opalescent
Active member
Despite the flippant title, I've been doing some thinking about this topic lately. I went to a poly discussion group in my area recently. While there, I realized that I don't want to be a secondary. At all. Ever (well for the foreseeable future).
When I was dating (taking a break currently) I mostly dated men who were already married or in relationships. I initially thought I would be fine with being a secondary. I have no desire to harm anyone's relationship with their spouse, I don't want to replace their spouse, I'm good with boundaries and being respectful of other folk's boundaries. I communicate and all that.
I have no desire to date a couple. A main reason is that I have never experienced being attracted to both people in a couple. Ever. I usually have sexual attraction towards one and warm friendship fuzzies towards the other. (I also have warm friendship fuzzies with the people I'm attracted to but that's not the point.) I'm also terrible at multi-tasking and dating a couple seems like way too many plates in the air for me. I know people manage it but seriously, it seems like a circus level trick to me.
Ok, lots of people in couples date separately. The men I went out with all had spouses who were fine with them dating separately. I tried that for a while. Met some fine people but nothing catching fire. That happens with dating right? Takes time to meet people with whom one has chemistry, right? All true.
But what I realized during this discussion group is that I don't want to date someone who is not going to be able to make me a high priority. And I also realized that I am a somewhat demanding partner. I give much in return, yes, but I do need a high level of time, involvement and intimacy. I'm unwilling to be in a relationship that has no chance of offering that evolution. I realized I no longer want to waste time dating people who have room for a secondary but not a high priority relationship. This does mean my available pool of compatible people shrinks which I am bummed about. I don't have a big pool to begin with! For me commitment is about who gets your time when there must be a choice. I want to be in the top three of that list for another. That for me defines a primary partner - who gets the time and attention when those things are scarce. I don't automatically want to live with a partner although I will consider it, I will likely never intertwine finances again, and I don't have children nor want them, so those definitions of 'primary' don't work for me. But who, in a crunch, gets time and attention - that makes sense to me.
I want a primary relationship in that sense. Where I am the top one or two priority. Where I offer that kind of commitment and care back. I've never had that and I want it. Beaker loved me but her career was always going to be first. Most of the time, that was ok, I felt a very close second. But I want to know what it feels like to be 'number one'.
I suppose it is possible to have more than one primary relationship using this model. I find that hard to conceptualize though. So in that sense, this is a kind of hierarchical. I don't like the idea of hierarchal where people are disposable or seen as lesser. But it does make sense to me that there is only so much time and attention and where those resources are directed should be a conscious decision. And that decision means some get less. They might be just fine with that - may work well for them and be what they want. But it is still less, still not a top priority. And I do not want that anymore.
I like the idea of solopoly. I think it is a fine counterweight to assumptions about coupledom and what relationships 'should' be. I also intellectually like the idea of seeing what level a relationship reaches 'naturally' and going on from there. But my reality is different. I find if I do not focus on what I actually really and truly want, my life gets cluttered. Cluttered with good things and people but not what I want. For me I need to focus and set an intent to be open to what I want. Not a happenstance 'level'. I suspect this model does well for folks who are way better at accepting what is and going with the flow than I am. I'm an only child and have that bone deep certainty that, yes, the universe does spin around me and bends to my will. Do I know this isn't actually so? Yes, of course. But I do so much better when I am seeking what I want. It's true I have met my loves when I wasn't 'looking' but I was open to love in some way.
I am keeping the option open for now of having FWBs and play partners. I have people I do play with in a kink sense now. I want more sex in my life and at least potentially I can see meeting that need through FWBs. But I may evolve away from this and only have sex in the context of connection and commitment. But I'm not quite ready to pull the trigger on that.
I do feel oddly selfish about this. I would like to be a person who could go with the flow, accept things as they are, see the level of a relationship. But I am not that person. I don't want to be a secondary at all.
I'd be curious about other folks thoughts on their process on deciding if secondary could work for you or not. Or if primary type thing was just too much and solo poly is the way to go. Basically I'm curious how people sorted out what they wanted.
When I was dating (taking a break currently) I mostly dated men who were already married or in relationships. I initially thought I would be fine with being a secondary. I have no desire to harm anyone's relationship with their spouse, I don't want to replace their spouse, I'm good with boundaries and being respectful of other folk's boundaries. I communicate and all that.
I have no desire to date a couple. A main reason is that I have never experienced being attracted to both people in a couple. Ever. I usually have sexual attraction towards one and warm friendship fuzzies towards the other. (I also have warm friendship fuzzies with the people I'm attracted to but that's not the point.) I'm also terrible at multi-tasking and dating a couple seems like way too many plates in the air for me. I know people manage it but seriously, it seems like a circus level trick to me.
Ok, lots of people in couples date separately. The men I went out with all had spouses who were fine with them dating separately. I tried that for a while. Met some fine people but nothing catching fire. That happens with dating right? Takes time to meet people with whom one has chemistry, right? All true.
But what I realized during this discussion group is that I don't want to date someone who is not going to be able to make me a high priority. And I also realized that I am a somewhat demanding partner. I give much in return, yes, but I do need a high level of time, involvement and intimacy. I'm unwilling to be in a relationship that has no chance of offering that evolution. I realized I no longer want to waste time dating people who have room for a secondary but not a high priority relationship. This does mean my available pool of compatible people shrinks which I am bummed about. I don't have a big pool to begin with! For me commitment is about who gets your time when there must be a choice. I want to be in the top three of that list for another. That for me defines a primary partner - who gets the time and attention when those things are scarce. I don't automatically want to live with a partner although I will consider it, I will likely never intertwine finances again, and I don't have children nor want them, so those definitions of 'primary' don't work for me. But who, in a crunch, gets time and attention - that makes sense to me.
I want a primary relationship in that sense. Where I am the top one or two priority. Where I offer that kind of commitment and care back. I've never had that and I want it. Beaker loved me but her career was always going to be first. Most of the time, that was ok, I felt a very close second. But I want to know what it feels like to be 'number one'.
I suppose it is possible to have more than one primary relationship using this model. I find that hard to conceptualize though. So in that sense, this is a kind of hierarchical. I don't like the idea of hierarchal where people are disposable or seen as lesser. But it does make sense to me that there is only so much time and attention and where those resources are directed should be a conscious decision. And that decision means some get less. They might be just fine with that - may work well for them and be what they want. But it is still less, still not a top priority. And I do not want that anymore.
I like the idea of solopoly. I think it is a fine counterweight to assumptions about coupledom and what relationships 'should' be. I also intellectually like the idea of seeing what level a relationship reaches 'naturally' and going on from there. But my reality is different. I find if I do not focus on what I actually really and truly want, my life gets cluttered. Cluttered with good things and people but not what I want. For me I need to focus and set an intent to be open to what I want. Not a happenstance 'level'. I suspect this model does well for folks who are way better at accepting what is and going with the flow than I am. I'm an only child and have that bone deep certainty that, yes, the universe does spin around me and bends to my will. Do I know this isn't actually so? Yes, of course. But I do so much better when I am seeking what I want. It's true I have met my loves when I wasn't 'looking' but I was open to love in some way.
I am keeping the option open for now of having FWBs and play partners. I have people I do play with in a kink sense now. I want more sex in my life and at least potentially I can see meeting that need through FWBs. But I may evolve away from this and only have sex in the context of connection and commitment. But I'm not quite ready to pull the trigger on that.
I do feel oddly selfish about this. I would like to be a person who could go with the flow, accept things as they are, see the level of a relationship. But I am not that person. I don't want to be a secondary at all.
I'd be curious about other folks thoughts on their process on deciding if secondary could work for you or not. Or if primary type thing was just too much and solo poly is the way to go. Basically I'm curious how people sorted out what they wanted.