Sexual/relationship pacing for the inexperienced....

[MsEmotional]

A little backstory for folks who don’t know my situation:

I don’t have a lot of relationship experience. I dated someone for 6 months just out of college (somewhat long-distance) and then a few months after we broke up I started a relationship with a friend who later became my husband (Glasses). That’s pretty much the extent of my pre-poly experience. Glasses and I have only been poly for about 7 months. The first date I went on, I totally clicked with the guy (Ponytail) and we have been in a rollercoaster relationship ever sense. The sex has been close to perfect right from the beginning — mostly because he has let me set the pace.

So now the current situation:

I have recently started exploring a relationship with a friend of mine (Laptop) and I kinda don’t really know what to think of it. When we were first talking about considering something more than friendship, we both indicated that we enjoyed our friendship and acknowledged that sex can sometimes make a friendship weird and we didn’t want to ruin it.

We’ve made out a couple times since having that discussion. It’s not bad, but it’s kinda....awkward? I feel like we are out of sync. Like, one moment I think he wants to move really slowly because it seems like he just wants to cuddle and rest his head on my shoulder. The next moment he’s biting my nipple — like, way too hard. He also makes a lot of noise and grinds on me a lot and I really like slower, more purposeful movement that gives me time to enjoy myself and fully experience the sensations. I’ve tried touching him the way I want to be touched, to show him what I like. I have tried directly asking him to slow down, kiss me in certain places, etc. I have tried reacting positively anytime he does something I like, but basically if I react positively to anything it seems to just make him go faster. So strange because he told me before that his favorite part of sex is being giving and pleasuring his partner...but he doesn’t seem to pick up on what it is that I like. Maybe when he said he likes giving pleasure he just meant he really likes giving head or something...

He also runs hot and cold with me — like one moment he’s grinding on me and the next moment he is just giving me a quick kiss and sending me out the door. Is this a straight guy thing? Or is he not all that into me? (It’s been a long time since I have been with a straight guy....or a guy who wasn’t already in love with me for that matter.)

I don’t want to ruin the friendship, so I am kind of inclined to end things now so that we don’t get further down this path and just make it more awkward/difficult later. But he keeps saying that he is so happy that we seem to be starting a relationship. I don’t understand. Is there no going back now?

Because I have so little experience, I don’t know if this is normal “getting to know each other in a new way” stuff and I just need to give it more time. Like, if all relationships are awkward at the beginning. Or if it’s because (like me) he is new to poly, and has been in a mono relationship with his wife and is out of practice with new relationships. He is younger than I and was in only one relationship (although it was a few years long) before getting married.

I guess what I am asking is, what should I do?

A. Have a frank conversation about how i don’t want to get too far into this thing and ruin the potential for going back to friendship?
B. Have a frank conversation about how I want to be touched? (I’m thinking i’d Need to have this conversation at a time when we aren’t already making out? Since he doesn’t seem to really think much about what I am trying to say when he’s already all worked up?)
C. Steer us away from the make-outs and just stick with cuddles and affectionate kissing until I can figure out my feelings and maybe build more intimacy?
D. Something else?

Please be nice — I am not trying to be overly critical of his skills/style I am just really inexperienced with navigating this and I really don’t know how/what to communicate.

 

[Ravenscroft]

You seem to be saying that the two of you aren't regularly having "frank discussion," & doing so is some sort of Event that's staged in order to manage one crisis or another.

IMO, you should be having such discussions constantly, particularly since you say you're already such close friends.

As for his awkwardness? I mean this in all seriousness, & as well not in a mean-spirited way: maybe he's just naturally inept. As well, it could be some social-anxiety disorder, or simply lack of experience. He might not be able to change it quickly, if at all.

But I get the impression that YOU might be dancing away from the issue, because there IS a potential downside for straightforwardness & honesty. Consider how you will feel if you address your concerns to him... he embraces the need for change... then nothing changes. What light does this shine on your friendship?

 

[vinsanity0]

I seriously doubt that it has anything to do with being straight. Guys are guys. Some are good lovers, some not so good. I wouldn't even go so far as to say he is not a good lover. Perhaps the two of you are just sexually incompatible. You are not happy with how he does things. Perhaps he would not be happy with how you want things done.

It seems like you are trying to equate sexual compatibility with love or depth of feelings. They don't really have much to do with each other.

It sounds like you have very little sexual experience. Now you are finding out that not everyone fucks the same way. Another option would be to go with it and see where it takes you. My sex life would feel pretty boring if every sexual partner I've had was the same. It also takes time for a person to learn a partner's likes and dislikes. You can't really just toss them an instruction manual and tell them there will be a quiz later.

Of course, I can't fault anyone for liking what they like. If sex with him doesn't do it for you then discontinue it. Just do it tactfully or things will get awkward in a hurry.

 

[MsEmotional]

You seem to be saying that the two of you aren't regularly having "frank discussion," & doing so is some sort of Event that's staged in order to manage one crisis or another.

IMO, you should be having such discussions constantly, particularly since you say you're already such close friends.

As for his awkwardness? I mean this in all seriousness, & as well not in a mean-spirited way: maybe he's just naturally inept. As well, it could be some social-anxiety disorder, or simply lack of experience. He might not be able to change it quickly, if at all.

But I get the impression that YOU might be dancing away from the issue, because there IS a potential downside for straightforwardness & honesty. Consider how you will feel if you address your concerns to him... he embraces the need for change... then nothing changes. What light does this shine on your friendship?

I should perhaps clarify that our friendship is valuable to us but I wouldn’t say that we are “close.” We have known each other about 6 months and met up about once a month (and texted each other randomly when we had a poly question) for the first 4 months or so. Only very recently have we seen each other more than twice in a month. And it was less than a week ago that we decided to take away the “friendship limitations” (as he puts it)....so there hasn’t been a lot of time for frank discussion since the start of the making out era of our friendship.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi MsEmotional,

In your particular situation, I would advise having a direct/explicit conversation with Laptop about what you do and don't want physically. It is hard to talk about sex/sexual matters, I have a hard time doing that myself. But sometimes it's best to just push through it. People are not mind-readers, and as you said, Laptop doesn't seem to pick up on what you like. So, you then have to tell him, explicitly/directly. At least that's how it seems to me.

I hope the two of you can work things out.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[Tinwen]

A. Have a frank conversation about how i don’t want to get too far into this thing and ruin the potential for going back to friendship?
B. Have a frank conversation about how I want to be touched? (I’m thinking i’d Need to have this conversation at a time when we aren’t already making out? Since he doesn’t seem to really think much about what I am trying to say when he’s already all worked up?)

I'm with previous posters on most points. I just want to add that, basically, you have to first decide which conversation to have. If you decide that you and him are likely not compatible sexually? You could have a conversation about being friends rather than lovers right away. If you decide that you want to try? You'll have the conversation about "hey, do you think we could slow way down when making out? would you be willing to learn and do ___?"
Decide on your goals and then go talk to him. Than follow up. Don't let him overstep your boundaries into uncomfortably uncomfortable land just because you don't feel like stopping him in the heat of the moment. It's all easier said than done though

 

[Seinneann]

I don’t want to ruin the friendship, so I am kind of inclined to end things now so that we don’t get further down this path and just make it more awkward/difficult later. But he keeps saying that he is so happy that we seem to be starting a relationship. I don’t understand. Is there no going back now?

Something to consider as you go forward- moving forward or progressing with a relationship because the other person is keen and eager to is never a sufficient enough reason to continue. Set aside how keen and eager he is for the moment and ask yourself, "Is this something I want?" You seem to be confusing what you actually want with what you think you should want according to some unwritten script people are supposed to follow, and the more experience you get, the more you know that script and can follow it.

Every person is unique in their relationships and there is no set script pathway/conveyer belt/escalator that everyone needs to ride.

So ask yourself honestly if this is what you want. I'm getting the impression it's not really floating your boat. And that's ok. It doesn't have to. Just because it may be floating his boat doesn't obligate you to have to have your boat floated about it too. It'll be a lot easier to have all of those conversations if you are clear in your head about what you want without considering whether saying no would put him out and as long as you remember that you have no obligations to fulfil with regards to some kind of relationship payoff for him.

And if you're worried about ruining the friendship- well how much of a friendship can it be if it relies on you having to set aside what you want (or *don't* want) for the sake of keeping things not awkward? That would be an exhausting friendship to keep up.

Tl;dr- you can go back any time you feel it's right for you to go back.

 

[MsEmotional]

Update!

Update....

Wow! I am so glad I didn’t end it or have sit-down talks or anything. After reading the advice and thinking it over, I had decided to just do nothing and just see what happened next. I did also resolve to tell him (in advance) something I really wanted him to do to me and (with some promoting) he did the same. I wonder if sharing these ideas in advance gave us kind of a template to follow? I don’t know, but whatever the reason, it was AWESOME this time. I actually felt like he was reading my mind as far as what I was hoping for.

The moral of the story? Never underestimate the power of biting the bullet, being a little vulnerable, and just politely asking for the #1 item on your wishlist. You might not always get exactly what you want, but you might inspire the other person with an idea of what you might like.