Smelling the flowers

[Petunia]

Adjusting to cohabitation

Golden and I had some tense interactions last night. He was spoiling for a fight and I unwittingly stepped into the firing range it seems. I think I've now learned to keep silent when it comes to his divorce and custody issues. It's just not worth the price to voice an opinion that challenges his own. After a few minutes I told him I was done and that I was exiting the conversation. He then asked if I was willing to discuss the cooking situation. Reluctantly I said that yes, we could discuss it. He had sent me a text on Saturday when Bond and I were grocery shopping asking me if we could talk about it and I had postponed it. I've been doing the majority of the cooking since I moved in and I haven't discussed it with him. I just jumped in and took over. I was feeling uneasy about it already, so receiving the text made me feel like I was being called into the principal's office.

Background info: Golden's rent is cooking, cleaning, and other chores such as yard work. He's a PhD student, so his income is limited. When he moved in, Bond was over his head trying to single parent and keep up with all the house keeping stuff, so this was a great solution.

I should have declined to discuss the cooking situation with him at that time. I felt like emotions were heightened and I was on the defense, so it was really poor timing. I didn't want to postpone the discussion because I had already done so and it was starting to venture into a zone where he may feel it was one of those things that is off the table for some bizarre reason and I didn't want that.

He expressed how on the one hand it was nice to have me doing the cooking, but on the other hand it was incredibly stressful for him, because it's part of his rent and responsibility.

I can see why he was feeling stressed about the cooking situation. I did not communicated with him or made it a joint effort. I felt this in the pit of my stomach, but hadn't stopped myself. I just continued to push my way in and take ownership of something that wasn't up for grabs.

Earlier in the day yesterday I had entered some menu ideas into a calendar with links to the recipes. I color-coded entries to indicate if they were to be prepped the night before, as in the case of crockpot meals, or things like the lasagna, to make life easier. I had planned on sharing that with him to get his opinion and input. So, I had been planning on having a talk about this and I thought maybe we could come up with a joint effort that would work well for both of us and involve both of us. But I couldn't express this when I was feeling under attack last night, so it went unmentioned.

Last night I needed time to sort out my feelings, so I couldn't talk about it then. I am thankful that he gave me the time and space I asked for. Golden likes to press forward, so this isn't an easy thing for him to give.

We ate dinner, Bond wasn't home from work and Z took his food to the basement, because he was in the middle of a game, so it was Golden and his son and me. I swung the conversation to Halloween costumes and as soon as we finished eating we pulled the tote of costumes out and he started trying them on. For 12 he's a very broad shouldered young man and he barely fits into children's sized costumes. He settled on one and I suggested we go shopping for accessories right then so we cleared the table and went to Halloween Express. As soon as we returned home I shut myself in the bedroom. I just needed a buffer of space for a bit. I'm starting to think that Golden may be right that I may need a space of my own. I never anticipated feeling like I need to escape to a quiet place like I've been feeling since I moved in. It is noteworthy that every time I've felt like this it's been Golden induced.

I tried to watch TV, but I couldn't sort out the Dish Network interface, so I left it on music and opened up Facebook and just tried to relax. Bond sent a text saying he was on his way home right before Golden asked if he could come in to talk, so when he came home we had an awkward moment of him feeling like he should knock before walking in his own bedroom because he could hear Golden and me talking and the door was shut. Basically, Golden wanted to check up on me. It was a rather tender moment and I assured him I was fine, but just needed some alone time. He said he felt like he had hurt me somehow over the cooking discussion. I reiterated that I would be fine. He said I didn't answer if he had hurt me in some way and again I reiterated that I'd be okay. I was feeling close to crying and yes, I did feel hurt. I just couldn't identify the why behind my emotions. I had some insight, but I needed time to sort it out.

I went for a walk with Bond and Z and when we got back Golden was on the couch with The Walking Dead queued up, but not playing.

He said to me, "So, is it safe to say that you don't want to talk about [ex-wife], or my kids, or my divorce going forward."

I said, "No. It's a huge leap in thinking to jump to that conclusion."

He then corrected me with, "Just answer the question."

WHAT? I had answered the question. I said, "No."

I volleyed back with, "I did answer the question. I said no, and then I followed with another comment. I'm allowed to do that."

He has a penchant for playing out a conversation in his head and expecting you to follow his script like you have no brain of your own and your thoughts are going to mirror his exactly. He does this with his kids all the time. There are times when it doesn't matter what they say, he is going to correct them and tell them in what form they should have phrased their question or response. There are times when what they have said is so close to exactly what he wished them to say that it is confusing to understand where the difference lies.

I understand the desire to win an argument. I also acknowledge that there are times when one feels in the mood for a good fight, but these desires cannot override fair play if you want a relationship to remain healthy. I am not going to accept being coerced into compliance.

I walked out of the room and retreated to the bedroom again. This time with Bond and Z to watch Supergirl.

I barely slept last night. In the morning I woke feeling like I was being gas-lighted by Golden. I discussed it with Bond and he said that he understood why I felt like that. He said that in the past he was probably guilty of doing that with his wife, because he would not give her time to express herself and he felt like she wasn't really answering the question so he'd push relentlessly, and also because of a need to win an argument.

As far as the cooking situation goes, right now I think I just need to step away. I'm surprised how emotional I am feeling about this. I feel so sad. Like I'm experiencing a huge loss.

I think it comes down to feeling like I was interloping in a role in someone else's family. Like I adopted a role without asking if that was okay and am being told it's taken. This leaves me feeling at a loss as to how to be a part of this family. For me, it was an easy way to show my love and care and one I am familiar with.

I've never been in a situation where I wasn't the one responsible for the majority of the household chores, so this is new territory for me.

I will find other ways to fit in. This will actually make my life much easier and will help me feel less overwhelmed in the long run. It will all be okay. Once I shifted my thinking, I'm actually feeling optimistic about the possibilities.

 

[IndieSolo]

Petunia,
I think maybe you're feeling a little embarrassed that you didn't realize you'd stepped on Golden's toes there. It must've seemed to him like suddenly you were "paying his way," when he hadn't asked you to, even though I am sure he enjoyed you doing it. I think all you need to do is apologize for that and then make an offer -- ask him if he would let you do some cooking for the household once a week or on a special occasion, with his permission. It would be sort of like saying to someone, "I'd like to pay for one day's share of your rent every week." You can work on menus together, make it a happy thing.

As for needing alone time... if you need to be alone, you need to be more assertive about that.

You let him into your room to talk to you, and even though he was being tender, he wasn't accepting your answers. You kept saying you'd be fine and he kept wanting to know if he hurt you. You needed time before you could talk to him about it - so I think you should let him know that when you need space and time apart, it means YOU NEED SPACE AND TIME APART. He really wanted to come in and talk to you, but it seems to me he was wanting to talk mostly so that he felt better about what happened (less guilty, perhaps, for upsetting you, if he thought that was what he did) - however, he wasn't truly listening nor giving you the space and time you needed.

If I were you, I'd let him know that, going forward, if you aren't ready to talk, you might not let him in to discuss things next time. BUT it doesn't necessarily mean that you are hurt or angry -- although if you are feeling hurt or angry or whatever, that is okay and you just need to feel those things in order to move on -- but he should know that taking time to be alone simply means that you need to process stuff in your own way. He shouldn't try to fix it before you've even had a chance to sort things out inside yourself, and he needs to be patient and trust that you will come to him and talk to him about anything you feel you need to, in your own time.

 

[Petunia]

I think one component of why I'm having a hard time with the cooking is about ego. I am a very decent cook and Golden is not. The man makes the same four things on repeat and doesn't use spices. Last night I overheard Z telling Bond that the soup I served last night was his favorite soup. The week before he declared the chicken I made was his very favorite. I have been putting so much effort into creating things that will please the kids. Reaching them via food seems like one of the easiest ways to win them over. So, if this is partially a matter of ego, I need to let this shit go.

Another consideration that adds into this is a point that Bond brought up; Golden doesn't cook every night. If he's not feeling it, then he simply doesn't cook and there are many nights when he doesn't cook enough for everyone.

I had this feeling that I was lightening his burden, so that was a warm fuzzy. I also felt like by cooking for everyone I was really taking care of them. Another warm fuzzy for me. Added up, that's pretty self-serving.

So, turning this on its head, I'm going to think of all the opportunities this will create for me to do other things. I will have more time for fitness and for settling into the house. And working in the garden. More time for reading and doing things with friends.

I will not need to take on the responsibility for keeping the kitchen clean, planning meals, or cleaning the house. Golden has always done Bond's laundry, so maybe he'll take on mine, too. They are in the same laundry basket after all. It's hard to imagine a life where someone takes care of you like this. If I shift my thinking and find the positives life could be pretty sweet. More me time.

Another positive that comes to mind is that I think I will feel like I can enjoy the kids more.

Also, being less harried will likely result in being a better partner. That's a win.

My son is bringing his girlfriend to the house on Sunday to meet me. I had thought I'd make a big Sunday dinner, but now I'm trying to re-frame what the day will be. Who knows what we'll eat or if the house will look presentable, but those things don't really matter. What it will allow is for more connecting with him and really engaging his girlfriend in conversation. By letting go of the homemaking it can open up energy for other things. I'll just need to mentally let go of things and not let disarray wear me down. My mind is most settled when my home is in order, so this will take a fair amount of energy to still feel good if things are chaotic and messy. I kind of want to cry over not being able to do this for him. I'm used to being super mom and attempting to deliver on everything. In my heart I want to kill the proverbial fatted calf and have a feast for my prodigal son.

I need to remind myself that sometimes I end up feeling harried as a result, so there are big pluses in removing that responsibility from myself.

I just wonder how this will be interpreted by my son. Will he think I didn't care enough to prepare for his visit? Will he be embarrassed? Maybe I should take them out for dinner.

I know that there should be room for compromise if I'll let it. I could strike an agreement with Golden that I cook certain days and he cooks others, but I'm not sure if at this time I'm going to be able to find a middle ground simply because it has become so emotionally charged. I think I need to take myself completely out of the cooking arena for now.

Maybe by Sunday we'll have found that middle ground.

 

[Petunia]

Petunia,
I think maybe you're feeling a little embarrassed that you didn't realize you'd stepped on Golden's toes there. It must've seemed to him like suddenly you were "paying his way," when he hadn't asked you to, even though I am sure he enjoyed you doing it. I think all you need to do is apologize for that and then make an offer -- ask him if he would let you do some cooking for the household once a week or on a special occasion, with his permission. It would be sort of like saying to someone, "I'd like to pay for one day's share of your rent every week." You can work on menus together, make it a happy thing.

As for needing alone time... if you need to be alone, you need to be more assertive about that.

You let him into your room to talk to you, and even though he was being tender, he wasn't accepting your answers. You kept saying you'd be fine and he kept wanting to know if he hurt you. You needed time before you could talk to him about it - so I think you should let him know that when you need space and time apart, it means YOU NEED SPACE AND TIME APART. He really wanted to come in and talk to you, but it seems to me he was wanting to talk mostly so that he felt better about what happened (less guilty, perhaps, for upsetting you, if he thought that was what he did) - however, he wasn't truly listening nor giving you the space and time you needed.

If I were you, I'd let him know that, going forward, if you aren't ready to talk, you might not let him in to discuss things next time. BUT it doesn't necessarily mean that you are hurt or angry -- although if you are feeling hurt or angry or whatever, that is okay and you just need to feel those things in order to move on -- but he should know that taking time to be alone simply means that you need to process stuff in your own way. He shouldn't try to fix it before you've even had a chance to sort things out inside yourself, and he needs to be patient and trust that you will come to him and talk to him about anything you feel you need to, in your own time.

Thanks, NYCindie. I think you're right about being more firm about standing up for my need for space and processing time. From what he's told me about past relationships he's better about it with me than he typically is, but if I need more time and space than what he's allowing then I need to assert myself to make sure that boundary is honored.

Good points on his viewpoint on the cooking. I'm sure I'd feel funny having someone pay my way.

 

[Petunia]

It's ironic that Golden didn't have time to cook this evening. He also didn't have time to read the email I sent him this morning. He asked if I wanted to talk later. I said no, not until you've read the email. He then asked me if I just wanted to tell him what was in the email. I declined. I can't talk about it and I'm annoyed he couldn't take two minutes to read it.

We're supposed to have a sleepy time date tonight. I don't want to. Sounds childish, I know.

 

[Petunia]

Last night sucked big time.

Golden sent me a PDF made from my email which he had pasted into Word and then added comments. In the PDF the comments wouldn't expand, so I could only read the first part of each comment. He offered up his laptop for me to read what he had written, because mine doesn't have Word on it and Google docs couldn't handle the comments either.

After reading what he wrote I realized that I didn't hear him correctly.

I heard heard this:

He said to me, "So, is it safe to say that you don't want to talk about [ex-wife], or my kids, or my divorce going forward."

I said, "No. It's a huge leap in thinking to jump to that conclusion."

He then corrected me with, "Just answer the question."​

What I got wrong was the last part where I thought he said, "Answer the question, not a statement."

What he actually said was, "That's a question, not a statement."

Golden's voice is low and he's incredibly hard to hear and understand. His words tend to blend. I have gotten better at deciphering his speech, but I often ask him to repeat himself.

Once I realized where the misunderstanding was and how things had gone off the rails it all made sense and I immediately dismissed the feeling that he was gas-lighting me. I only considered that he may be using tactics that fell into that realm, because it didn't make sense and had me thinking I was going nuts.

I read through his comments about the cooking. He thinks the cooking calendar is a fantastic idea and would like to collaborate our cooking efforts.
It seems that I was already feeling so under attack from the conversation about his ex that I wasn't capable of hearing what he was saying. On top of that this was a conversation I was already nervous about having. I was extremely nervous when it actually took place seeing as he had just directed his anger for the situation with his ex at me. Ugh.

I can't really explain it well without sharing what I wrote and his comments as he read it, and I need to get to his final comment to show how fucked up this has gotten.

What I wrote was in a couple paragraphs, but in order to show his comments to individual sentences, I am indenting what I wrote and then inserting his comments.

I think it comes down to feeling like I was interloping in a role in someone else's family. Like I adopted a role without asking if that was okay and am being told it's taken.​

Golden: I think I understand what you are saying.

This leaves me feeling at a loss as to how to be a part of this family.​

Golden: I WANT you to be a part of my family. I want us to BE A family!!!

For me, it was an easy way to show my love and care and one I am familiar with.​

Golden: I love this about you!!!!

I will find other ways to fit in.​

Golden: I am extremely sad about this. I don’t want you to change. I just want to better understand you and communicate… i.e. lets talk. I am NOT trying for things to be “my way” or whatever else I hear you implying I am doing.

The only change I ask is that we communicate, share our feelings and be vulnerable with each other. I was being vulnerable with you by sharing my feelings about the affect the change in cooking responsibilities was having on me. I do NOT have an ideal concept of cooking in mind.

I thought I made this clear last night. I said, I wanted to talk and figure out what we are doing. I even said I would be fine with cooking what you planned... this was intended as an example of my flexibility with what ever solution we came up with.

I really don’t understand how you took my words and thought I was trying to mental abuse you. I am NOT saying you are wrong. I am sharing my perception of the events as *I* remember them. I am surprised at the hurt I feel you are going through. {NOTE: I never considered this mental abuse. He somehow conflated the two issues.}

I am very sorry. I love you and do not want you harmed.

This will actually make my life much easier and will help me feel less overwhelmed in the long run. ​

Golden: In this moment, I feel this choice of action would have the opposite affect for me. I am NOT suggesting you must change your mind. I am sharing how I feel at this moment.

It will all be okay.​

Golden: This is extremely far from ok for me and I no longer feel comfortable in this living arrangement.

Once I shifted my thinking, I'm actually feeling optimistic about the possibilities.​

After reading that I went to the kitchen and put together the lasagna I had thought he would cook for dinner so he could bake it tonight. Fuck, I'm an idiot for being so defensive about the cooking.

Part II of the Magnificently Awful Night will have to wait.

 

[Petunia]

Part II of the Magnificently Awful Night

This is getting hard to recall, because time is passing.

Golden wanted to talk and the only place we could come up with to have a private conversation was sitting in his car in the garage. Such a bad decision. When things get uncomfortable, I need space. I need to be able to step away for a bit and deal with shit. So, about 10 minutes into a craptastic discussion I closed his laptop and put it on the dash and got out of the car, walked back into the house, through the breakfast nook, through the living room where Bond and Z were watching television, all the way to the master bedroom bathroom. As I was doing this I was kind of in shock at my behavior. I never leave an argument and just walk out in the middle of something. I stay and face things no matter what. Except this time. What the fuck?! After a couple of deep breaths, I retraced my steps and rejoined Golden in the car.

All I remember is feeling a spike of anger and frustration as he was talking and bam! I was out of that car and on my way into the house. I'm finding his style of confrontation intensely annoying. I'm not allowed to interject anything while he is talking, which is the polite thing to do, but because of his lengthy discourse I forget points that I want to address by the time I have the floor.

He has always told me that he is too logical, and because of his ADD brain he processes things quickly - usually too quickly for others to keep up with. However, when I explained figuring out the difference between what he said and what I heard and now that that was clear I no longer felt like he was gas-lighting me, he could not let go of it. He still wanted to spend time discussing how hurtful and confusing it was to be accused of causing me mental abuse as if I was still accusing him. I explained my thought process repeatedly and he still clung to his original "poor Golden" attitude. Fuck that. Out of the car.

I'm also having a hard time with his self-created crisis over his kids' mother's lack of communication, therefore in his mind her lack of sound judgement problem. How this became an issue with her lack of communication when the thing that ignited him was learning the kids have spent the night with her at her boyfriends and also that he has spent the night at her house, I don't know. There isn't a good way to say, "Hey, this urgency and crisis mode you've thrown yourself into is of your own making."

Earlier that day he spent six hours drafting an email which he sent to the multitude of professional people that they are dealing with due to the situation with their kids. Last night he told me that he talked with one of the lawyers who he has had a very good rapport with to date. He was a bit miffed that 1.) the lawyer told him he wasn't going to take the time to read his letter unless he could tell him that it was related directly to X. Which it was not. 2.) He pretty much called Golden a hypocrite, which Golden did not appreciate.

Anyway, back to the car discussion.

Most of our discussion centered around dissecting every facet of my emotional response to each and every exchange we had that night. Oiy vey! I don't feel the need to do this. I am an empathetic person, so I generally read a situation and emotions at lightening speed. It was exhausting to do this with him. If it helps him learn more about me and how to handle things, then I guess that's a win.

What I learned is that I need to ask for clarification when something seems to be illogical. Or at least that's the theory.

I tried to do this with him last night about the kid crisis situation. Initially his upset was about the overnights, but the next day he said the issue was lack of communication. By trying to get him to clarify what the issue was and what he hoped the outcome would be all he could say was that he didn't know, but he wanted it to bring it to their attention to see what they thought of it. The crux of it is that she broke the rule they agreed upon early on (they've been separated for a year, very close to being divorced) that basically said, "No introducing the kids to love interests, or telling the kids you are dating, until the divorce has been final for a year", or maybe it was, "No dating until the divorce has been final for a year." Seems that this changes depending on when he's talking about it. This was something the kids' therapists and divorce lawyers pushed. I actually believe they were told to not date in that first year of the divorce being final. I think Golden changed it to, "No introducing the kids to love interests, or telling the kids you are dating" in order to still be able to have his emotional needs met. So, his wife is being forthright with their kids (honest) and he's skirting the issue (hiding his dating), but still dating.

In early October he asked the lawyer with whom he had the good rapport with for his input on how the courts would look upon the fact that I was both his girlfriend and Bond's. They had already been informed I'd be moving in, they just didn't know we had a romantic relationship. He was advised to present it to his divorce lawyer. As you can imagine she about flipped. She advised against it, told him that the courts would look on it unfavorably, and suggested he consult with a therapist of her suggestion.

The next time he saw his daughter's social worker she led the discussion with, "So, I hear there is bad news about Petunia."

Which he denied. And we've all taken a stance to deny any question about Golden and me having a relationship should it come to that.

So, it's not too surprising that the one lawyer called him a hypocrite.

I'm really worried that he's about to open a can of worms and bring the law into our household. This could really ripple outward like a stone dropped in a pond. Bond and his wife have always tried to fly below the radar when it comes to raising kids as polyamorists parents. The last thing Bond wants is to have his relationship style examined by the courts and risk anything with his kids.

I think Golden is deluding himself that what he's feeling isn't a of lack of control over his ex's actions. I remember what it was like when I had to trust my ex would make decisions with the best of intentions regarding parenting, especially when I had little faith in him at that point. Golden really disliked it when I asked him if he was hoping the courts would force his ex into communicating with him. He was also unhappy when I asked him if it was preferable that she leave the kids home alone until 2 am so that she could see her boyfriend (which she has done numerous times), over having him to the house or taking the kids with her to his. Because the way things are, both of he and his ex always have one of their two kids. Neither one of them has a kid-free weekend/day. How is she supposed to have a relationship under those circumstances? He doesn't care. She's breaking a rule which was stressed upon them and therefore his kids are being harmed.

After he went to bed he sent me this IM:

In the future if I talk to you about my divorce, please just listen. I don't want to fight with you or problem solve.

I need a person I can vent to and have my feelings acknowledged. I think that is all I need really need, which is to be listened to and supported.

What are your thoughts?​

My response:

I can try to do that for you. I'm not sure I can keep quiet if I am worried that you are making a decision that may hurt you or your children, or this household and in turn Bond's family. If it's just divorce discussion and you need to vent I can listen without commentary.​

 

[Petunia]

Last night Bond and I were supposed to have a date night, but his boss caught him on his way out the door with a couple of bug fixes that needed to be taken care of ASAP, so he was there for another hour. By the time he got home at 7:30 he was tired and so was I. He looked so tired. He was willing to go out, but I didn't have the heart to drag him out. Instead we ate lasagna and watched two two episodes of Sense8.

Before Bond got home Golden asked if I had plans for later. When I looked at him blankly, he said, "Where are you going to sleep? You canceled our sleepy-time date last night." Seriously? I was feeling so much discord with him at the moment that I couldn't believe he was asking me to come sleep with him after my date with Bond.

All three of us watched the first episode together. I had a guy on each side of me and the hand-holding went a long ways to improving the atmosphere between Golden and me. My mind was half occupied with thoughts of agreeing to sleeping in his room, but mostly I felt dread that he was going to press me about it. He never brought it up again and neither did I.

Anyway, back to the date night that never happened. I am sad about not getting to have a date with Bond. Most of our time together is kid-centric and I miss having special solo time with him. Recently there is one night a week that he is kid-free, which has been falling on Wednesdays. Bond has already said that he thinks next week he and Bea will be seeing each other on Wednesday, so it'll be two weeks at a minimum until he and I can capitalize on it now. I feel so needy and all I can do is blame it on NRE.

The upside is that Bond's work demands should be lessening. They shipped the game last night. There will be revisions, but the big push is done now. This game has been a nightmare from the time they got it dropped on them. Just a big flaming bag of poo. It was created by a new company and had so many kludgy fixes it wasn't funny. The new company was about to fail to get it out the door, so they got called in to rescue it. Fixing one cluster fuck would set off a domino reaction in other parts of the code that were build on the hack they had just fixed.

 

[Petunia]

Holiday weekend achievement unlocked. Check.

I am so exhausted. I think this may be my new normal following weekends. Holy crap four kids can wear one down. Although, it may be that the past two weekends were especially tiring because they were both focused on Halloween; shopping for costumes and going to the pumpkin patch, and carving pumpkins and a craft (making spooky eyes from toilet paper tubes and glow sticks) and then Trick or Treating. Not to mention that I moved in three weekends ago. Most of my stuff was there before the official move-in date, but I couldn't put much of it away until my furniture was there. So, three weekends of busy-busy activity.

Oh, I just remembered that I cleaned the house I moved out of and did the walk-through with the landlords Friday night, too. That was a frenzied afternoon/evening. My roommate, Tara, was still hauling things out when I got there at 3:15. I don't get it. She was able to start moving into her new place on the 17th, but here she was just hours away from our deadline and she had four carloads to move still. Ugh. She doesn't even have a job, so what the fuck? Golden met me at the house and was there until 4:30 which was a lot of help. I kept my cool, so all the #@$%&*!!! was internal. LOL.

As I was about to leave for home I posted to Facebook that "I deserved a big fucking drink!" Because I couldn't very well say how fucking annoyed I was that she had left things down to the last second seeing as we are Facebook friends. That turned into some really funny comments being posted because a friend misread it and got the last word wrong...she didn't see the "r" in drink. Woot! Love my friends and their dirty minds. The upside is that Bond handed me a delicious Ginger Rogers when I walked in the door.

Yesterday I accomplished quite a bit, so I consider that a success. I was cleaning up the kitchen in the morning when I mentioned to Bond that I thought it was time to tackle the stove and exhaust hood. He jumped right into helping me clean it and he even went further than I dared by taking the incredibly greasy filter out and washing it. He said that when they moved into the house the stove/exhaust had a bad grease smell and he thought he had either eliminated most of the smell via cleaning, or altered it via the kinds of food they cooked, but that he could still smell it some. All I know is that you couldn't see through the glass in the shield that pulls out. Ick. It is so clean now and it makes me so happy.

Bond and I rearranged the mirror room (formal living room) as best we could. He gave me permission to get rid of two things that have seen better days and to put pictures of my family on the glass shelves that front the mirrors. He has some family pictures up there already. I think we may blend all of them together. Not sure on that yet. We may end up grouping them by family. I'm sure it'll all look just fine and I'll be happy that one more box will be tackled. I eliminated two boxes in our bedroom yesterday, hauled three boxes down the basement, and put up my jewelry on those little plastic hooks/hangers that you can remove by pulling the tab without damaging the wall, you know the kind, right? The master bathroom has two large mirrors over each sink and on each side of those mirrors are narrow (12" wide) mirrors that are hinged so you can angle them out in a semi-circle. I put the removable hooks on the wall behind one of the hinged mirrors so they are totally hidden until the mirror is swung out. I love it!

Beatdown practice was from 2-4 pm yesterday and M was there. We talked when she first got there and it was nice. Partway through Beatdown she came up to get her lip balm out of the bathroom. I was doing the jewelry thing at the time, so we talked a bit more. She told me that I could move her stuff to another drawer if I needed the space. I assured her it was just fine where it was and conversation lead into me telling her that everyone missed her being around and that she needed to be at the house more often. I hope that helps pave the way to a smoother future and I hope she comes around more often, because it would be so nice for Bond.

 

[Petunia]

I'd Rather Be Blue

OMG, I forgot to mention that we dyed Bond's hair blue. I was surprised to find him bleached almost white/golden when Golden and I returned home from the Polycocktails/Sex Geekdom meetup Thursday night. We completed phase two Saturday. He wanted the color to go from one color into the next, but he didn't want to "look like a flag" with very defined demarcation. He finally decided upon blue and purple. We put a peek-a-boo spot of purple in the top that goes into his Mohawk and also the lower nape section at the back of his head in purple. The rest is dark blue, but even the blue tones seem to change in intensity. He had me use the same brush and didn't want me to clean it out between colors, so there are streaks where it's blue-purple. Overall, it's verra cool! I posted a pic on Facebook and friends' comments have ranged from "Dude, your hair! I approve." to "Yeah, digging the rock and roll Tin Tin look!" (he looks SO much like Tin Tin) to "Galaxy hair for the win!" to "Conan O'Brien! You're Conan O'Brien!" which had more to do with the expression on his face and his general similarities than his hair color. He is loving it.

So, crazy boyfriend didn't shampoo his hair - just used creme rinse Saturday, and then didn't shower Sunday before Beatdown, so yeah...blue forehead from sweating. LOL. Nice. Living with a smurf.

Disclosure: I paint hair like I do walls. There will be paint in places there shouldn't be paint! We had to clean the white tile when I got done. And the sink. And the counter top. And the two of us. Slow your roll, Grl!

 

[Petunia]

 

[Petunia]

Scarleteen

Last night I went to a presentation by Scarleteen to our Sex Positive Parenting meetup group. It was very interesting. Having raised three kids, I can look back and see where I could have done a better job discussing sex, relationships, boundaries and consent with them. I've always been sex positive, but sometimes that isn't enough.

My oldest was fairly easy to talk to, but I realize now that I could have created an even more inviting atmosphere for her to come to me with questions. What breaks my heart is that I didn't discuss how to determine if a relationship is healthy, or about boundaries and consent. I think I expected her to recognize the example I was modeling and I thought that would be enough. She married a man who was verbally and physically abusive (now divorced.)

My middle child was very closed off to discussing anything of a private nature, including sex and relationships. In recent times we are able to talk about relationships, but I really feel that I failed him in many ways by allowing his push-back to shut down conversations.

My youngest child (six and eight years younger than his siblings) was the easiest to talk to about sex, relationships, consent and boundaries. We had countless discussions - usually when we were driving to appointments, and yet I still find there are things I didn't think to express.

Looking back I can see that as my awareness of life/relationships/society expanded how that helped me become a better parent. It's especially evident when I compare how I interacted with each child. Sometimes I regret having my kids so young and when I do this is one of the reasons why. Today my oldest (30) and youngest (22) are very forthright and comfortable talking to me about sex and relationships. My middle child (28) is becoming comfortable talking about relationships and life with me. I'm not sure if we'll ever progress to him being comfortable talking about sex. That train may have left the station.

Now that I'm back to parenting younger kids, but this time in a stepparent type role, I want to do a better job. I find it alarming that Bond has barely talked to his 14 year old about sex and has not said anything to the younger two, ages 12 and 9. Thankfully, Golden is proactively talking to his children, ages 12 and 9.

Because I'm not their parent, and because I have been in their lives less than a year, I feel like anything I may say could come off as creepy. I think I should give things some time to build more history between us first and then saying something as simple as, "I want you to know that although I'm not your parent, if you ever have questions about sex or your body or anything else you are curious or worried about, that you can come to me and ask. I may not know the answer, but I can help you to find the answer."

I plan on buying a couple of books; one geared towards high school and older, and another for tweens. I think Bond would be comfortable presenting his boys with books and going over them with them more than he is with having a conversation with no guidelines.

Here is Scarleteen's resource page for parents: http://www.scarleteen.com/scarleteen_confidental_a_resource_toolbox

 

[Petunia]

Golden and I finally talked about our craptastic fight last night. I think we're starting to get a handle on where and why things went off the rails.

He said that he figured out what his upset was about his ex taking the kids to her boyfriend's house and having him spend the night. He is jealous that she has that freedom, because of her mono-normative relationship style. Now that he's identified the monster he is able to find his silver-lining; we get to see one another more often and although we can't be open about our relationship in front of his kids we do have a lot of access to one another that other living arrangements and relationship styles wouldn't allow.

He's recognizing that he can't say he's shifting gears from one topic to the next and not bring the heightened emotions along with it.

I'm realizing how nervous I am about fighting with him or Bond. This took me by surprise, so I couldn't forewarn him. I realize now that I have not had a relationship that was this involved since things went south with Twitch. The last 18 months of that relationship were filled with fights. Reactions kept escalating in an attempt to be heard. So, while the majority of my relationship interactions have been rather sedate and that's how I think I react, my current reality is that I hit the panic button and my emotions spike.

Golden has asked that if he's pushing on something and I need space before I can address it that I ask him for that. I will try to remember that going forward. He said he's much better about letting go of things that what he used to be, but he still has room to grow. He said that a professor once described him as a Pit bull. That made me smile, and he said he didn't know much about the breed, so he couldn't judge if that was accurate or not. I explained that a Pit bull can lock its jaw and you can't break their hold, so yeah, he's tenacious like that. He wants to dig in and not back off until things are resolved to his satisfaction.

I am going to work on listening to him when he's venting without offering problem solving.

Also, if something seems peculiar and like it just doesn't fit, I need to question him, because I may have misunderstood.

 

[Petunia]

My daughter and her boyfriend have been struggling mightily the past four months or so. His sister died in May in a car accident and they took her two sons into their home. The oldest is 18 and is mentally handicapped and on Social Security. The youngest is 14. It's been challenging to say the least. Her boyfriend has also been out of work since last winter and I think his sense of self is getting tattered. He has a history of short monogamous relationships, i.e., serial monogamy, with quite a liberal sprinkling of cheating.

This morning my daughter sent me a series of texts saying that as a last ditch effort to save their relationship they are opening it up. She thinks that if he can just be honest and stop the lies that she'll be able to cope. I am concerned, because I don't think she is in the right mental space to be able to handle an open relationship. I don't think either of them really understand the relationship style that well. They have already instituted rules and I wasn't surprised to learn which ones.

Text from my daughter:

"He is allowed to talk, flirt and go on a date with a female as long as he's open about it and honest. I have the power to veto the person. Safe sex, we come first etc.

And if I choose to, I can date a girl but he's not comfortable with me being with another guy right now"​

Classic.

I asked her if it would be okay if I sent them two books and she said yes. I immediately got on Amazon and ordered the books and they'll be delivered to their house; More Than Two and Opening Up, A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships.

 

[fuchka]

Eep! That is concerning but it was kind of you to send them those books. It's good that your daughter is able to talk with you about this. Hope at least she is savvy enough to know whether or not it's working for her.

 

[Petunia]

Eep! That is concerning but it was kind of you to send them those books. It's good that your daughter is able to talk with you about this. Hope at least she is savvy enough to know whether or not it's working for her.

Exactly! I'm really concerned. I have been telling myself that at the very least she'll have learned a lot about herself in the process. It's definitely a personal growth journey.

 

[Petunia]

Golden

Backstory: Wednesday night Golden had a date with Titania, and Bond had a date with Bea, and I had a Girls' Night with one of my besties, Michelle. Golden said they were having a scheduled talk about how their relationship was going and that he'd be home fairly early, so I could sleep with him. Once we buy a sleeper sofa and build the sliding door for the mirror room I won't be displaced when Bond has a guest, but until then we're hoping we can make accommodations that work for everyone.

So, as it turns out Bond got home from his date around 9:15. I got home around 10:00 pm. A little after 11 PM Bond asked me if I wanted to sleep with him, and I declined, saying that Golden was expecting me, so I should stick with what we had on the schedule. We both went to bed. I was still awake an hour later, even though I took a sleeping pill. I was just too cold to fall asleep. I had been checking Golden's location periodically to see if he was on his way home, but he was still there. At midnight I checked again, still there. I contemplated sending him a message to see if he had an idea of when he'd be home, but I really hated to intrude on his time. His date with Titania was set up prior to me being added to his calendar and I was only added as a courtesy. I was really worried that it was getting later and the number of hours of sleep I could possibly get that night was getting smaller and smaller. At midnight I got out of bed and went upstairs, stripped out of my pajamas and climbed in bed with Bond. His body heat immediately started to warm me and as I relaxed I could feel the sleeping pill starting to do its work. My limbs became heavy and my breathing slowed as my body relaxed and I started to drift into slumber. And then my phone lit up as a message from Golden came in.

G: I'm on my way home!!

Me: I just climbed in bed with Bond. I was too cold to fall asleep.

G: So, where are you sleeping tonight?

Me: Upstairs.

G: So you have decided to cancel our plans??

Me: It's midnight.

G: Meaning?

Me: Yes. I'm tired. I couldn't fall asleep. I tried. Morning will be here before I'm ready.

G: Fine you have made your choice. This is now the third time you have deliberately canceled our plan to be together.

G: I'm angry and very hurt.

Me. Fine. I'll get back up and come down.

G: I am angry. I don't know if I want to sleep with you.

G: I am open to talking and seeing what happens from there.

Me: Well I won't be able to sleep tonight now either way.​

I got up and went downstairs and climbed into his bed and waited for him to come home. It's a 20 minute drive from Titania's to the Beach. I didn't think I'd be able to sleep, because of the emotionally charged atmosphere, but the sleeping pill was doing its job and I could barely stay awake to talk. I explained that I simply wanted to be able to sleep and I was too cold to fall asleep so I had gone upstairs. He asked me why I hadn't gotten another blanket for the bed and that's when I dimly remembered that he kept an extra blanket in his closet. I believe he told me that last spring.

In the morning Bond and I were talking about this as we got showered. He made a suggestion that going forward we are more clear if we are scheduling time together and purposefully scheduling a sleepy-time date, or if it's just a matter of logistics and need that is why we are sleeping together so that emotional attachment to the event is aligned with the other. I think that makes sense.

Golden and I had lunch together the next day (yesterday) so we could talk. The more we talked the more depressed I felt about us. I feel like we are doomed. He catalogs and inventories each transgression. It reminds me of someone creating a relational database with intermediate tables linking events and reactions by types. Just run a query to pull back all the records that fit the parameters and you're loaded with data to support your claim.

He said that there have been 4 times when I have canceled our night together. The first being the time was when I misunderstood where we were going to be and then was too tired to drive. The next two happened last week when we were fighting, and the fourth the night before. He says that each time has had different circumstances and that while not related they've all caused emotional pain and damage. How can a relationship survive collateral damage when one partner holds onto wrongs so tightly. I will not win life under these circumstances. I address things, attempt to resolve the issue and then dismiss it. It takes a lot of work for me to bring it back up for examination later.

On our walk back to my building Golden said that although he hadn't had an opportunity to look at the invites I had sent him that morning, he wanted to know how I approached scheduling.

I try to take into account what Bond's schedule is, what M's days off of work are in case they haven't yet scheduled, but may, how many days between our (Golden/me) days/nights together, check to see that Bond is getting consecutive nights if possible, check to see what Golden has for availability, take into consideration if his other dates may take him away from his kids, because he doesn't like leaving them more than one night a week, and then I consider myself and if my needs are being met.

I'm not sure that I was able to articulate all the things that go into the process. I did mention that I usually look at what Bond has going and then go from there. That I try to look at what his (Golden's) schedule is and how many days between dates. That I've had to schedule things without knowing Bond's schedule because he's gotten so lax about scheduling and even if he does send an invitation to M or Bea that they often don't respond, so it's really a gray area.

He said that he doesn't envy me having to do that and that he's not saying my way is wrong. He then told me that it rankles him that Bond wants two nights in a row, but then schedules things with M on a Monday and with Bea on a Wednesday, thus breaking his consecutive night thing. I find it unreasonable that this is an issue for Golden seeing as we are all making compromises to accommodate other's schedules. It may be Bond's preference to have two nights in a row with me, but it doesn't mean that he can always make that happen. It's simply a preference. Do I have to honor that? No, but I will when possible, because that's what partners do - just like I am trying to give him the number of nights per week he desires and also spreading our time throughout the week so that he doesn't hit his four day wall.

He said that he doesn't like feeling that he gets whatever days are left once Bond's schedule is taken into consideration.

As we were walking he explained that he had plans for the 14th (Saturday) that he hadn't put on the calendar and he was waiting for Titania to let him know if they were going together or not (their mutual friend is having a party), so he couldn't respond to the Friday night invitation until he knew what was happening with the other. I was really disappointed, but I just smiled and said, okay. Let me know when you know. I was glad I hadn't already purchased the tickets.

By the time we reached my building I was fighting back the tears. I had felt so good in the morning when I was sending him date invitations. I hadn't taken Bond's calendar into consideration at all. I hadn't check to see which days M had off of work nor had I spent time speculating which days they might be getting together. I had focused on the fact that he was going to be gone from early Tuesday AM to late Thursday PM at a conference in S.F. I wanted time before he left and when he got back if possible. He and Titania have plans for Saturday night, so I picked Sunday night. We are having a group dinner Sunday evening with Titania and her kids, but I figured we could spend time together afterwards. I didn't want to schedule anything for Monday night, because I didn't want to be woken up at ridiculous-early-o'clock Tuesday morning. I debated on Friday vs Saturday nights, because I wondered if he would want to spend time with his son after having been gone most of the week, but then I reasoned that we could wait until he went to bed if necessary. I sent the invitations and then thought, hey, how about going a step further and looking for something really fun to do and suggest that? So, I looked at the [local paper's online] calendar of events and then I checked the [bar/music venue's] calendar and found something for Friday night and updated the invitation.

Let's do something fun! Let's celebrate you being home again!

[link to event]

I'll get tickets. What say you?​

I was hurt that despite having done all the things he wishes I'd do and having not done any of the things he wishes I didn't do, I had still disappointed him, if only because he hadn't taken the time to look at the invites and reflect on them. And that despite not having had time to look at the invites, he still went into discussion with me about it.

I sent him an email about it and once it was sent I felt a lot better.

 

[Petunia]

Bond

Bond came home from work with a new PS4 with COD: Black Ops III. His company gave one to everyone on his team, because they had worked on the game. Non-team members were given other new release games, but without the PS4. Today is pretty much a party day at work for him - release party. It's one of the many reasons his company is on Fortune’s 100 Best Companies to Work For list. Yesterday for a $2.00 charity contribution I could have worn jeans. I was excited because we only get this opportunity a couple of times a year, and then I forgot. My workplace will never hit a Top 100 list for best anything.

B and Rob came to the house last night before we went out to eat. It was fun giving them a tour. B said she'd get lost in there and I have to admit sometimes I make a wrong turn in the basement when I am taking something to a closet.

We had so much fun! We went to a mediocre restaurant in the city we are adjacent to and then onto a tap house in the same city. The vibe in these establishments is SO different than it is in our city. Our normal haunts are wacky and the kind of places that hipsters frequent, whereas these places were quite proper. When we walked into the tap house everyone turned to look, one by one they stopped what they were doing and checked us out. Bond whispered in my ear that they all either wanted to be me or with me. Nice.

And we overslept this morning. Yikes!

 

[Petunia]

Follow-up email from Golden

It is late so I am tried and will try to keep this brief.

Thank you for being proactive!!! It means a lot to me you are trying to fine a middle ground. I can only imagine how hard this is on you.

In terms of this week I understand your decision to offer Sunday instead of Friday night. Know that I don't like Sunday or Monday nights for dates night. They work well for sleepy time, but those are nights and sometimes Wednesday nights too, where I have to work.

Bottom line: I miss you and it feels like to me that we don't go out on enough actually dates. I don't want to fall in a habit of staying at home or being force to choose spending time with you and or study. I don't like it and it doesn't feel fair to you.

For this week, let's keep what you suggested and talk about scheduling preferences later, ok?

I hear you are hurt and I am sorry! I hear that you worked really hard at scheduling only to have me criticize you and be disappointed in you despite what you had done.

I am so very sorry!!! I was so wrapped up in other thoughts I didn't realize, what now seems obvious, that your calendar invites were proof of your intent to address my feelings about scheduling.

I fucked up. You did not deserve to hear my feelings and be criticized in that way. Although my actions were unintentional I still apologize for the emotion effect of my mistake.

Can I make it up to you?

In regards to 11/14, my only plans are to go to a party. The only tentative part is if I am going alone or not. I will have an answer for you tomorrow.

If I asked you, would you be interested in accompanying me to the party on Sat 14th? If yes, would you want to do 13th and 14th, or pick only one?

Ps: I LOVE the idea of us celebrating my return!!!

Pss: I would really like to have a date with you this week or on Monday... I really miss you and hate the idea of no date this week or next until after I get back from my trip. I am going through Petunia withdraw.

I love you!
​

 

[Petunia]

My Reply

Are you saying that Thursday, Friday, and Saturday are your preferred date nights? (Tuesday nights you have class.)

Are there nights you wish to avoid for sleepy-time nights? What time do you want to put down on the calendar for sleepy-time nights? 9? 10? What is realistic so that you get enough study time?

If you would like me to accompany you on the 14th, then my answer is yes. And yes, I'd still like to do the 13th.

We can have a date tonight or Monday night. That would be fun and I'd like to have the time with you before you go. I'd rather not sleep in your bed Monday night so that I'm not awake at 5:00 am or earlier.

Love you. ​