So lost and confused
- Thread starter LadyStacy
- Start date
Natja
New member
I'm sorry you are hurting, LadyStacy. I don't think you are wrong, but I would really hope that you not just push forward to make them feel better. Since they have not yet met in person, I would hold off on the face-to-face for a while. This might be hard for your husband to accept, but I am quite concerned by his callousness towards your unhappiness. That should be addressed first before they move onto a real life meet.
Natja
Natja
CherryBlossomGirl
Inactive
Immovable Feelings
I'm glad you're posting. It's important to find support to help yourself during tough times.
I know all about immovable feelings. They lodge in the body like an illness, symptoms ebbing and flowing. For me, the best ways to manage them are through physical activity-- jogging, yoga, lifting weights and meditation. I also journal a lot, and turn to this forum for support when I am floundering. I have a few close friends who are there to support me, despite the fact that they are mono and think I'm whack for putting myself through some of the feelings that I've sorted out.
It sounds like a big cause of your feelings is your husband's inability to slow down, that if you had a bit more say in the pacing of things, it would help immeasurably as you work through things. It's noble of you to try and head forward despite being uncomfortable, but I wonder if there is a way you could be comfortable while they still get to move their relationship forward.
I will say this: you have a right to your experience. Your feelings are natural, normal and valid. You cannot change your feelings. You can change your thoughts. You can change your actions. Change your thoughts and your actions, and your feelings will fall in line eventually, but it's no swift alteration, in my experience.
Keep posting! Keep talking it out. Keep asking for what you need.
I'm glad you're posting. It's important to find support to help yourself during tough times.
I know all about immovable feelings. They lodge in the body like an illness, symptoms ebbing and flowing. For me, the best ways to manage them are through physical activity-- jogging, yoga, lifting weights and meditation. I also journal a lot, and turn to this forum for support when I am floundering. I have a few close friends who are there to support me, despite the fact that they are mono and think I'm whack for putting myself through some of the feelings that I've sorted out.
It sounds like a big cause of your feelings is your husband's inability to slow down, that if you had a bit more say in the pacing of things, it would help immeasurably as you work through things. It's noble of you to try and head forward despite being uncomfortable, but I wonder if there is a way you could be comfortable while they still get to move their relationship forward.
I will say this: you have a right to your experience. Your feelings are natural, normal and valid. You cannot change your feelings. You can change your thoughts. You can change your actions. Change your thoughts and your actions, and your feelings will fall in line eventually, but it's no swift alteration, in my experience.
Keep posting! Keep talking it out. Keep asking for what you need.
Do you even want to polyship? It is ok to tell him no if you do not. You cannot stop him, but you could be honest about how you feel, so at least you are in right relationship with yourself, and not keeping secrets from your husband. He might not like what he hears, but he deserves the truth. Do not lie to him. Do not lie to yourself. If you are not willing to participate in a polyship, say so.
This business of going along with whatever other people want because you don't want to deal in conflict resolution is not healthy. Putting it off and putting it off -- it just gets bigger and bigger.
Learn to do healthy conflict resolution in the "nip it in the bud" stage. He is not the enemy. He is your spouse. This is an opportunity to grow and reach new a understanding of each other, if you want it to be.
If you are willing to participate in a polyship, but not like this, at too fast a speed, speak up. Say so. He deserves the truth. So, for a healthy polyship, communicate truthfully. Start that way when building your foundations.
You have to finish the stages of grief, even if you willingly choose to open, because once open, you are not closed. Even if both gladly want to open, you are no longer closed. Maybe this post helps.
You haven't even met the woman, much less talked in trio about what each player has for their personal wants, needs, and limits, and what they hope to get out of the polyship. See if what she is after is even compatible. Dating time is for that, to find those who are compatible. You 3 have to come to agreements for how you want to be in polyship so you can hold each other accountable to whatever standard you all create for yourselves. Call it the "our code of conduct," if you like that better. Call it fluffypants. Whatever you want to call it, MAKE YOUR AGREEMENTS for how you each want to be treated, and how you want to treat each other, so you can all be treated well in your poly network.
Without talking about how you want to open and how fast, you will feel like you are along for the ride on a runaway train or something. You have not even agreed on what open model relationship you want to practice.
It's hard to feel balanced when nothing is solid. You could talk things out first, before giving the green light.
I would suggest you take it back, and tell husband, "I made a mistake. I apologize for that. I gave a wide open green light when I was not prepared. I was confused because I felt pressured. I should have said I needed more time to decide if this was even something I wanted to participate in, or if I had the skills to do it well. I need more information before agreeing to sign up for this new mission. I want to know what I'm getting into."
Then both of you take a time out to regroup, asap, so you can do this well, if you are going to do it at all.
http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/images/A._Wagner_-_Avoid_the_Pitfalls_of_Polyamory.pdf
Then these:
http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/downloadabledocuments.html
http://www.serolynne.com/polyamory.htm
http://openingup.net/resources/free-downloads-from-opening-up/
http://www.morethantwo.com/
Right now you're starting off on the wrong foot. That's not good for anyone. If you cannot even speak up for your own wants, needs and limits to be known, so you tend to 1 person in the care and keeping care of you, and preserving your own best health, if you cannot work with him, and be 2 people tending to the marriage so it is healthy, and the health of both people are doing ok, what makes you all think that you can change it to 3 people in a polyship and do it well as a team? 3 people will be tending to the health of the polyship. The health of 3 people are concerned.
Regardless of what model you choose to practice, more people = more wants, needs, and limits to balance.
I mean this kindly. You are not horrible people, of course, but you are taking on more than you are prepared to deal with at this time. Prepare first. Then if you want to go there, go in there better prepared. That's all.
Talk to your husband. Speak your truth, if even at a whisper. Sort yourselves out. You can do it.
If the choices you face right now are "give up, give in, or give it your all," give it your all. It's your life. It's not a dress rehearsal. You only get the one. Pick how you want to be living it.
Galagirl
This business of going along with whatever other people want because you don't want to deal in conflict resolution is not healthy. Putting it off and putting it off -- it just gets bigger and bigger.
Learn to do healthy conflict resolution in the "nip it in the bud" stage. He is not the enemy. He is your spouse. This is an opportunity to grow and reach new a understanding of each other, if you want it to be.
If you are willing to participate in a polyship, but not like this, at too fast a speed, speak up. Say so. He deserves the truth. So, for a healthy polyship, communicate truthfully. Start that way when building your foundations.
You have to finish the stages of grief, even if you willingly choose to open, because once open, you are not closed. Even if both gladly want to open, you are no longer closed. Maybe this post helps.
You haven't even met the woman, much less talked in trio about what each player has for their personal wants, needs, and limits, and what they hope to get out of the polyship. See if what she is after is even compatible. Dating time is for that, to find those who are compatible. You 3 have to come to agreements for how you want to be in polyship so you can hold each other accountable to whatever standard you all create for yourselves. Call it the "our code of conduct," if you like that better. Call it fluffypants. Whatever you want to call it, MAKE YOUR AGREEMENTS for how you each want to be treated, and how you want to treat each other, so you can all be treated well in your poly network.
Without talking about how you want to open and how fast, you will feel like you are along for the ride on a runaway train or something. You have not even agreed on what open model relationship you want to practice.
It's hard to feel balanced when nothing is solid. You could talk things out first, before giving the green light.
I would suggest you take it back, and tell husband, "I made a mistake. I apologize for that. I gave a wide open green light when I was not prepared. I was confused because I felt pressured. I should have said I needed more time to decide if this was even something I wanted to participate in, or if I had the skills to do it well. I need more information before agreeing to sign up for this new mission. I want to know what I'm getting into."
Then both of you take a time out to regroup, asap, so you can do this well, if you are going to do it at all.
http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/images/A._Wagner_-_Avoid_the_Pitfalls_of_Polyamory.pdf
Then these:
http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/downloadabledocuments.html
http://www.serolynne.com/polyamory.htm
http://openingup.net/resources/free-downloads-from-opening-up/
http://www.morethantwo.com/
Right now you're starting off on the wrong foot. That's not good for anyone. If you cannot even speak up for your own wants, needs and limits to be known, so you tend to 1 person in the care and keeping care of you, and preserving your own best health, if you cannot work with him, and be 2 people tending to the marriage so it is healthy, and the health of both people are doing ok, what makes you all think that you can change it to 3 people in a polyship and do it well as a team? 3 people will be tending to the health of the polyship. The health of 3 people are concerned.
Regardless of what model you choose to practice, more people = more wants, needs, and limits to balance.
I mean this kindly. You are not horrible people, of course, but you are taking on more than you are prepared to deal with at this time. Prepare first. Then if you want to go there, go in there better prepared. That's all.
Talk to your husband. Speak your truth, if even at a whisper. Sort yourselves out. You can do it.
If the choices you face right now are "give up, give in, or give it your all," give it your all. It's your life. It's not a dress rehearsal. You only get the one. Pick how you want to be living it.
Galagirl
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