Smelling the flowers

In exasperation I posted a quote to my Facebook wall this morning.

If they do it often, it isn't a mistake; it's just their behavior.- Dr. Steve Maraboli​

Golden's posts on it:

Agreed.

I would add that it is important to check the assumption that it is a mistake.

IMO, a mistake suggests that someone did something 'wrong', which the common meaning, and is judgmental.

Further to imply someone is wrong is to endorse a unequal power dynamic.

There is nothing wrong with an unequal power dynamic... However, if not careful the power dynamic can be used as a weapon against the other.

The aggression can, I believe, happen from either party and can be direct or passive in nature.​

to which I replied, "^ that"

And then he added this:

In short, before you act on your assumption it is ideal to understand what you perceive as a 'mistake'.

For example, perhaps what you perceive as a mistake is actually a course of action which has the affect of harming you.

Is it a mistake that you feel harmed?

If you feel harmed is it the wrong doing of the person committing the action? Maybe. The harm you feel could also be your own doing and you are unwilling to accept it.

Maybe this has nothing to do with harm, but the need to be right? Or maybe the need to not be wrong?

There are nearly limitless reasons for thinking a another is 'wrong'.

If you are going to label someone else, I think it is first important to establish the issue isn't *your* own doing, whether you intended it or not.

If you are not careful the 'mistake behavior' you perceive could be you and not the other person. ​
 
Continuation of texts between Golden and me about him allowing his daughter to climb on my car.

GOLDEN

We went from a me (a father) allowing his 9 year old daughter to express her love and affection for you to this?

"Because you seem unwilling or incapable of enforcing rules and you seem to put little value on respecting property I'll start parking in the garage and you can park in the driveway. "

Do you understand how crazy this sounds?

How do you think Beanie would feel if she knew what you are saying?

How would Beanie feel if she learned that when her father choose to embrace an act of love that it would result in you behaving in this way?

How do you think Beanie would feel thinking she is the reason Petunia hates her father?

Are you going to try and explain to her how her thoughts and feels are wrong to?

I have no words to describe how I feel about you right now.​

Petunia

First off, Golden, this is not about you allowing Beanie to express her love and affection for me. This is about what I perceive as your lack of good judgment in regards to teaching Beanie about respecting others property. It’s about your inability to understand that it’s not your right to allow your daughter to climb on my car.

I do not think Beanie should ever be made aware that you and I are having differences over this.

When you say, “you behaving this way” do you mean me standing firm on trying to get you to understand that your actions were not acceptable? Because that’s how I see it, and I expect she’d understand. She’s persistent herself.

Beanie’s thoughts and feels weren’t “wrong.” It’s your actions that I have issue with. Beanie is not responsible for my emotions regarding you.
​
 
nycindie said:
OMG, Golden is simply exhausting in how he has to pick apart and question everything, isn't he! I just couldn't be as kind to him as you are in these exchanges. Sheesh, you've got a hell of a lot of patience!!!!
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I find him totally exhausting. And yes, he totally dissects everything. His use of the English language tends to run wild, too, because it seems he chooses his own meanings as he sees fit - if he can get away with it.

I was doing my damndest to remain civil and patient, but he still thought I was way out there and that I put personal property, especially expensive property, over all else. He tried to engage my daughter in a conversation about this "fault" of mine. She sidestepped it and told him that she wasn't comfortable having a discussion about it. She did tell him that if it were her car that Beanie had climbed on she would have been upset - and she pointed out that her car wasn't as valuable as mine. She also asked him what he would have done if Beanie had left a knee-shaped dent/mark on the car? How would he have explained that to the insurance company?

In the end, on Saturday when I was doing laundry he cornered me and asked me if he could talk to me. I agreed and he said that he was sorry and that his daughter would never, ever be allowed to climb on my car. I told him that was all I was asking for and thank you.

Saturday from noon to six we hosted Golden's extended family's Christmas celebration. Things went really smoothly. This is the second time they've gathered at Bond's house and they really love having it there, because it's really designed well for entertaining.

Once the guests cleared out we started getting ready for the Fireball. The Fireball is a masquerade burlesque show and it's off the hook. We had so much fun. B was seriously worried about how she'd get through the night seeing as WP and his girlfriend, Rye, were going and when plans were originally made she was of course part of that. Bond and I arrived first and Ginge and B arrived 10-15 minutes after us. WP and Rye arrived a good 30 minutes after that. We all greeted them with hugs, but then we pretty much did our own thing. We weren't rude, but we were focused on watching the show and being with our peoples. The next day WP told B that he had felt unwanted by us. Damn straight, Skippy. We will circle around our girl when she needs us.

Sunday I was wiped out. Seriously drained. Bond and I slept until 10 AM and I was barely capable of being a productive member of society all day. Beatdown started at 2 PM. Bond went downstairs for that, but Golden opted out because he had work to catch up on. He was in crisis mode because of losing the work he did Tuesday night when he pulled the all-nighter. While I was waiting for meat to thaw so I could make another double batch of turkey and spinach meatballs for the freezer, I made a sandwich and took it to the living room. I positioned myself so that I could look out to the backyard. I had my phone and my sandwich and a view. I was trying to find some serenity. And then Golden changed his location from the dining room table to the couch across from me. He just can't stay out of my space. Arg. (Earlier it was a string of questions about inane things. Multiple times I told him I was too tired to think, so I couldn't answer.) I finished my sandwich, put my dish in the dishwasher, and went to bed. Two glorious hours of sleep later, Golden had left for what he said would be an hour, but in reality turned into 4 hours, to meet up with DNR_Grl for dinner, and Bond was hanging with the kids, his two youngest and Beanie, in front of the TV - feeding them cheese, sausage and crackers for dinner.

I felt like I was in a stupor after sleeping for so long, but I made myself finish making the meatballs. Bond took the two youngest boys to their mother's, and then he picked up Chinese on the way back. Megan joined us for dinner and because Golden wasn't there she shared about him trying to engage her in conversation about the fight he and I were having, and then she said something about how she felt bad for Beanie that he was gone because she thinks that Beanie misses him. I have felt that quite a bit also. He either leaves her on her own, or we are left watching her quite a bit. That's an advantage of having roommates, but I'm sure that to Beanie it feels like he's gone a lot.

Tomorrow night Bond and I are celebrating our one year anniversary. Technically it isn't until Thursday, but that's a B night, so we're celebrating early and then doing something that will include her on Thursday. I can hardly believe it's been a year already. Our relationship is so easy between us that time seems to have flown by.
 
I mentioned my middle child, Josh, - about talking him off the ledge a few posts back - actually it was the email exchange between Golden and me where he is telling me how I fail at parenting my oldest two kids.

Josh has suffered from depression since age 9. Even though he's living in southern KY near my brother and sister-in-law, he's very isolated and lonely which adds to his depression. He was in the army for 4ish years until he received a medical discharge due to a hip injury. He's an auto and helicopter mechanic, but he's presently working in an automotive plant. (I doubt he'll ever seek out employment as a mechanic again, because he doesn't want to invest in the equipment.)

He suffers from PTSD (insomnia and chronic nightmare disorder.) In our conversation he said that he had an army therapist tell him to kill himself because he wasn't religious. Said he had no reason to live.

These are his words. I skipped my replies, because they were just comments about his story.

My best friend killed himself
While talking on the phone with me
He shot himself in the head
It'd been ages since I talked to him and he was happy
His sister picked up the phone
His family won't let me visit his grave
They blame me
He killed himself because he was lonely and wanted to go active and get stationed with me but it didn't happen
I've cleaned up another one of my friends suicides
Was forced to
His blood and Luke covered the room.
He took almost two hundred pills and cut his wrists
Found another body in the woods
Didn't know him, he was busted for child pornography
Had a staff sergeant slit his wrists while I was in staff duty
His last day in
Found a body in Germany
Me, Steffi and my friends.
Turned around and on the steps behind us was his killer
Sitting there, wiping blood off a knife.
Staring at us.
The bar owner came out and saw it
Said run
Had a soldier try and jump head first out of fourth story window
Grabbed him by his legs.
I don't have peace for most.
One day I was going out with friends to just go to a bar. Some friends pulled up in lederhosen and asked if I wanted to go with. I already had plans and said no even though I wanted to go with the. The next morning their car was split into pieces.
I was part of 3 funerals for them.
I went to square dancing that Tuesday
Everyone looked at me weird. In the newspaper they read they all thought I was one of them
I was seconds away from getting in that car.
I've saved a lot of lives, seems like I'm always there. These things are tough.
So anyways that's why I don't sleep without drinking.
I wish medical marijuana was legal here. I'm so much better off then
Everything is fine then. I sleep. I eat. I get things done
Sorry to put so much out there.
You're the only one in the family that knows.
​

I wanted to share the uplifting exchange I had with him this week.

Yesterday:

Kind of proud of myself. I haven't had a drink since the last time we talked.
​

Today:

So things are on the and up for me. The other day one of big chiefs was watching me work. Pulled me aside and said I'd make a great team leader.

Yesterday our weld technician, who I believe is a mad scientist, pulled me aside to say "you know, you understand what's going on a lot more than most people in the company."

Now he's buddy buddy with me. This guy doesn't talk to anyone unless they are important. So I'm feeling good.

Tonight we had a fire and everyone just looked at it, like they wished for hotdogs to roast. I yelled fire, got on the radio and extinguished it. My team leader told the area leader that he's so glad I was there. I'm also the go-to now by the team leaders and operators for help and information.

I'm feeling great mom.

One week of being able to think clearly has been amazing.​

Today I'm celebrating because he's in an up-cycle.
 
Update on B & WP: yesterday they had couples' therapy and solo therapy. B came out of it feeling very good.

Very excellent session!

Good spaces and good work. I don't think either one of us is ready for that move back in date of the 17

I am ok with that now and might prefer it.

We are going to tell the kids that mom and dad need space for a while
And that is normal and ok for moms and dads

Still not telling other poly peeps.​

We are all so thrilled to hear that. I can't believe how much having someone you love go through relationship struggles can affect you. I know our pain isn't even close to what she's been feeling, but we feel the pain nonetheless.

Last night Bond and I went out for dinner to celebrate our one year anniversary. I was kind of a crabby pants before we left, and by "kind a" I mean I was really crabby. :eek:

As I was pulling out of my parking garage after work I saw Bond had sent IM's about the night.

: antman. Marcus: 5th wave (Z would want to go)

redbox: antman

(stupid keyboard) INSert is disable somehow and won't turn back on

dinner out: alchemy! or stay home and watch movies? or both?​


I was really annoyed that he thought we should include Z if we went to the movies. We were celebrating our anniversary on two days early as it was simply because he wanted to include B in our Thursday night plans. I felt that our celebration should be about us and I didn't want to dilute that by including others, so I sent back the following:

Dinner out. Movie possibly. No kid. No matter what.​

Grr.

Golden was shoveling the driveway when I pulled in, so I had to move my car, which wasn't a big deal. But it also meant that dinner for the family hadn't been started. I got things started and then went to change clothes and when I got back to the kitchen I realized I had left a burner on too high and had scorched things. Arg. Bond was late getting home, a good thirty minutes and the restaurant we had planned to go to (where we had our first date) is way across town. He was confused by me cooking dinner and asked if we were still going out.

That really annoyed me, because I knew that he'd be perfectly happy staying in and watching a movie with the kid instead of going out. Special days and celebrations aren't really a high priority to him. I get that. I was that way most of my life, but now as I've lost things that were important to me I'm finding value in honoring milestones and special occasions. But there is a part of Bond that contradicts this; he likes to reminisce about our beginning a lot. In the beginning he said that he read that you have to repeat something like three times in order to cement it in your memory, so he would go over all the little details of our early days. So, there is this part of him that also honors moments of our lives.

He couldn't sort out why I was crabby and I was a bit surprised by being crabby, too. I pushed the crabbies off and we went out for dinner. Rather than driving across town we decided on a tapas restaurant close by that has a great reputation. Oh my god, so good! We started with seared sesame tuna set in a piece of endive on top of a piece of wasabi topped bruschetta, followed by roasted mushrooms with bits of pancetta, arugula, gruyere and garlic served with small loaves of ciabatta. We ended with portabella mushroom ravioli with a port wine cream and brandy-cured foie gras. It was delicious.

Here is the seared tuna.
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And then we went home and watched Groundhog Day. LOL. It really was a nice night.

Tonight I am having a Girls' Night with my friend, Michelle, and Bond is seeing Bea. I'll be back way before he will, which means I'll probably have some one on one time with Golden. I hope I'm in the mood for dealing with him. I'm going to try.
 
Poor B. She went from riding high and thinking everything would resolve, to this:

Stabs to the heart! Process STAT! Ouch! I can survive this! Feeling are meant to be felt and not acted upon. Breath breath breath​

And more stuff about what WP is saying/asking for/doing. :(

Heartbreaking.
 
I woke up when Bond came home at 2 am. I checked the time and got a jolt to the heart that it was so late. I am disappointed with myself that I had that reaction. I'm still working on being okay with his relationship with Bea deepening. It's not easy, but it should be because I know that she is not a threat to our relationship. I will get past this stuff. Up until that moment I hadn't had any twinges about his date, so that is progress. Because I woke up, my leg pain kept me awake. Bond hadn't talked at all before falling asleep and he wasn't as cuddly as normal. Lying there awake my mind kept poking at me, but mostly it was leg pain. Ugh. Around 3:20 am I got up and switched to the couch. Sometimes just getting up seems to reset things and I'm able to sleep - besides, the leather couch is much softer than the bed, and I was hopeful that I'd be able to fall asleep again. Sometime around 4 am I climbed back into bed. I missed that big body that wraps around me.

In the morning he questioned me about my getting up for a while in the night. We talked about a new mattress, tempurpedic vs sleep number, and I also told him about the emotional jolt when I realized how late it was when he came home and how I wasn't able to drop off in part because we didn't talk and there wasn't the typical physical touch/cuddles. I had already told myself it was because he was trying to not disturb me or wake me more than he already had, and that's what he said. But I'm funny (as in this isn't really funny - it's fucking annoying) in that I get used to routine and without certain cues, I am unable to shut off and go to sleep. Like when Twitch and I were together I had a hard time falling asleep if he was there and he hadn't told me good night.

Today is our one year anniversary. When we went to dinner on Tuesday he made a comment about me being the type that puts importance on anniversaries. I wanted to clarify, because somewhere along the way I did become that person. I think it's because I've lost things that were important to me and now I choose to recognize milestones and to honor them. He said that he tends to honor them as he goes rather than just on a specific date 365 days after they happen. :)

I mentioned to him that I saw ArtCarGuy had first created a group message with something like 87 people on the message to announce a joint birthday party for Bea and himself, and then he removed all 87 people and created an event instead. Bond said that he had helped him get that straightened out and from that discussion I was able to ascertain that was the reason for the late, late arrival home. (ArtCarGuy gets home from work around midnight.)

We ended up having sex and I was late for work.

Oh, I wanted to tell you this and this is the main reason for this rambling post...

Before we left the bedroom this morning, Bond stopped me and told me that sometimes he realizes that I don't know that he picked me two years ago; he just had to wait a year for me to be ready.

Awww. I love this man so much!

In about three weeks it'll be the one year anniversary of our first kiss. LMAO. He still teases me that I wouldn't kiss him until something like our third date. Gawd, I just liked him too much and felt so awkward and shy!
 
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Oooh, I meant to share another sweet thing Bond told me yesterday.

Before meeting up with Michelle for sushi I sent him a message:

Have a good night, hun. Love you. <3​

Guess what! Going for sushi. LOL​

(He had guessed we'd end up going for sushi.)

Bond

love you too!

i knew it! enjoy!!! <3 <3 <3​

I sent him a reply that had about six different heart emoticons, to which he replied, "You are quite literally the best!" followed by a kissing emoticon.

I don't know how I can deserve that, but I love that you feel that way.​

Because you're awesome. We work well together. [smiley with heart eyes]​

Love that man!
 
Laser eyes

B is on a roller coaster of emotion with the split from WP. She uses our IM group (Bond, Ready Yeti Red, and me) to vent. This morning she let some stuff spew out and then she followed up with saying that she thinks in the end they'll be back together. The following is an exchange about the looks I give without knowing it. :eek:

Petunia
I'll keep being mad at him for now.​

Bootielicious B
Lol
Don't be around him . I'll get in trouble for your anger. Steer clear​

Petunia

I'm keeping my mouth shut around him. I still love him. I'm just mad.​

Bootielicious B
thumbs up
Cool
Thanks
heart emoticon​

Ready Yeti Red
Those two can totally co exist​

Just remember Petunia your eyes betray you as well.
You are a very passionate person that can have lazzzzer beam peepers even if you don't notice it others do.
Zzzzaaaaapppp! Haha​

Bootielicious B
Lol
Yup

WP and Rye felt that. I have the exact same problem.​

Ready Yeti Red
And you tend to set your jaw in a way that says.... Get the fuck out of my space.​

Bootielicious B
I'm glad we all are have private PC. Monday! You would eyeball kill them​

Ready Yeti Red
These are all good things tho.​

Petunia
Oops. They should be thankful that I kept the matching laser tongue still.​
 
Bond and I had some deep conversation last night. Considering the brevity of some of the topics I'm surprised by the impact it has had on my feelings of connection to him. I'm not sure connection is the right word. Maybe an even stronger sense of solidity in our relationship and future would be more correct.

Things

I love it when he tells me he's keeping me. Forever.

He's happier now than before. I wasn't sure if he meant that he's happier now than he was following his marriage ending or happier, happier as in predating that. Answer: as in predating the breakup of his marriage, as in happier than he can remember being for years.

My heart soared when I heard that. It's the same for me. I've never been happier or more aligned with a partner than I am with Bond. It's beyond my highest expectations.

He's concerned that there are things he can't talk to me about, because of the emotional dings they cause me; like talking about Bea. His concern is that I'm his best friend and he needs to be able to do that.

To hear that I'm his best friend, this is not the first time he's said that, but it's still rather new to hear him say it, makes me want to be the kind of partner that can listen to him talk about his girlfriends without sustaining emotional dings. The dings I do feel are pretty tiny lately, which makes me happy. I think I can do this. :)

I asked him if he was planning on divorcing Naya. Short answer: he's considering it. He doesn't see much point in doing so, because he'll be covering her living expenses until their youngest is an adult (8.5 years to go.) His workplace has a FLEX program for legal counsel which he signed up for and he plans on using it to get advice on filing for divorce and settling things financially between them.

I told him that I sometimes feel he has too many girlfriends. He said that he really only has me and Bea, because M doesn't really count anymore. I said that she did count, because when he sees her it's another night that he is gone. Granted there are weeks when they don't see each other at all, but it goes in streaks, and things seem to be picking up in frequency with Bea-date-nights, so between the two the nights he's gone add up.

He asked me if I needed more time with him. I feel guilty, but I don't think I'll ever have too much time with him. Does that mean I don't get enough? Maybe. I hate giving up any time with him. It sounds like NRE, but I can sustain that feeling of wanting to spend as much time as possible with someone for a long, long time. It's pretty much the norm for me. I told him that I felt guilty and he said that I'm allowed to want more time with him. That it's not like I tell him he can't do something or make him feel bad for doing things with others.

He said it was strange to look back and to think that a year ago his relationship with M was new and growing and today it's nearly nonexistent. He said that he doesn't miss her drama and I said I don't miss her at all. That I know he misses the nice parts of her, but that I never was privy to that aspect because she refused to be my friend, so I don't miss her whatsoever. I'm glad to have the drama gone.

He brought up some financial stuff, but I'm kind of unclear on a few points and I'll have to go over it again with him. He said that a year ago after Naya had left him he was concerned about his financial picture and the imbalance. He said that it didn't make sense to him that Naya was living in the smaller of the two houses and he in the larger one. Her utilities were less than half what his were. Her house was paid for, he had a mortgage, etc. But now the way things are he's comfortable. Having Golden and me there has increased the utilities, but he barely pays anything for groceries now so it's all working. But he also said something about if I need to spend less on groceries so that I can pay off credit card debt, that's okay. That's the part I need to go over with him again to make sure I understood him. Seems to me if I spend less then he'll have to spend more...thus more financial burden on him. I'm not sure where the threshold is I guess.

On the way home from dinner I circled back to the subject of time/dates/availability. I told him that yes, it seems like he's gone a lot, but when I actually analyze things it's not that excessive. Perception is not always reality. :) I have things in my life that keep me busy, and at the most there may be one night per week that I'm on my own and that's pretty easy to fill. If I start seeing the Music Man, then I'll be busy for sure.

Man, I'm feeling like part of an established couple. :)
 
Adulted so hard all weekend and now I'm not ready to adult on Monday. Actually, I have already adulted this morning, so maybe I'm done adulting for the day. Can I do that?

Let's see...yesterday Bond and M were supposed to have a couple of hours together after Beatdown, but M didn't come to Beatdown. She also didn't let Bond know she wasn't coming. Rude. Rude. Rude. Blew a date, no explanation. I told him he's much more patient than I am, because I'd be so done after all of the shitty stuff she's done if I were him. He says he jumps between wanting to send her something snarky to just letting it pass. He'll let it pass, I'm sure, because he's not into passive aggressive crap.

Last night I showed Bond the paint chips that I picked up Friday night. Ever since he mentioned painting the house I've been stuck on painting the dining room a dark teal. Like this: http://www.benjaminmoore.com/en-us/paint-color/tucsonteal or http://www.benjaminmoore.com/en-us/paint-color/surfblue. My niece had this color in her studio and it was fabulous. I think it would go great in the dining room, especially with the light fixture that is in there. It's very mod-80's with clear round globes and shiny stainless metal. Before I really said what I liked and for where he leaned over and said he was thinking he wanted light colors, especially in the dining room. I said, "Oh, no. I want dark, really dark in the dining room." I then said that I thought the fireplace would look great in a dark navy and the rest of the walls in light grays. He explained that in their last house they started out painting the walls really dark, but they kept lightening them every time they painted until they ended with all light walls. I told him that when Twitch and I bought our house it was totally white and when we painted we went with dark colors and every time we'd try to lighten the colors of the rooms people would tell us to switch them back. It's going to be an interesting process, that's all I can say. :)

Tonight we're having a private Poly Cocktails at B's. She's not up to seeing WP and Rye out together. It's just too painful. I don't think I care to see them either. I'd hate to kill either of them with my laser eyes. ;)
 
Hiya. I played hookey from work Tuesday and Wednesday and it felt so good! I hadn't really planned it, but Tuesday morning I was tidying up the kitchen before leaving for work and I just didn't want to stop. So, I called into work and spent the cleaning. It was so nice! I didn't stop from 8:30 am until after 6:00 pm. I spent hours cleaning the kitchen. I scrubbed the kitchen floor with a brush on hands and knees and then mopped it. Man, the grime that accumulates over the years. Ugh. By night time the muscles up to my elbows were screaming. Serves me right. :D

Bond installed security cameras on Monday - which I can't seem to forget. Tuesday I ninja'd my way around the house trying to avoid them. By Wednesday I was like fuck that and I'd smile and wave at him as I passed knowing he'd get an alert that something had activated them. Some time I'm going to write messages out and hold them up for him to read.

So where Tuesday I accomplished a shit ton, Wednesday was not so stellar in how much I got done. Tuesday I scrubbed the backsplash, cupboard fronts, the under side of the upper cabinets (goodness the view small children must have!), unloaded the shoes from the coat closet, swept, mopped, and reloaded it - and turned the shoe rack the right direction so that it works properly - oiy vey!, swept and mopped the dinette, dining room, living room, hallway, and our bedroom and bath, and vacuumed area rugs. And I put so many things in their proper homes. I cannot believe how many things get stashed in odd spaces.

Yesterday I concentrated on our bedroom. I ran to the store to buy a draft stopper for under the door to put under the door that joins the master bedroom to the boys' bedroom. How odd to have a door joining the two rooms. If it were up to me I'd have it taken out and sheetrocked over. Bond is less inclined to have it done. His theory is that the people that built the house used it as a dressing room. I wonder if they slept separately, because she was in a wheelchair. Anyway, there is a door between our bedroom and the bedroom that his oldest and youngest son's use. When other doors, like the garage door, or front door, close it rattles it and sound carries really easily between the two rooms because there is no carpet. I spotted the draft stoppers on Friday when I was blowing time waiting to get my grandson, but it didn't occur to me to use one between the two rooms until earlier this week. It's so obvious that I wonder why it took me so long to think of it.

I removed my items that were in Golden's room. I told him that I had done that at dinner and he told me he was glad I mentioned it, because he'd have been upset if I hadn't told him. I wonder why. Later when I was out he brought up some more toys that I missed, so now I am officially moved out of his space. I still need to buy a jewelry box and return his mother's jewelry box to him.

I saved my favorite pillow from death. It's so old that the fabric is tearing. I stitched it back together and put it in a zippered case. I hope that having the zippered case around it will prevent it from tearing in new spots. I brought up two king size pillows that I had had down in Golden's room and swapped out two standard size, puffy pillows, and two standard, flat as pancakes pillows for them. So now we have three big king size pillows and my little, wimpy pillow (the one I saved.) I hope this fixes the problem of Bond stealing my little pillow. The big pillows are nice feather pillows. I hope he likes them. One I use as my huggy pillow for between my knees and along my tummy. I'm hoping that with the addition of the two king size pillows we can both use one for our heads (yes, I need both my little pillow and a bigger one slightly behind it), and the other for him to use either under his head if he moves away from me, or between his knees if he wishes. I'm just tired of flat stiff pillows, and super puffy pillows that push back against me.

I gotta tell you what a dolt I am sometimes. I had my little pillow in two pillowcases trying to attain feather containment - and that was failing. So to start this project of saving it I stepped outside to the patio and left the door to the bedroom open, took the cases off and shook them out. Why, oh why, did I leave the door open? I think sometimes I'm a masochist! There was just enough breeze to carry feather fluff into the room. Fun times. I've swept the room three or four times now and I'm still spotting feathers floating along the floor. The hallway in our bedroom is 14.5' long and it affords one a nice long view of those little fuckers floating along the floor. I need to get the vacuum out and suck them up instead of stir them up. <smh>

Last night Bond had a date with Bea and I was feeling a bit stir crazy after being home for two days, so I took myself to the movies. It was glorious! I wanted to see Brooklyn, but it's been out for a while, so I ended up at a theatre that in my opinion is not so hot. To my surprise and delight they've renovated and now have recliners and a bar. The place was nearly empty. I don't think the word has gotten out that they've upped their game. I sat in the center of the theatre - the only person in my row with no one seated above my level.

I had zero negative feels about Bond's date with Bea. Yay! Feels good. Bond may deserve at least partial responsibility for this. I sent him an IM about not being able to get the oven to lock for self-cleaning and after some discussion about that and some other things he typed, "brt". I wondered if he meant, BRB, as in Be Right Back. I never thought he really meant Be Right There, but a short while later as I was making the bed he walked in. Fun sexy times before he confirmed that indeed the lock isn't engaging properly and he returned to work. And that folks is why it's great to work two miles from home! :D

Tonight is date night with B, Ginge, Bond and me. We're starting the night with a visit to a fantastic sexuality store with a female-friendly focus and then dinner at the same dumpling and ramen place that I posted pictures of a few weeks back. We need more! - food, and B needs a new vibrator. LOL
 
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I'm sitting in my car at a nature area waiting for a friend to arrive. She's organizing a scavenger hunt and I've agreed to be the person who gives out the second clue. She says it won't take long for people to reach this stage so I shouldn't be here long. That's good news because it's 10*F and I don't want to run my heater because it'll zap my battery and I'll have to switch to gas to get home. Oh, the fun of driving an electric vehicle sometimes.

I'm pretty jazzed about the weekend. My sister and brother-in-law and niece and my son, Taylor, are all going to be at our house for dinner. Other than meeting my kids this will be the first Bond will meet some of my family. And they'll also get to see where I live. I may be odd in this, but I like my friends and family knowing where I am and being familiar with it on some level, even if that's just so they can picture me in my environment when they think of me. Better yet if it means they feel comfortable enough to visit me there. Fingers crossed the boys aren't little beasts. One never knows.
 
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The Wicked Stepmother (or the wicked woman in that role)

The kids were in high gear when I got home Friday night. Bond was sacked out on the couch, nearly twitching from the stress. Just kidding, but he looked zapped. I was tired, I knew he was tired and I hushed them when they came into the kitchen, because they were using outside voices. Mainly I admonished Beanie, because she was the loudest. She immediately countered with she wasn't being loud, that's how she always talks. Arg. Why do kids have to immediately tell you that they aren't doing the thing you told them to stop? Before I finished in the kitchen I could hear Son #2 talking to Bond in the living room about how he thinks he should only have to listen to his father. Bond was great about the discussion, asking him if he thought he didn't have to listen to Sean's parents when he went to their house. To which he said that he needed to listen to them, because they were taking care of him. When asked if he thought he needed to listen to Wil, he said that Wil was a guest, so yes, he had to listen to him to be polite. In the end, it came down to he thinks I'm mean. Bond told him that he should talk to me about it. So, as I came into the living room he met me and we talked. How do you say to a 12-year-old kid that you find him obnoxious and spoiled and that you think he treats people like shit? Ah, yeah, you don't. I like this kid, he's bright and interesting, but the past couple of weekends he's been something else. He's challenging to say the least.

His biggest problem with me getting after him is my tone of voice. He says that his dad tells him to do things, but he doesn't sound mean when he does. Um, yeah, that's because his father 1) has the patience of a saint, and 2) doesn't enforce things. I can issue a command like I have Staff Sergeant's DNA. My kids and nieces and nephews were used to it. I am loving and fun and engage with kids, but when they are being asked to do something I expect them to comply without a huge display of protest. It drives me nuts that it takes five minutes of discussion to get Bond's kids to pick their socks up and toss them in the dirty clothes. WTF?!

The discussion was good, though, because after I explained that I use that tone of voice to penetrate their conscious so they listen. It's not because I am trying to be mean, it's just a shortcut to capturing their attention.

The discussion was short and immediately following that Son #2 engaged me in conversation about a website about customers not always being right. It's a funny site and he likes it. I wasn't sure if it was his way of saying I'm not always right, which is true, or if he was simply attempting to mend the rift. I decided to take it in the spirit of patching things up and had fun with him reading some of the stories.

I felt crummy all weekend about this. Stuff like this hangs with me. Bond and I talked briefly about it after the younger kids went to bed. Basically he thought it was interesting how his logic worked and how he got tangled up in his own logic of who he needs to listen to. I think he was satisfied with how it was resolved. I'm being hyper aware of how I interact with the kids. I want to defend myself and point out all the nice things I do for them, not to Bond - to the kids, but that's childish.

Saturday night with my family went well. They didn't stay long and that was kind of disappointing, but I think we were all tired. Sunday I went to the Garden Expo and as soon as I got into the building I see my sister walking towards me. She was wearing the worst hat ever and without meaning to I made her feel bad about it. Why does she ask me questions she doesn't want the answers to? Argh. Why can't I lie? Fuck. So, she took off the hat and stuffed it in her purse and no matter what I said she wouldn't put it back on. And then she told me that I'm always doing that to her. That I had told her she "could always give it to mom" when she had just bought a new sweater and had come directly from the mall with it. Fuck. If I remember correctly she had come in and was saying that she was worried that it was "too old" for her. I just wanted to leave. My sister is the nicest person on the planet. I apologized again and said that I'm not the only one who has done that. That I didn't have a wedding because she told me that I wouldn't look good in the wedding dress style I wanted. The dress had little lace cap sleeves and she didn't think it would flatter me, because it would show my arms. Thirty-two years after the fact and I still remember. That doesn't justify my having hurt her feelings twice in the past year, though. So then she felt awful, too. Ugh.

Feeling like an asshat.

Golden was insistent on having a closure discussion about our relationship ending. I didn't have time for it until yesterday afternoon. I was dreading it big time. It wasn't as awful as I thought it may be, but mainly that's because I sidestepped some potential hot topics.

He apologized for his comments and asshole behavior over my parenting (Megan.) He said he really struggled with that, especially when she first moved in.

I thought it was interesting that he added, "especially when she first moved in." Saturday afternoon he was in the kitchen when Taylor was saying how he likes to pretend sometimes that his sister doesn't exist. I defended her and told him how she was really trying hard at adulting and seemed to be getting her life together. I told him that once Megan had been her for a while that she had started being her real self and had dropped all the whopping tales and lies. That she was actually really nice to be around. That I think she gets nervous and that she feels badly about all the times she's had to restart her life and how much it hurts and how embarrassed she is about it, so that's when she acts like that. He thought for a few minutes and said that he could see that. I think maybe it'll help him relate better to her now. I know it helped me to see her like that. Anyway, Golden was privy to all that and I have a feeling it influenced him, too.

Golden wanted to know if I thought that at some point in the future I would ever want to get back together. I assured him that I would not. He told me that he never needed to have me say again (told him in a text) that I was totally past any romantic or sexual feelings towards him. That it was too hurtful. Then he told me how I could have said it, which was pretty much what I had said but using different words. I sighed (internally) and told him that I was sorry for using those words, but that I had basically meant what he had just said.

He also said that when he had asked what I wanted from him that I had given him a list of things I didn't want, but that it would be more useful if I'd say what I do want. I didn't have anything to give him. Later when talking to Bond, Bond told me it's okay if I don't want anything from Golden. It's okay for me to want nothing.

I've wanted Golden out of the house for some time now, but this weekend I worked at finding reasons why it's nice to have him there. He has been very helpful in the kitchen. He did a lot of prepping and taking on the responsibility for steps when we were cooking for my family Saturday and again last night when we were making tacos. He clears the snow off the driveway and sidewalks. He cleans up the kitchen following meals. There are times when it's quite nice to have him there and I need to focus on those times.
 
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Last night I got a sneaky suspicion that Megan may not still have her job. She had ignored a text I sent her asking her to pick up her mail after work, but she responded to a Valentines text. And then she ignored me when I asked her outright if she still had her job. I sent her another message about 5 minutes later, and then started copying and pasting a text asking for a response. Finally she sent a text saying she had been off that day because she dislocated her shoulder at work. Shit. This is what happens. She is so small and the work she gets is too laborious and she gets injured. I hope that they don't let her go. She's still within her probationary period. The upside is that she didn't get this job through a temp agency, so maybe there is a shot. She is off today, too. She's in a lot of pain. This poor kid. It's always something.
 
I talked to Josh (middle child) Saturday morning. He is doing great! He still hasn't had a drink and he now has a plan to save money so he can buy a truck next month and a boat for his birthday in May. His thinking is that he needs to work on becoming a happier person and then other people will come into his life. I'm so happy to hear this.

Bond has the day off from work today. His boys don't have school and their mom is picking them up at noon. He just asked me what time I'd be done with work, because he's going to surprise pick me up tonight. :) I'm not sure what that means, but it sounds like fun. Last night I told him that I could really use a date night with him. I think tonight is our only available night if it's going to be just the two of us. He may go with Golden to see Deadpool tomorrow night (Bond, me, and Z saw it Sunday morning), Wednesday he is seeing Bea, Thursday we're probably doing something with B, Friday we are hosting a UFC viewing party for the Beatdown people, and Saturday night is Bea and ArtCarGuys' joint birthday party. That doesn't leave a lot of time other than tonight. I really could use some time away from Golden and kids. I'm saturated with kid time.

Yesterday Bond was having a sad. He was lying on the bed after Beatdown and he pulled me down with him to snuggle. He shared that he still misses Naya (his wife) and he doesn't know what to do with it. I understand that. I still miss Twitch. I don't think there is anything one can do with it other than acknowledge it and live with it. I told him that Facebook was doing a good job of popping up memories this week and that I was surprised by how many bouquets Twitch had given me over the years, because for years he never gave me anything for Valentines Day. Bond said that he used to buy flowers for Naya, but she was always meh about them and that it makes sense now, because she was never happy. She told him that she hadn't been happy with him since 2000, four years after they got married. That has to hurt deeply.

Hours later he asked me if I was okay listening to him talk about his relationship things. I told him that I thought I was, so he shared that yesterday he had sent a message to Bea (I'm guessing it was Valentines related) and she never responded. It's not unusual for her to be offline, especially on the weekend, but he had just seen on Facebook that she had liked two things that I and B had posted. The one was 6 hours earlier, so about 4 PM, and the second was an hour earlier. So, she'd been online, and the message was marked as having been read, but she hadn't responded. He's so unsure if she's interested. He'll start to think she's not, but then he'll get a message from her that makes him think otherwise, and then things like this happen which hurt his feelings. He likes her a lot. I feel for him.
 
The Music Man and I finally set a date night for Wednesday. I'm excited and also dreading it. I have gained 15 pounds since the last time I saw him and I'm terribly aware of it.

Bond is such a dear. Yesterday he had off of work for Presidents' Day. His wife was supposed to pick up the younger boys around 12:30, but that got pushed back to mid-afternoon. From what I've pieced together he took the boys with him shopping so he could get me a belated Valentine's gift. He sent me a message asking me what time I was off work and that he was going to pick me up from work. I was quite confused, because...cars, but I didn't question him. He said it was a surprise, but the he had to confirm the time. What he didn't explain was that he was taking me to dinner - downtown - and that I'd be driving my car home as usual afterwards. He went to B's during the gap in time between the kids leaving and me leaving work. In the end, because I left an hour early, I ended up meeting him at B's and we walked to a Peruvian restaurant from there.

Before we left B's he told me he had four things to tell me. I can't recall what they all were, because the one that outshines all the others is that he rearranged his date night with Bea this week from Wednesday to Tuesday so I could have a kid-free night with him. WEDNESDAY. Such a sweet idea, but wow, he should have checked with me before doing so, because I would not have scheduled a date with Music Man if I had known. I tried to see if Music Man could switch things to Tuesday, but he would only have an hour or two and that's not really how I want things to go. I also don't like rearranging my dates to fit my other partner's whims...or to come off as that's what I'm doing. So, tonight Bond and Bea have a date and I'll be going with Golden to see Deadpool. (Something Bond was going to do with him until he did this date night switch.)

When we got home last night he gave me truffles that he had bought for me and we had some sweet sex when we went to bed. I think he's really trying to show me he loves me and that he values me. I feel it all the time with him, but it's nice to know he wants to do the things that make me feel his love.
 
Last night between X Files and Lucifer, Golden asked Bond and me if we had seen that M had updated her profile on Fetlife. He said that he wasn't familiar enough with it before to know what was changed.

This morning as we were making the bed, Bond said that he checked her profile and she had removed him as being in a relationship with her. Because mornings are rather rush-rush we didn't discuss it further. I just checked in with him to see how he was doing in regards to that and if it would change things. He says he's processing.

As much as I'd like to see her out of our lives, I really hate for him to be hurt - if that's how he's feeling. He's been kind of ambivalent towards her of late, so maybe he isn't too hurt by this.

Time will tell.
 
Date night tonight with Music Man. I'm getting nervous and I also just realized how mono I'm feeling presently. I think that will evaporate when I see him. There was quite a bit of chemistry between us before. It's just odd to be going on a date with someone new.

Bond didn't pursue getting together with M tonight, because he wanted to be around when I got home. He thought I might be home earlier, though, when he made that decision which he based off what I had in the calendar. Unfortunately that was just a basic entry that didn't really have real date times associated with it, because I didn't know what time we were meeting or what we were going to do at the time I entered it. Surprisingly last night he was home when Golden and I got home from the movies. He's been getting home around 1 AM on the nights he goes to Bea's house, so I really didn't expect him to be home at midnight. He said that they were both tired, so he left there around 11:00. Funny thing is that we didn't go to sleep until 12:30 or so. We seem to carve out connection time regardless of the hour.

Wish me luck.
 
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