Seeking advice: mono/poly relationship-- is it doomed or can it work?

[nicole.k]

Hi there,

I got into a poly relationship with my curent partner almost 2 years ago. At the time, I thought I could be poly, but pretty quickly it got heavy. I experience so much heavy emotions (like jealousy, anger, sadness, grief, resentment), most of time, I don't pretend it doesn't exist (it: the poly part of my partner and his other relationships).

At first, I tried to eliminate some problems between us which I thought could be the reasons for all my emotions, but it hasn't helped. During the two years i realised i didn't like anything casual with other people, and want intimacy only when i'm in love, and i don't fall in love all that often. With all these hard emotions, i don't even want to think about other people. So potentially, maybe i'm able to love few people romantically, but I'm really not sure now.

This relationship I'm in is really heading to perfection, if only to talk about things inside our relationship. It is very fulfilling and there is a lot of love and affection. We get on intellectually, sexually, emotionally, etc. I know i feel very good with him and it even improved all other areas of my life. But the thought of him having romantic relationships as deep, as committed, as time-taking, makes me have a panic attack.

I totally get polyamory intellectually and even like it, but my feelings are so overwhelming and too much for me often. It took me while to express all of that to him. i did it just recently, because i'm afraid of conflicts and i'm a big people pleaser, but now he knows everything. I don't know for now, for sure, what he thinks about it, but from what i heard him expressing earlier, for whatever reasons, he doesn't want to have anything but parallel polyamory/relationship anarchy/solo polyamory (it has parts of all of them).

I also discovered i have some codependency issues which i'm battling, but i can't be sure it's just them making this dynamic hard for me.

I know he wants to do his best to keep this relationship and for me to be happy. I wish so much he would compromise even a bit on the type of dynamic, to make it just a bit easier for me. It feels unfair. But i know i can't demand it from him. For some time, i've been coming to him with my feelings of jealousy. He wants to help, but he doesn't see it even as a part of this dynamic for me. My feelings are either unreasonable or he is a bad partner. I honestly don't know what to do...

 

[kdt26417]

Hello nicole.k,

Mono/poly is something that can work, there are people who make it work. Though it does require a lot of love, a lot of good communication, and a willingness to compromise on both sides. What you have to determine is, is mono/poly right for you at this time? If it's not something you want, you shouldn't have to do it. Your partner shouldn't be telling you your feelings are unreasonable, which is pointing the finger at you, nor should he be saying, "I guess I'm just a bad partner," which is pointing the finger at himself. Either way he is throwing up his hands, and giving up on the idea of treating you right. Don't let him do that, stand up for yourself.

That's what I think,
Kevin T.

 

[LoveBunny]

It *can* work, if the mono partner really enjoys their alone time, or has a very busy, fulfilling social life/family life/work life or hobbies that take up a lot of bandwidth.

But if you're someone who enjoys a lot of togetherness--and it is perfectly ok to want that, a parallel poly or R.A. experience might not be for you. You may not have as much of your partner's time and energy as you might like. He may want to put serious time, money and effort into courting someone else. He might take romantic getaways with someone who isn't you. Live part-time with another partner. Might make life decisions based not just on the two of you, but on another partner. Have a child with someone else.

Parallel or not, his dating life *will* affect you. He'll come home in a bad mood after a fight with his new girlfriend. Or horny after a hot threesome with his FWB and her partner. There'll be birth control/STI issues to sort out. His other girlfriend might have an emergency in the middle of your quality time he must attend to. Maybe you'll resent the intrusion, or maybe you'll be big about it. Either way, you're sharing something hugely important to you (your person) with someone who you may or may not like, or even know very well. You may feel it diminishes what you have with him.

A monogamous person might try dating to "even things out," but this often feels like wasted time. You don't want someone else, you want your person!! Meanwhile, your poly partner doesn't feel the same way. They're excited about their other partners, and probably not thinking much about you when they're with them.

I speak from experience (I've been on both sides of this equation) when I tell you that, most likely, eventually, as much as you love your poly person and are compatible in many ways, you will start to feel something is missing. The relationship blows somehow both too intense and too shallow. You will feel that either you are not "enough" for him, or he is not "enough" for you. They want more freedom, more autonomy, room for a second (or third or fourth) partner. You are wanting more togetherness, more stability, more commitment.

I know you want this person (again, been there.) But if he's not offering the kind of r'ship that's best for you, you might want to think long and hard. Intellectually ok with poly is one thing, but if it's not joyful for you, that's a no.

 

[Tinwen]

The thought of him having other relationships as deep, as committed, as time-taking, makes me have a panic attack.

You can make this a hard no, no polyamory for me, and that would be perfectly sound.

If you still want to try, this is your sore spot. Are you able to put a finger on the origin/reasons for the panic? Is it fear of loss? What are you loosing?

Even if you do all the work, you might still not be compatible with this partner, but even if you doeventually break up, this is still useful self-knowledge. Best take it to therapy.