Seeking Triad Advice

phantazmagoria

phantazmagoria

New member
Bio: I am a woman, married to my husband 10 years. I started dating a beautiful girl 2 months ago. We all date each other: me and him, me and her, her and him, and the three of us.

Question #1: She and the husband have had sexual relations without me, but not penetrative vaginal sex. I know they both want to, and are just waiting for me to say "go." I don't feel much pressure. I do feel guilt.

How do I get to a place where I'm totally fine with this? They only thing I can think of is just to let them do it, and see what happens, but that sounds so risky!

Question #2: How does one become totally comfortable with their third seeing other people outside of the triad?

It's obvious that the gf has needs that aren't being met from being a third, but so far into this, she's deemed it worthy to stay unofficially monogamous to us. Then last night, she had drinks with another man and they kissed. Ugh!

How do I get to a place where I am cool with her being with other people?

I feel like I'm supposed to be totally fine with them having sex alone AND her having sex with others... but how??

I feel like the future of our relationship depends on me finding a comfortable place with these two issues.

Any advice?
 
Hi, phantazmagoria,

Here's hoping I can answer some of your questions...

First off, congrats on what sounds like a pretty great situation, with everyone talking to everyone, everyone dating everyone, and hopefully to all three of you having time together, too.

Question #1: She and the husband have had sexual relations without me, but not penetrative vaginal sex. I know they both want to, and are just waiting for me to say "go," and where I don't feel much pressure, I do feel guilt.
Click to expand...

What do you feel guilty about?

How do I get to a place where I'm totally fine with this? They only thing I can think of is just to let them do it, and see what happens, but that sounds so risky!
Click to expand...

I gotta say, this seems to be the approach that will work best. They're already fooling around, happily so, and respectful of your desires. That's awesome, and a skill you three shouldn't lose. Also, they want to go further, and if they do that with respect, and you do it with love and compassion for them, then just let them go there.

Are you afraid of where it might lead? Why would this be risky? Are you able to do things with her that he can't? I'm going to guess that this is a situation of opening up, because you and your husband can do things together that she can't do with him, and perhaps not with you. What pathway do you see to being a real triad that can honestly intertwine?

And is that the risk? Of losing something with your husband because of his (and your!) involvement with someone new? I'm going to guess that you've already changed your marriage in subtle ways. Making those public is a lot less risky than keeping them hidden away.

But again, I'm just guessing. If you could talk more about "risk " and "guilt," that would be really helpful.


#2 question: How does one become totally comfortable with their third seeing other people outside of the triad?
Click to expand...

You say that she wants more than she can get from being in this triad, but it also sounds like this triad includes space where she can't go, yet. Is that a permanent choice? Are you really seeking a triad, or are you seeking a playmate on the side? (Either one is fine, as long as you know what you're seeking and what the consequences of that choice are.) If you see a pathway toward a balanced triad in which she has meaningful relationships that fulfill her, maybe you'll end up in a closed, fidelitous relationship. But if she's feeling left out and wants something you can't give her, for whatever reason, then she's within her rights to seek a relationship like she really wants.

It sounds like communication on this is going to be meaningful and important.

One recommendation: don't call her a third. That puts her on the outside of your couple. That, or accept that your husband is a third to your relationship with her, and you're the third in his relationship with her. I really dislike that phrasing, because it implies that the "third" is the one left out. It doesn't have to be that way-- it can be an enjoyed space where that couple has something awesome, and because you're dating them both, you get to enjoy the awesomeness they share with each other.

How do I get to a place where I am cool with her being with other people?
Click to expand...

Based on your first question, are you cool with her being with your husband? That sounds like a strong place to start! You're scared of where this might go, it seems, and also wanting it to go places you haven't articulated yet. You like her being monogamous to the two of you, but you haven't wanted her to be fully together with your husband. Am I reading that right? because it could be that she needs security that she doesn't have, yet.[/I]

I feel like I'm supposed to be totally fine with them having sex alone and her having sex with others... but how??
Click to expand...

Aw, man, I don't know of any "supposed to's" when it comes to triads and poly. There's what works for you, based on ungodly amounts of communication. What do you really want? What does your husband really want? What does she really want? In what way are you happy together, and what will you have to change to find the happiness that you seek? Those questions are real, and difficult.

For all that my answers ask for clarity and such, I'm not critiquing. I think communication is key. I think openness and honesty and inclusiveness are key. And remembering that a triad is way more complicated than couple-and-a-third is key.

It's impossible to say that you're half of a couple, but she's a third of it all. That's a recipe for her to feel less. All of you are one third of something larger, now, and your thirds combine into two-third segments, and the whole of you is much larger and more intricate than what you had before.

Hope that helps! :)
 
Last edited:
Wow

You can be not okay with her having intercourse with your husband, or you can be not okay with her having sex with other people (men), but not both.

You say she's okay being "monogamous" with you, even though you treat her as something on the side. Clearly she isn't, or she wouldn't have gone on a date. She has needs you won't "allow" her to get met by her boyfriend in the triad. Fine. She's allowed to get those needs meet elsewhere. And you freak out over a KISS???

She has demonstrated a clear patience with you. But if you keep being unreasonable and controlling, she'll probably leave. Or start ignoring you completely. I would, if I were her.

In other words, she's a person, not a pet. I agree with pulliman. Don't call her "your third." It's not only insulting, it implies you own her.
 
Last edited:
Holy double standards there, Batman.

How is denial of her wants and needs fair?

You and your husband get to get your sexual itches scratched, and she doesn't?
 
Easy, you start treating her like a person. If she is in a relationship with your partner, she should be able to interact with him how they both want to. If they want to have sex, they should. They are girlfriend and boyfriend, not your possessions. Let them have the relationship they want to. If you have a good husband and/or a good girlfriend who want to be with you, they'll maintain the relationship they have with you, too.

Why are you trying to deny her the opportunity to meet the needs that you don't even want to meet? Don't you feel selfish and uncaring?
 
In the process you are hurting someone else.

She is not a possession or a toy.
 
Trite phrases are no less true for being trite: The opposite of fear is love.

If you're scared... try, anyway. Otherwise, you end up hurting the person you wish to love.
 
phantazmagoria said:
And it's only been 2 months. Still figuring things out. Learning as we go.
Click to expand...

Exactly, it's only been two months. If you want her giving up all others but you and him, that takes time. Don't scare her off by telling her how it'll be in future, according to your plans. Ease her in... Make her be the one to ask. Make it feel like it's her idea. Encourage her by making her feel her relationship with him is natural. Help her to feel comfortable with you.

But it doesn't have to happen today. Take your time with it.
 
Okay, try this: pretend you are the new woman.

How would it feel to be her? Try writing down here on your thread, what you think she is feeling. How do things look from her perspective? (The reason I am encouraging you to write it as opposed to just spinning the questions in your head is because it gets you out of your own head.)

I think once you can develop some empathy for her, you may well be on the road to achieving what you want.
 
I think she is feeling sexually hungry, but at the same time, wanting to build our relationship. I think she's afraid that if she has sex with other people it would mess up our dynamic. And I think she understands me being hesitant about her and my husband having sex alone, but at the same time longs for it.

We've never told her should couldn't be with other people. We haven't officially labeled ourselves committed. She's just been choosing to not see other people because of her fear of our dynamic changing.

And she has voiced that them having sex alone is a big deal and should only be crossed when everyone is 100% ready.

I hope that makes sense.
 
Do you think she may be feeling excluded?

Do you think she may fear always being treated as an outsider? The couple + 1?

Do you think she may fear that she is being used as a toy to spice up the couple's life, with no regard for her as a person?

Do you think she has needs that are not being met in the current dynamic?

Do you think you would feel comfortable in her position?
 
phantazmagoria said:
I think she is feeling sexually hungry, but at the same time wanting to build our relationship. I think she's afraid that if she has sex with other people, it would mess up our dynamic. And I think she understands me being hesitant about her and my husband having sex alone, but at the same time longs for it.

We've never told her couldn't be with other people. We haven't officially labeled ourselves committed. She's just been choosing to not see other people because of her fear of our dynamic changing.

And she has voiced that them having sex alone is a big deal and should only be crossed when everyone is 100% ready.
Click to expand...
You know, changing your language can really help. For example, in your post you said that you've never forbidden her from seeing others, and qualified that by saying you are not yet committed. This implies that commitment always involves a fidelity agreement. That isn't the case, at all. Many of us have commitments and are able to see other people as and when we like.

The problem is that she might be buying into the idea that you and your husband own one another, and as a secondary partner, she should have to have her needs put on a back burner, because she is the abnormal one, the third. That isn't how it has to be at all. You all have to acknowledge her as a person with wishes, desires, needs and rights.
 
Hi, welcome to the board.

Like many other married couples (myself included, when I was married) it seems like you got started in polyamory seeking a "unicorn" to "add" as a "third" to your "couple," to have fun three-way sexy times. Maybe both you and your husband think FMF three-ways are hot. I know it is the most common fantasy men have, at least.

Many couples think only having three-way sex (and usually, even only three-way dates with the unicorn as well) prevents jealousy. Also, many couples require their "shared gf" to not date anyone else, again, so the couple won't be jealous.

All this leaves out the feelings of the "unicorn" completely. Maybe she desires one-on-one sex with your husband, and with you! Maybe she likes you two a lot, but wants one-on-one sex with someone, and if she can't have it with you or your husband, she will seek it elsewhere.

Jealousy is not something you avoid by limiting the behavior of another adult. Jealousy is based on fear of loss. If you're going to be polyamorous, you, personally, and your husband, personally, need to feel the jealousy, investigate your fear of loss, your envy, your low self esteem, and come out as more self confident, openly loving people who do not cling to the fear, but feel it, deal with it, and move beyond it. Otherwise, you are not polyamorous, you're just fucking around, and everyone is gonna get hurt.
 
I agree. I think you should let the two of them fully fall in love. You should encourage it. Stop fearing your relationship stability with your husband, and start encouraging their closeness, but continue to build your relationship with her specifically, as well. You and your hubby are already set in your standards and ways, and someone new, and a new love for both of you, is always exciting.

Let her be one-on-one with him. Give them their space to discover each other in a deep meaningful way. Those fresh feelings will spill onto you, and her one-on-one with you, as well, but you have to let it. Let her fall for you both, in separate ways, and together as a group as a secondary to this. You should not interfere with their one-on-one, as it would only take away from something of possible great potential between them, which will spill onto you in a good way.

Continue to pursue her, just the two of you, one-on-one, when you can, and bringing the three of you together whenever life lends itself to doing so.

Lots of attention, communication, and affection in all directions is the key. If jealousy starts to appear, then overcome it by allowing the opposite of what it is suggesting. True companionship comes from allowing others their needs without holding them back. Encourage their feelings, and let them know you want to feel it too, first hand, all together, both separately, and as a group, each in its own way.

Just my thoughts on it.
 
Dstone said:
I think you should let the two of them fall in love, and you should encourage it. Stop fearing your relationship stability with your husband, and start encouraging their closeness, but continue to build your relationship with her specifically, as well. You and your hubby are already set in your standards and ways, and someone new, and a new love for both of you, is always exciting. Let her one-on-one with him and give them their space to discover each other in a deep meaningful way. Those fresh feelings will spill onto you, and her one-on-one with you as well, but you have to let it. Let her fall for you both, in a separate way, and together as a group as a secondary to this. You should not interfere with their one-on-one, as it would only take away from something of possible great potential between them, which will spill onto you in a good way. As well, continue to pursue her, just the two of you one-on-one when you can, and bringing the three of you together whenever life lends itself to doing so. Lots of attention, communication, and affection in all directions is the key, and if jealousy starts to appear, then overcome it by allowing the opposite of what it is suggesting. True companionship comes from allowing others their needs without holding them back. Encourage their feelings, and let them know you want to feel it too, first hand, all together, both seperately, and as a group, each in its own way.
Click to expand...

My impression was she and he are dating the woman mutually. Perhaps it would help if she stopped thinking of the woman as "his" girlfriend, that she intrudes on, and instead just builds a mutually satisfactory relationship in which all just naturally move forward together.
 
It's hard to say how much she understands the limit on her sleeping with her boyfriend alone.

Have you discussed your feelings with her?
Have you asked her what she feels?
Does she have one-on-one sex with you? If not, then it's likely she is craving the intimacy of one-on-one sex.

I 'm guessing you and your husband still have sex without her. Threesomes are great, but not for every time, if you know what I mean. That sense of connection can get lost with three in the mix.

What, exactly, do you think will happen if they have penetrative intercourse alone? What runs in your head when you picture that? Do you think he will suddenly decide to leave you because of it?

Give yourself a deadline. Send them out on a date together. Let it happen.

At two months, it's time to take a deep breath and start building individual relationships. Each set of two needs to work independently. A triad without strong individual dyads is going nowhere.
 
Here is something that helped me when (my husband) Maca had a girlfriend: I first tried to think of what I would want if I were the girlfriend. But that didn't help. So instead I worked on holding myself accountable to whatever limitations I expected her to adhere to. That really got me moving on being more equitable, quite quickly, actually (like a matter of hours and days).

It seemed to be a very valuable tool to realistically experiencing being in their shoes somewhat, when you hold yourself accountable to what you are asking them for.

So, for example: no intercourse for them, then no intercourse for you and husband either.

From Maca's side, he chose to tell my bf and me that we had the go-ahead to our sexual activity, with the understanding that he didn't need updates about when/how/where/what. We agreed that GG and I were in a fully sexual and romantic relationship. Full stop. I don't tell him "We did this today." It's not a secret that we have sex. It's just personal, so we don't share it.
 
The cool thing about this love style is that there is no rule book or manual, so everyone gets to make up their own rules. Whatever works best for them.

Things have tended to shift a good bit for me. I entered this lifestyle as part of a couple. We desired "our third" because it is such a powerful desire for most men (as mentioned before), and seemed like the perfect/ideal situation for the bisexual woman in a relationship with a man, to have a woman for both of us to love! Well, that hasn't happened.

Because I desire a triad, and it's obvious that my options are much better if I identify as single seeking a couple, I have changed how I identify myself. My options increased immediately. But I quicky realized that these triad relationships take time. I realized that there was no way I could have devoted my attention to just one couple.

Some of that might be age. When I was younger, I felt like time was no object, but now that I am older, I approach things differently. And now I am dating two couples regularly, as well as my primary male partner and my secondary male partner!
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top