Single Female who just moved in with boyfriend and his wife- anyone in my situation?

V

Viridis

New member
Although things are going well and this is the basically the type of situation I want to be in, now that I'm here, I'm struggling with what I think are "silly" things - things that I thought I'd thought through and worked out in advance. Just curious if anyone out there was in my situation or was in my situation that I could email/chat with???? Thanks in advance!!!:D
 
I'm in a similar situation I just moved in yesterday and on top of that I'm pregnant. Totally willing to talk.
 
It might help you get more answers if you could give some idea of what the "silly things" are.

It also might help if you consider that if these things are bothering you and causing you to struggle, they aren't "silly." Your feelings are valid and so are your struggles.
 
"silly" things bothering me

I guess I say silly because I'm surprised that I'm having these thoughts.

The main thing at this moment that is getting to me is I guess you could say is materialistic??

When I decided to leave my marriage, I walked away from it all - the house I lovingly decorated, the matching coffee pot and vintage Tupperware sugar and creamer containers that my mom gave me for Christmas one year etc.. I took my clothes, my crafting supplies and some things that meant something special to me.

I did this for two reasons - one that our daughter who was 17 at the time would still be living at that house because being visually impaired, the house was made perfect for her (I moved back home with my dad who was walking distance from the house) and my daughter stayed a lot of time with me at my dad's house as well. I was thinking if all the things she was familiar with were still there, she would not suffer as bad that her parents were divorcing.

The second reason honestly was that I just wanted my freedom - it took me 7 years to finally leave the marriage and I spent many years staying there because I was attached to material things. When I finally left, I was ready to leave and left that former life behind.

When I moved in with my dad, my grandmother and her caregiver were living there so I went from a normal 3/2 house to converting the formal dining room into a room and sleeping on an air mattress with curtains for doors. I was fine with this. After a few years, I moved into an apartment with my boyfriend at the time. He came with the bed and all the furniture, I still didn't have much - and by then, I didn't need much. I made some bad decisions and stayed with this boyfriend for a year and a half longer than I should have and during this time I left and went back to him 4 times in a 2 year period. I could honestly pack my life up in my car and be gone in a few hours.

My daughter and I then got a condo near the University she attends. I told her I was only going to live with her for a year for her to transition to living on her own or with a roommate. I still lived very simply even with her. Over the years I actually found it freeing to not be attached to "things" and how amazed I was that I really didn't "need" much.

I love the idea of refurbishing a small camper and traveling the world and living in a camper - I love the whole Tiny House Movement and totally understand and kind of embrace the minimalistic living concept.

Fast forward to now, I moved in with my boyfriend and his wife who recently bought a new home. My boyfriend W wanted all three of us to share the same bed, same room 24/7 and I put my foot down and said I had to have my own room because I couldn't be "on" 24/7 - or I just need my own space. I have my room, I have decorated it as much as my budget allows and all was fine.

Was fine.... W's wife T has been slowly bringing more and more things out of storage into the house and is having a blast decorating - she should be excited!! I would be as well in her shoes. She loves to decorate for the holidays and was actually really sweet when I brought my small box of Fall decorations over - she incorporated what I had into her things. I almost cried because it was so sweet. We bought collage picture frames and have been putting pictures of the three of us in them and have a special wall in the living room for them - again so sweet!

It seem overnight though, my mind has been telling me things like "If you stay here, you'll NEVER have your own house to decorate like T does - even though they both are doing things so you feel like it's your house too, in reality it NEVER will be"

There is an old antique buffet/hutch at my ex-husbands house that I loved and was attached too - it was harder to leave that piece of furniture than it was him lol but I made peace with it. T just brought over her hutch and filled it full with her/their things with their wedding picture beautifully displayed right in the middle. I am now almost angry about that - which is silly. My mind is saying "Even if you asked Rich for that buffet/hutch and he said you could have it, there is nowhere for you to put it because this is not your house and if you stay here you'll never be able to have it" I so feel like I have a devil on my shoulder.

I'm so surprised at myself that I'm having these emotions!
 
Hi, welcome to the board.

You're used to being independent and you like to decorate your way. You honored that by at least insisting on your own room. But maybe you need your own dear nest, your own place.

We don't all need to live with our lover(s) to be in a tight relationship. Perhaps you'll feel too limited there and want to get your own small apartment, or that cute little vintage trailer of your dreams.

I dig vintage stuff too. Luckily my partner loves old things too, but I have free reign to decorate, that's my thing! She appreciates my taste.

You should see all my Pyrex and Jadeite. heh
 
Considering that you love the tiny house movement, I figured you might appreciate this story. I'm not in your situation yet, but I'm dating a married man and we've discussed the future and how that would look (me living with them). However, what was originally discussed as being a possible future poly house with the 3 of us plus maybe a mutual friend and just being a big awesome house has turned into questions about having personal space, etc. There were jokes about us having a lot with a bunch of tiny houses, but I know that I would never like living in a tiny house. I actually floated the idea of me eventually getting a house and there could be a tiny house in the back yard for b/f's wife (in addition to her being able to have her own room in the house to use) since she was really the one concerned with being able to have her own personal space where she wasn't having to share space with a metamour all the time. I have talked about this with b/f but not with my meta yet since we're not really in a huge rush to cohabitate and I'd rather wait till all of us are not in work stress mode or anything else to have any sort of serious discussion about future living plans. But b/f has laughed about it and thinks she would love it, if nothing else because she loves the tiny houses and loves the idea of having a space that is hers and hers alone. I don't know what sort of housing situation you guys have... but maybe if you have the lot space for it, you could live with them and eventually get your own tiny house so that you have a retreat to call your own!
 
My boyfriend girl friend and I share a bed it's a interesting thing to say the least though I wouldn't want it any other way. I think what your feeling is apart of moving. I still feel like a guest in there house even though I just offically moved in yesterday it's been a slow process of moving everything together. I'm currently upset because there is not a tv in our bed room and o have no idea how I'm going to watch my svu!( like I said though pregnant and hormonal lol) SEEMS like slowly everything will go from yours or theirs to all of yours! :):)
 
Magdlyn said:
Hi, welcome to the board.

You're used to being independent and you like to decorate your way. You honored that by at least insisting on your own room. But maybe you need your own dear nest, your own place.

We don't all need to live with our lover(s) to be in a tight relationship. Perhaps you'll feel too limited there and want to get your own small apartment, or that cute little vintage trailer of your dreams.

I dig vintage stuff too. Luckily my partner loves old things too, but I have free reign to decorate, that's my thing! She appreciates my taste.

You should see all my Pyrex and Jadeite. heh
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I just moved in 6 weeks ago so haven't given this a fair chance yet - I have thought about what I'd do and where'd I go though and I love the thought of a tiny home or camper!!!
 
breathemusic said:
Considering that you love the tiny house movement, I figured you might appreciate this story. I'm not in your situation yet, but I'm dating a married man and we've discussed the future and how that would look (me living with them). However, what was originally discussed as being a possible future poly house with the 3 of us plus maybe a mutual friend and just being a big awesome house has turned into questions about having personal space, etc. There were jokes about us having a lot with a bunch of tiny houses, but I know that I would never like living in a tiny house. I actually floated the idea of me eventually getting a house and there could be a tiny house in the back yard for b/f's wife (in addition to her being able to have her own room in the house to use) since she was really the one concerned with being able to have her own personal space where she wasn't having to share space with a metamour all the time. I have talked about this with b/f but not with my meta yet since we're not really in a huge rush to cohabitate and I'd rather wait till all of us are not in work stress mode or anything else to have any sort of serious discussion about future living plans. But b/f has laughed about it and thinks she would love it, if nothing else because she loves the tiny houses and loves the idea of having a space that is hers and hers alone. I don't know what sort of housing situation you guys have... but maybe if you have the lot space for it, you could live with them and eventually get your own tiny house so that you have a retreat to call your own!
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That is funny - I actually had that thought as well - wondering if we could get away with having a little "shed" type structure in the back yard that would be mine and mine alone so if I wanted that stupid buffet/hutch I could have it lol!
 
Rennabear said:
My boyfriend girl friend and I share a bed it's a interesting thing to say the least though I wouldn't want it any other way. I think what your feeling is apart of moving. I still feel like a guest in there house even though I just offically moved in yesterday it's been a slow process of moving everything together. I'm currently upset because there is not a tv in our bed room and o have no idea how I'm going to watch my svu!( like I said though pregnant and hormonal lol) SEEMS like slowly everything will go from yours or theirs to all of yours! :):)
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When I would come over for the weekends, we all shared the same bed as well - I have restless leg syndrome so being tucked in the middle would freak me out a lot of the time and I'd have to get up and go in the guest room - I knew I wanted my own room/bed when I officially moved in so I wouldn't stress over restless legs and also so I could have my own TV LOL - they don't have TV's in rooms either!
 
In general, if we feel a certain kind of emotion or experience a particular thought process whenever we're around specific people, it isn't always our own issues that bring these feelings up. Our brains are like ultra-sensitive radio receivers that can easily pick up the thoughts and feelings of those around us. And lots of times, the thoughts and feelings of those other people reflect their issues, but because we're picking up on them, we assume those are our own and wonder why we're reacting a certain way that takes us by surprise.

For example, if I find myself feeling insecure and inadequate whenever I'm around somebody who always projects and exudes incredible confidence, chances are very likely that that person is faking confidence on top of their own feelings of inadequacy, as a cover. Truly confident people don't need to constantly broadcast how confident they are. When you're confident, you just are confident, and the people who are most often around you pick it up and can access their own confidence. And if someone feels insecure and owns their own feelings, letting themselves be whatever they are, instead of judging those feelings and pretending they're more secure than they actually feel, I am able to empathize. But if someone is constantly comparing themselves to others and going around trying to prove that they are up to snuff, the people around them can get caught up in the same game.

So, it sounds like you were very much at peace with divesting yourself of most of your. material possessions and enjoying the freedoms that resulted, and your independence. Good for you! Then you move into a couple's home, where perhaps your independence and freedom from needing material possessions might be something that one of them envies, so they try to cover up possiby uncomfortable feelings/thoughts ("I could never be so happy with so little") by buying lots of stuff and trying to drum up enthusiasm for their purchases. This kind of thing is always unconscious, btw, not on purpose. So you, instead of maintaining your sense of well-being about where you are in your life, start comparing, feeling a certain lack, missing things you left behind, and wondering why. Not a big deal, not something bad - I'd say that basically you've tuned in to something going on in your new environment. All you need to do is to be present, trust your intuition, observe the dynamics around you, and most of all - remember who you are.
 
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nycindie said:
In general, if we feel a certain kind of emotion or experience a particular thought process whenever we're around specific people, it isn't always our own issues that bring these feelings up. Our brains are like ultra-sensitive radio receivers that can easily pick up the thoughts and feelings of those around us. And lots of times, the thoughts and feelings of those other people reflect their issues, but because we're picking up on them, we assume those are our own and wonder why we're reacting a certain way that takes us by surprise.


Not a big deal, not something bad - I'd say that basically you've tuned in to something going on in your new environment. All you need to do is to be present, trust your intuition, observe the dynamics around you, and most of all - remember who you are.
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Thank you so much - I actually did have some other thoughts about this - My couple had an incident happen within their relationship where trust was broken and they are struggling - they have made a commitment to work on things (I have been there with them both through it all) but fortunately or unfortunately for her, my relationship with W is stronger than hers right now. I think maybe she's trying to prove a point to me unconsciously that he is her husband and was in his life first etc.. or she could be trying to remind him of all the "things" they had as a way to try to strengthen what they have.
 
Viridis said:
...W's wife T has been slowly bringing more and more things out of storage into the house...
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Is the thought of a lot of material things, dare I say clutter, maybe adding to your feelings? You mentioned you have come to enjoy living simply. My husband likes to hold onto things and feels sentiment attached to things, where I get very overwhelmed with "stuff". When things get too cluttered or the talk of more things comes up, sometimes it just sends me into anxiety overdrive.

Just a thought, maybe one to think about.:)
 
All those feelings seem normal to me. I think it has a lot to do with moving as well. When I moved into Cat's place I felt like a guest. Twenty years later I still do. I did get a room to use as my office. I did get to remodel my bathroom. The rest of the house is all hers. We've separated twice. When I pack my stuff up and go you can't even tell...lol.
 
AWonderland said:
Is the thought of a lot of material things, dare I say clutter, maybe adding to your feelings? You mentioned you have come to enjoy living simply. My husband likes to hold onto things and feels sentiment attached to things, where I get very overwhelmed with "stuff". When things get too cluttered or the talk of more things comes up, sometimes it just sends me into anxiety overdrive.

Just a thought, maybe one to think about.:)
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Yes, it definitely is because I think of things like when Christmas is here and my daughter and her boyfriend come over, there is nothing (at this point) that would even remotely tell my daughter that I lived there too. I still think it's silly that I feel that way. I just need to figure out what I feel like I need in certain areas to make it also feel like mine and then just suggest it etc...
 
vinsanity0 said:
All those feelings seem normal to me. I think it has a lot to do with moving as well. When I moved into Cat's place I felt like a guest. Twenty years later I still do. I did get a room to use as my office. I did get to remodel my bathroom. The rest of the house is all hers. We've separated twice. When I pack my stuff up and go you can't even tell...lol.
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Awwww, yeah I was thinking last night that I'm going to paint my room - like this weekend - that would be the first room in the house that isn't the standard new house contractors colors lol - I have to admit I'd want to do it just for spite lol
 
So, beyond being poly, I have over ten years experience living with roommates, and I wanted to offer some thoughts, based on my experience there.

First off, in every, single place I've lived since I was 20, I was either the primary leaseholder, or a co-leaseholder. So I'm coming at this from a place of being one of the people (or THE person) who was in charge of the home.

I have had roommates who mainly wanted to live with another person to have a crash space/place to store their stuff, but spent the majority of their time out. They had their bedroom, and that's all they had, and they weren't particularly invested in the apartment or me. Even if we had a great time when they were around, we were casual friends at most, and they didn't feel particularly invested in the home.

I have also had roommates that really wanted a *home*. A place that felt like theirs, wholly theirs, not just "this part is 'mine' and everything else is 'not mine'". For those people (especially the ones who up front signed a sub-lease saying they would live there for a year, and possibly would want to live their longer), I asked them "what do we need to do here, so this feels like your home too?". It didn't have to be equally 50/50, but it was important to me, as a person sharing my home (and my life) with another person, that they felt like they had a home too.

What we did in various cases - at the least, some of their pictures went up on the walls too. Some of their decorations came out. But at the most, with the person who ultimately was my partner for a number of years (Rachel), we repainted two rooms, got rid of a couple of old pieces of furniture, and picked some new out together, and some pieces she bought herself, that would be hers.

And the home felt like ours. Even if much of it was decorated by me originally, having her stuff in there too, that meant a lot to both of us.

For a bit less than a year, we sort of had a third roommate, who was a good friend of ours getting out of a bad breakup (there were only two bedrooms, and we were all close enough to sleep together, so we all kinda rotated through them, depending on who needed space, and who was sleeping at another partner's, or who had a partner sleeping over). In honor of our 3rd roommie breaking up with a really bad boyfriend, we also put a lot of her stuff on the walls, repainted a couple of trims, and added a few pieces of her furniture (I have a small storage unit, and it's easy for me to swap furniture in and out because of that). When she moved out, Rachel and I did a bit of redecorating/moving stuff about again.

So I'd suggest, based on that experience of living with other people, that if you're planning on being with them for a long time, why NOT participate in the decorating a bit? You use the kitchen, right? And the living room, the bathrooms, the backyard? Why WOULDN'T you participate in *some* of the decorating?

Have you brought that up to her at all? Are your styles compatible? What would feel good to you, or mean the most? Maybe having a couple of mugs that you love to use in the kitchen? Or if you spend a lot of time in the living room, maybe you and your meta could pick out the paint colors there together? Perhaps buying a blanket for the living room couch (or pulling one out that you already own and love) would help.

If you're living there full time, I really think you deserve to be a bit more involved in decorating the home, especially if you all plan to be there for years. IMO, as someone who's lived with a lot of people (and always been "in charge"), redecorating a little so it feels homey to someone else living there is very worth it, for the good feelings and love that it engenders. If I were so rigid about my decorating that I couldn't bear to have a few nick-nacks and a bit of furniture that wasn't mine in the home, then I shouldn't really live with other people.

I feel like a couple of questions like this have come up lately. If we've got a Secondary Bill of Rights that we talk about, in terms of basic human rights that secondary partners should always have, it would seem that we should also have some kind of Secondary Partner in the Home Bill of Rights, reminding us that if we can blend partners, and love lives, we can surely blend some furniture styles and paint colors.
 
How things are 4 months in

Hi nycindie!

I've been living here with them for right at 4 months now. I have to say that this is the most difficult and rewarding experience I have ever had.

Sometimes I think that even though we have a pretty good situation, maybe it's not for me because of my personality or the way I think but when I think about leaving that does not feel right at all. I guess I'm still settling in. There has been a lot going on during these 4 months (I lost a business, finally starting a normal job next week, I took advantage of time off work to detox myself off my restless legs medication and that was very difficult, my couple are still working on their relationship from the "cheating" incident so I hear his struggles and her frustrations and it gets to me, the holidays are here and trying to figure out how all this works in our situation etc... etc... etc... ) so I keep telling myself that once all the "extra" stuff calms down things will be better and feel better.

I have to learn to let things go and realize I can't fix everything. That's a hard one for me because I'm definitely a giver, I don't like tension and will let myself be walked on just to avoid conflict - I know she is not getting what she needs from him - he's trying, I see it but I'm worried the intimacy will never be there for them again - they have a great partnership/friendship but I'm worried it won't go any deeper again - I see it and she does too and then I struggle with having that intimacy/building my relationship with him under the same roof. She assures me that she's fine with me being here, she says if I wasn't here they probably wouldn't be together at all and she appreciates what they still have... I believe her but it's still so hard for me to be 100% how I would want to be with him knowing she wishes they had back what he and I have. Ugh......
 
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