Seeking advice...considering polyamory...

Z

zerojohnnyx

New member
We're a gay couple. We've been together for 9 years, going on ten. He's my first boyfriend. I'm 31. He's 41. We started dating and kind of rushed into things. Within two weeks, I had moved into his place.

Basically, I had stayed over at his place for about a week and the next thing I know my family had moved out of the place they were staying. I knew they were moving, but not within a week's time.

So, sex was always minimal with us. He's always told me that he has a low sex drive. We would have sex maybe a few times a month. I was always fine with that. I didn't have a problem with just masturbating.

Things started changing when his (step) father passed away in 2011. Actually, he also had two grandmothers, and a few friends pass in that year.

So, about a few months after his father passed, he randomly brings home this guy for us to mess around with. I was initially weird-ed out by this. I was never wanting a threesome. I figure, he's dealing with some things, I'll do this to try and help him through.

Fast forward, we've had some threesomes. There's been some times where he tries to set me up with someone, or so it seems to me, and there's been some times where he's (drunkenly) said it's okay for me to have sex with someone else. There's been a time where I'm getting ready for work, and I come to find that he's online asking a guy to come over.

He tells me to stay off networking sites(Grindr, A4A, gay.com, etc.), but I see that he's still on them. Basically, he'll give me a pass to have sex with someone else, but, sometimes, he'll get upset, jealous, afterwards.

Also, some months back, I had told him that I felt a bit bothered that he mainly wanted to have sex when he was drinking. He tells me that's about the only time he likes to have sex. He (mis)understood my question as me saying that I don't like to have sex when he's drinking, which is not really the case.

I can be okay with monogamy. He has some fetishes he's into, and I don't fit into them. He wants his fetish met, I would like to have sex, so adding a third member to the relationship may help fill that gap.
 
Not knowing anything else about your situation, the one thing that strikes me: why is it OK for him to be on Grindr and other dating sites but not OK for you? That strikes me as highly imbalanced. That combined with a couple of other red flags--this is your first boyfriend, he is ten years older, and it seems so much of the things in your relationship such as moving in together plus sleeping with other guys have happened at his request without any discussion with you--make me wonder if he's taking advantage of you in some way. Not that first relationships or relationships with age differences are always like that. But taken all together, I feel some concern.

The "sex only when drinking" is a bit of a concern too. Has he ever been able to open up more about this? Some bad experience in his past?

If you are poly, I worry that your boyfriend might be the one setting all the rules for you and any metamours you have. And in my experience that isn't easy.

I wish you the best in whatever you hope to do.
 
I agree with OnceandFuture. I would be concerned about the double standard. My impression is that he's ok with you being with other men as long as he can exert control over that (he finds the men, decides when, etc.) Are you allowed to choose your own men? OTOH, it appears that he has total control over who he sees/when, even to the point that you may not be aware of the meeting (asking a man to come over when you're leaving for work and presumably won't be home.) Am I reading the situation correctly?

Do you know what you want/need? Ie, do you want a fwb, a full on poly relationship, casual sex encounters, occasional threesomes, monogamy, etc? I'd start there. Figure out what you'd like and then discuss that with your partner. In my experience, it works much better if you each communicate your desires and work from there. Letting one person make all the decisions is a recipe for resentment down the road, imo.
 
zerojohnnyx said:
I can be okay with monogamy. He has some fetishes he's into, and I don't fit into them. He wants his fetish met, I would like to have sex, so adding a third member to the relationship may help fill that gap.
Click to expand...

It is fine to consider polyamory (or is this supposed to be an open-for-sex-only relationship?) for dismatched sexual preferences, but try to consider that "adding a third" or sticking with threesomes only might not be the best. He is into kink, you aren't - so perhaps let him go to playparties alone?
You want sex - fine, find a partner of yourself. You don't need the same person to be his playpartner, right? You don't need your husband always present to your sexy time, do you?
 
Hi zerojohnnyx,

Can I just ask, how do you feel about things in general? Do you like the direction things are going? What do you like and what do you dislike?

I may think of some advice to give. For now I just wanted some additional info from your point of view.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
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