Infinity
New member
Well done to you!! First break-up is never easy, whichever side you're on. But well done, well done, well done. Remember to stick to it.
Freedom and fun awaits!
Give yourself time to mourn the loss of the relationship first, though.
Also, if you're still living together, work out what sort of boundaries you're happy with between now and September.
OR, if there's a friend / parents / family you can stay with for the next 2 months, I highly recommend moving out NOW. It's good to have space to process a break-up, and re-establish your own boundaries and sense of self outside the relationship. Plus, if you can move out now, you don't have to witness HIM processing and grieving, which might tempt you to stay for his sake. I remember breaking up with my fiance a few years ago, in a foreign country - and thank goodness my brother lived nearby, for me to stay with for a month while I organised moving my stuff out and plane ticket home. If you have a good friend or family who will let you stay for 2 months, pack a bag and go there now, then arrange getting the rest of your stuff when he's out. I know it might *feel* dramatic, but it's really the best way to remove yourself from that living situation if you can. You guys don't need to see each other go through this, and you both need shoulders to cry on that aren't each others', otherwise you can be tempted back in.
Anyway, well-done. That took courage and putting your happiness first, which is SO IMPORTANT to be able to do. If you're not happy, you've got nothing to give anyone else.
You know, something to think about, as (or when) you move forward into new relationships...I'm thinking about it too, because I haven't *had* a poly relationship yet, and I'm figuring out who I will be when I go into one...
What your ex said, about having all these 'life plans' for you guys - yet it sounds like he's never actually sat down with you and talked about them to make sure you both want the same things and are on the same page, working towards them together...
I'm realising that, in monogamous relationships, a lot of things are assumed to be the case, without actually talking about them. Almost as though, the set plan is for the couple to 'A then B then C' together, and you only talk about it IF you are going to deviate from that plan. I've read it called 'the relationship escalator'...like, "first we date for X time, then we move in, then get engaged / get married / have kids, and somewhere around there we merge finances and get a dog and a white picket fence". So your ex was just assuming that traditional progressing of relationship, which is *so* ingrained in our society.
But now, being poly I am realising (and you might be too), that poly is not simply replacing the 'one partner' in that relationship escalator with two or more partners, but essentially following the same plan. I mean, it *can* be, if that's what you want, but it doesn't *have* to be. I guess that's why poly relationships are *so* big on clear, honest communication - because assuming what a relationship means or what its future will look like might end up with people being hurt, or thinking they are doing one thing when their partner thinks they are doing something completely different.
It's really interesting, being opened up to this big, wide world of what all these relationship configurations can look like. It's especially exciting, given that poly is in its infancy in terms of being known and talked about in our Western culture (I know its not in its infancy 'world wide', it's been around since forever, but the language for it and exploration of it, and connection with community online etc is in its beginning stages for us, here in the Western, first world).
I'm reading Ethical Slut at the moment (get yourself a copy if you don't have one!) and last night I read that a two-hour sexual relationship can be just as deep and just as meaningful as one that lasts 50 years. It really made me look at the idea of 'relationship' in a new light. Why *do* I assume that a relationship that's longer lasting is automatically more 'valuable'? Why *do* you assume that because this relationship with this man ended (or, could transition to friendship), that something went wrong? It had just served its purpose, for who you both were. Now you're both someone different and you'll have different kinds of relationships with different people (even if some of those people are you and him as friends) than you did before.
It's a lovely, fluid and more natural way of looking at things, I think
Anyway, just some thoughts, shared from one poly 'infant' to another
Freedom and fun awaits!
Give yourself time to mourn the loss of the relationship first, though.
Also, if you're still living together, work out what sort of boundaries you're happy with between now and September.
OR, if there's a friend / parents / family you can stay with for the next 2 months, I highly recommend moving out NOW. It's good to have space to process a break-up, and re-establish your own boundaries and sense of self outside the relationship. Plus, if you can move out now, you don't have to witness HIM processing and grieving, which might tempt you to stay for his sake. I remember breaking up with my fiance a few years ago, in a foreign country - and thank goodness my brother lived nearby, for me to stay with for a month while I organised moving my stuff out and plane ticket home. If you have a good friend or family who will let you stay for 2 months, pack a bag and go there now, then arrange getting the rest of your stuff when he's out. I know it might *feel* dramatic, but it's really the best way to remove yourself from that living situation if you can. You guys don't need to see each other go through this, and you both need shoulders to cry on that aren't each others', otherwise you can be tempted back in.
Anyway, well-done. That took courage and putting your happiness first, which is SO IMPORTANT to be able to do. If you're not happy, you've got nothing to give anyone else.
You know, something to think about, as (or when) you move forward into new relationships...I'm thinking about it too, because I haven't *had* a poly relationship yet, and I'm figuring out who I will be when I go into one...
What your ex said, about having all these 'life plans' for you guys - yet it sounds like he's never actually sat down with you and talked about them to make sure you both want the same things and are on the same page, working towards them together...
I'm realising that, in monogamous relationships, a lot of things are assumed to be the case, without actually talking about them. Almost as though, the set plan is for the couple to 'A then B then C' together, and you only talk about it IF you are going to deviate from that plan. I've read it called 'the relationship escalator'...like, "first we date for X time, then we move in, then get engaged / get married / have kids, and somewhere around there we merge finances and get a dog and a white picket fence". So your ex was just assuming that traditional progressing of relationship, which is *so* ingrained in our society.
But now, being poly I am realising (and you might be too), that poly is not simply replacing the 'one partner' in that relationship escalator with two or more partners, but essentially following the same plan. I mean, it *can* be, if that's what you want, but it doesn't *have* to be. I guess that's why poly relationships are *so* big on clear, honest communication - because assuming what a relationship means or what its future will look like might end up with people being hurt, or thinking they are doing one thing when their partner thinks they are doing something completely different.
It's really interesting, being opened up to this big, wide world of what all these relationship configurations can look like. It's especially exciting, given that poly is in its infancy in terms of being known and talked about in our Western culture (I know its not in its infancy 'world wide', it's been around since forever, but the language for it and exploration of it, and connection with community online etc is in its beginning stages for us, here in the Western, first world).
I'm reading Ethical Slut at the moment (get yourself a copy if you don't have one!) and last night I read that a two-hour sexual relationship can be just as deep and just as meaningful as one that lasts 50 years. It really made me look at the idea of 'relationship' in a new light. Why *do* I assume that a relationship that's longer lasting is automatically more 'valuable'? Why *do* you assume that because this relationship with this man ended (or, could transition to friendship), that something went wrong? It had just served its purpose, for who you both were. Now you're both someone different and you'll have different kinds of relationships with different people (even if some of those people are you and him as friends) than you did before.
It's a lovely, fluid and more natural way of looking at things, I think
Anyway, just some thoughts, shared from one poly 'infant' to another
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