So far, so good!

Home :)

(PS (pre-script!): rory - thanks for replying, and it's interesting you didn't identify with the selfish thing. When I get a chance might write more about what I meant by that.)

They say home is where the heart is, and long distance-ing can feel a bit like you're straddling countries.

I know I've been getting off lightly in comparison to some others (a local poly friend of mine had been dealing with two, and at some stage I think three, separate long distance relationships at once; some of these were very very long distance)

Mine is more of a medium distance, really. It's a 3 1/2 hour flight that costs about what I earn for a week to make the round trip.

Anyway, Sage is back in town! "It's so good to see him" is a whoppin understatement. (I've noticed that there's someone else called Sage in this forum --- whoops. I was thinking of using two names for S anyway: Sage/Sugar. Also for C: Carob/Cam(embert) Since we're all about the more-than-one I'm sure we can cope with this.)

Also had a surprise visit from a couchsurfer who I hosted earlier this year. He turned up just before I was due to pick Sugar up from the airport (still with me? ha!) and, to be honest, my heart sank cos I was looking forward to time by myself, and then time-for-just-the-two-of-us (s & m...e). But then pulled myself together and acknowledged it really was cool to see him (the CSer) again and it's been quite fun around the house.

It's time to pack away most of our stuff as a couple of friends are moving in to house/cat sit next week... FOR A WHOLE YEAR! It's all on; I'm moving!

First, holiday. Leaving on Tuesday. Saga* & I are going away with one of S's best friends for just over a month. This is one of the best friends I had a crush on (the other one is the best mate of Cam's). Will tell that story at some point, for AnnabelMore :) (* who said I just had to stick to two names, there are no rules here. Will stick to the same initial though... promise :p)

Was in a pretty messed up mood when I wrote the last post, feeling much better now. Writing helps, talking with the people concerned (obviously) helps more. Did a "you didn't help with the dishes!" vent to C the other day, just needed to let off steam even though I wasn't feeling rational/reasonable. I couched it as an emotional need.

The conversations went a bit like this:
me - C, I'm feeling like shit, I need to vent, this isn't well-thought out... all good?
C - vent away
C - I'm really sorry I didn't help with the dishes. Just slipped my mind
me - I know, it's cool, I love you, just BLEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH
C - *hugs*
me - *hugs* cya soon

Carob & I are gonna be well medium-distance, I think :) And for now, the three of us in the same city for two more days! If S & I get enough packing done, gonna chill out with C + his mate (yeah the bestmatecrushthing) + possibly some other mutual friends this arvo. Got a breakfast date with Sage, another of his close friends (no crush there, haha), Carob and the CSer on Monday. Actually haven't had a chance to tell C yet but I'm the mistress of scheduling (or at least I like to think so). Nah, I vaguely know his routines... mmm... okay scheduling is a whole other topic. Time to get back to the putting-stuff-in-boxes game (much more fun with objects than people!)

I <3 home
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I don't see Carob's suggestion as better or even simpler than yours. In fact, mentioning you have a boyfriend and a husband could be much more complicated, depending on who you're talking to.

I got married for the first time at 39, and it took me a long time to get comfortable with the word "husband." I like "partner" for that kind of relationship. But I am similar to you in that I do not take friendship lightly, and it's an honor to have someone in my life as a friend. Nothing wrong with that, nor with referring to your loves as friends. Nothing wrong with that at all. I think you explained your situation to Brian perfectly.

I found it really, really intriguing to read this. I thought it was just me with the obfuscation obsession. Re-thinking my critique of myself... woah, double critique!

I think what I did wrong with Brian, perhaps, was something I didn't mention in the original post. Just as I'd given my version of how things stood between C & me, Carob came to the car. The timing was funny and I was already feeling amused by how convolutedly I'd explained things. So I said: "Hey C, haha, I was just attempting to answer Brian's question 'What's the deal between you and Carob?' and I think I was being confusing as usual." It was half-joking but also half-serious, as in: I did feel a tad like a failure for not being able to state the record clearer.

If I'm more confident with my own ways of expressing such things in the future, it could improve things! Thanks for sharing your perspective, nycindie
Gong Xi Fa Cai! I've been mostly offline for the last few weeks as I've been travelling - visiting family and hanging out with old friends and new friends. The time away is finally coming to a close; I'm heading back to work in two days. It's been great to have a serious amount of down-time, and I'm now looking forward to getting the business end of the year rolling.

Sugar and I took advantage of the holiday together to get all honeymoon-y. We needed it. Since he left for overseas mid-2011 I'd seen him a few times, but it was always when at least one of us had other things on the go (work commitments, etc) so it wasn't like clear days lounging around with each other. Also, the windows of time were so short that we'd just gotten used to the other person again when it was time to say goodbye. That's long-distance for you, eh!

It has also been cool to hang out with Gilby, one of S's best friends who was travelling with us over Christmas/New Years. G is a good mate of mine too, and we used to flat together a few years' back. I... kinda have a crush on him. But according to Glib, nothing can happen sexually between us as long as Sage is alive. Literally.

The first time he said that I was genuinely appalled. It seemed so twisted... but after a few conversations on the topic I understand (at least intellectually) what he means. From his perspective, he can't imagine being okay with one of his friends hooking up with his partner. And so he cannot really connect with Sage being okay with that too (although he is willing to accept that it is true)... therefore he can't go there himself.

But I find the attraction quite overwhelming at times. Like today, Glib and I had the day together as S had to fly out to head back to work. In the evening, the two of us (G & I) sat with a shisha for hours, talking, snacking, letting the smoke and conversation wind its way around us, and at times I felt so keenly in the same space as him that I just wanted to touch him, to go to bed and talk some more. I have to remember that it wouldn't be cool, that my advances would probably be frustrating (at worst), or at least off-key. It would be easier if he had said he wasn't attracted to me. However knowing that he would be up for it if I wasn't with S is tough!

Just had to take some time out meditating so I wouldn't pounce on G. We're staying a couple of days extra in the hostel before we also head off. I decided it would be better to sleep in bunk beds tonight, so I'm sleeping on top of G (sadly in different beds) and we're both awake (me probably more than him) and... I dunno. I hope he's happy that I'm keeping my distance. I need to think of this as how I show love and respect to him.

It just means I have to trust that he meant it when he rejected my advances in the past... Part of me keeps wanting to question him again. Like, really? You still feel this way? Don't you want to twist our bodies together and see if it feels good? My instinct is to take opportunities to explore like this... I need reasons to hold back, and sometimes I feel like the levies are breaking.

A really fast way to cure a crush, I've found, is to act on it and find out it's not what you imagined. Hilariously bad kisses for example and poof! The crush is gone. Maybe there's a less awkward way, but I find this effective and worth it :) I don't really mind the awkward too much, and it's a true win-win... You either lose the crush (a win in my books) or get sweet lovin...

Attraction can feel really intense, especially sexual attraction. It's sometimes helped to let feelings of sexual attraction ebb out into the broader notion of attraction to 'intimacy', i.e. recognising that, yeah, I may be horny for someone and up for sex, but more fundamentally what I'm up for is mutually-appealing intimacy. And there are many ways to be intimate, including giving someone space or spending time together doing things you both like.

It's hard, though... sex can be this debilitating drive (at least for me). I'm still working through these dynamics and I don't feel like I have those oysters full of wisdom pearls just yet. Hence I'm still awake... heh.

Hopefully will fall asleep soon, and the tomorrow make it through one more night of sharing a room with G without misbehaving in a bad way. Serenity prayers ahoy.

Just gotta think - two days and I'll see Carob. Wooh! I'm sure he'll know what to do with this tension I've built up *grin*
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A really fast way to cure a crush, I've found, is to act on it and find out it's not what you imagined. Hilariously bad kisses for example and poof! The crush is gone.

Hahaha!!! That reminds me of a time, many years ago, when I had a crush on this guy. He was much taller than I, a NYC fireman, and kinda looked like Paul Newman. We had some mutual friends and met each other hanging out with them. I was really attracted to him, and flirted heavily. After a couple of weeks, he asked me out. I was giddy with anticipation.

So, there we are at dinner, and he bent his head down to look at the menu... plugs! I guess since he was so tall, and only in his 30s, I never noticed or realized he'd had a hair transplant. And it was a bad one. Seeing the plugs all lined up in rows on his scalp totally grossed me out and I was suddenly UN-crushing on him. From that moment on, in an instant - ZERO attraction!

Funny, I haven't thought about that in years.
Time, love and selfishness (sorry, couldn't resist)

Heh, nycindie - I had to look at at a few pics online to understand what you meant. Yeah, I getchya :) Though I mostly get turned off by people's approach to sex or how they are physically intimate rather than their looks... and maybe it's a compatibility thing rather than anything else.

I made a comment previously about sometimes worrying about being selfish. What I mean is that... loving relationships are really pleasant, especially close friends or lovers who are a real comfort in my life. Yes, they challenge me but also support me immensely and we have a lot of fun and pleasure of course :)

Sometimes I wonder whether I'm being overly self-interested, given the other things I could be doing with my time. For example, I could choose to reach out into the community rather than soften my own personal life.

I tend to think this way when I'm feeling unbalanced. I sometimes feel like I'm enjoying myself too much and taking things too easy, surrounding myself with people who will be nice to me, and not doing my best to contribute to day-to-day life in wider society, doing things that I really would like to do but I deprioritise to make time for a lover.

Like, I could be helping out in the neighbourhood, or seeing more of a sick relative... but instead I'm filling my hours with more me-ish-time (cos time spent with close companions is sort of like me-time).

Of course nothing is really that simple (either-or) but I think this balance is a real one for me, and one that makes me feel a bit wobbly at times if I have been sliding one way or the other.

I guess it's similar to "work-life" balance, if "work" is community-facing things and "life" is my personal life.
Happy Love Love Family?

Also, came across this when I was on holiday:



Bought a couple of extra to send to anyone who's up for being a snail mail pen pal! :eek: Yep, old school... I love posted letters. PM me if you're keen :)
Came out (as non-monogamous, queer and a general deviant) to my closest friend at work today. Felt good.
Unfortunately I don't have much time to read/write here anymore, but I think I might try to keep up with my own blog even if (despite best intentions) I can't manage to read everyone else's.

Recently shifted countries ~1 1/2 months ago, so now long-distance with Carob - my other relatively long-term partner. It's a bit like standing on the other foot.

I do seem to have difficulty putting things into words sometimes. Maybe it's because I seek the perfect phrase.

For example, when explaining to people why I was leaving town (before I headed away) my explanations seemed to falter. Many years back, when I was in high school, I decided it was dumb to move cities just to be with a boyfriend/girlfriend and I promised myself I would never do this. And here I am breaking my own promise. Quitting a job I like, leaving a place I love because someone misses me and I miss them back.

Well, it's pretty basic when you put it that way but it seems overly sentimental to me (as in, it didn't really communicate what I was feeling). But yesterday as I was writing a letter to a friend, I unconsciously summed it up perfectly. I said "Just moved over here to keep Sage company." Yes! That's pretty much it :) It wasn't an unbearable aching (well, not always), it was just a really wanting to be together.

This is the first time since Carob and I got together that we have lived in different places. I've travelled quite a bit, so been away before (for up to 3 months at a time) but it's a distinct feeling to be settling down somewhere else. The missing feels more acute, like growing apart is more of a possibility.

C's heading over here in two days to visit for a week and a half! Couldn't be sooner. Really craving touch. Recently he got together with a friend of his who I also know and like. She's lovely. It's the first time for me facing the role of the Old Relationship partner in a new relationship. So far it's been okay but it's fairly new.

Not having had the experience of that perspective, I've had this fear that I wouldn't be up to the task. That despite my hopes for myself, I would actually get insanely jealous if anyone tried to share my precious toys with me for real. It's fine to play, but don't forget it's going back in my toybox once you're done.

As much as I worry that I'm deep down a hypocrite, I worry more than I won't have the guts to admit that to myself if it is true. Like, I will pretend that I'm not feeling conflicted if I am.

I don't think either of these are serious fears... If I thought it was likely I'd be this way, I wouldn't be in these relationships. Nonetheless, I would really like some evidence of my ability to deal :) Seems like I might be about to get it.

As a side note, my eagerness to find out whether this poly deal was viable used to make me feel overly enthusiastic about my partners finding new partners. I was curious about whether the dynamics would work, whether we were all strong enough... and maybe also knew it would take the social pressure off me in terms of other people's judgment. None of these good reasons to rush other people into other relationships! (Well, there's probably no good reasons actually). It was a funny impetus to recognise, and quite simple to squash thankfully.

I'm in a big city now and there's quite a poly community here. Went to a discussion group a couple of weeks ago; very illuminating. Like this forum, but in person. I just sat there melting happily into a chair.

Hope y'all doing well
"There's no Mary Sue. you know what I mean?"

Carob is talking to Sugar in the other room. All three of us are a little bit drunk; to be honest, I'm probably more drunk that either of them.

I have no idea what I'm talking about. S comes in briefly, I hope to give me a kiss but it's really to get something, maybe ar roll of toilet paper.

"You can't go backwards. You can't go from that to Seinfield." Sugar says. C agrees. They're talkling about something. I'm too wasted to understand.

It makes me happy that I'm weak, that I'm somewhat an imbecile. It can be tough being the middle person, how they say? The pivot.

I didn't mean to be this drunk but it's arelief. Nothing much is expected of me. Other people are happy without me.

I am happy. I am sleepy I can be incompetent and snooze and everything will be okay. I love my life.
I can sometimes feel stressed being the hinge, too (particularly in a group of four where there are so many dynamics). Maybe I should try alcohol to give myself a break, hah! :D
Maybe, rory! Hehe. Was unintended for me, but nice.

C cooking a very late brunch (at 4.30 in the afternoon) - he's hanging with friends later on tonight. I'm having a night in, maybe with Sage if he's around, or perhaps just by myself.

It's been great having Carob here on holiday and will be sad when he leaves early Sunday morning. This is also the most consecutive nights I've spent sleeping with him - since last Wednesday when he arrived. Even when C and I were in the same city (and I was long distance with Sage) C & I didn't sleep over nights together for extended periods. Longest was a holiday together for our 2nd year anniversary, and that was maybe 4 nights? And by accident actually, we got caught to a snow storm and were stranded for an extra one or two nights.

So yes. Interesting period, but I'm ready to get back into a routine. We've been keeping holiday time and eating out quite a bit. Haven't seen too much of S but things are well.

We've just moved house... It was really good timing actually because we still have one more week in our old place so I have been able to stay in the new place with Carob while Sage chilled out at our old place. Meant we didn't have to fork out for motels or anything to give each other space.

Really feel for people who do LDRs and need to share living all together when a lover visits.

S has applied for a job at our home town (where C currently still lives). If he gets it, it's a permanent position that will start early next year. I am on unpaid leave from my job in the same city until round about then.

Carob was thinking of moving to find work in the town we are now, but we're feeling like it would be great to co-ordinate things better to minimise the living-apart times. So... if he does move here I hope it will be for something temporary instead of too permanent (that is, if S and I are moving back Feb next year!)

Regardless of what happens LDR-wise, we can handle it - though I'd prefer not to have to of course :)
Slept with Sugar last night as C crashed over with another friend. Carob leaving town tomorrow morning. Ah... But if all goes to plan, it won't be too long before I see him again (I'm planning to head over there about this time next month)

Loved how easy we slipped in together and how good it felt to curl up to S. Even though Carob is leaving soon, it was good to spend some one-on-one time with Sugar. Have been missing it.

In the early hours of the morning I thought about sleeping alone... It's something I hardly ever do, but I'd like to make time for somehow.

Well, what I'd really like is to have whatever experiences are necessary to have enough empathy with how things are for other people. E.g. how things feel for S not having me around at times when he would like it. What it feels like to sleep alone in our house. Not necessarily to orchestrate opportunities, but really value chances when they come my way.

I know the same thing won't necessary feel the same for me as they feel for other people, and also there are some things I just won't be able to experience personally. But the small windows I've happened upon into how things roll on the "other sides" of my relationships have really helped me understand other points of view in a deeper way.
Really feel for people who do LDRs and need to share living all together when a lover visits.

Oh no, we are happy as clams. One-bedroom flat for three people, what more could you want? :p Well, we make do with that, but it sure is nice this time to take a break from that and share a hotel room with Mya alone. :)

I know the same thing won't necessary feel the same for me as they feel for other people, and also there are some things I just won't be able to experience personally. But the small windows I've happened upon into how things roll on the "other sides" of my relationships have really helped me understand other points of view in a deeper way.

In an N there's a bonus in that even if you are a hinge of a V, you are a leg of a V at the same time. So, techically, you should be able to experience some of both sides. I haven't felt it to be much so, though. It's so individual. Even me and Mya, who are sort of in the exact same position, have somewhat different experiences in that. Then again, maybe we just happen to have personalities in our setting who experience things differently, yet you might find it more useful, if you feel more similarly to your partners. :)
time can makes us happen

like a glass can cup a puddle
like a doorway holds visitors in knots
of conversation unraveling; released
from the confines of infinity
we grow caterpillar


let's put lids
on pots to hear the steam
screaming i'm alive! run like sand
through the hour glass; i am
the bottom bowl
tasting you​

Carob left on the weekend. It took longer than I thought it would to reconnect with him this time... I've been going quite far on personal adventures and needed a bit of recalibration with his ways of being and putting things. Was all good, though.

Sad to see him off (of course) and mingled a bit with baseless fear of abandonment. He's recently hooked up with a sweet friend of his, Ella. I can tell she's really nice, though I know her much less well than he does. Apparently she's quite into him and he is likewise smitten (so so cute).

Last night they had a date to catch up, since he'd got back there the previous day. For this and other reasons we haven't had a proper chance to chat since he left. I think the contrast (seeing him almost 24/7, then not at all) was a bit unbalancing.

Anyway re: Carob's date with Ella last night, I wasn't feeling jealousy per se, but this odd longing... like ligaments were being stretched, and I really wanted to touch or talk just a little, to stop wobbling. I was surprised how much this coloured my mood. Anyway here's a snippet from an e-mail I wrote to C this morning:

last night, had strange emotions. was making out with sugar, was sweet... but it was mixed in with missing you and feeling non-rationally weird about you and ella... i tried to think maybe you guys were hooking up and having a good time and i tried to fill up my heart with the joy of that being a good thing, to somehow riff off my imagination of some kind of combined happy energies... but actually i felt odd, and sad, and missing you, and craving to resolve some unfinished threads of things between us, and yeah. just wasn't feeling good and i kinda had to sleep it off. didn't unload this shit on sugar, was quite tired anyway... mmm... yeah. i guess i'm just adjusting. it's heady eh. but good. real. baby steps. ah how often we are reborn
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oh, thank you for sharing the poetry. I really like it!
Surely I can count my chickens _now_

Sitting in Carob's living room. 5.45am and I haven't really been able to sleep yet, so was time to get out of bed - especially because it was getting kinda tight in there as C and Ella spread out a bit :p More on this later.

Yeah, so much has happened since last time I posted.

C's been hating work and really needs a change. Friends of his living in the same city Sugar & I have moved to suggested he take up work there. Would be good for him and, as a very pleasant side effect, mean we don't have to do long-distance, but...

Carob has just hooked up with this girl Ella and dynamics between them are such that it would be quite tough and possibly not viable to try long-distance for their relationship at this stage. So, he's pretty much having to weigh up options, i.e. 'do I stay or do I go'

When I describe the facts of the matter like that, it seems like a simple thing, but it's been slightly fucking with me a bit cos... y'know... missing. And hoping he gets what he needs. And not wanting to be too emotionally invested in what he picks in advance of him making up his mind. I mean, regardless of whether he moves to where I am or stays in our home town, we'll make it work.

That said, I'd obviously love if he was nearer. But if I dream dreams of him moving over, I reckon that just sets me up to feel almost personally rejected if he chooses to stay. I've seen little windows of this. So I've pushed pause in that little corner of my hope snowglobe - pending his decision, which should be soon.

That could come across as a bit unhealthy, like head-in-sand or something, but yeah. Given the dynamic - he's in a new relationship with someone in our home town, and LDR with me - I'd like to give myself the best chance of seeing things from a good perspective rather than warped by jealousy/insecurity/longing/disappointment/whatever. Things are a smidgen messy geographically right now, but... we can do this.

Meanwhile, Sugar had applied for a job back in our home town that would start once his current contract finishes. Unfortunately, he didn't get the job which was pretty shit for him personally and also for the neatness of our future plans. His chosen vocation is notoriously thin on the ground with permanent jobs, so for the foreseeable future (once this job ends early next year) he's either (a) giving up his dream occupation, and trying to cope with that (in the past, he's felt quite down when he hasn't been working in that field, and if you stay out too long it jeopardises your chances of returning to the profession) or (b) accepting short term assignments, possibly anywhere around the world...

He doesn't really want to choose (b) but not sure if (a) will make him happy. Guess we'll find out. Again, I'm trying to stay fairly detached from that. I'm keeping myself busy and cultivating a stable headspace, and also keeping open-minded as to where I live and work in the next few years. Our current plan is moving back to our home city once this job runs out, but really - who knows?

My only confidence is we can make it work, and we'll do our best to communicate through to the best solutions rather than slip into lowest common denominator by default. Have had "We can work it out" looping through my head fairly frequently of late :)

OK OK so enough of that already. I had fucking amazing sex last night. At the moment I'm back to home city for a visit. Sugar and I had to go to a friend's wedding in a nearby city so we thought we'd take the opportunity to drop by. S had to return to work but I'm staying another week. Is the first time I've been back since Carob and Ella hooked up, so... yeah. Before Sugar went back, we had a dinner the four of us. Was a tad off-kilter e.g. among other things: C had just told Ella the previous day that he was thinking of moving away, and she was understandably upset and I imagine feeling quite insecure about things... as for me, I hadn't yet caught up with Carob one-on-one since I'd been back, before the dinner. The order of things had got a bit topsy-turvy, but it needed to be that way to make time for everyone to meet up before S scooted off.

Still with me? ;)

Anyway, now Sugar is back and I'm here for another week by myself. Ella said she'd like to catch up with me once or twice before I go, so we took the chance to hang out a bit yesterday.

Well now.

She made me coffee and we were outside sitting on the grass at her place talking. First time we'd talked just the two of us since she and Carob got together. She wrote me a letter (handwritten letter, woo! Lady after my own tastes) which kinda expressed a bit of how she was feeling, but of course it's far superior to talk in person. We covered a bit of ground, then at one point she said "do you want to make out?"

Now Carob had teasingly mentioned things like threesomes, and dripped fantasies into my ear about how it would be to make out with Ella. I ran with them as fantasies sometimes, but really thought that it was presumptuous to assume that would be the case - especially since, as far as I knew, C hadn't brought this up with Ella.

Anyway, I actually had to think about whether I wanted to kiss her or not. I mean, if not for complicating factors, I'd be carefree and go with the vibe and see where things go. But I felt like I shouldn't be that impulsive, given their new relationship and not wanting to affect the healthy trajectory of that, esp with C still not sure of what he wants to do with moving or not. So I thought for a moment about potential pitfalls, if I felt like this was a right step... (this is very unusual for me, maybe I have finally grown up! Haha)

Anyway all signs pointed to: YES.

We kissed. We talked some more. We cuddled. It got darker. We made out some more. I shared passionately my limited knowledge of the visible constellations. She seemed to like that. We got cold, and went to bed. She is really beautiful and said that I was 'smokin hot', which floored me in the best way. At some point we got hungry as we both hadn't eaten since breakfast.

She suggested we catch up with Carob for food. I didn't mind either way - meeting up with him or not. The initial plan (before, ah, god, the sweet nakedness and taste of her skin) was for me to catch up with Ella and then swing round to C's and stay there the night. Now it seemed like we were gonna try this out, how nice is a triangle in bed together?

Turns out - VERY VERY VERY VERY nice. Holy fuck we had fun. I've had a few experiences of group sex but not many. This was a first for me - negotiating the emotions of three people in I suppose a V-shaped relationship bringing bodies together... I was concerned that everyone would feel included and safe and loved. From my perspective, that definitely happened. Lots of touching, group cuddles, I felt held and reassured even when I had the briefest press of skin-on-skin.

We dabbled with a bit of psychological play (apparently she's been discovering her submissiveness since she met Carob) and general roleplaying and a toyed a bit with the pain/pleasure tightrope. Not too much, just a taste. It was good.

We cuddled to sleep the three of us. Is a squeeze in the bed but we made an admirable effort to be sure. Unfortunately for me, though, I was too hyped up to be able to sleep. Not sure when we eventually turned in, but I gave sleeping a good go, at least 3 hours. It was cosy and I didn't want to hop out of bed as I usually do when I can't get to sleep. Also I didn't want them to wake up and wonder where I was, and worry I didn't feel like I had enough room, or I wasn't feeling comfortable for whatever reason.

Anyway, we're definitely going to have to step gently over the next wee while getting used to things. I want to leave enough room for Carob to figure what he wants. I want to let C and Ella's relationship between themselves stand up on its own legs. I'm open to things developing more as a threesome (or maybe foursome, I guess that's the inevitable question, though obviously not the foregone conclusion!) but it's early for their relationship and I'd like them to enjoy and navigate things a bit more just the two of them. If Carob decides to stay, they'll get plenty of space for that by default. So I can see why staying would be good for their relationship. If C can find better work here and sort himself out so he doesn't feel stuck in a rut here (like he does at the moment) it could be the neatest solution. But yeah, guess I'll see what he chooses.

Meanwhile, I'm still feeling really high from the spectacular sexing. My god, the intensity. I really really liked it. I'm keen to find out what the other two's verdicts are. They mumbled positively as they fell asleep but I'd like to look them in the eye over breakfast :) We're hopefully going to the local cafe at which the staff who know us seem to have assumed that Carob is cheating on me since I've been away. Hehe. Will be fun.

Okay, managed to kill an hour and a half writing this and other e-mails. 7am... wonder if I can persuade C + E to wake up. Maybe if I took coffee to bed...
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It seems like work/future insecurities are present in almost everybody's life... Here as well. Hopefully it will all work out good.

Yay for the hot sex. Sounds totally awesome. ;)
Ready to name the beast

It's been a hectic week. Was helping to organise an event on Thursday night (and performing at it), as well as participating in a 48 hour competition over the weekend, before heading back overseas. On the way I seem to have contracted some kind of head cold so tired, icky, heavy head, but happy.

It was so good to see Sugar and eat a home-cooked meal. Our place is really cosy and, even though we've only been here a month or so, it feels like a home-coming to return here. Nice.

Carob has decided to stay in our home town, with Ella. The decision hurt a bit and it did make me feel (non-rationally) like the less favourite person... but I knew it really wasn't about that. We talked and cuddled through some fairly ragged emotions and thoughts. I'm gonna miss him heaps, but we are going to try to do long-distance better (more video chat and projects together even from a distance.) I'm feeling good about the future.

In terms of Ella, well. Gosh. She's sweet, and soft, and very lovely. I asked her to be my girlfriend, and she said yes. Blush, scuff shoes, ah, *squee*


Thought it was an appropriate time to agree to be Carob's girlfriend too. He's been calling me his girlfriend since we hooked up, and I've avoided the term for some reason... now it just feels right. I guess things feel settled enough that putting a label on the jar really doesn't bother me. Won't change what is inside.

So, yeah. I might have to get one of those taglines that explain the shape of everything ;) Eh, maybe not yet.

Aaaah. Yeah. Ella's cute. We're gonna be penpals