Sex in LT Poly relationships

[lolalondon]

Hi! I have a question about managing sexual expression with primaries in long-term relationships. In a way, this follows on from Nathan's interesting post about being a primary's sexual secondary.

I've been with my bf Bram for over 2 years. We've been open from the start, but taking a more polyamorous direction recently. He's always been poly at heart. I'm more of a swinger. It took me time to feel settled and secure enough to be comfortable with him having emotional connections with others.

As for me, I just need sexual freedom. I love variety and being promiscuous. (I always play safe, of course.) I am not interested in managing several committed relationships. We've been very honest with each other and have managed to accept and understand our differences. I never doubt how much Bram cares for me. We are extremely close.

We're both equally into having many sexual partners and experimenting. When we met, there was insane NRE and we would have sex 4 times a day, often extremely kinky BDSM. (We both switch). I’d be covered in marks. Over the years, we still have a lot of sex (usually every time we see each other, so about 4 times a week). But the intensity and BDSM side of things have lessened. I know a lot of it is to do with the way relationships often get more cuddly when you're closer and more comfortable with each other, and also any tensions we've had caused the kink to take a back seat.

But still... I have been pursuing other doms over the time we've been together, and now I feel like I mostly have to go outside the relationship to have this need met. And now Bram has started seeing a girl who's a sub. We do communicate, he does dominate me, so it's not like it never happens. But there's a part of me that's a bit sad we're going outside the relationship to do the kind of kink we used to do together all the time. He’s still happy with the way I domme him, and hasn’t yet looked for anyone else to do this with, although I actually don’t mind if he does.

We don’t have any “problems," really, but I guess I'm interested in the ways people’s sex life in LT polyships work out:

• If you’re kinky, have you found that kink levels decrease as you get closer/cuddly/more emotionally intimate? Or is it more of a “wax and wane” over the course of time?
• Is it often the case that when you meet new sexual partners you direct more extreme sexual behaviour towards them, and away from the primary relationship?
• Does NRE with others generally lead to less sex between primaries?
• If you’re into BDSM play, do you have any restrictions on BDSM with others, or does everything go?
• If you’re into D/s play, how do you manage this with having an extremely equal relationship in all other ways? Sometimes it’s hard for either of us to let the other take control, because we’re so equal in all other arenas, and both extremely independent people. It’s almost like it’s easier with someone you’re not in such a close partnership with. I’m wondering if others can relate.
• Do you get jealous if your primary does something sexually with another partner, something you crave that hasn’t happened in a while? Do you talk about it? How do you do this without them feeling you’re pressuring them into a certain sex act? Or do you just tell yourself it's none of your business, because every relationship is different, and you’re glad he’s having fun?

 

[GalaGirl]

If you’re kinky, have you found that kink levels decrease as you get closer/cuddly/more emotionally intimate? Or is it more of a “wax and wane” over the course of time?

It waxes and wanes. I do not engage in edge play when I am:

• sick
• tired
• upset in some fashion
• too happy/giddy/hyper
• time limits (do not want to rush a scene)
• too recent since last major scene (The top or bottom "natural high" and endorphins and things need time to clear the body. Kinking on a high is no good for me.)

Any of those can lead to mistakes, and mistakes in kink can be a disaster.

But non-kinky sex also functions on a "wax and wane" thing, long term. Stuff happens-- work, kids, caring for aging parents, bills... Making time for sex/kink to happen is always a balancing act, regardless of the type it is.

Is it often the case that when you meet new sexual partners, you direct more extreme sexual behaviour towards them, and away from the primary relationship?

You are on a NRE high with a new person, so... yeah. You will be tempted to go at it like bunnies because you want to keep getting the feel-good hits. It's a hormone brain cascade.

But "extreme" sexual behaviour? Does that mean kink stuff? Not for me, no. Some things are earned in time. I do not start there.

To want to get a double hit -- NRE high + kink high -- with a new person seems to me like dangerous drunk driving. Whether bottom or top, that's a lot of hormone cascade. If I'm the top, I could get into top space and make mistakes, because I do not know my bottom well enough to "read" them right. If I'm the bottom, I could get to the "no words" point, and not even be able to safeword out, and my new top might not know me well enough to know my tells.

It requires scene negotiation, and ramp-up time in scene intensity to MINIMIZE that temptation to drive drunk, and MAXIMIZE knowing each other well enough to play safe. I just can't see me jumping in feet first with a new kink playmate to the most extreme edges of where I kink play. There's not enough trust built yet for that.

I like to bring someone, a friend, or do phone check-ins/check-outs at the start and end of a scene, so someone else knows where I am with a new kink partner, too.

Say the kink is bondage. All right. Start with honor bondage. PRETEND you are tied up. Do not move. Next time? A simple quick release on the hands, or perhaps just one hand. Then increase from there. No way I'd allow legs. I want to be able to walk/run/kick if I have to.

I just can't see me leaping into the deeper end of the bondage pool, all alone, with predicament or suspension bondage, or things on that end, with some new person whose skills I do not know. That's not a risk I want to take.

Does NRE with others generally lead to less sex between primaries?

It depends on how the person is managing their NRE time, and balancing their "established relationship intimacy" (ERI).

If you’re into BDSM play, do you have any restrictions on BDSM with others, or does everything go?

Things are earned in time, dude. I'm not opening myself up all the way to some barely-known stranger.

There are ethics in BDSM to do it well, just like there are ethics in polyamory. Not everyone in BDSM or polyamory communities are there flying under honest flag colors. That's the reality.

If you’re into D/s play, how do you manage this with having an extremely equal relationship in all other ways?

In a D/s scene you agree to your parameters. Within this arena, you can boss me about, or I'll boss you about.

it’s almost like it’s easier with someone you’re not in such a close partnership with. I’m wondering if others can relate.

Red flag to me. I can only let go of control, with complete trust with a person I know extremely well, because I know they will keep it in the arena negotiated before the scene. For me, that is my husband and no other. Some things are earned. I'm not playing D/s scenes with an unknown variable. No fuckin' way. You can safeword out only if the Dom will respect that limit and you trust them to do it. What happens if they don't? Ack!

Do you get jealous if your primary does something sexually that you crave, that hasn't happened in a while, with another partner? Do you talk about it? How do you do this without them feeling you’re pressuring them into a certain sex act? Or do you just tell yourself it's none of your business, because every relationship is different, and you’re glad he’s having fun?

If I have a want, need, or limit, In my universe it is my responsibility to report it. I cannot expect my partner to read my mind.

If the agreement with a partner is that there is no TMI wall up, and we may share intimate details of what's going on with other partners, and I hear about something that I want some of, I will say "Aw... me too! Can I get that sometime? That sounds fun!" We can negotiate that.

 

[Anneintherain]

If you’re kinky, have you found that kink levels decrease as you get closer/cuddly/more emotionally intimate? Or is it more of a “wax and wane” over the course of time?
For me, it waxes and wanes, depending on what's going on in life.

Is it often the case that when you meet new sexual partners you direct more extreme sexual behaviour towards them, and away from the primary relationship?
If I stopped directing energy to an existing partner to focus it on a new partner, it's more likely that I don't have the emotional or physical energy to juggle both. If that were the case, I'd ask existing partners if it was going to negatively affect them to have LESS of the activity from me (be that kink, a dance partner, or never going to Thai restaurants with me anymore, because I was always having Thai food with my new partner), and make decisions about what to do if the answer was yes.

Does NRE with others generally lead to less sex between primaries?
Having sex at all makes me want to have more sex, so it just makes me want to have sex with my husband every day.

If you’re into BDSM play, do you have any restrictions on BDSM with others, or does everything go?
There are things on my BDSM list I would like to do that my husband that is not comfortable with. Therefore, they are off the table because his comfort exceeds my desire to have those things in my life. Some of these things can be negotiated when somebody has been around long enough that my husband trusts that person to be safe with me, but a couple things seem non-negotiable.

If you’re into D/s play, how do you manage this with having an extremely equal relationship in all other ways? Sometimes it’s hard for either of us to let the other take control because we’re so equal in all other arenas, and both extremely independent people… it’s almost like it’s easier with someone you’re not in such a close partnership with.
Not the case in my marriage, but I'm sure it is harder work to transition from equals to D/s if you switch, instead of having a clear usual role. I'd probably ask on Fetlife to get a good range of answers about what techniques people use to negotiate that situation for themselves.

Do you get jealous if your primary does something sexually with another partner [that you want]...? How do you talk about this without them feeling you’re pressuring them into a certain sex act? Or do you just tell yourself it's none of your business, every relationship is different, you’re glad they are having fun?
I may get pissed off if my husband did something with another person that he had NEVER done with me, if I'd repeatedly asked him to, especially without talking to me first, either sexual or nonsexual stuff. I would get envious if he stopped doing something with me and was doing it with somebody else instead, and not "in addition to." If it were kink-related, well, in my case, I'd be very sad that he'd finally found some interest in it, as it's unlikely he would start viewing me in that light after 8 years, so I wouldn't benefit.

I do think, in general, it's not my business what he does, as long as our agreements are being kept. However, it is not my nature to want something and not keep asking for it until I get a satisfactory answer about why I can't have it. A satisfactory answer is "I just don't feel interested in doing that with you anymore. I'll let you know if that changes." So I'd probably bring it up every few weeks or so.

Then, after several "not in the mood" responses, I'd feel compelled to sit down and say, "Hey buddy, I'm feeling really envious that you like doing X with them, but don't seem to want to do it with me. I'm trying to figure out if it's because you just don't want to do X with me at all, or if there is something I could do to help you be interested in it." If they weren't interested, then I'd likely ask them to not talk about doing that particular activity with the other person. If it were something done in public at events, well I wouldn't avoid those, but I'd work hard to find equally pleasurable distractions of my own.

 

[lolalondon]

In a D/s scene, you agree to your parameters. Within this arena, you can boss me about, or I'll boss you about.

...

I can only let go of control with complete trust with person I know extremely well, because I know they will keep it in the arena negotiated before the scene. For me, that my husband and no other. Some things are earned. I'm not playing D/s scenes with an unknown variable. You can safeword out only if the dom will respect that limit and you trust them to do it. What happens if they don't? Ack!

Thanks, GalaGirl and Anneintherain. I find your responses really interesting.

I think you're right, Anne, about the switch thing making boundaries more fuzzy. At times, both of us want to be dominated, but it might be hard to let go, because we have so many other roles with each other. I know I can “top from the bottom” at times and be overly clear about the things I want done to me, because apart from being a sub I’m actually naturally assertive… Something I need to work on, I guess. I will definitely check out Fetlife.

GG, I just wanted to clarify that I'm only referring to established/safe playmates, not some new random guy with handcuffs! But when I say "Someone I'm not in such a close partnership with" I mean a playmate (can be long term) who isn't a boyfriend. Someone who hasn't nursed me when I'm sick, argued about stuff with me, held my hand through emotional meltdowns, visited my parents with me, does all the day-to-day relationship stuff with me. Someone who perhaps knows me in a more one-dimensional way, sexually, but might know the sexual me very well. There isn't established relationship cuddly-comfort with him. I hope that makes more sense. I agree it’s very important to play safe.

 

[rory]

I don't subscribe to hierarchy, but I'll switch the term primary for an established relationship, and secondary for a newer relationship in my answer, for convenience, since I feel that's what you're getting at.

If you’re kinky, have you found that kink levels decrease as you get closer/cuddly/more emotionally intimate? Or is it more of a “wax and wane” over the course of time?

Neither. For me, it seems to take some time in a relationship to find the type of kink that works in the dynamic and with the specific person. Thus, so far, I've found that my sex life with a partner includes more kink with time and the closer we get.

Is it often the case that when you meet new sexual partners you direct more extreme sexual behaviour towards them and away from the established relationship?

No way. Haha!

Does NRE with others generally lead to less sex between established partners?

From what I've read here, it tends to vary a lot. Some people have a hard time focusing on anything but the new person, and in that case it is probably a risk if work isn't done to prevent that. For others (such as me), it's the other way around, and NRE for somebody also increases my libido in general.

If you’re into BDSM play, do you have any restrictions on BDSM with others, or does everything go?

Anything the people involved feel like doing is fine.

Do you get jealous if your partner does something sexually, that you crave, but which hasn’t happened in a while, with another partner? Do you talk about it? How do you do this without them feeling you’re pressuring them into a certain sex act? Or do you just tell yourself it's none of your business, because every relationship is different, and you’re glad they are having fun?

I have limited experience with this. In my situation, it's been the case that if I haven't been able to get what I've craved, it has been due to circumstances (long-distance) and not differing wants. So, when I've felt jealous (occasionally), it's been helpful to remind myself that the circumstances would be same anyway, even if my partner weren't having sex with somebody else.

I do think I might get jealous if I wanted to do something with my partner they were doing with another, but not me. However, what I would do would depend on the reasons. If they know how important it is to me, but don't feel like putting in the effort, that would tell me something quite negative about their priorities. But if they just don't feel like doing it with me (even after trying), then that is how it is, and I certainly can manage/get over the jealousy, and be satisfied without that aspect (unless I can't, in which case there's a problem regardless of my partner's sex life with others).

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm only referring to established/safe playmates, not some new random guy with handcuffs.

Thanks for clarifying. That gave me the heebie-jeebies initially. Whew! Let me revisit that chunk, then.

If you’re into D/S play, how do you manage this with having an extremely equal relationship in all other ways? Sometimes it’s hard for either of us to let the other take control because we’re so equal in all other arenas, and both extremely independent people… it’s almost like it’s easier with someone you’re not in such a close partnership with.

.
My answer is still basically the same. As a top, bottom or switch, I think it boils down to good negotiation of the scene beforehand, to define the play arena, and trust in the partner and the partner's skills, as to how easily you can let yourself go with them.

We both switch. We are also independent. Again, some things are earned. To help set the mood and role for the scene firmly in place, to help build trust, you could put on of collar, or some other "ritual" you do with each other.

Rather than only a safeword you can go with colors.

• Green = all good.
• Yellow = use caution
• Orange = something in between yellow and red, approaching red limit
• Red = this feels ugh, do something else
• Black = Mayday! Game totally over!

There's nothing wrong with topping from the bottom if you are learning each other's styles still and need a little nudge to get the scene to move a bit. Or maybe you just LIKE topping from the bottom!

You can negotiate how to express those things without it taking away from the scene's mood or vibe. Look up The New Topping Book or The New Bottoming Book for ideas, or visit FetLife and other resources online.

If you view topping from the bottom as "bad form" (which I do not think it is) or view it like "not good enough at topping and my bottom has to tell me"... That's not so much about the scene as your communication skills, your "think on the spot" skills, and/or your esteem/confidence stuff in yourself or the other. Either before the scene, in negotiation, or during the scene, or during aftercare, your confidence in your own skills or that of your partner can influence your ability to let go with them.

All of these can be learned and honed in time served. It's not going to progress if you don't practice your skills together. Things get earned in time because you keep moving the bar in tiny increments. The skills grow; the trust grows.

How ARE your aftercare skills for each other? Are they weak? Are those holding you back from full-on trust with your partner, if you are in subspace? Or are you worried about yourself in top space?

I had a hard time with this with DH initially. He had a hard time with this with me, because I can seem like I am here, but I really am not. I can talk and answer questions, and have no recollection. I can also go to the no-speech place.

He goes to a no-feedback zone. Everything is, "I'm fine, I'm okay," and I cannot tell if that is true, or some kind of mantra. So we had to take the time to ID and learn the other "tells," and not rely only on verbal cues.

Also, when topping, had to learn to ride his own leash in top space and start winding the scene down when he was at limit, whether I, as the bottom, was ready or not, because a bad judgement call from the Top could be BAAAAD. Besides... it's the Top saying the game over. Deal with it, Bottom! Ha.

He had to learn to trust that I could ride my top space leash well enough to protect both of us from mistakes. He also had to learn to respect my top space limit and not egg me on further. I had to learn same about him. There came the evolution of the "1 snooze tag rule" -- past that, nope. Which led to the habit of the Top pulling back one step before pulling back was really needed. So if the bottom wants the 1 snooze tag, you have the space to grant it safely. Or deny it. Haha.

Again, it takes time to be able to cut totally loose and let go and develop your banter/style together. There's nothing wrong with it taking time.

 

[LovingRadiance]

If you’re kinky, have you found that kink levels decrease as you get closer/cuddly/more emotionally intimate? Or is it more of a “wax and wane” over the course of time?

It definitely waxes and wanes. There are times when we're very cuddly and others we're totally kinky. Then there are in-between times. It has a lot to do with what is going on in our lives with work, house guests, kids, school, etc. But it never goes away. It has an ebb and flow. (The same goes non-kinky sex, actually.)

Is it often the case that when you meet new sexual partners you direct more extreme sexual behaviour towards them and away from the primary relationship?

Not for me. When I am sexually interested in someone else, I tend to be MORE sexual with my partners. If I am actually sexually involved with someone else, I'm DEFINITELY more sexual with my dh and bf. It's like getting it on somewhere else puts me in heat for them.

Does NRE with others generally lead to less sex between primaries?

I don't handle NRE the way most people I know handle it. My autopilot reaction to NRE (of my own) is to pull away from the entity that is "new and fascinating." I don't allow myself to jump into a sexual or romantic relationship with someone unless NRE has fully abated. So this is moot for me.

If you’re into BDSM play, do you have any restrictions on BDSM with others, or does everything go?

Yes, for us there are restrictions. Some things are ours alone. There is the option to renegotiate every 3 months, but thus far we retain certain things between us.

If you’re into D/S play, how do you manage this with having an extremely equal relationship in all other ways? Sometimes it’s hard for either of us to let the other take control because we’re so equal in all other arenas, and both extremely independent people… it’s almost like it’s easier with someone you’re not in such a close partnership with, I’m wondering if others can relate.

We have specified D/s dynamics. So, there are specific things that don't change. For example, on which side of him I walk; he always orders the food if we go out to eat; if he chooses an outfit for me to wear, I wear it, regardless of the plans for the day. These remain the same, no matter where we are, making them subtle reminders of our dynamic, even in circumstances where I may be "in charge," or whatever.

Do you get jealous if your primary does something sexually with another partner you crave? Do you talk about it, and how do you do this without them feeling you’re pressuring them into a certain sex act? Or do you just tell yourself it's none of your business because every relationship is different, and you’re glad they are having fun?

Sexual or not, if there is something I long for in our relationship and am not getting, but someone else is getting it, I get emotional. We definitely talk about it, because it means that there is a need in our relationship that isn't being met. It isn't pertinent, really, that someone else is getting it, but that we need to be getting it, too.

But as a rule of thumb we don't discuss sexual specifics with others. So, more frequently this would be about non-sexual things.

 

[lolalondon]

How ARE your aftercare skills for each other? Are they weak? Are those holding you back on full on trust with your partner if you are in subspace? Or are you worried about yourself in topspace?

It's interesting... we're very good with aftercare, sometimes I love him belting me hard so that he can comfort me after, we've very intimate and tender and intense, it can be beautiful and comforting and exciting all at once.

I think some of my issue is that in two other LTR I had (both mono because of the men involved, never my first choice of relationship model) the sex essentially fizzled out. In the first case it was me who lost interest, in the second case it was him. But perhaps I'm overly cautions in thinking that once something shifts it's the beginning of an inevitable decline. So when the intensity and frequency of BDSM for us decreased I immediately assumed it was the beginning of the end of kink for us, panicked and became demanding, etc. etc.... of course, as soon as I relaxed he started topping happily again, I guess I just made him lose confidence?

It can be hard for me to conceive that what he does with other people has nothing to do with me (e.g. it's his thing, it's not a comment on our relationship) but I'm finally learning, and doing fine. I am also learning to led go of the idea that once something doesn't happen for a while it's somehow gone forever.

It's been really interesting to hear how other people's dynamics play out in this arena. I thought there would be more people directing sexual energy away from the relationship but seems like even after many years people still direct it mostly towards their primaries... though I wonder if that's always the case? I know I do, but don't others get worried about not being shiny new exciting fucktoy any more?

 

[lolalondon]

We have specified D/s dynamics. So, there are specific things that don't change-for example, which side of him I walk, he always orders the food if we go out to eat, if he sets out an outfit he wants me to wear, I wear it-regardless of the plans for the day. Those remain the same NO MATTER where we are. Making them subtle reminders of our dynamic even in circumstances where I may be "in charge" or whatever.

This made me smile because I have a lover who is a dom and when we go out I usually call the shots - I choose the venue and often do the ordering... but as soon as we get home he puts me in my place do other people who know you ever pick up on these reminders when you're out? Or is it very personal to the two of you?

 

[LovingRadiance]

The people closest to us know. People who aren't, generally remain clueless.

There was one interesting dinner, where someone got offended that he ordered for me. I was intrigued and curious how he would handle it-so I kept my mouth shut (but admit to having an eyebrow raised). He basically managed it with telling them that this was OUR relationship and how we choose to manage ordering our food wasn't warranting of their time or attention.

Another time, we had a waitress who was hell bent on getting me to respond. She continuously aimed her questions at me and ignored him. It became necessary for me to tell her that it was my preference for him to place the order. She was royally offended.

A male waiter was bemused. He asked me, I deferred to Dh (with my eyes and a smile). DH ordered, the waiter double checked with me "that works for you?" DH smiled at me and gave me the signal to respond, so I did, telling the waiter with a smile that "yes, yes it does". He nodded and went to put in our order with a smug sort of look. But, he referenced all further questions to my husband the rest of the evening. Very funny.

Mostly though, people don't notice. I also sit on a specified side of him-even if we are in a group of people, and I always sit beside him, not across from him.

I'm not really shy about any of those "viewable" D/s things.
However, we do have an agreement that all bedroom activities remain mine to share or not share about. Meaning-he does not have the privilege of telling other people about anything regarding our D/s behavior that isn't public behavior.

 

[Anneintherain]

don't others get worried about not being shiny new exciting fucktoy any more?

I suppose people are more likely to worry about that if they think sex is what the relationship is about, and forget they have value outside of their desire as a sexual partner. I imagine in a casual relationship, I might worry about that because if that's the reason I'm in that relationship, sure, if the sexual energy disappears, then the relationship probably isn't going to continue.
With a relationship you feel is mostly happy and compatible in all the other aspects - financial, domestic, friendship - it is hopefully easier to not let one thing shifting for a bit make you stress it means the end. Sometimes its hard to keep the big picture in mind, I know I'm guilty of it, but like you see, if you forget it and panic, it throws your partner for a loop too when they see you reacting with fear, and that usually causes more bumps than are warranted.

 

[GalaGirl]

I think some of my issue is that in two other LTR I had the sex essentially fizzled out. In the first case it was me who lost interest, in the second case it was him. But perhaps I'm overly cautions in thinking that once something shifts it's the beginning of an inevitable decline.

I don't use the words "primaries/secondaries."

I wonder if perhaps some of your stuff isn't not just about the ghosts of exes coloring your expectations of current lover...

but that heirarchy model being like a thorn in your side stirring up anxious? Having to compete for attentions or primary positioning?

So when the intensity and frequency of BDSM for us decreased I immediately assumed it was the beginning of the end of kink for us, panicked and became demanding, etc. etc.... of course, as soon as I relaxed he started topping happily again, I guess I just made him lose confidence?

That sounds like you are going thru withdrawal to me.

If your early days were chronic hits of the hormone highs, and then you get to a more calm pattern -- you aren't getting the hits.

You sure this isn't moody from subdrop?

I thought there would be more people directing sexual energy away from the relationship but seems like even after many years people still direct it mostly towards their primaries... though I wonder if that's always the case? I know I do, but don't others get worried about not being shiny new exciting fucktoy any more?

No. Why would I direct away from it?

And if you know YOU direct your energies toward your primary -- why all this worry about what other people are doing? What needs validating or affirming for you? What are you afraid you are missing out on?

No, I don't worry about not being a shiny new toy to him any more. I like being OLD shiny toy better.

There isn't as much "weather reporting" because he knows me and all my tells already. It's a smoother ride, it's a more intense ride, it's a longer ride.

You can get some nice chords and phrases sometimes with a new partner. And learning to make beautiful music together is a fun process of discovery.

But oh, with an old lover? That knows you well? You can run through flawless symphonies! It's another kind of rush.

GG

 

[lolalondon]

^ I hear you, but it's just how it is, we're both very much each other's primaries, we're always looking out for each other, and even if it's a security blanket it seems to work well. The hierarchy thing is not a concern for me because we're both secure with that. I am not naturally poly - more of a swinger at heart, happy to share sexual energy but not interested in more than one committed relationship. I've left it to him to pursue his own rships and I relaxed nearly all the "rules" we had (now that I feel more secure) but he also seems to prefer one main relationship. So, because of spending most of our free time together and being each other's main emotional anchor it just seems to work this way for now. I am aware this could change, letting go of certainty has been a liberating thing for an over-analyser like me!

No, I don't worry about not being a shiny new toy to him any more. I like being OLD shiny toy better.

There isn't as much "weather reporting" because he knows me and all my tells already. It's a smoother ride, it's a more intense ride, it's a longer ride.

You can get some nice chords and phrases sometimes with a new partner. And learning to make beautiful music together is a fun process of discovery.

But oh, with an old lover? That knows you well? You can run through flawless symphonies! It's another kind of rush.

GG

I thought this was beautiful

 

[BrigidsDaughter]

If you’re kinky, have you found that kink levels decrease as you get closer/cuddly/more emotionally intimate? Or is it more of a “wax and wane” over the course of time?

I'd have to say it waxes and wanes, though Runic Wolf and I have only gotten serious about kink with each other in the last few years. For the first decade of our relationship, he thought I was only trying to humor him. It actually took me being kinky with Wendigo to get him to see that I'm kinky in my own right.

Is it often the case that when you meet new sexual partners you direct more extreme sexual behaviour towards them and away from the primary relationship?

I'm not sure what you mean by more extreme sexual behavior; please explain.

Does NRE with others generally lead to less sex between primaries?

For me the more sex I have, the more I want.

If you’re into BDSM play, do you have any restrictions on BDSM with others, or does everything go?

Runic Wolf's restriction is that Wendigo and I can't do anything that would necessitate a trip to the ER, but that applies to himself as well.


Do you get jealous if your primary does something sexually with another partner you crave and hasn’t happened in a while? Do you talk about it, and how do you do this without them feeling you’re pressuring them into a certain sex act? Or do you just tell yourself it's none of your business because every relationship is different, and you’re glad he’s having fun?

I have recently discovered that I don't get jealous; I get envious if my partners are giving someone else something I'm craving - even if it's something as simple as cuddling with a platonic friend when we haven't been able to cuddle in a while. I've learned that if i don't tell them I need something, they aren't necessarily going to know to give it to me. But generally speaking, my partners don't do anything sexually with other people that they don't do with me or if they do, it is something that I don't want to do or something I can't provide.

 

[GalaGirl]

I am aware this could change, letting go of certainty has been a liberating thing for an over-analyser like me!

Sounds like an overall good thing then?

GG

 

[Dagferi]

If you’re kinky, have you found that kink levels decrease as you get closer/cuddly/more emotionally intimate? Or is it more of a “wax and wane” over the course of time?

I am not the kinky one in my longest term relationship (my husband is kinky but mono) BUT I am the poly one. My sex life has honestly waned with my husband due to his demands of kink in order to be able to perform sexually. I try and play with him a bit but it is extremely hard for me. We are miss matched in this dept and we have been since day one. But I have been clear on my stance since dating with DH. He thought he could live without kink apparently he can not.

With my boyfriend things get deeper and deeper emotionally and sexually. But he is vanilla like me. We have a very active passionate sex life. Since we have fallen in love the sex has evolved into something amazing.

Is it often the case that when you meet new sexual partners you direct more extreme sexual behaviour towards them and away from the primary relationship?

If you are talking about BDSM. No I am so not into BDSM.

Does NRE with others generally lead to less sex between primaries?

Unfortunately in my case yes. My husband has seriously pushed me away with his BDSM demands. I can not meet his demands. It makes me feel disgusting, dirty, used, and objectified. I wish we could have the type of sex life my bf M and I have. We did years ago when he could meet me halfway and respect my boundaries.

If you’re into BDSM play, do you have any restrictions on BDSM with others, or does everything go?

This doesn't apply to me. If my husband could/would find a play partner as long as he was happy and safe he has my permission to do whatever he wanted.

Do you get jealous if your primary does something sexually with another partner you crave and hasn’t happened in a while? Do you talk about it, and how do you do this without them feeling you’re pressuring them into a certain sex act? Or do you just tell yourself it's none of your business because every relationship is different, and you’re glad he’s having fun?

I am sure my husband gets jealous of what I have with M. I do not like share the intimate details of what goes on between M and myself with my husband. I do not want to hurt my husband. He kind of finds it a turn on... I like to treat my relationships are separate but equal.

 

[GalaGirl]

My husband has seriously pushed me away with his BDSM demands. I can not meet his demands. It makes me feel disgusting, dirty, used, and objectified. I wish we could have the type of sex life my bf M and I have. We did years ago when he could meet me halfway and respect my boundaries.

Ack. I'm sorry to hear this. Good kink should be respectful of boundaries!
I am sorry you are feeling yucky.

You don't have to be into kink at all. You have that right. But just hearing that you tried and ended up feeling like THAT is ugh.

Is he a top? If so I get the vibe he's not a great one if he's making you feel yucky. The top has to play within the bottom's specified arena or it is a no go. If he's a boundary breaker I don't blame you for not wanting to there at all.

Makes my hair stand on end. (and I do like some kink.) Ugh.

Whether kink or poly I wish people would just play honorably with some ethics and respect for their partner(s)!

GG

 

[Dagferi]

Ack. I'm sorry to hear this. Good kink should be respectful of boundaries!
I am sorry you are feeling yucky.

You don't have to be into kink at all. You have that right. But just hearing that you tried and ended up feeling like THAT is ugh.

Is he a top? If so I get the vibe he's not a great one if he's making you feel yucky. The top has to play within the bottom's specified arena or it is a no go. If he's a boundary breaker I don't blame you for not wanting to there at all.

Makes my hair stand on end. (and I do like some kink.) Ugh.

Whether kink or poly I wish people would just play honorably with some ethics and respect for their partner(s)!

GG

GG...

No my husband is a bottom.

I give him credit he has tried. But unfortunately kink is something he can no live without. Which I can understand and have no problem. I just wish he could find a play partner.

 

[GalaGirl]

Even a bottom can go too far.

Sigh -- hopefully he will find a play partner and stop pressuring you then.

GG

 

[Tonberry]

If you’re kinky, have you found that kink levels decrease as you get closer/cuddly/more emotionally intimate? Or is it more of a “wax and wane” over the course of time?

I find that I can only be kinky with someone I trust absolutely. That means that my kink level will increase as I get closer/cuddly/more intimate. With a new partner, I'll be vanilla. I don't know them enough, I don't trust them enough to be that vulnerable with them, and on the flipside, don't trust that I can deal with them being vulnerable when I don't know enough about them to treat them the way that will be most enjoyable for both of us.

Is it often the case that when you meet new sexual partners you direct more extreme sexual behaviour towards them and away from the primary relationship?

No.

Does NRE with others generally lead to less sex between primaries?

NRE makes me more aroused, more affectionate, and more in love with my existing partner(s). It leads to either more sex or more cuddling, depending on the mood.

If you’re into BDSM play, do you have any restrictions on BDSM with others, or does everything go?

This would be decided on a partner per partner basis. One of us meets someone, is interested in pursuing it, we discuss what would be happening and see if everyone is fine with it.

If you’re into D/S play, how do you manage this with having an extremely equal relationship in all other ways? Sometimes it’s hard for either of us to let the other take control because we’re so equal in all other arenas, and both extremely independent people… it’s almost like it’s easier with someone you’re not in such a close partnership with, I’m wondering if others can relate.

We're both switches, so we just adapt to one another, which we do in other areas of our lives. It seems very natural to us, one of us will feel very dominant or submissive, the other will fill in the other role. We've never both craved the same position at the same time so far. If we did, I guess we'd find a way to alternate so we both get ours in the end.

Do you get jealous if your primary does something sexually with another partner you crave and hasn’t happened in a while? Do you talk about it, and how do you do this without them feeling you’re pressuring them into a certain sex act? Or do you just tell yourself it's none of your business because every relationship is different, and you’re glad he’s having fun?

That has never happened. I think I would probably feel inadequate if he refused me something but did it with someone else, I would think I did something wrong. Then we'd have to discuss it, to see why the situation is different, and if it's something I can change or not. If it is, I would decide based on whether I feel the change is worth the sex act or not.

Actually, after typing this, I guess it has happened. While I was away for six months, he had sex with another woman, which I guess would count as something I craved that hadn't happened in a while. However, I wasn't jealous or upset, as the distance was not his fault and in no way did he reject me or anything like that. I would find it cruel to tell him he can't have sex with others while I'm away, I wouldn't gain anything from it and it would leave both of us bitter.
I was happy he was having fun, and looking forward to being back.