Sharing Details of Relationships/Sex

[Nudge]

So I would say, considering the source of the information, and who you are sharing it with, should be the most important. Getting consent to tell someone about a sexual encounter with someone else isn't something I find practical.

To clarify, the consent isn't around each sexual act, but having a general sense of what a partner would want shared. Having a talk about preferences/boundaries is a good idea.

 

[Emm]

Once I discover that my partner is paranoid about their details, and doesn't trust me to be careful with them, my guess is that relationship is not going to be very intimate.

That goes the other way, too. Before getting too carried away for the first time, I asked both my married partners what level of detail their wives would be privy to. If they'd given me the impression that everything was going to be discussed, then there wouldn't have been anything taking place worth talking about. You can call it paranoia, if you wish. I just call it none of their business.

 

[gorgeouskitten]

One thing to note is that disclosing sexual details means providing information about a third party who may not want to have the information shared.

I may be comfortable sharing sexual information about me and my spouse with my girlfriend. But what if the spouse wouldn't want the information shared? Consent of every party involved is important.

Nudge, interesting point. But really, you can't expect people not to share experiences they are involved in with other people, if it somehow affected them. I get what you mean if it's solely about the other person. But you know me... I'm probably TOO open, and could stand to use a little of the candor other people have.

 

[gorgeouskitten]

Being unsettled by not hearing enough detail would give me pause. I would presume that I am having a personal issue with the fact that something is happening outside of my realm of control. What is it that unsettles you? What details would sate this fear? What do you imagine will happen if you don't hear these details, versus what happens if you do?

I don't know... I guess when I don't know things, my imagination runs wild. But you're right. It shouldn't matter. I think it's just an internal quirk of mine that I need to quiet down.

 

[Nudge]

But you know me. I'm probably TOO open.

I wouldn't say too open. You just open *me* up more than I expect, sometimes.

 

[Dirtclustit]

As to specifics

If I am not the source of information, I don't share it, when the info is in regards to sexual details. As in, the details a partner shares with me, I don't share with others.

One of the things that I have a problem with in the places, sites, groups, and communities, both online, in real life, and the mix of both, is that it seems like offense is more the norm than respect. These are topics (love and relationships) are very emotional, so there are going to be heated discussions.

(It is not my intention to pick on people. In fact, being respectful and not offensive is something I need to work on. It really sucks when a person who was as big a part of this forum as Boring Guy gets banned. Often I was confrontational towards him, which means I was part of the problem.)

But anyway, in all the places that are known to be "open minded" in regards to sex, it's as as if there is an unspoken rule that you must have "thick skin" when it comes sexual matters, that there is no room for sensitive people, or as if humiliation by others can teach humility when you are talking about something like sex -- where each person has all authority in regards to themselves, and absolutely none except that which is freely given or willfully submitted to. Coercion is wrong; shaming is wrong; fucking with a person's mind is wrong; being disrespectful is wrong; violating another's autonomy or spaces that are sexual are wrong.

When I say wrong, I mean seriously wrong, as a person's emotional health and sexual health and being emotionally/sexually healthy is in many ways directly linked to spirituality. These are normally quite sensitive aspects of our lives emotionally. They are easily damaged, and when people exist in a place where their emotional sexual health is poor, it can take a life that would otherwise be perfect and turn it to shit.

It doesn't matter if you are mono or poly. If you have emotionally unhealthy sex life or sex partners, it is damn hard to be content with life.

As far as needing to know your partner's details, that is a sensitive issue. But I do strongly feel that the most intimate relationships are ones where all involved feel safe enough to fully share.

I don't have to be "involved" in my partners' relationships, but my preference is much closer to family style, or fully integrated partners, as opposed to separate. Mostly because issues of time are less of a problem as well as intimacy, as a true friend, a close friend -- even without any sexual aspect -- is in many ways just as fulfilling a relationship -- and in some ways, more fulfilling -- as it is the sharing of life that to me is priceless. Just one relationship like that is all I need, and I feel blessed to have it. It is often easier to find those relationships with those I am not sexually involved with, but the sex doesn't defile those relationships. It just seems like a rarer find.

 

[willowstar]

This issue came up for me recently. BF and I live 60 miles apart, so we spend a lot of our time texting, and sexting too. For us, this is a normal and natural part of our relationship. But it's not something I would do with my husband, because our communication is just different. (The sexting part, anyway. TB and I will incorporate sexy/dirty talk into our sex life all the time. Just not in "media".)

BF and I both like to hear sexy details, and we communicate these kinds of things for each other, as sharing fantasies of what we might do if we were together in person. But when faced with the opportunity to give him details about a specific sexual encounter with my husband, I realized that was just outside my comfort zone. What I do with someone in the bedroom is between us. I could give a brief summary, or if asked a specific question, I could answer it (Do you guys have oral sex? Have you done THIS??), but I just didnt want to make it.... salacious...? It wont be presented as an erotica story.

It goes both ways. I would not give TB a blow-by-blow (ha ha) of what BF and I might do together. It's personal.

 

[Vexxed]

I wouldn't say too open . You just open *me* up more than I expect, sometimes.

I still think the thing to go by is basing the decision on what people involved are comfortable with. If detail sharing is ok, then enjoy it. If just broad general questions or ok, then enjoy that. I wouldn't worry about what's the norm for other people's relationships. It's all about respecting the boundaries of the people directly in the situation. That's it.

 

[Marcus]

If they'd given me the impression that everything was going to be discussed then there wouldn't have been anything taking place worth talking about. You can call it paranoia if you wish, I just call it none of their business.

So "our sex life is to be held as our dirty little secret or we aren't having it"? What were you so afraid of? Were they going to publish your sexlife on the internet? Were they going to go to your kids school and tell the teachers? Were they going to discuss their new intimate sexual partner with their current intimate sexual partner?

Is your sex life really so illicit and depraved that it needs to be kept under lock and key?

 

[Inyourendo]

So "our sex life is to be held as our dirty little secret or we aren't having it"? What were you so afraid of? Were they going to publish your sexlife on the internet? Were they going to go to your kids school and tell the teachers? Were they going to discuss their new intimate sexual partner with their current intimate sexual partner?

Is your sex life really so illicit and depraved that it needs to be kept under lock and key?

I think its kind of Luke "what would m think if n told ne all the nasty things she did to him" or the intimate details about her body etc. Or even embarrassing stuff

 

[Marcus]

I think its kind of Luke "what would m think if n told ne all the nasty things she did to him" or the intimate details about her body etc. Or even embarrassing stuff

As an adult, it is important to respect the independent nature of peoples lives and the fact that not everyone wants their squishy fart noises shared with strangers at dinner parties. Adult humans with fully functional brains should be able to get that... it's just part of being a social human in the modern age.

My assertion is that, if I don't trust someone with my details then there is a *reason* for that. Like, I trust that IV won't share "embarrassing stuff" about me with someone who is going to use it against me or harm me with it. The issue is not that she knows "embarrassing stuff" or that she even tells someone about it... the reality of the thing is that I become concerned if it is likely to come back to haunt me. I trust that, if she thought CV might make fun of me for something that she wouldn't share that particular detail with him.

(I know her well enough to actually have some idea of who she is)

The detail itself isn't precious, it's when it is shared chaotically that it becomes an issue. If I *didn't* trust IV to be courteous with my feelings then that is a good reason not to share intimate experiences with her.

That means she would be either a stranger, or someone I know to be a bumbling idiot. In either case... why exactly would I be physically vulnerable with her in the first place?

 

[Emm]

So "our sex life is to be held as our dirty little secret or we aren't having it"? What were you so afraid of? Were they going to publish your sexlife on the internet? Were they going to go to your kids school and tell the teachers? Were they going to discuss their new intimate sexual partner with their current intimate sexual partner?

Is your sex life really so illicit and depraved that it needs to be kept under lock and key?

It's not a dirty little secret, it's simply nobody else's business. Just as I don't go around telling everyone how much I earn or the contents of my latest bowel movement, nobody needs to know if I give a good blow job or make squeaky chipmunk noises in the heat of the moment unless they're the one with me at the time. Privacy and secrecy are two very different things, no matter how hard you try to conflate them.

 

[gorgeouskitten]

I still think the thing to go by is basing the decision on what people involved are comfortable with. If detail sharing is ok, then enjoy it. If just broad general questions or ok, then enjoy that. I wouldn't worry about what's the norm for other peoples relationships. It's all about respecting the boundaries of the people directly in the situation. That's it.

Vexxed, but its kind of funny that this was your comment in response to Nudge, cause he is in involved in a relationship with me. lol. Im made this post originally cause Im just curious about other people. I tend to share a lot and ask questions a lot, but unless the other person is super uncomfortable i think tis ok to break someone out of their comfort zone a little.

 

[london]

Vexxed, but its kind of funny that this was your comment in response to Nudge, cause he is in involved in a relationship with me. lol. Im made this post originally cause Im just curious about other people. I tend to share a lot and ask questions a lot, but unless the other person is super uncomfortable i think tis ok to break someone out of their comfort zone a little.

That's a very risky premise to live by because "super uncomfortable" and "a little" are subjective terms. Your intention to "break someone out of their comfort zone a little" could actually become an oppressive form of coercion that dismisses someone's needs and choices, inevitably making them and consequently, your relationship, deeply unhappy.

 

[gorgeouskitten]

That's a very risky premise to live by because "super uncomfortable" and "a little" are subjective terms. Your intention to "break someone out of their comfort zone a little" could actually become an oppressive form of coercion that dismisses someone's needs and choices, inevitably making them and consequently, your relationship, deeply unhappy.

London, well i meant it as a form of discussion...if I might be pushing my boyfriend for discussion a little, he can tell he hes uncomfortable and tell me to stop and i'll listen, maybe he doesnt mind going outside his comfort zone a little but he'd have to tell me if i was doing something that was harming our relationship (likewise for my spouse)

 

[Nudge]

That's a very risky premise to live by because "super uncomfortable" and "a little" are subjective terms. Your intention to "break someone out of their comfort zone a little" could actually become an oppressive form of coercion that dismisses someone's needs and choices, inevitably making them and consequently, your relationship, deeply unhappy.

London-- as one of the related parties, I can vouch for a lack of coercion from gorgeouskitten. I also can push back-- and do, on occasion.

 

[gorgeouskitten]

My therapist (doesnt everybody have one?) asked if i really NEED to know when my other partners have sex. Interesting question.

 

[opalescent]

I've been following this thread and thought I would pop in with what has worked for Whip and I so far.

I have less need/want to know about our sexual interactions with other partners than Whip does. He would tell me every little detail if I wanted. (He's definitely an exhibitionist and a voyeur.) And he would not mind at all if I tell him all my naughty details about sex with other people. (Although this not been tested much as I have found only one other person I wanted to be with and that fizzled.)

But I do not like knowing the details because I start playing the comparison game in my head. Well, if he did this-n-that with her, maybe he doesn't like it as much with me? She's younger than me, maybe he prefers that? She is wayyyy more submissive than me - maybe that is what he wants *really*. It is utterly irrational and unconnected with reality. What he does sexually with one partner does not impact us - except maybe as food for thought, for experimentation. If he wanted to only date younger (than me) women, he would. If he wanted a woman who is only submissive, then he would date someone like that. And he is not responsible for my little hamster wheel comparison game.

I find that not knowing details really helps to not play the comparison game. Eventually I may get to the point of details don't bother me but I am not there yet.

So what do we tell each other? We have agreed that 1) wherever possible, give a heads up if someone appears on the horizon as a possible partner. 1a) If a play partner or friend becomes a sexual partner, let the other know - this does not need to be done beforehand but is nice when possible. 2) We don't have a veto over partners but expect our opinions about potential partners to be considered. 3) If the relationship changes or evolves with someone else - for example a play partner may evolve in a FWB, or something more serious - please give a heads up to the other partner. And finally, 4) if fun was had. We do want to know if the other has had a good time.

So I do want to know if someone Whip is interacting with has become a sexual partner, but I do not want to know every time they have sex or what they did exactly.

 

[opalescent]

I tend to share a lot and ask questions a lot, but unless the other person is super uncomfortable i think tis ok to break someone out of their comfort zone a little.

You obviously trust your partners to tell you when you've gone too far and that is a good thing. And nothing wrong with sharing or being curious.

But it is not ok to push others boundaries, even a little, even if no harm is meant. Breaking past someone's comfort zone is boundary pushing.

Not everyone is capable of or comfortable with telling people to mind their own business, or to back off, or just a 'I'm not comfortable discussing that.'

You've probably unintentionally made some people very uncomfortable. If they are not capable or willing to tell you 'no, I'm not talking about that', then they are not going to tell you they are uncomfortable and they may also hide their physical reactions of discomfort. Plus, super uncomfortable for you may not match what super uncomfortable is for them. Even if you are good at reading body language, you may miss signals, especially if you don't know someone well. Long story short, you may not be able to tell if they are uncomfortable.

Plus, bluntly, sharing and curiosity is not an acceptable excuse to make people even slightly uncomfortable. Your want to know does not trump their need for privacy and comfort.

I also want to know how other people experience the world, and that includes sexuality. I love talking about sexuality with others. But there are ways to ask that give even the shyest, mildest person imaginable an out if they don't want to go there. Instead of pushing others boundaries, learn to invite them to share with you. There is a profound and important difference.

 

[HappyCouple75]

So...a lot of you have read my posts before, but now my BF has an account on here so its a little different for me. lol. Im just curious about how other people handle the sharing of sexual information. For me, I like to know what my partners are into with their other partners..maybe not detailed accounts of specific 'sessions' (though my spouse and i discuss that sometimes to some extent) but i like to know what kind of things they are into, or what kinds of acts are performed if its something new etc. Im prone to be like, "was it good?" or ask follow up if its mentioned something new was introduced.
I suppose this is personal preference, no one HAS to share. But if you have different views on it, like it unsettles me not to know, how do you deal with that?

If you dont share how else can the bring home new thing to spice up your own sex life...To me that is a bonus