So it begins...

It seems what we thought looked more like a triad is settling into more of a Vee with me as the hinge and Tabs and V as more of FWBs. Not sure how this is going to work, but going to let it be what it's going to be. If something grows between Tabs an V then I'm open to that as well. Hoping I can manage being a good hinge. I'm willing to put in the work and try.
 
Well, this is not what I was expecting. Things kind of settling into a Vee is taking some adjusting to on my part. I guess I'm just worried about everyone getting what they need. I also a little worried that if things between Tabs and V do develop into more as this progresses how I'm going to handle that. I know the potential is there and I'm open to it. Just don't know how I will handle that shift if it happens. Right now Tabs and V get along. I guess I worry about what will happen if feelings develop for one of them and not the other. Just got some worries and both assure me they are ok with how things are. Maybe I just need to quit worrying and just let it be what it's going to be. It's just hard to not worry when I have 2 people depending on me as a wife and partner.
 
It has been a crazy week. Long hours at work and lots of exhaustion on my part. Right now it's not even 10pm and I'm past ready to crawl in bed.
 
So I have kind of reached a new place that I'm quite happy with. After worrying myself almost crazy about my relationship with Tabs, I'm not worrying any more. For where we are we are strong. I love her and she knows it now. I'm no longer worrying myself about Tabs and V's relationship. They have to handle whatever they are.

Yesterday a friend was telling me about a mutual friend that just came out as lesbian and how she and her partner are seeing another lesbian couple. I started thinking and realized I have been over thinking all of this. I have let my over thinking cause me to worry more and just enjoy my relationships less. All the worry is pointless when it stops me from enjoying what I have right now. I can't force Tabs to do anything differently and I don't exactly want to. I want our relationship to grow as its going to without trying to force it to be where I want it or to go the direction I want it to.

I feel so much better after taking some time to come to think and realize wjat I was doing to myself and my relationships. My worry was starting to cause problems. It had me in this weird funk and they were picking up on it. Until today I had not realized my worry was causing me to act petty and childish. I was starting to over think things between Tabs and V and was honestly worried that if they grew closer it would hurt my relationship with Tabs. I wasn't listening to what she was actually telling me. I heard it, but didn't listen to it. Now I see where I was messing up. I was becoming jealous and starting to act jealous. Now, I feel free to love her fully and let them be whatever they are going to be. It was like realizing all of this freed me from the jealous feelings. Not saying something like this won't happen again, but I'm making steps in the right direction.
 
Being a hinge is hard!!! Or at least it's hard for where things are at right now. Not looking like it's going to get any easier in the days to come. Dealing with feelings and working past them is never easy.
 
Welcome to the roller-coaster known as emotions and feelings, A.K.A. NRE. What a damn whirlwind it can send you on. Right now Tabs and I are good. V and I are good. I don't have a clue where Tabs and V are. They talk face to face and things seem ok, then they have a few days where they can't see each other and things go downhill. Tabs wants to know where she stands with V. I get that. I have been there with Tabs. V wants things to be friends slightly more than friends and see where it goes without forcing it. I get that. I'm not going to put myself in the position of being their go between. They have to work this out with each other. I listen to them as objectively as I can and offer advice if I'm able.

V can be confusing right now so I understand Tabs frustration. He says he misses her, wants her, cares for her, likes spending time with her and the level of comfort he has in talking to her. She sees that as more than I like you but not at I love you. She doesn't love him, but she more than just likes him. She feels he runs hot then cold. He feels that she feels more than she will say, but also feels that will calm down some as tI me goes on.

I feel like I'm watching a soap opera. I'm careful in what I say to both, because I don't want to lead either on about the other. I want to see them sit down and TALK to each other and rationally figure out what they are wanting and doing. They were supposed to do that but when they are together sex seems to be what happens because they are both physically attracted to each other and have extremely high sex drives.

NRE is a bitch! I see them both every day. If for some reason dont, I miss them. For me NRE is beginning to calm down. I guess because we'll V and I have been together 13 years and married for 12. I harbored a crush on Tabs for months before I acted on it and we have now been together a couple of months, but see each other daily. We talk, we have had several dates, some just for lunch, some for a night out with friends, some to do things together with the kids. She has come and spent time at our house just us, all 3 of us, all of us plus the kids. I feel pretty secure in where she and I are right now. We both know how the other feels and we are good with that.

Crap! In my ramblings I have just had a light bulb go off. Tabs doesn't feel secure in where she and V are. I can't help that, but that is the entire issue. Now I get it and can possibly help them both.
 
Last night I was talking to V. It's very obvious he and I do poly on different ways. To him I am primary and everyone and everything comes somewhere after that. That bugs me because it reeks of couple privilege. It's how he is and always has been. To me I do not make a distinction between my partners. I don't do couple privilege. If 1 of my partners has a need I do my best to meet it. The only 1 that will come ahead of a partner is my child and only then if it's something they can't do for themselves.

V and I talked a while about this last night. I explained how I feel and he said he understands and while it's not him he will not ask me to try and put him ahead of Tabs. He just wants me to be sure my relationship with him does not suffer and that I tend to it.
 
We all know relationships develop differently and at different speeds. I'm learning that while I understand this and am for the most part good with this, I do struggle at times. It's frustrating for me because it is not something I want to struggle with. I catch myself comparing relationships and I have to stop myself. I know doing that will only lead to dissatisfaction and resentment. I do not want to resent either of my partners for what they feel or what may be felt for them.

When they get time together I am genuinely happy for them and turned on by their happiness together. When something is going on with them and they aren't happy, it affects me. While I honestly expected it, it still catches me off guard and surprises me. I try not to let their emotions affect me and how I act towards either of them, but it happens.

It was all so easy in the beginning, and really we are still in the beginning, since we have only been together a couple of months. I'm noticing though that as feelings develop at different paces it is becoming harder to all stay on the same page. We are communicating, but as different stress levels, personalities, insecurities coming up or out that becomes difficult as well. Sometimes we have to be very intentional about talking to each other. It's not very romantic and is an NRE killer, but it's necessary, especially when NRE takes over and begins to run wild for 1 or several.
 
In an irritated funky mood. Trying not to take it out on my partners. Im not being very successful because I took my irritation out on V. I know where it comes from, but I also know that for now there is nothing I can do about it because of circumstances outside my control. Now V feels like he has done something wrong even though I assure him he hasn't and apologized for my taking my mood out on him.
 
Love when I can openly talk to my partners about the part of me that loves and enjoys being with my girlfriend and the part of me that loves and enjoys being with my husband and how those 2 things though separate are intertwined and can't be fully separated. For me, while I'm ok with only having one, I need both. I love that they are so completely accepting of me.
 
I am so so so fortunate to be surrounded by awesome and amazing people in my life. Everyone that knows or learns about our relationship has been accepting of it and my girlfriend, even if they don't understand. So happy to be surrounded by such great people. Wish everyone had the awesome group to support them like I do.
 
Glad to hear things are going (in more ways than one) well for you right now! :)
 
Others opinions of what an open marriage should look like to be considered "right", piss me off when they openly say the way Victor and I do it is wrong. Victor was recently told by someone that our marriage is not really open if I'm aware of what he does, who he is with, and where he goes. That if we are truly open then all I need to know is that he left and when he gets home. It really iritated me because 1) it's not another's place to say how we open our marriage 2) it's a safety measure in knowing where we are each going, who we will be with, and when we expect to be home 3) it's our marriage.

Victor does not tell me what he does when he leaves our house unless I ask when he gets home. Even then I trust him and don't ask specific questions, but rather ask questions along the line of "Did you have fun? How was your day? Did you see/do anything interesting?" If he says I'm going to meet friends I may ask who so if something happens or I need to contact him I have more than 1 way to get in touch. Depending on which friends he is hanging out with I know a general area of where he will be if I need to go look for him. He does give me a general idea of when to expect him home as well so I don't worry unless he is later than he said he would be. I do all of this for him when I leave home as well. To me it shows respect and care for your partner.

It irritates me that someone would try to tell him if you really want an open marriage "this" is how it should be. There are as many ways to have an open marriage as there are people in the world. How we do open may not be how someone else does it, but neither of us would tell anyone they are doing it wrong or it can only be open if they do it the way we think it should be done.

Sorry just had to vent that frustration.
 
People seem to think there are universal rules to monogamous marriage as well but there really are not. Aside from the monogamous part. People share finances or don't. People share a bedroom or don't. People are only allowed friends of the same gender, or not. People have sex with each other or don't. Even in fairly structured societies relationships differ, so of course they do in Western democracies. Humans like to assure themselves they are "right" or at least "not wrong" so they like for everyone to follow the same set of rules. Despite the fact that they never really do.

Leetah
 
Re (from StumblingAlong):
"Victor was recently told by someone that our marriage is not really open if I'm aware of what he does, who he is with, and where he goes."
Click to expand...

That's rather bizarre of that person. DADT isn't normally even recommended in poly circles.
 
This person is not poly. This incident made me become a little leary of them.
 
When what you want is for the people you love to see that there is so much more to you than what you show them and for them to want to know things you keep to yourself.

We all have thoughts, dreams, fears, etc... some of us keep part of those tucked away for ourselves and for those that want to know you so badly that they will ask questions and dig deep down to draw those things out. Or maybe it's just me. There are things I think, want, hope for, fears I have, dreams I hold on to, internal noise and some times chaos, that I don't just share with everyone. I want to know all these things about my partners. I ask questions that make them think and try to draw out the parts of them they don't show to the outside world. I want to know what makes them tick. I want to know them like no one else ever has and possibly never will. I want to help them fight their demons and fears and explore the possibility or their dreams and hopes.

I want them to want to do the same for and with me. I'm very open and honest about everything, but I don't always just tell everything I think, know, or have experienced. Some things are reserved for me and the partner or partners that love me enough to want to explore the depths of the things I don't say. I want them to want to know these things.

I know learning/knowing a partner the way I want to takes time and commitment. It comes from long talks about everything and nothing. It's conversations that never truly end and learning to see, read, and listen for the things they don't speak. Maybe this all sounds crazy, but it is where my mind has gone to this evening.
 
Comments always welcome...

Well hell.... this is not nearly as easy or fun right now. Everyone is kind of in this weird space of their own and it's just not making anything easy.

I don't know where Tabs is on things right now. I know where I am and I still want the same thing I have been wanting, her in my life. I'm trying to give her some space to sort things out for herself, but still be there and be supportive. She has a lot going on right now. I don't know where she is with V, though I have a good idea. I know V cares a lot about her but he doesn't say exactly what he feels other than that.

It's like a switch flipped and suddenly it all went from easy going to hard as fuck. This has only been whatever it is, I still don't know what it is exactly, for 2 months. How and why did it get this hard this fast and where did the happy happy joy joy NRE go? Damn you reality!
 
Two months is an awfully short amount of time for NRE to last.
 
Yes, but I think external stressors are part of why it doesn't seem to be lasting as long as it usually would. Plus I think Tabs and V trying to figure out their relationship with each other and it's affecting us all as well. I realized today how much I feed off of their moods. It kind of struck me as, I don't know, perplexing, maybe?
 
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