Seeking sexual relationship advice

phantazmagoria

phantazmagoria

New member
Hello, everyone! Looking for some advice/opinions/suggestions on my particular situation.

Background: I'm in a triad where we all date each other individually, plus as a trio. Me/Husband. Husband/Girlfriend. Me/Girlfriend. All3 together. Essentially, 4 relationships.

The issue I'm struggling with is the sexual relationship that my girlfriend and I have. It's really a beautiful thing, but it is a struggle to maintain. We are both rather submissive, and the idea of assertively initiating sex doesn't come naturally for either of us. If she says she's tired, I take it to mean she doesn't want to have sex, and since I'm not sexually assertive, we just snuggle and go to sleep. I do have a fear of rejection too. And our female/female sex does seem like a "production" sometimes with the "gear" involved (strap-on, dildos, vibrators, etc). We don't know how to have a quickie with female/female sex. And even without the "gear", it seems like achieving orgasms takes soooooo long for both of us ..... so instead of even trying when she says she's tired, we just go to sleep.

And then days become weeks before we engage in sex, and sometimes it just feels like obligation at that point.

With the husband/boyfriend part however ... NONE of this is an issue. He has a penis - no production, gear, or time issues. Quickies can happen with no problem. Him and I have tons of sex. Her and him have tons of sex. (he's also the dominant one, and so we submit to him)

So, because him and her have tons of sex, I get jealous of them because her and I haven't had sex in 2 weeks. I start to think she likes him better, I'm just obligation, we have no sex life, blah blah blah....

I have NO IDEA how to fix this. We've talked and talked. She's told me that sexual confidence and assertiveness is attractive to her, but when it's 12 midnight and we both have to work in the morning, super tired, how can I justify spending an hour and a half trying to get each other off? And because I'm afraid of rejection, it's easier to roll over and sleep. But in the morning, I'm mad at myself for not being assertive or taking the risk of being rejected. And then thinking that when they have their overnight, there will be sex all over the place - then getting bitter, mad, jealous at them.

Thoughts/suggestions/advice/opinions??? I'll take anything at this point.

Her and I just had an overnight last night - and again - no sex. I want to save our sexual relationship!! Please help!
 
Since trying to be more assertive hasn't been working for you and you would feel guilty in spending the time to have a long sex session on a work day evening, have you thought of perhaps changing yours and hers regular date time/over night on to a day where both of you have a free day the next day/don't have to go to work on the next day.

So that way you will not feel guilty of spending the sex marathon production time on her/yourselves and don't have to worry about being tired at work.
 
I'd recommend trying to go to bed earlier on the days that you spend with her. If you're both too tired at midnight, make an effort to go to bed at 10. Or go into the bedroom first, have sexy time, and then do the other things that you want to do with your night.
 
IMO, sex is just like any other part of a relationship -- it requires attention and nurturing from everyone involved. No one, not even the most dominant person, wants to be the one to initiate sex every single time, year after year.

So how do you initiate sex with your husband? Do you tease him during the day so he'll be hot and ready that night? Sexy texts? Lingerie and heels? Whatever you do to keep him interested, try that with your girlfriend. Realize that most of life is showing up and being present in the moment.

Also, I've found that sex between long-time partners is usually a habit. The more you have it, the more you want it. Sure, sometimes you're tired and not exactly in the mood, but after a few minutes of playing around ....

If none of this works, then have an honest talk with your girlfriend. This problem will only get worse the longer it goes unaddressed.
 
I am sorry you struggle.
If she says she's tired, I take it to mean she doesn't want to have sex.
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How about just taking it as she's tired and asking clarifying questions?

"Does being tired also mean too tired for sex share?"​

You become more comfortable being assertive by being uncomfortable being assertive first. Confidence is grown by DOING. It doesn't fall out of the sky.

I do have a fear of rejection too.
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She's your GF. She's is here. Not wanting to share sex right this minute from being tired isn't rejecting you. You actually have to ASK before she can say yes or no to sex share. And if no, has to be a raincheck tonight from tiredness? That's just opportunity to schedule a date that includes sex and arrange your calendars so people are NOT tired.

That's part of adult living -- kids, work, etc making us tired. So sometimes, if we want to share sex with lovers, we give up a little spontaneity in favor of making sure to make the time for sharing sex and connecting that way. That doesn't mean the sex is obligatory. But managing time/calendar sometimes is. We have to MAKE the time for important people and important things.

And our female/female sex does seem like a "production" sometimes with the "gear" involved (strap-on, dildos, vibrators, etc). We don't know how to have a quickie with female/female sex.
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And how will this be learned without more time "out in the field" actually having sex learning what the other one likes? Reading things helps, but really? Every person is different.

And even without the "gear", it seems like achieving orgasms takes soooooo long for both of us ..... so instead of even trying when she says she's tired, we just go to sleep.
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My impression is that she says she is tired and you give up and don't even ask if she would like to share sex. Then feel frustrated for not asserting.

You guys are not able to include mutual masturbation or masturbation to orgasm when you do share sex? Play together then end with activities like that so you can end with orgasm? If ending with orgasm is desired?

Galagirl
 
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Spend some time just touching and learning about each other. Sometimes gear is just "stuff". Me personally - oral works much better and any "gear". Talk to her! Find out if "I'm tired" mean no sex or she's just too tired to be assertive?
 
You're definitely not alone in your feelings and interpretations.

My wife and I have been married 11 years and we still seem to have communication problems and problems with me being assertive. I've never been an assertive person in the bedroom, always assumed the woman didn't want it unless she blatantly said so and don't want to come across as that being all I want. If she says she's hurting or tired or even seems uninterested, I immediately assume it means she doesn't want to do anything and I don't even try. When we've had discussions at later times about how she wishes I would be more assertive, she tells me to try anyway, but I'm like you and worry about rejection and like i'm asking for too much if I think she's not up to it for some reason.
 
Why all the gear?
In a year long relationship with a woman we never once used anything but our hands and mouths.

It takes time to learn what works. Hell-Maca and I are still learning new things after 16 years together.
 
nycindie said:
Try it without the toys - and you can do it in the morning, too, you know! ;)
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^This. Can the gear. Be affectionate and if it leads to sex, okay. Fingers and tongues work just fine and you don't need to make a production out of it. Also,, sounds you both need to be more assertive about what you want from each other.
 
Beware Lesbian Sheep!

Have you heard of the lesbian sheep effect? Apparently, female sheep will signal their willingness to have sex with male sheep by standing still and not running away. However, when there are lesbian sheep, they both stand still --- and nothing happens. This happens frequently with lesbian and bisexual women. Women are expected by society to be the 'receptive' partner and overcoming all of the assumptions, expectations and social norms to have sexy times with another woman can be difficult. And that can be compounded with the fact that the two of you are submissive and your male partner is a dominant. Just reinforces that lesbian sheep effect.

How to counteract the lesbian sheep effect? Both of you will have to actually ask the other for sexy times. Out loud. A standing date to spend time together (explicitly including possible sexy fun) may be helpful. The idea of getting together earlier in the night another poster suggested is a good one. There is nothing sexy about trying to generate some sexiness when dead tired. I have to well fed, well rested, comfortable and in a decent mood before even thinking about initiating or responding to sexual overtures. Maybe a fun code word or phrase when one of you is feeling randy? ('How about some hot cross buns sweetie?' complete with suggestive eye brow movement. Your mileage may vary. I've been known to get wet just by a good pun.) Especially if the code word comes with no expectation of sex that instant - just a way to set the tone and put out some feelers.

I also agree with setting aside the toys occasionally. Set aside the orgasm a end point too. Just for a while. Working really hard to 'give' a partner an orgasm just kills the fun. Expectations to 'cause' or have an orgasm are serious lady boner killers. Women often do take more time to come than men. A way to manage this? Make it a game to explore each other bodies (every bit - not just boobs and pussy!) and see how many squeaks, moans, and other fun noises you can get each other to make. Experiment! What happens when you touch her shoulder like so? What happens when she kisses the back of your knee? What happens when you do this with no toys? With toys? And so on.

I was rather stunned to learn when I started dating men that some men really only consider their penis to be their erogenous zone. Yes, they enjoyed kissing and such but where they wanted to be touched/sucked was the penis. Paying attention to other parts just didn't do much for them. Having dated women almost exclusively to that point and used to the female body being potentially ALL erogenous zone - well, it was an education. I urge you to take advantage of this potential.

Have fun!

P.S. I don't know if there are actually lesbian sheep.
 
phantazmagoria said:
Hello, everyone! Looking for some advice/opinions/suggestions on my particular situation.

Background: I'm in a triad where we all date each other individually, plus as a trio. Me/Husband. Husband/Girlfriend. Me/Girlfriend. All3 together. Essentially, 4 relationships.

The issue I'm struggling with is the sexual relationship that my girlfriend and I have. It's really a beautiful thing, but it is a struggle to maintain. We are both rather submissive, and the idea of assertively initiating sex doesn't come naturally for either of us. If she says she's tired, I take it to mean she doesn't want to have sex, and since I'm not sexually assertive, we just snuggle and go to sleep. I do have a fear of rejection too. And our female/female sex does seem like a "production" sometimes with the "gear" involved (strap-on, dildos, vibrators, etc). We don't know how to have a quickie with female/female sex. And even without the "gear", it seems like achieving orgasms takes soooooo long for both of us ..... so instead of even trying when she says she's tired, we just go to sleep.

And then days become weeks before we engage in sex, and sometimes it just feels like obligation at that point.

With the husband/boyfriend part however ... NONE of this is an issue. He has a penis - no production, gear, or time issues. Quickies can happen with no problem. Him and I have tons of sex. Her and him have tons of sex. (he's also the dominant one, and so we submit to him)

So, because him and her have tons of sex, I get jealous of them because her and I haven't had sex in 2 weeks. I start to think she likes him better, I'm just obligation, we have no sex life, blah blah blah....

I have NO IDEA how to fix this. We've talked and talked. She's told me that sexual confidence and assertiveness is attractive to her, but when it's 12 midnight and we both have to work in the morning, super tired, how can I justify spending an hour and a half trying to get each other off? And because I'm afraid of rejection, it's easier to roll over and sleep. But in the morning, I'm mad at myself for not being assertive or taking the risk of being rejected. And then thinking that when they have their overnight, there will be sex all over the place - then getting bitter, mad, jealous at them.

Thoughts/suggestions/advice/opinions??? I'll take anything at this point.

Her and I just had an overnight last night - and again - no sex. I want to save our sexual relationship!! Please help!
Click to expand...

Are you sure you two are really attracted to each other? If it all seems like a chore, and it's so difficult for either of you to cum, even once!... I suspect you two think you need to have sex, it IS an obligation. How about just taking a break and just shagging the man, one on one, or as a 3some?

OTOH, if you're attracted to her but she's just not feeling it, that is sad, and I offer my sympathies. Maybe you need to find another girl who is hot for you.

I well know how hard it is for 2 submissives to make any decision together, much less to decide if, when or how to have sex. You've got your Dom, have sex when he orders you to!

Polyamory does not require working, equal triads, where everyone has sex with the other two in equal regular ways. Do you think it does?
 
I am happy to report that we talked. We are aware of this being a "thing" with us. We both understand that we have to sometimes mean halfway. We definitely LOVE having sex with each other.

We had amazing sex the other night and learned something new about each other. We bought a new dildo, the chin kind with a strap that goes around your head. While it felt good when both of us tried it out, when it came right down to eating that pussy ... we had to take it off and toss aside for the mounting orgasm to explode. For both of us.

So, yeah ... no gear necessary. I get it now!

Thanks everyone for your advice.
 
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