Short but sweet

LouLou

New member
I've been in an open relationship for about six months now, I've had a couple of dates but never felt that "connection"

Then I met K on a dating app. The conversation was great from the start and I was super keen to meet up with him. We met for a beer and clicked immediately. Following a week of texting and calling, he was all I could think about and we met up for a second date, leading to great sex at the end. The third date was dinner at his, followed by a sleepover, getting breakfast and hanging out the next day. I was love drunk on NRE.
He was aware I'm poly, and said he respected and appreciated my openness and honesty - "it's refreshing to meet someone who really knows what they want."

Today I received the news that he no longer wishes to continue our relationship. I understood and respected his reasons and we went our separate ways.

It sucks, I'm sad: he had so much potential, but life goes on. In the words of Aaliya "dust yourself off, and try again"
 
I have found that men who tell me they are glad to meet a woman who "knows what she wants" are often just interested in sex and are inclined to disappear afterwards. I began to get the sense that these men think "a woman who knows what she wants" = "a woman who is looking for just sex."

It happened so often that I now use that particular phrase as a bullshit detector. Men who actually want the same thing I want are more clear about telling me about their own poly/open relationships and what THEY in particular want. If they are like, "Oh wow I never met a woman who knows what she wants before!" that is actually NOT a good sign.

I'm not sure if that's the case with your situation. (I don't even know if you are a woman). Or what this guy's reasons for breaking things off are.

At least he told you, rather than just ghosting.

But yeah, that sucks and I'm sorry.
 
I have found that men who tell me they are glad to meet a woman who "knows what she wants" are often just interested in sex and are inclined to disappear afterwards.
Yeah, I think you hit the nail on the head there. It does feel like something has been taken away from me, like taking a toy away from a child.

Or what this guy's reasons for breaking things off are.
His words were "I guess I want more to share you with someone else and have kids eventually and all that. I thought I could be chill with our arrangement, but since we last hung out I've been slowly changing my mind" but I'll never know if that is a story he was just spinning.

I don't even know if you are a woman
Yes - she/her pronouns

But yeah, that sucks and I'm sorry.
Time for some self love. I'll get over it. Thank you for your support 🤗
 
Now that I think about it, I encountered two variations of men who said "Wow, a woman who really knows what she wants!"

The first were like, "Wow I can have sex with her and then disappear and not feel guilty!" One guy flat-out told me, "It's great that you know what you want! That means I can have sex with you while looking for a real girlfriend!" (He did not get to have sex with me.)

The second type were guys who were scared of non-monogamy but didn't want to admit it. One guy said, "Wow you really know what you want! I'm kind of intimidated by that."

It seemed like he was intrigued by the idea, or possibly thought he'd get some sex with an experienced sexual partner (haha, I was not!) but did not actually want non-monogamy. Was intimidated by a woman who openly stated she intended to have more than one sexual partner. (But also thought she would want to have sex with him, because of course she's not particular, right?)

The way these guys phrased their "intimidation" bothered me. Like, why not say you're intrigued by non-monogamy, but not sure it's for you, you feel a little intimidated by it. That's reasonable. But they phrased it as if the idea that I "knew what I wanted" was what was intimidating for them.

I could write a whole essay on this! Because think about it: monogamous straight women who say they're looking for someone to get married and have children with--guys never say to them "Wow you really know what you want!" LOL. Nope.
 
He was honest about dating other girls (as well as me) and having been in open relationships in the past, which makes more sense about your theory of just wanting to just have sex and disappear. It was such a shame as the sex was so good though lol.

I love your take on this intimidation thing. I'm encountering it a lot, but at the same time I have been mainly dating monogamous guys.
 
Hi LouLou,

Sorry K broke up with you like that, that was a shitty thing for him to do. Maybe it's for the best that this happened early on, as he may not be the type of guy you would want to date in the long term. It kind of sounds like he just wanted to have sex with you the one time, like he wanted to put a notch on his bed post. I hope I'm wrong about that, but even if I am, at least you're no longer tied up with him, right?

Sometimes it's a sucky world we live in.
With sympathy,
Kevin T.
 
Today I received the news that he no longer wishes to continue our relationship. I understood and respected his reasons and we went our separate ways.

I hope you are in a place (or I hope you can find yourself in that place) where you can appreciate the experience, instead of being bummed out that you aren't going to get more of it.

In my life I want to avoid my thirst for more in the future to overshadow the reality that I really got to live some life and have a good time. That's easier said than done, and I can't always do it, but I like to hold it as my guiding goal so at least I can remember which way I want to go.

I'm glad you had fun. I encourage you to dive in to your next adventure.
 
"It's great that you know what you want! That means I can have sex with you while looking for a real girlfriend!"
I ran into this a lot when I was poly dating. The trope that poly women have so many more opportunities than poly men is pretty misleading. This kind of "opportunity" is plentiful, but when it comes to creating a fulfilling relationship, the odds seem to be about even for men and women.

As for this particular situation, I disagree that the guy did a shitty thing. Everything was consensual and done willingly. I didn't get the impression that anyone was deceived. We have no idea whether he was notch collecting or whether he truly was intrigued and sincere about the open agreement. He owned up to his inability to go forward and didn't just stop responding to texts. Whether poly or mono, this is responsible behavior in the dating world, isn't it? The only "type" of guy he is, is an honest guy.
 
As for this particular situation, I disagree that the guy did a shitty thing. Everything was consensual and done willingly. I didn't get the impression that anyone was deceived. We have no idea whether he was notch collecting or whether he truly was intrigued and sincere about the open agreement. He owned up to his inability to go forward and didn't just stop responding to texts. Whether poly or mono, this is responsible behavior in the dating world, isn't it? The only "type" of guy he is, is an honest guy.

I wholeheartedly agree. There are so many generalizations in this thread. “When men say –this- “they” –mean- that” ect.. I find that type of thinking very similar to racism and bigotry. Men are individuals and every man is different.

In this case you have a man that told you exactly why he wanted to end it. Maybe the real reason he broke up with you is exactly what he said it was... I understand the urge to assassinate his character, it serves to ease your pain and justify his absence in your life as a good thing; in the long run it is a rather unhealthy behavior.
 
where you can appreciate the experience, instead of being bummed out that you aren't going to get more of it.
Oh absolutely. I like to consider myself a "glass half full" kind of person, so I look on the encounter as something to learn from. It was why I chose the title "short, but sweet."

As for this particular situation, I disagree that the guy did a shitty thing. Everything was consensual and done willingly. I didn't get the impression that anyone was deceived. We have no idea whether he was notch collecting or whether he truly was intrigued and sincere about the open agreement. He owned up to his inability to go forward and didn't just stop responding to texts. Whether poly or mono, this is responsible behavior in the dating world, isn't it? The only "type" of guy he is, is an honest guy.
That was exactly where my mind went when he ended things. I believed his reasons to be genuine and thinking that he was just after sex left me with a bitter taste in my mouth.

I understand the urge to assassinate his character, it serves to ease your pain and justify his absence in your life as a good thing; in the long run it is a rather unhealthy behavior.
I genuinely felt no animosity towards him personally. My response to him ending things was "you're entitled to feel what you feel and want what you want." The only feeling I was left with was disappointment that I felt there could have potentially been something good. The fact he was honest and said he wasn't feeling it obviously tells me it wasn't mutual, which helps dissipate those feelings. You can't force someone to like you or stay in a relationship.
 
The only "type" of guy he is, is an honest guy.

I agree. The OP hasn't given any indication that they think this guy behaved poorly, just that there was potential, and now there isn't (which sucks).

Even though the end was disappointing, I would say this one actually sounds like a pretty positive interaction. There was a good time, there was an adult discussion, and the appropriate action was taken; to me, this is high level adulting.
 
The only "type" of guy he is, is an honest guy.
Actually, I think his "type" is monogamous. He thought he would be able to date LouLou non-monogamously, but then later figured out he didn't want to.

No, that's not dishonest or shitty. Yes, that's how dating works.

But I personally wouldn't want to waste a lot of time forming connections with people who explicitly profess enthusiasm for non-monogamy, only for them to bail as soon as it gets real. (No matter how kindly and honestly they bail).

That was one of the biggest challenges I found when I first began dating non-monogamously. As a straight women, I encountered TONS of monogamous men who were SUPER EAGER to date a non-monogamous woman. I was hesitant about embracing the poly label at the time, and I felt uncertain about restricting myself just to men who were already proudly flying the poly flag. So I was willing to try chatting with men who were coming from a more monogamous perspective.

Except, it didn't work at all. The conversations seemed to start off great. "Wow you really know what you want!" "Wow you have such an enlightened perspective on dating!" "Wow you've really learned to put yourself first!" Similar phrases, over and over. But then it would become clear that we weren't actually on the same page. Most of them were interpreting non-monogamy as automatically meaning purely casual sex. Others were intrigued by the idea, but also intimidated/uncertain/had a lot of negative assumptions about it, and it was unclear what they wanted from me, exactly. Overall, they were planning to end up monogamous when they were ready to settle down, but were in a "dating around" phase at the moment.

These guys weren't doing anything dishonest or shitty. In fact, the ones that wanted just sex were very clear about telling me this, and were happy to find what they thought was a woman who wanted the same thing. (Some got mean when I turned them down, but most were polite).

There was nothing really wrong with their approach, other than that it wasn't for me, but it was very disheartening for me at a time when I felt very alone and uncertain. I felt like I was doing something wrong--why are these guys who initially sound so excited about me (and had actually read my profile!) ending up making me feel really weird and gross? I wondered what the disconnect was.

Basically, I had to learn to screen out those who are monogamous at heart, even if they were in a temporary non-monogamous phase. Things improved as soon as I tried connecting only with people who were already comfortable with the poly label or otherwise were very serious about being non-monogamous.

As soon as I did that, I stopped encountering that phrase, "Wow you really know what you want." Instead it's more like, "Oh cool you're poly/open, me too!" Those conversations went much better. (And almost 10 years later, I am still with the partner I met using that approach).

I agree that LouLou's guy didn't do anything terrible. But I think he DIDN'T know what he wanted.
 
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