there belongs to MANGO.
If Strawberry just noticed this is a duplex with the other side still under remodel? Well.... she could learn to ask questions sooner about what she's getting herself into.
Strawberry could also figure out if she wants to leave and stay gone, leave for now and try again when it's all done, or stay and adjust her expectations that NO. This is not a duplex remodel that is all done already like she first thought. This side got finished with healing from cheating. That side is still working through that.
I don't approve of cheating. At the same time? If it happened and people are trying to recover from it -- that takes some time and space. And the rest of life and living doesn't stop just because this part of it needs time and space.
I'm with Ravenscroft on that one.
Ravenscroft said:
IME, it's not uncommon among "poly" people who have had little (or no) real-world experience with balancing multiple relationships, & are quick to pronounce upon the failings of others outside their little bubble.
Life is messy. It's on the individual to figure out just
how much mess they are willing to put up with.
Mango is ok being in a half finished duplex? That's Mango's choice.
Strawberry doesn't like that? That's on Strawberry. Don't date Mango then.
Neither one of them is on the construction crew for the other side. Neither of them is a stakeholder/owner of that side. That's all on Grape, Peaches, and Blueberry.
Strawberry could not expect Mango to be the manager of how things go on that side -- telling Blueberry, Grape, or Peaches what to do. Mango is not in charge of how fast their healing process on that side goes. That is not a Mango job.
If Strawberry doesn't want to be "neighbors" with these people, don't be then.
Galagirl
