Should we proceed?

Janus

Janus

New member
Well, last night, out of the blue, my wife asked me what I thought about open marriage. I didn't know what to say. At first, I thought she was making small talk, like she read something in one of her gossip columns, but she was serious.

First off, we have been married for almost 8 years, together for almost 10. When we got married, she was 19 and I was 23. She is only the 3rd woman I've had sex with, and technically, I was her first. (She was a victim to date rape when she was 16.) On the flip side, she had many boyfriends before me and I never had a girlfriend until her. We don't have any kids. It is just us. We don't really talk much to family and have few friends.

I am definitely open to her suggestion, but I do have my concerns. She is a bit on the jealous side. I didn't make it easy. I did have an emotional affair, but stopped seeing the other woman immediately when I discovered my feelings. I have also visited some websites featuring live models. She caught me by opening my credit card bill. All of this happened while she was going through some hard times and was emotionally and sexually unavailable. Not condoning what I did, just an explanation.

I got my own issues. I am a closeted crossdresser. She knows, but has a hard time understanding it. If I'm not bisexual, then I'm definitely bi-curious, had many fantasies, but never acted. We have had sex twice while I was dressed, but that was it.

Before the hard times and now, she has stated an interest in a threesome with another man or woman, or having another man watch us. I admit that my wife with another man does turn me on. Shee has also started developing crushes on some of her co-workers and some of my friends.

My concerns are:
What if she is just using this as an excuse to go out and experiment?
Could this just be a 7-year itch?
What if she does something that I can't deal with?
What if I do something she can't deal with?
Is she be looking for someone else, or looking for a way to end our marriage?

She doesn't understand that it is a lifestyle.

Our concerns are:
Falling in love with someone else
Falling out of love with each other
How our feelings will change
Going into this too fast or not fast enough
If this is not for us, how do we go back, if at all?
Is this all normal or is this something that we should say no to?

Thanks for the help.
 
Well, to me it sounds that there are a lot of unanswered questions that you should discuss before deciding on anything.

If she just yesterday told you that she would like to open your marriage, I reckon that you haven't discussed what she means by that. Swinging, open relationships or polyamory? And what kind of polyamory? What would you want?

Maybe you should start by figuring out what you want, alone and together.

Here is a good checklist to start with:

http://sexgeek.wordpress.com/2007/06/10/10-realistic-rules-for-good-non-monogamous-relationships/

I didn't quite understand, does she know you're bi-curious? Does this change the picture? Have you discussed these issues?

Also, regarding crossdressing, I get the picture that you would like to be more open about it.

So, talk, talk, talk. Do not rush into things.

I don't know what is normal and what is not, but if you discuss everything openly and in an honest manner, you will make progress. :)

Good luck!
 
Polyamory works wonders for some people's marriages, and ruins others. Much will depend on the base you start from. Do you have a strong base of trust, love, consideration, respect, and communication? If so, proceed with caution. Talk about everything, go slow, and don't be afraid to slow down or back up, if you need to. If not, work on your relationship until you're in a better place, then consider it.

You or she may well fall in love with someone else. That has to be ok if you go forward, because there will be no way to prevent it. Feelings happen. There may not be any way to go back. Sound scary? It certainly can be. It can also be wonderful.

Great resources for beginners, do's and don'ts, etc., here: www.morethantwo.com

Good luck!
 
It seems to me that what is good for the goose should be good for the gander. If she wants something out of her sex life, then I see no reason why she can't request that and follow through with it. The thing is that that means you should be free to do the same. It sounds like some of what you want overlaps, or at least could overlap. That could be fun and bonding. It could be great for your marriage.

Every time she is jealous, it would be wise for her to put herself in your shoes (empathize) and see if it is rational to be so. If there is still a residual feeling of something after that, then I would think there is more going on.

Jealousy is usually about several emotions at once:

  • fear of change and of entering into something new and different
  • threat of losing someone
  • time-related, in terms of not having a good division of time and attention
  • trying to control the situation, or fear of losing control of it.

If she can figure out which of these are going on (or maybe there is something else) then it can be worked on in terms of setting boundaries and looking at requests with an idea of what is going on for each of you.

As to the concerns you have about your marriage... the thing is that, regardless of the request to open your marriage, there is a change coming. That change could have happened silently and without your knowledge in the form of cheating. Love and commitment could've faded until there was nothing left to hold on to. It could've happened as it is for you now; with the embracing of something new, in terms of a new direction and new look at the future. That is a good thing.

Life happens; sometimes marriage ends; there is no predicting EVER; and there is no knowing what the future holds. So why not get about creating something that is sustainable and interesting in your marriage? Chances are that will hold you together longer and with more strength than what you have had in the past.

You may want to see what others have written on this. I suggest doing a search for "jealousy," "lessons," and "foundations" in the tags as reading homework. You are not alone in this at all. There are many that have gone before you, or are going through this now. Good luck.
 
Janus,

Welcome. Interesting choice of name.

Has your relationship healed from the online affair/porn event?

Did she know about the cross dressing before you got married?

I take it she knows about your interest in exploring physical and sexual relationships with men. Did she know about that before you got married?

How would each of you describe your marriage now?
 
Though she has forgiven me, she still gets upset about it. No, she didn't know about the crossdressing, nor did I until I was a bit older. I used to play around with it a bit as a teenager, but it was nothing very serious. We talked about that once, but the conversation didn't go very far.

As far as the marriage, I would say that it is not stale, but just in a rut. We are very busy with work and school, and what little time we do have is used to catch up. She has given me the impression that our marriage might be on its last legs. She has also been hurt by most of my family, so I think that might be some of it. From what she has told me, she is looking for emotional support.
 
I went and looked at your intro and you said because of career choices that you have opposite schedules, lack of quality time, no vacations or even a honeymoon. Couple that with the opposite interests and values you both have, add your newfound fetish and sexual curiosity, I'd say your plates are too full to add more partners successfully.

She may have felt, or is feeling, a gradual slip from you as these things have manifested along the way.

Adding a partner to a relationship on its last legs is not going to work, imo. It will likely be the death blow.

I recommend marriage counseling first.
 
We have been though marriage counseling and it worked. We talked about an open marriage last night, and it was probably one of the most honest and complete talks that we have had with each other in awhile. I think we both walked away from the talk about why this would be good for our marriage and each other.

We both came away with the feeling that we have denied ourselves things when we started dating each other, that we didn't tell each other about, mostly because of where we lived and how we were raised, that wouldn't have really bothered us.
 
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