Setting up dates for your partner

[redpepper]

One of the things I'm learning is that bad feelings can't be managed with rules because feelings are not often rational.

this is my thought on it all. If there is love involved rather than friendship that could involve sex then I am unclear how that can be contained. I would wonder if you love the possibilities you have in your life freeantigone. Not to say you don't, but it makes me wonder if you do if you can control your heart in such way.

In my experience, when I met Mono, I was absolutely blown away! There was no turning back, all systems said go. If I had to wait until PN caught up, I would still be waiting two years later! I would of felt that we were just avoiding love rather than embracing it. All of us!

It's a Noble idea and worth exploring for sure. It sounds very respectful to go at the pace of the one struggling the most in this way, but eventually I would wonder if it would cause resentment and strain when there comes a time that love is avoided.

 

[Ceoli]

The reason is that we can see how this feels (being with other people) simultaneously. We have negotiated this between us and are happy with it. You know, like consenting grown-ups

But what is the reason you need to see how this feels simultaneously? I'm not asking this to question your right to make such a decision (if everyone's happy, that's fantastic), but rather to open up a discussion of issues that can arise around such practices.

It might seem odd to you guys but we're doing this our way, and this is how we feel comfortable.

Actually, I think the point is that it isn't very odd. In my experience, what you're describing happens pretty often with couples who are starting out opening up their relationship. And generally, it tends to unfold in similar ways. They set out such policies in order to minimize the issues that can arise and make everyone comfortable. Then they discover that such polices don't really deal with the stuff that needs dealing with and is making people uncomfortable when opening up a relationship. Then they set aside the policies in favor of actually dealing with what needs dealing with and tend to feel more able to move forward with additional awesome loving relationships.

 

[Derbylicious]

Since most couples do move through this maybe we should all just back off a bit and let them get to a place where they are comfortable opening up as independent parties rather than as a couple. It took my husband and I years to get to the place where we are now and no amount of anyone else telling us how things should be and how we should approach things was going to change how WE had to do it for ourselves. Freeantigone, move through this process however you and your husband feel fit. There is no right way to do poly. What you're hearing from everyone here is their experiences in how they discovered that the rules laid out originally didn't work for them. As long as you're willing to talk and the rules are not set in stone forever and ever go for whatever is going to work for everyone.

As for setting your partner up I wouldn't do it behind their backs but I have been known to encourage further conversations between my husband and people who I see him connecting with. Some days he's not the brightest light on the tree and can't see that someone is interested in him (I'm so going to be in the puppy house for that comment!). Talk to your husband and to the woman who you think would make a good match and see that everyone is on board, then go ahead and suggest that they meet for coffee!

-Derby

 

[Ceoli]

Since most couples do move through this maybe we should all just back off a bit and let them get to a place where they are comfortable opening up as independent parties rather than as a couple. It took my husband and I years to get to the place where we are now and no amount of anyone else telling us how things should be and how we should approach things was going to change how WE had to do it for ourselves. Freeantigone, move through this process however you and your husband feel fit. There is no right way to do poly. What you're hearing from everyone here is their experiences in how they discovered that the rules laid out originally didn't work for them. As long as you're willing to talk and the rules are not set in stone forever and ever go for whatever is going to work for everyone.

Nobody is telling them how they should or shouldn't do anything. Nobody is telling them one way is more right than another. However, since people (and couples) don't exist or date in vacuums, it seems to make sense to open up discussions around why and how any of us choose our ways of dating and making relationships with others. And I've never known a situation where listening to the experiences of others was a bad thing when making one's own explorations.

 

[NeonKaos]

I haven't seen anyone "attacking" anyone else or giving the appearance of doing so. There was a little thingy early on where the OP and LR had a few words about whether or not LR sounded "preachy", but we've moved past that.

I think Derbylicious and Ceoli both need a teensy little bit of "time out", so I'm invoking forum custody, and asking you both to please wait for others to post some things in this thread before resuming your activity in it.

You have both made your position(s) on this topic posts very clear in your post(s). Thank you for that.

 

[redpepper]

Since most couples do move through this maybe we should all just back off a bit and let them get to a place where they are comfortable opening up as independent parties rather than as a couple. It took my husband and I years to get to the place where we are now and no amount of anyone else telling us how things should be and how we should approach things was going to change how WE had to do it for ourselves. Freeantigone, move through this process however you and your husband feel fit. There is no right way to do poly. What you're hearing from everyone here is their experiences in how they discovered that the rules laid out originally didn't work for them. As long as you're willing to talk and the rules are not set in stone forever and ever go for whatever is going to work for everyone.

I totally can see your point Derby. I am speaking from my own experience and I am not trying to be critical. I totally fucked up the beginning of my poly life and lost my wife due to my rush for success. That was about 13 years ago! I admire anyone who has any kind of plan and wants to pace themselves in whatever way they think will work for them. As long as you are up front and honest and do things with the notion that things are fluid and changeable then really, why not!

As I said, I don't necessarily think that it won't work to wait until a partner has someone of their own... I just think it might be tricky. I know how I was with my NRE... geesh, having it at the same time as PN. We'd be done! HA! we both get lost in love... quite a few people do. We would never see each other!

As it is I think we lost the OP...

 

[NeonKaos]

As it is I think we lost the OP...

Maybe this was one of those things.

 

[freeantigone]

Not lost, just avoiding the thread as I was feeling judged and picked on.

Since most couples do move through this maybe we should all just back off a bit and let them get to a place where they are comfortable opening up as independent parties rather than as a couple. It took my husband and I years to get to the place where we are now and no amount of anyone else telling us how things should be and how we should approach things was going to change how WE had to do it for ourselves. Freeantigone, move through this process however you and your husband feel fit. There is no right way to do poly. What you're hearing from everyone here is their experiences in how they discovered that the rules laid out originally didn't work for them. As long as you're willing to talk and the rules are not set in stone forever and ever go for whatever is going to work for everyone.

As for setting your partner up I wouldn't do it behind their backs but I have been known to encourage further conversations between my husband and people who I see him connecting with. Some days he's not the brightest light on the tree and can't see that someone is interested in him (I'm so going to be in the puppy house for that comment!). Talk to your husband and to the woman who you think would make a good match and see that everyone is on board, then go ahead and suggest that they meet for coffee!

Thanks for this Derby