So far, so good!

Also, don't be an ass

One thing I forgot to mention was a quite revelatory moment during the discussion of whether Carob should or should not move over to be in the same city as me.

How we were approaching it seemed to be to try to figure out the Best Decision given all the things we knew, pros, cons, etc. And if that failed, trying to access some kind of 'gut instinct' about it. But, really, there was no clear winner. Both options had so many complicating factors that it made it very hard to nut through with thinking.

And when Carob thought about what he felt he ought to do, apart from everything else, he'd vascillate between the two options. "I should move," he'd say one day. Then "I should stay", the next. During this time it was really hard on me emotionally, dealing with him being in a new relationship but also long-distance and missing him.

One night as we were discussing this issue "for the umpteenth time" (as my ma would say), he let slip: "I told Ella I was going to stay."

I'm sorry, what?

That really bit me, like... here we are trying to figure it out, and as far as Ella knows he's already made up his mind to stay. It hurt that he would tell her that straight out, on the one hand, and still be discussing with me like it was an open issue, on the other.

Quite apart from that, though, I felt it was a done deal. I mean, you can't tell someone something like that and just take it back. Well, you can, but it hurts.

So I said: "Well, if you've already told Ella that, then we shouldn't talk about this like it's an open issue. Just treat it like you've made a decision."

And that's when it struck me... Buridan's ass. When I first heard about that concept, my reaction was - yeah, well, that's all fine but really? If you get hungry enough you eat whatever hay. I felt superior to Buridan's ass. Not only is that donkey an impossible donkey, it had no relevance to my life. I'd never do that. Or would I?

We had been avoiding making a decision because we couldn't analyse which way was the 'best' way.

My thoughts, after we almost arbitrarily decided that Carob should stay with Ella, was: "making a decision was a good thing, rather than needing to make a good decision per se." It felt better having had decided. I felt the stress falling away.

If we had battled on through with the decision-making process, we could have had an on-again off-again kind of headspace which would eventually wear us down to (perhaps) breaking. Had been feeling fairly worn-down by the process already.

Now, things are good. Well - I know where we're at. Not looking forward to more LDR, but them's the breaks.

For a while now (mostly for very minor decisions, like, should I go out even though I feel sick or should I get some sleep) I've been using a method to randomly make a decision when I feel stuck in the middle. I flip a coin, and then go with it. Unless I feel disappointed in the outcome, in which case I do the opposite. This works really well as long as you have the rule to only flip the coin once.

My theory is that if you are sad that the coin went a certain way, then you have some kind of preference for the other one (and possibly a preferene that gives the other option an edge, though maybe not)

Anyway, that arbitrary decision-making device has assisted me in those everyday "argh I'm not good an making decisions" moments. Never thought it would be any good for larger things, esp huge life decisions like where to live, but yeah. It seemed to work.

As long as you've tried to figure it out yourself and got nowhere, I guess... Sometimes the indecision makes you less able to make a decision (like a hungry donkey) so something external forcing your hand can break you through. And you realise - well - these relationships transcend space and you would have made it work whatever wherever, surely. Surely. Right? :)
 
I've been getting waves of nausea re: dynamics between Carob, Ella and myself... This has happened a few times before now and it's happening again. I thought it would have abated since we spent time the three of us, but it's back and it's the same feeling.

Have tried to write it out but it comes out really strange. The only thought that makes me feel better (when I feel like this) is breaking up with C. Letting him go his own way.

He doesn't want that, he wants to stay together. We've got a good thing going on.

I don't know where this feeling is coming from. My best guess is it's related to my fear of being inadequate when compared with Ella. Him wanting her more, him wanting me less... Some kind of shifting power (?) balance. I don't talk on these terms, but maybe I feel on these terms.

Is it the case that I can't handle my loss of influence over Carob and I'm packing a sad? Like, I'd rather quit than have to compromise? That's pretty awful if so. I would like not to be that person.

But in a sense, I think I am. I feel more comfortable not playing the game at all, and keeping myself whole, rather than taking a risk of being vulnerable.

Resigning early just in case I lose.

Thing is, I don't really think Carob will drop me. So what gives?

It's gross and long-distance and messy and I can't handle it. Maybe that's all it is. I just don't have the stomach for dealing with the crazy waves of emotions this churns up, right now. I need a break. I want a break. And I'm not sure how to get it.

This is how I feel, when I'm in this state of nausea. Then it passes, sometimes because Carob and I get to chat and I feel close, and safe, but... I dunno. I don't know if either of us have the energy to give our relationship what I need from it right now. I wish this wasn't the case, but I fear it is.

(Just chatted with Carob on Skype. Shared some of these thoughts with him. Was good to get it out. Gonna talk more over the weekend)
 
Got the chance to Skype with Carob yesterday. Was really good to talk things out. It's only recently we've started using Skype and it's so much better than text chat. I definitely feel the distance less when I can see his face.

Taking a break was a dumb idea - not only is it fairly meaningless (neither of us could quite imagine what a break would entail, really), it's also far less preferable to dealing with things now. I guess I was feeling overwhelmed with the prospect of teasing out emotions long-distance. Things being so much better in person (did I mention how much I love cuddle chats?). But, really, Skype isn't so bad. Feeling much better having talked with him.

I've been quite sick since Sunday, feeling gross and drained, which isn't helping my mood.

I don't like feeling needy, and I reckon I'm gonna need a bit of patience and conversation to deal with rough patches of emotions. My instinct is to run and cocoon and deal with myself by myself rather than work things through together. I'm not suggesting this is a good idea, but it's what I feel drawn towards. I'm okay, by myself. I don't feel bad, I am self-sufficient.

Carob said "isn't being vulnerable the whole point of relationships" and yeah, exactly, he's right. I just wish you didn't have to be vulnerable the whole time, ah, man, can't we take a break? It's been full-on... moving cities, coping with bouts of depression, and also a new relationship dynamic... but it's okay. It's good. We can do this.

I remember reading a warning somewhere about things not necessarily being simpler in a triangle rather than a V. I'm feeling that at the moment. When I was feeling really low the other day, I had a brief chat with C (but didn't really express myself well. More like flagged to talk about it later). That made him sad, and he ended up talking with Ella about it. She obviously became confused about how I was feeling, and I felt weird having this rough second-hand version of myself being conveyed to someone else and not knowing how to rewind it or explain it. It gets murky really quickly.

I sent her an e-mail and I think (surprise surprise) all will be much easier with communication. Thought the e-mail exchange was an interesting illustration though. Here are excerpts relating to the above.

It feels a bit like image management (?) but it's not really that. It's like... wanting to communicate well and truthfully and also keep a hold on yourself in a kinda gooey system that you can get lost in :)

Me to Ella:

Heya heya,

Not sure what impression you got from Carob about how I was feeling yesterday. I was in a quite awful emotional space (not helped by still feeling sick) and I had a brief chat w/ C but we needed to talk more. We had a good chat today and feeling much better now :)

I didn't really express myself well to him yesterday, so I feel a bit weird about this poorly sketched out version of my mood kinda getting passed on to you second hand, I dunno. Like I'm being cast into a version of myself that's out of my reach. I guess keeping in touch with you and chatting when we both have the time would help me not feel self-conscious about things like this ...

Arriving and leaving always makes me a bit unbalanced, disoriented... bear with me.

Her reply confirmed my hunch that she was a bit confused by where things stood:

I guess you know how Carob is when he is sad - all heavy sighs and not too subtle. So he kind of has to talk about what's making him feel bad. I feel like things are okay when I see you or talk to you, but when C talks about you I am confused and worry I don't know how you really feel - for instance, you seemed chipper when we talked online on weds, but when you talked to C you were clearly not. I guess this is context and things, how much you can lean on the person you're talking to. But it feels like you might put on a brave face to spare my feelings, or that Carob loves to be pessimistic. I dunno. Bit of both? He was really down on Wednesday anyway. It's not easy eh. Talking's always good though.

I wrote back:

I don't put a brave face on for you, I guess I was worried you would feel that.

I just happened to have a really low point the other night and it was something I wanted to talk w/ Carob about. I don't mind unpacking things with you either, I'm not really into holding things back.

It's all good, eh. This is my real face.

Chat sometime when it suits both of us :)

Oh and yeah, it's pretty un-possible to stop moods from flowing through everyone's dominoes... I'd like to keep communication open enough between us that things are less likely to get lost in translation.

-

When I first started this blog I thought it would be cool to lure Carob and/or Sugar into blogging here too.

I've found it a really good space to vent and tap out thoughts. It may be strange for them to read what I've written so far, and also it may feel different if I know they are reading too. I'm impressed with how people here like Mya and rory use their shared blog. Will have a think about it.

On another note, I linked one of my friends to a blogpost here, and she replied asking whether I keep a blog here too :p That made me really shy and I haven't written back to her yet! I guess I should. Heh. Here's to transparency. May it be kind to me like the most flattering nightgowns.
 
Last edited:
Skype is the best. With regular video calls, I hardly mind the distance between me and Mya. I mean, I would love to have more regular physical connection, definitely, but with the skyping I feel us being in a relationship and connected even when apart. I don't think things would work without that, since we've been in LDR from the beginning.

Thumbs up for the communication. I'm sure taking a break would have solved very little, so it's probably better to keep feeling it and processing it as long as you can. I am similar to you in that when I'm down I'm drawn to being alone. And I do need some of that, but if I go fully with that instinct, it actually becomes counter-productive. I.e., I start to feel worse and worse. That's why I need to, at some point, find the strength to reconnect (not just to my partners but to other people as well).

It's definitely an adjustment to write something you know your partner reads, too. I need to express myself by writing so it's really important to me to not be too restricted in what or how I write. I feel it takes strength sometimes to put something out there, which you suspect will be emotional for your partner to read. Sometimes we've agreed that we'll hold posting for a bit so that we can skype right away after reading about something. With some topics it is emotional, or it feels like there may easily be misunderstandings. I think the most important thing for me is that me and Mya communicate in very similar ways, so misunderstandings are rare. If they were to happen more often, I don't think it would work for me to journal at the same place.
 
Yeah, Skype rules. Just had a sweet chat with Carob about a bunch of things, including possibly blogging here together. Also we're getting better at sexing over video, it's pretty excellent actually. Mm. Yes. :D

Re: shared blog - He brought up some good points about it likely changing the dynamics of the blog, and also being unsure if he wanted to read the inner workings of things from my perspective. Like, maybe this is good for my own processing, and I can simply share with him on a case-by-case basis. (I told him I already do this actually... there've been a few times I've nutted things out here, and fed that back into our discussions.)

Carob also suggested, if we do blog together, it could be better if I kept this one for me, and we start something different the two of us. That was a really good idea, and one I'd quite enjoy I reckon. I said he should think about whether he feels like putting the time in, and get back to me. Cool :)

I'd love to read what Sugar would write on things too (as well as others we are / have been involved with of course) but I doubt he'd be keen on the time investment. I get the impression that he's already having to put in more effort than he'd like for poly things. He's not really interested in getting into a new relationship himself (because of the time/energy that would involve) so, yeah. But I will ask. Might be interesting if we can create a space that he and/or Ella or anyone else we're involved with could chip in. Haha, yeah, maybe I'm dreaming... but it's nice to dream a little.

On a low note, Sugar's been feeling down since yesterday. Er, well, I'm pretty sure I triggered it. We were both sitting around on Saturday afternoon after doing marketing and laundry, minding our own affairs. Things were fine, chillaxed. Then he said he was thinking of having a smoke (some sort of legal marijuana substitute), relaxing and doing some painting, and this (for some reason) made me feel like pouncing him. So all of a sudden I drag him to bed and proposition him, like: c'mon baby do me before you get into painting.

This was quite out of the blue and he was a bit taken aback. He said "where did that come from?" And for some reason, this released a bag of bad vibes...

I didn't really know where my reaction had come from. My first guess, though, made things roll sideways pretty quickly.

"I dunno, I just wanted to get in there before you get involved with other things."

"What do you mean?"

"Like, after you have a smoke, you usually want to hang by yourself."

"But we just spent two hours side by side doing our own thing."

"Oh man, were you feeling weird about that? Did you want to be doing things together?"

"No, I was fine with it, and I thought you were too."

"I was, ah, I don't know, I don't even know whether this is why I suddenly felt like jumping you. It wasn't rational."

"Okay."

That was the tone of our conversation. We hobbled through it and went our own ways after that, only Sugar now felt down. Fuck I hate depression, I'm really bad at handling it. I know my own moods, I know (mostly) what I need to do to manage myself... but someone else's moods? S being down triggers me, especially in a case like this where I feel I was the cause of him feeling bad.

He needs space to sort his own head out, and yup - I can give him that. (He's off walking by himself right now) Just I don't know what to do with my own reaction, wanting to reach out and hold him, wanting to apologise for all manner of things, from recent things I'm sorry for, to fucking up everything in general (yeah, it's all out of proportion at this stage). I feel like an awful partner. He feels awful for making me feel awful. Yeah, it's bad.

I end up doing things like making sure he's warm, making him food, giving him massages if he'd like that. (Gave him a foot massage before he headed off, which was nice) But I also need to care for my own head, so we don't spiral.

One good thing this time, though, is he told me he was feeling sad. Some occasions he pretends he isn't feeling sad (when he obviously is.) He says "I'm okay, I'm just tired." I take him at face value, but then can't comprehend how he's behaving towards me. Later, he generally admits "yeah I was feeling depressed. But I didn't want to tell you otherwise it would make you upset too." Argh! Yeah, he's right, it does also make me upset (obviously) but I need him to tell me the truth. I dunno, lying hurts and confuses me. I don't ever want to have to read between the lines.

So, this time, I stress how grateful I was that he was upfront about feeling down. Even though he wanted to avoid upsetting me. Yeah, small steps forward.

As for me, I think I'd like to work through my own guilt towards Sugar. As I said there are a whole range of things which I feel bad about, that get dredged up when he feels sad. I know it's not really my fault he's upset, but y'know? It's really hard to feel ok as a partner, when the person you wanna be the sunshine for is seeing nothing but rain.

I really fucking struggle with these moments. I haven't had enough experience with depression (personally or dealing with partner's depression) to be the right kind of supportive, I think. But I'm doing my best.

One thing I would like to do is to pay some close attention to the various things I feel sorry for re: Sugar, maybe compile a litany of guilts :p I think it will feel better to name the shadows, at least as a first step towards dispelling them.

Also, make sure I'm there and willing to put in time for him. We probably need some more agreed-upon dates. I dunno, right now I feel like I've churned from one whirlpool into another. (Need some respite) But I guess that's how this system works, we gotta adjust and adjust til the dynamics are right.

Sugar and I've been working at sex between us. As I mentioned at the start of this blog, that aspect of our relationship went from pretty fucking hot and hard-out to - well - fairly non-existent these days. Well, the energy has dissipated into different things, different ways of being together. We are quite content and familiar and on some level don't really mind that we're not fucking as often or as intensely as we used to. But gah, I miss it. I miss it in an absolute sense, and I also miss the confidence it gave me in our relationship. I feel we're missing a piece at the moment. The machine still runs alright, but there's that nut loose... threatening to fly off...

Talking with Sugar about how much I miss sex kinda fucks shit up. There's too much guilt there. And I have to admit, I'm okay about waiting for sex until he feels more in the mood. (As long as it's not forever... ? ? Hehe. Dammit, maybe even then! Therein lies the issue, I guess)

We've had moments of amazing tenderness and openness about the topic, but it's hard.

At my darkest points I wonder - what if this poly stuff has made things irrevocably worse between us sexually? Even if I knew for sure it was poly that was the problem (i.e. all that would 'fix' Sugar's & my sexual relationship would be for me to be with him and him alone), would that mean I was willing to change to being monogamous? (That would hurt like fuck, now, I don't think that is really an option for me... But god, should it be?)

We confronted this issue recently in conversation. Sugar said that it's possible (as much as anything is possible) that he'd feel like having sex with me more if he knew I wasn't able to get it anywhere else. Some people in monogamous relationships claim that being monogamous helps keep the sex alive for them, or something. But yeah, this is all hypothetical and it's really not where we're at (to experiment with this.) As above, it's kind of a non-option for us. So thankfully, we can only conjecture... I suppose it's a blessing that we can't know for sure if this would help, anyway.

Some ideas we've come up with to crank the fire have been: to try our best to be open to sex, to make an effort to touch heaps (sexually or not), to write / share erotic fiction (something we've done more in the past), and - recently - spanking.

Mm.

Well, I stumbled upon this on-line discussion between wives who had asked their husbands to spank them regularly and, fuck, to be honest it was a huge turn-on. Sugar and I play about with the husband/wife dynamic in a jokey way often, and this seemed perfect. Seems like some people get spanked a set amount every day/week/whatever regardless of any particular reasons or transgressions.

It's twisted but it pushed my buttons. We definitely do not have the Man-Wears-The-Pants arrangement in our relationship, well... eh. If you don't understand what consensual mindfuck is, you won't get this :) But anyway, I brought this fantasy up with Sugar, and asked him "Do you think it would help if you spanked me regularly?"

He said "yeah, it probably would."

Wet. Hot.

So, yeah. Definitely hitting him up about that (no pun intended) In fact, I have scored a spanking date for tonight. As far as I can tell he's still up for it, once he's had his time out this evening. Yay. If I manage to write out the things I feel guilty about, beforehand, I might send it to him as potential discussion points for when he spanks me ;)

Ah man, feeling sorry for our neighbours right now. But not that sorry. No, not really that sorry at all.

In other news, local poly group social on tonight. I may go. Absolutely saturated on the relationship front - no hook-ups, please! - but probably could use a poly-friendly environment to hang in. We'll see.
 
Last edited:
fuchka said:
My instinct is to run and cocoon and deal with myself by myself rather than work things through together. I'm not suggesting this is a good idea, but it's what I feel drawn towards. I'm okay, by myself. I don't feel bad, I am self-sufficient.

Carob said "isn't being vulnerable the whole point of relationships" and yeah, exactly, he's right. I just wish you didn't have to be vulnerable the whole time, ah, man, can't we take a break? It's been full-on... moving cities, coping with bouts of depression, and also a new relationship dynamic...
Click to expand...
I don't think being vulnerable is the point of being in relationship, but I do feel that good relationships allow space for us to feel vulnerable... or strong.. or witty... or depressed... and whatever else we feel. But if we need space and time to be alone, and in a cocoon for a while, we should be able to have that too.

Always being pressed to process stuff can be taxing and isn't appropriate for everyone, all the time. If you need time to yourself, take it, but make positive use of it. Though it may be tempting just to pull the covers up and cry, and doing so may give you a cathartic release, also (or instead) get out or go do something that makes you feel renewed and refreshed, even if it's a stroll through the park or ten minutes of window-shopping (bubble baths have been known to work wonders for me!).

Just because the people we're close to want All Togetherness All The Time doesn't mean we are wrong to want some time apart to unhinge and collect ourselves. They have to make an effort to understand that talking time for yourself is not an affront to anyone else, but something necessary, that satisfies your personality.
 
Yep, nycindie, you're quite right.

In this particular case, it was more complicated then "I just need a processing break" (in the end) It was also - "I don't think we can do the processing that we need to do long-distance." "I don't want to be a drag on you" etc. But turns out it wasn't so bad. Skype is way way better than text chat, shoulda tried this long ago.

But yes, I hear you. Definitely need to take space I need. Bubble baths are good! I recently had a bath bath, like someone drew an old-fashioned bath for me - wow. My cousin who lives nearby has a bath at her place, will hit her up for that sometime.

re: vulnerability, I guess what we actually agreed was that it's part and parcel of what's good about relationships rather than the primary purpose. "The whole point" was a tad hyperbolic, I admit :p

Just planning a trip away by myself travelling for a month later this year - a couple of weeks with a friend in the US and then hopefully hopefully sailing for 2 1/2 weeks with another friend and his dad! So yup, most certainly getting the time off for me that I need :) You bring up some good, challenging thoughts nycindie; I enjoy the way you counter-point
 
Floated idea of blogging together with Sugar, he's open to it in theory (yay!) but he said to talk more when we know more details about what we were thinking (Carob and I). He also said it could give him an idea of what I meant if I sent him the link to my current blog (this one). Haha. Ah. Ah. I didn't really think this through did I.

I reckon our communication in general is pretty good (both with S & C) and they understand context enough (this being a private kinda ranty blog, albeit on a public forum!) that we could work through any concerns arising from them reading my personal posts. I wouldn't want to have to censor myself; I enjoy being able to write fairly freely here.

Will have a think about it. Maybe let them have a read of what I've written so far. And maybe have some kind of deal that if it's getting messy for whatever reason, I can ask them to stop reading for a while (if that would work). We'll see.

Poly social thing was cool. Met a few people again that I'd connected with briefly last time I went along to something run by this group. There were a couple of people I really clicked with, but aha... no time for that :) Well, maybe with N... sometime later... if she liked me too... Well, she was quite quite nice and we jived. But left without exchanging details and that felt right, so have set that paper boat sailing for now.

Re: spanking, heh. First night Sugar was so enthusiastic that I got too freaked to let him. Next time I actually was too sleepy and had a headache (I swear). But we stole a quickie between appointments yesterday and it was really nice :) A good way to reconnect.

In other news, Carob and I are getting really good at the videosexin. Sweeeeet. And, a sideways cute thing: Skyping with C yesterday, and he looked beaming. I asked him - what are you so happy about? He said "I'm feeling hopeful about the future". "Aww," I said, kind of assuming it was something relationship-related, "what in particular is making you so hopeful?"

It was the $25 Linux computer :)

Gotta admit, that made me pretty hopeful about the future too :p But, yeah. Just a funny moment.
 
After an uncharacteristically early dinner with Sugar yesterday, we went for a walk through the park to a nearby suburb. Seems like it's been ages since we rolled about the streets at night, checking out new places in our neighbourhood. Ended up at a cosy pub, I had the local bitter (a truly awful beer) and he had something fancy in a bottle from a microbrewery. Cuddled on a couch and talked for a couple of hours. I had a snooze on the tram on the way home, then we shared an overpriced convenience store donut.

I love him so much. He is good to me and good for me. We chatted a bit about dynamics between friends and lovers - there's quite a lot going on on that front at the moment. Thinking about how to best explain the various threads on my blog, I decided to make a chart :)

picture.php


There are more stories I've left out, involving even more other people, but I'll start with these for now *grin*

The one that's top of the charts is my smouldering crush on Patch. He's an ex-lover of a dear friend of mine Ayla (who, as a separate thing, has told me she's attracted to me... mm, we've hooked up a few times, just kissing and such, but the last time was a bit of a disaster as unbeknownst to me, she had broken the rules of her relationship with her (now) ex so us making out was cheating. She has an on-again off-again thing with him still so I've been keeping my body and heart away from that. I love her dearly but really don't like being part of any dramadramas. However... she's coming over for a visit later this month and staying here so... ah... yeah.)

Anyway, back to Patch :)

I knew him through Ayla when they were dating for years way back when. Their breakup was hard (actually iirc it involved opening up their relationship, Ayla getting together with someone else, and Patch not coping well with that.) Anyway, really messy at the end. She still refers to him as the love of her life.

So... I was chatting casually with Carob a couple of months ago about Patch cos he's now living in the same city as I am. We've had the chance to catch up a few times one-on-one which we'd not really done before. He's a deep soul, I really like the person he is. We've had conversations like, yeah. I'm quite attracted.

Anyway, I mentioned this to Carob casualy, and he said - hey, that would weird me out. I was surprised by this, as I actually knew Patch before I met C, although P and C have been friends for years and years before that (separately). It wasn't like I had a gut guess that C wouldn't be comfortable. I hadn't really considered this dynamic at all.

My reaction was - really? How come? And he felt like I was making light of his reaction. As if he needed an explanation for me to take his emotion seriously.

But I didn't feel like instantly giving him the response he probably wanted, which was "oh okay, in that case I won't go there."

We don't have many boundaries (in fact, none really comes to mind apart from safer sex) so we haven't had much experience negotiating them.

C's reaction to me talking about hooking up with Patch made me consider what Ayla would think about that. It's been a few years since they were together, and she's been with other people since then, but still.

So recently I chatted with her about this too, and she said "sorry, yeah, that would be weird for me." She didn't ask me to promise anything, and I didn't... but it was good to know her feelings. Take them into account. We both like the idea of seizing opportunities and going with the flow of things but, yeah. This is tender skin still.

I mentioned to Carob: you don't have to worry anymore. I'm going to avoid things with Patch cos Ayla would find that awkward right now. And C says - well, now. She gets to have a veto and I don't? (This was his kick-in-the-guts reaction to it. C is really expressive with his emotions, and when he feels hurt he just spits out sentences like they're his teeth that you've just punched out)

So we talk some more, and I admit that I didn't give enough respect to his feeling about it. I was curious as to where it was coming from, and it's a boundary that I would like to be open to shifting... but still we needed to start at a place of respect.

I've said I won't kindle things with Patch until and unless Carob's okay with that. And Carob's agreed to unpick this with me at some point. There's no hurry... Gonna keep things solidly platonic at least until Ayla visits.

Patch hurt his shoulder badly recently and I gave him a lengthy back massage. He takes massage really well, it was fun. Apparently he gives a good massage too. I usually don't get massages so, mm. What I was really thinking though is whether we could tempt Ayla with a double massage *grin*

So that's that part of the crazy star chart of friends & lovers! Just heard from S that he's on the way home so I'll have to figure how quickly I can cook dinner. Whoops, making that diagram took longer than I thought.
 
So the other night was out with friends, Loki and T. This guy J was there who I'd met once before and kinda liked, we connected. Loki is an old friend of mine, she's really cool and chilled. Sugar used to have wee crush on her, but when he mentioned it to her she said she wasn't sure what T would think about that (she and T are dating, and not sure where they're at re: monogamy).

That said, Loki and I made out this one time (I actually took ages to tell S about this because I didn't want him to feel like... peeved/jealous?) but afterwards she said she'd have to talk to T more about it. Seems they've talked a bit because when we were out this time she said that sometime when we weren't out drinking maybe we could get together in a body tumble sorta thing. The three of us hung out at the back of the bar for a bit and cuddled and kissed, mm. I told T I didn't want to make complications in their relationship and he said: nah, this is very good and enabling. I love them both, they are lovely people... so yeah. Happy that we might be able to moosh bodies sometime, if the moment feels right.

Anyway, back to J. I didn't mean this to happen but ended up going home with him and staying the nght. I don't usually have really vanilla sex for long but that's more or less what happened all night & morning. Was surprisingly good. Not too much conversation, but we were on the same vibe. He's a nice guy, haven't talked to him since but yeah. Cosy, loving, fun encounter. At one point he said "you know I'm not really looking for a relationship" and I said "haha, I definitely am not".

When I told S about it, he said "oh yeah, J, the guy who looks like Carob. And Gilby" Awww man, he was right. Damn.

Carob was a bit :/ to hear about it. The distance and missing and mm, yeah. Gotta make plans to see each other again soon.

Made me feel like I really want to focus on the relationships I have, feed them well. I guess we all have this capacity for making new connections... I am quite an open person and I like showing love and care to other people. But I'm feeling a bit homesick for the familiar folk, my family and friends. Maybe being away from my hometown. It's not that I think they're necessarily better than other people, it's more like... we've got deep roots and an easier ability to nourish each other.

Took this mood with me to a dinner yesterday with this chick I met on the tram. She's new to the city too, pretty friendly, uke-toting. We hung out and played a bit of music together then we went to her friends' place. It was a fun party, apart from... ah. So turns out this girl wanted to have sex with me, and her friends were up for some kind of group sex. I dunno, they were perfectly nice people and we had fun talking. I may have been more attracted to her friends, but I guess I was also feeling a bit... just wanting cuddles from Carob, Sugar, other friends. Was odd, cos I don't usually feel this strong preference for people I know vs strangers when it comes to hanging out but yeah... I guess I'm feeling a bit branch-heavy; must tend to the roots.

Seemed a bit rude sloping off after being shown much hospitality but it felt really nice to get home and crawl into bed with S. Are my adventuring days over? :p Ha, unlikely. But yeah, it's good to like what you have and have what you like.
 
Ah, money woes. Carob hates his job, has done for all the time I've known him. It just makes ends meet for him, he can't really save on it.

One thing I forgot when moving here to be with S (and taking time off my job back home) was what this would mean about me being able to support Carob financially. I'm totally out of currency in my home country, like, bottom of the barrel skint. So when C is stressing about money I can't spot him any cash to tide him over.

And also.. not sure when we'll next get to see each other. I'm already borrowing some cash off Sugar to travel in Aug & Sept (road trip with a friend through the States! then sailing back from Vanuatu to my home city! So will see C then at least, but... I would love to make it before that)

Currently scraping together a bit of cash with flexible work but my personal focus at the moment is to advance various creative projects of mine. I don't usually get as much freedom to do this as I have at the moment and it's very good. I kind of want to make the most of it.

Been helping C with his CV. His current plan is to find better work in our home city... hope he manages to do that. But if not, I'm going to suggest he look for work here. S & I may be based here til April next year, or (who knows) maybe longer. Don't expect to be but it's really hard to tell how things will unfold.

Haven't had much chance to chat with Ella. Skype'd once last week and chatted on the weekend. Talked with her a wee bit today, but then she said "I heard from C that you're coming here before your trip?" (That's not our current plan; it's C's turn to visit this time and I'm hoping he'll come here cos I'd rather stay here til I leave rather than detour before my travels. Our fall-back plan is that I try visit him on the way overseas)

This was a bit triggering for me, I felt like he'd decided he wasn't going to come see me and hadn't told me about it. I guess I'm more sensitive about these things from a distance. Nigh impossible to get the dynamics between the three of us (Carob, Ella and I) feeling good without physically being there in person.

Luckily I was chatting with Carob soon afterwards and I brought this up. He said "bub, I want to visit but I just don't know if I can afford it". He's really stressed and upset about money things right now, poor dude. Yeah, wish I could help him more. This is something I'd love to work on for the future. Sugar & I have a good thing going on, we share finances and have really similar goals and values in terms of communal living and earning. Not sure how into all that C feels... in a fairly informal way we have supported each other but it hasn't been fully intertwined yet the way it is with S and me.

In other news, Sugar and I going to local poly group discussion thing tomorrow. Looking forward to it.
 
Ok, just booked tickets to see Carob (and Ella, briefly) end July, before I go to the States. Ella's heading away for a month round then so will catch her for a couple of days only. Hopefully will get out of town with Carob for a bit of it. In a couple of weeks will be three years since C & I got together. Will be nice to celebrate with a trip out of the city somewhere.

Last year for our anniversary we stayed in this hut and watched the LoTR trilogy by the fireplace. (Carob is really awesome with making fire, mm, one of his passions it seems) At that time we dreamt of coming back again and maybe watching some other epic marathon, like Harry Potter. I haven't seen any of the movies and only read one book so will be cool if we manage it.

Anyway, happy there's a date to look forward to. Mm, countdowns :)
 
Money woes, same here (still)... Can make a person very tired.


But it's good you are able to visit! :) And you have totally the right ideas about spending time, with movies and closeness.
 
rory said:
Money woes, same here (still)... Can make a person very tired.
Click to expand...

Yup, definitely, and also other things are harder to talk about. When you're under or on that financial baseline it's not much fun.

But it's good you are able to visit! :)
Click to expand...

Yeah, I asked S if he didn't mind if I detoured... was just a bit extra for flights. He seemed surprised it would even be an issue. I feel strangely awkward about things like this, not earning at the moment, and getting S to pay for me to see Carob. Maybe it's a hangover of feeling like this second relationship is something I should feel guilty about.

On the other hand, if I hadn't moved here to keep S company I wouldn't have this issue so :) I guess it all works out.

And it's not like I'm taking him for granted. In fact I feel so so deeply grateful. Definitely not keen to erode one healthy relationship for the sake of another, but this feels right, nourishing both ways.

Thanks for your comments rory. Funny how you all are going through similar stresses! It's nice to feel connected even from the other side of the world.

[Hehe, I just realised I've been disinclined to use Sugar for S recently, talking about money things. A couple of people have been teasing me about him being my sugardaddy! Mm. I started off with Sage which I like but it's also the nick of another person on this forum. So I'm gonna go with Sago from now. Hope it's not too confusing. Or at least, no more so than usual :) Ha]
 
Last edited:
Poly group meet-up yesterday was cool. Interesting, diverse bunch as usual and I was really happy to have Sago there with me. His first time at a local poly thing here (my third) and he seemed to like it. The discussion was more political than usual, some debate over the same-sex marriage lobby and how that relates to poly, whether it's problematic that the argument is often advanced in a way that appeals to mainstream (i.e. we're the good, monogamous kind of gay), whether people feel like poly-activism directly (banner waving) or just simply living out their lives, whether in fact it's more important to keep a low profile legally rather than draw attention to poly (i.e. keep the law off your back, esp with family law matters).

First half is whole group discussion and then you break into small groups for more personal questions. I raised a thought I've been having recently - how I relate to Ella. I like her, I care about her, loved our sex, conversation... Yeah this is a relationship I'm glad I'm in and it would be cool to get to know her more.

But but but I still think of her as Carob's girlfriend primarily. He's still figuring out how he feels about her, and they're finding their feet together. I don't really want to get in the way of that, in particular making things messy if I'm into it and Carob isn't. I'd rather leave space enough for them to go either way.

This means an uncharacteristic kind of caution for me, and I have wondered if I'm doing right by Ella, simply picking the safer path. Whether I should dive in and - fuck it - see how it goes. However, I feel there's a possible train wreckage that way. I'd like to be able to care for her no matter what happens between her and Carob. And likewise care for Carob. This requires a bit of distance...

Luckily, I got oodles of physical distance :) I've been keeping things low-key with Ella, regulating my emotions, taking it easy... It's felt right. Guess risky is not always the smart option.

Someone else in my small group shared a similar experience, where she'd gone all in. Apparently train wreck did ensue, badness between the guy and the other girl, she and he stayed together and the third person broke up with both of them. Not that break ups are always a failure but I'd rather give relationships the best chance possible to grow into what they could be, I mean, that's the point of seeding them in the first place ne?

Next post I'm gonna have to deal to some of those stories in that over-the-top chart I made :p Whoops.
 
Side saga

Time for another friends/lovers story from the admittedly excessive chart I included in my blog here :)

Drew is a friend of Carob's and mine. Actually I met Drew first, over a decade ago, at a party at a mutual friend's place. I didn't know at the time that C was another flatmate. He was at the party too... Yet another missed connection with him. Guess living in a small-ish city with relatively intertwined circles, you pass people a lot just beyond your peripheries before you meet them properly.

A funny moment with Drew soon after Sago and I got together. The three of us (Drew, Sago and me) were sitting outside a pub drinking a beer together, and Drew said "so what, are you two boyfriend and girlfriend now?" At the same time, S said "yes" and I said "no"... hehe... Then we said "ah, I guess we need to talk about this". Hilarious.

When Drew found out that Carob and I had hooked up, he was (and actually still is, I think) against it. He is still friends and doesn't really voice his opinion unless you ask him (which is probably why we can still socialise alright with him) but at various times (mostly to C) he's said things like Sago and I having a "sham marriage", that we're fooling ourselves, that this can't actually be right. He's fine with us doing whatever with our lives, but he sees us waking up to reality at some point and admitting that he was right.

Well, Drew is married to Olive who I've since gotten to know more and am friends with. Apparently Olive found out that D had cheated on her with another friend's (Antonin's) ex-girlfriend. So... they made this deal giving Olive five 'free passes' (considering Drew cheated five times) with someone else. And to add to the perfect symmetry (I find this all quite twisted by the way), Drew suggested that Olive have sex with Antonin.

We-ell... this all happened, however Olive committed the cardinal sin of writing flirty e-mails with Antonin while she co-ordinated her five free fucks. Drew found out, and felt like O had cheated on him by getting emotionally invested rather than just having sex.

Olive's told me that while she and Antonin were doing their thing, she really enjoyed her relationship with Drew. She would like if things could have continued, but she really doesn't see this as possible since Drew is very monogamous in outlook.

Meanwhile, Drew is really pissed off with Antonin to the point that we can't invite them both to the same social occasion. He's on the brink of Olive breaking up with him (oh they have a kid too, a real cutie!) because he is unwilling to entertain the possibility that their relationship may work out healthier (and be actually possible / sustainable) if he was open to O being with other people.

All this is fine (well, relationships may have to end over it, but it's all fair enough) apart from... Drew is not really the monogamous type in the way he behaves. He tried to hook up with me when he and Olive had just got together. O knows he rolls like this and she understands him... well... ah, who knows. The point of this tale is not to speculate about their lives :)

It was more that - this shit is tangly! And it's bizarre watching it unfold given Drew's long-standing objection to Sago, Carob and me being a viable way to grow a relationship.

It's hard to know how to be good friends to them all at the moment, i.e. how to be supportive of people when what each of them wants may not be compatible with the other. Just trying to be especially caring at the moment, a sounding board if need be. Not taking sides, keeping communication open etc etc.

Another point - Olive has made out with me a few times at parties and such - recently she told me that Drew wouldn't be happy about it (?!) Ah man, I wish people wouldn't do things that are breaking the rules with their partners. At least not do them with me. Maybe I should be more vigilant about this. (I actually have started to be after a few unintentionally bad experiences with friends. Whoops)

Well enough of that Saga. One more tale and we've made it through the whole chart. Yay :p
 
Went out to a house party last night with S, was fun. Almost 100% people I didn't know. Enjoyed socialising. Was a place with a decent backyard and I spent a bit of time by myself gazing at the stars.

A childhood friend of Sago's is in town, so S went out with him today while I kept to myself. A few domestic tasks, working away at some things I'm making, read AnnabelMoore's amazing fanfic ;) and Skyped briefly with Carob. He's in the zone with his own projects at the moment, so didn't have time to chat for very long. Turned down videosexing! Woah. So no relief there, ah well. Luckily I can tend to my own needs. When C is really into what he's working on, he gets a bit single-minded. Sago is like that too. At the poly thing we went to, I joked to someone that S's primary relationship is with his research interests!

I guess I'm not too different. Keep myself busy on things I value. Of course I value relationships but when I'm on the scent of something good, I like not being distracted from my task.

(This includes during sex, hehe. Apparently I'm savage! So says Carob, Ella... and a few ex-lovers concurred. Sago didn't get what they meant, but then again neither did I really so that makes two of us. Something to do with knowing what I want and being upfront about it (says an ex). Interesting. In response, I was going to say "it's not like I'm going to eat you" but that's not entirely true...)
 
Last edited:
Just censored this blog for the first time. I'd written something rough to summarise something Carob told me about how he was feeling. Something like: "C and Ella a bit so-so. He said he's been resenting spending time with her. I suggested it's maybe because when he is really into what he's working on, he gets a bit single-minded."

At the time when I wrote this (in previous post) I wasn't quite sure if I should put it that way, given it's about C & Ella's relationship and pretty flippantly phrased. But I thought - I've got the basic gist of things across, don't want to spend ages rephrasing my personal blog. It's good enough, post it, move on.

Then recently Ella replied to my e-mail to her, linking to the aforementioned fanfic. I had told her it was written by a person whose blog I follow. So she asked for the link to the blog. Which, mm, would likely lead her to this blog. I could ask her please not to read my blog but (a) I'm not sure I want to request that restriction and (b) I can't be sure whether, for example if she's feeling confused/frustrated about something, she won't go ahead and read it anyway. Impulses happen, especially if you're upset. I kinda don't want to worry about those sorts of things.

This is typical of me. I don't often think things all the way through in advance, I can't seem to traverse the possibilities. I prefer to take baby steps and trust I can figure it out along the way.

So, I suppose the point is: do I want any of my lovers reading my blog? Not sure. Well. It's more like: I wouldn't want to tell them not to. I think I'd rather have an environment of trust, that they take whatever I've written with a pinch of salt... It's not necessarily well-edited, it might be poorly phrased... If something you read upsets or confuses you, please talk with me about it. This is a blog that's been helpful for me to unravel and chronicle my own thoughts & experiences re: relationships... I don't want to censor but I also don't want to hurt you. I love you. That's all :)
 
Grain of Salt.

I totally hear that. Sync found my blog some time ago, and it was Not Pretty. I was using it as a place to sort through some pretty twisty/tricky emotions, and without that (generous) pinch of salt it most definitely hurt her feelings to hear that whole side of my process. I dunno, I think that there is something to be said for having private space to sound out your feelings in a community of relative strangers. I've had both of my bois ask if they can read my blog, and I have said that it's my space.... part of me would love to have them know my process, but at the same time I feel like I'd lose a little bit of my feeling of freedom that I have when expressing myself! Would love to hear what you decide.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top