Sex in longterm poly relationships: does it come back?

[entelechia]

Hello all!

Thanks so much for the advice y'all gave me over a year ago about my lover Erin.

Since I last posted, she and I have worked hard at our relationship and are now in a stable, deeply loving partnership that we hope will be lifelong. We've stopped fighting, but we've also stopped having passionate sex. We still cuddle, share sensual affection, and occasionally get each other off, but it's far more friendly and far less vulnerable/raunchy/intimate/passionate than the first three years of our romance.

This shifted last year when she was going through a hard time with another partner,* and I was having some life crises of my own. Erin told me she was too shut down to feel at all sexual, and though I was sad about it we focused on sharing love all kinds of other ways. Now that we're coming out of hard times, the passion hasn't returned. Plus, Erin just started dating a new lover (out of town, like I once was) with whom she's having a fulfilling sexual connection--so I know her sex drive is back, but no longer directed at me.

We've talked about this and she can't explain why her attraction to me has changed, or if it will come back. She's distraught that she's causing me pain, and wishes she could change it. But she also says that even though our sex life was spectacular, she'd much rather have the happy, calm, loving connection we're in now than a passionate one where we fight all the time. I tell her I think we can have a stable connection AND passionate sex, if we try. I don't think she's convinced.

I know sexual passion comes and goes in long relationships, and I'm mostly thrilled that we've worked through our problems and feel so safe and happy together. But dear goddess, do I miss sex with her.

*(for those of you who read my last posts, Erin's now ex-partner Becca had cancer. Becca is now in remission and doing better, and she and Erin are still very close.)

So I have two questions, if you've made it this far!

1. Should I hold out hope that our sex vibe might come back? Or should I settle in for being mostly-platonic life partners with someone I love dearly and desire greatly, and teach myself to desire her less?

2. I know I need to look for another lover. It's been awhile, and Erin has raised my standards for the kind of love and sex I want. I've also had chronic health problems that make it hard to get out in the world and flirt, or to feel sexy in my body. After being with one person who knows me so well for so long, I've forgotten how to flirt and date new people. Any advice on where to start?

 

[sdguitarguy]

I've forgotten how to flirt and date new people. Any advice on where to start?

For me, I would avoid online dating but rather go to Meetups about things that you are interested in (any hobbies? But also include poly, sex-positive stuff, tantra etc). Just get used to going out and meeting people again with no expectation about sex or "looking for sex". Just go and have a good time! So much less pressure than a date with someone you've never met before!

 

[Magdlyn]

I was married to a man for 30+ years. We weren't practicing poly for the first 20 years. Then we got our toes wet in poly, did badly at it, closed back up, finally divorced.

Anyway, our sex life definitely waxed and waned! For any number of reasons. There were periods where we'd have sex once every 6 weeks. But time and again, our fire returned as we entered new phases of our lives.

Presently I am in a 7 year relationship with a woman (who is 22 years younger than me). Her sex drive is lower than mine due to repressions she experienced as a young person. At times it has been extremely frustrating to me. Especially on occasions when she'd be flirting with some guy online, smiling and aroused, when she'd been avoiding sex with me for a week or two.

But that was mostly in the first couple years. Every year, her sex drive, and our sex life, has improved.

I dealt with our mismatch by sharing my feelings of love and desire for her, but owning that was my thing. I didn't blame or try to guilt her. However, my libido has been a driving force in me seeking other partners. It isn't perfect, as I desire HER, and so fucking someone else doesn't exactly fulfill what I want with her. But it does work to let some steam out of the pressure cooker, giving me some release and relaxation, which gives me more patience, as her feelings around sex continue to evolve.

I have had relationships with men all along my path with miss pixi. Sometimes NRE does cause me to feel a bit obsessed with New Guy, and I will find myself fantasizing about him more often than I do with miss pixi. It never got to the extreme you are describing.

I don't know what to tell you other than to keep lines of loving communication open. Be patient but don't give in and/or give up. Life has a way of changing...

 

[Magdlyn]

More thoughts: in my case, I used to tell miss pixi I refused to be a statistic in the "lesbian bed death" realm. I just refuse to settle for a "friendly" intimate relationship. If we aren't fucking, we aren't lovers, we are friends. I don't need a friend, I need a lover who wants to have sex!

As far as finding a new partner, get in shape! Getting fitter and feeling sexy, in yourself, for yourself, builds your confidence that others can and will desire you. If you feel like a schlub, you'll come across as one to others. If you join OK Cupid, write an excellent profile, answer at least 50 questions (100 would be better, and make sure to indicate you are in an open relationship), and take some really good, happy smiling selfies, or get someone to take some of you. Face shots and at least one full body, clothed, shot.

 

[sdguitarguy]

1. Should I hold out hope that our sex vibe might come back? Or should I settle in for being mostly-platonic life partners with someone I love dearly and desire greatly, and teach myself to desire her less?

Should you hold out hope? No, not if you mean "should I hold my nose and hope this situation gets better on its own magically". The big advantage of poly is that you don't have to get all your needs met by one person.

To me, there are two different questions 1) Can I get this need met with someone else? And 2) for now, am I getting enough needs met to continue a relationship with this person (and be happy and not resentful).

There is a third 3) Is there anything the two of you can do to rekindle that vibe? but I kind of assumed from your post that that is not an option at this point.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi entelechia,

I think it is unknown whether you and Erin will regain that very passionate sex that you used to have, and I think it's hard to force such things. Mostly I recommend being present in the here and now, and enjoying and appreciating whatever you currently have. Although there is one thought, you could go and see a sex therapist.

As for getting back in the dating game, there's two basic approaches; one is online dating (e.g. OKC), the other is just getting out there and socializing (e.g. a club that does something you're interested in, and/or a local poly group). I kind of think you could try both approaches.

Anyway those are a few of my thoughts.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.