Sex drive & poly

[rubidoux]

My drive has varied hugely over time, which I think is mostly due to circumstances for me. The only time I've ever felt like it was a physical thing was when I was pregnant the first time and completely insatiable. i kinda looked forward to that for my second pregnancy but it never happened.

 

[Norwegianpoly]

I've seen the 2 - 3 times a week thing being average loads too, Norwegianpoly. It's something that I think causes lots of anxiety. People who like loads more sex than that then sometimes beat themselves up about being overly sexual or have counsellors who tell them they are addicts.

People who like loads less sex can be similarly down because they also are told there is something wrong with them - repressed or lacking in testosterone or something.

The thing is that with average numbers, it's perfectly possible that nobody at all has sex 2 - 3 times per week. For instance, if I asked 100 people how often they have sex and 5 of them said 21 times a week, 5 said 14 times a week, 10 said 7 times a week, 20 said once a week, 30 said once every 4 weeks, 20 said once a week and 10 said that they never have sex, the average of that survey would be 2.72 times a week which then might lead me to report that people have sex 2 - 3 times a week on average.

That is true but not a single person gave 2 or 3 times a week as an answer. In fact, in my survey there are as many people never having sex as there are having sex 2 or 3 times a day.

To my mind it's more sensible to concentrate on the people I want to related to as individuals. If I like sex twice a day then it might be hard for me to be in a monogamous relationship with somebody who likes sex once a year. Similarly, if I don't every want to have sex, I'd probably be unhappy with a partner who wanted me to have sex once a month even if it was a poly relationship and they had other partners to use up most of their once a week sex drive.

I hate to see people being pathologised simply on the basis of their desire for sex - especially as it can and does change even within the same individual over time.

IP

Ah, but that is because people misunderstand and think just because something is average it means we all should do it, which is not at all implied in the average! It has been used that way...because even some therapists don't know what statistics mean

Sexual addiction does not mean you want sex a lot, but that you use sex as a substitute for emotional solutions, kind of like other people may use food or alcohold or drugs or obsessively tidying in their china collection. There is something to be said for a low sex drive being pahtological, because depression or stress can surpress sex drive, so especially if you had a high sex drive in the past and no longer have it, this may be worth looking into. But if you otherwise feel perfectly fine, having a low sex drive or no sex drive at all should not be a problem.

 

[kdt26417]

Re (from Norwegianpoly):

"Many statistics show that people in relationships on average have sex about 2-3 days a week, with some differences related to age, geography etc."

Interesting ...

Re (from InfinitePossibility):

"People who like loads more sex than that then sometimes beat themselves up about being overly sexual or have counselors who tell them they are addicts."

Good grief. "You're not having the average amount of sex. There's something wrong with you."

Re:

"The thing is that with average numbers, it's perfectly possible that nobody at all has sex 2-3 times per week."

In which case I guess there's something wrong with everyone, right?

 

[swirlingnurse]

This is a good topic. I think what is so cool is that just like any group of people who share some common belief systems, there are differences as you all have showed in sexuality amongst those who believe in polyamory.

My sexuality is VERY important to me. I love being able to act on it and express it without inhibition. Even before I became polyamorous, I found out that having more than one partner to have sex with was so much better than just settling for sex with one person.

I was in a traditional marriage when my ex-husband allowed me to fulfill a fantasy and have sex with young black men, whom I found very attractive for years. I haven't been the same since that first night when I had sex with my ex and a couple of black guys. It was my sexual "gold mine" and there was no going back.

Eventually, my marriage to my husband ended. Although it was difficult, getting divorced from him made it possible for me to live the life I have now. My good girlfriend and I became lovers and we have developed and together we are so thrilled that we have our young guys to have sex with who want it just as bad as we do. I will want a break from sex a couple of days a month, but because of my insatiable nature, I go back to wanting it real quick!

Becoming polyamorous was just a natural evolution from sharing my body and bed with the same people over and over again. Becoming emotionally and mentally involved has only made the sex even more meaningful. Our quad has its ups and downs and we have our drama but I consider myself on fortunate woman!