So much love to give, it doesn't fit into one spot

Masquerade78

Masquerade78

New member
Intro: I'm 33, F, married for almost 8 years, with two beautiful daughters.

How it evolved: I will just jump straight in and explain that after several years of enjoying online fun and flirting, my husband Percy realised his cuckold fantasies. He loved the thought of me being pleasured by someone else. About a year after discussing this, I ended up having a one-night stand with a work colleague after a party, with Percy there, and it was amazing. It brought us much closer together. We knew this extracurricular activity was something we wanted to explore.

Percy is totally mono, and whilst many could fantasise about being with someone else, this isn't something that he currently is interested in. It was the idea of me effectively swinging, or having a FWB situation, and him being present, that we have been looking for since.

I got chatting with a male friend of a friend, and we have had two amazing nights, but whilst he has a great personality, I'm not physically attracted to him and just don't wish to continue with it on that basis, because I need to feel chemistry.

I am flirtatious in nature and enjoy the banter and attention from other people, but it cuts deeper than that.

Since March of this year, an amazing, younger male friend from work has been to our house for two awesome evenings. We have shared fun times, kisses, and slow meaningful sex. The chemistry between us is electric.

I have absolutely no wish to hurt my husband. I love him no less. I don't wish to replace him. I feel I probably want to have my cake and eat it.

My husband is feeling understandably out of the picture, because the fast passionate fucking that he gets a kick out of isn't happening. We are effectively making love. I haven't said to my friend that I love him, and neither has he, but I could easily see this happening. My husband can visibly see that we are falling for each other. He asked if we pulled the plug, would I continue and have an affair? I have no wish to be deceitful or cause hurt, and would not continue behind his back, as this can only work with his consent, trust and awareness.

I'm a very attentive, loving person. I feel complete with what is going on with my friend. But I can't be selfish and want all this at the risk of hurting my husband.

I have explained to my friend that I am in no way stopping him from finding someone else, and whilst it will be hard when he does, I am happy to be a gap-filler until he finds someone who can commit to him.

In my mind, it's feasible to love them both, but I'm holding back.

Thoughts, comments, warnings all welcome! Thank you for reading.
 
Hi Masquerade78,

I get surprised by people's naivite that it's okay for their partners to sleep with others, but by no means to get emotionally involved at all. I understand that this might happen at times, but it's also equally possible that emotions do get involved. Perhaps it's even inevitable, eventually, considering that the act of sex is one fraught with the possibility of connection.

It would therefore seem unfair to me for him to suddenly want to pull the plug on things when it's been okay for him, up to this point. Suddenly now it's not okay for him, but he has been the one prepared for you to play with fire, so to speak. I imagine it would be heart-breaking for you, to a degree, to call things off when you are getting emotionally involved now. And that's not even considering the new guy's emotions, too.

I can understand that, as you get emotionally involved with someone else, it is difficult for your husband, and more than he bargained for, but he has been keen for this process to start and needs to consider both you and the new guy, now that things are rolling.

There may be scope to slow down, to allow your husband time to work through stuff. But in my opinion, it would be unfair for him to demand that you stop, simply because emotions are now involved. What did he expect?
 
I think the key thing is that Percy and I wanted different things from this, from the outset. We are communicating openly and honestly and I am totally recognising his feelings. He loves me so much and wants me to be happy, so he is not asking me to stop. I just need to be fully aware of how I would feel in his position. I am trying to make sense of my feelings, and work out what it is I really want, causing no hurt and being honest all the way.
 
You needed/wanted connection with a different man than your husband. He wanted to watch you have nasty sex with someone else. It sounds like you both knew this ahead of time. The thing is that nasty sex that is watched by others gets old pretty quick for the ones having the sex. At least for me it did, and from what I have heard, for others too.

Usually the people having the sex either have no connection, and move on, or have a connection, and want passion and alone time. The trouble is that for the one watching, they are shit out of luck with the second scenario. The first one means moving on to another nasty fuckbuddy, so all is good for them. The second usually means an end to all of it. Love happens, NRE happens, a desire to settle in and a lack of desire for new nasty fuck buddies. In fact it can become almost disgusting to think that that was even desirable at one point! Yup, such is love/NRE.

It might take some time to adjust. I don't suggest telling your partner that you are good if he wants to go find someone else to fuck. I don't suggest promoting that, at all.

I would suggest holding him tight, telling him you love him, telling him things are changing and that you fully intend to explore this with him. That is, if you are up for that. Make sure you keep your NRE at bay when you are with him. Arrange some fantastic fun things to do with him. Show him you are committed, but intend to have your own life, and that might include this other guy.

Have a read around here for more, or ask more questions. You have started a journey, it seems, and it could be great, but by the looks of things could take you in a different direction than you've been on.
 
"The thing is that nasty sex that is watched by others gets old pretty quick for the ones having the sex. At least, for me it did, and from what I have heard, for others too."

That's exactly where I am at. My husband has no qualms about letting me have nasty sex with multiple guys, passing me around among all of his friends. And sure, at first there was an element of excitement. But I'm over it too. It's kind of played out. I'm tired of putting on a show for his gratification. I want some connection. I want it to be about ME and what I want sometimes, and that involves a connection. However, at the first hint at any emotional connection -- a pen pal of mine that I have a lot in common with, even -- he gets insanely jealous and acts all possessive and like THAT is crossing the line.

We, like it sounds like the two of you, wanted different things. I am going to communicate openly and honestly with my husband, as you have with yours, and be just as considerate of his feelings, and hope it works out as well for me, as I'm sure it will for you. Thanks for posting. I'm so encouraged by your story and wish you all the best!
 
PixieChick said:
That's exactly where I am at. My husband has no qualms about letting me have nasty sex with multiple guys, passing me around among all of his friends. And sure, at first there was an element of excitement. But I'm over it too, because it's kind of played out -- I'm tired of putting on a show for his gratification, I want some connection, I want it to be about ME and what I want sometimes, and that involves a connection. However, at the first hint at any emotional connection -- a penpal of mine that I have a lot in common with, even -- he gets insanely jealous and acts all possessive and like THAT is crossing the line.
Click to expand...

I'm not saying you being passed around is right or wrong. I will comment that some people fear the intimate emotional connection, and some fear the sexual connection, while others fear both. He may be terrified of you emotionally crossing the line and never coming back to him.

While this forum doesn't represent the mentality at all, fucking is much easier for the average person than love. I sometimes think people forget this "love bubble" is actually pretty small.
 
Ariakas said:
I sometimes think people forget this "love bubble" is actually pretty small.
Click to expand...
I think it has gotten smaller actually, because so many people think porn is the same thing. Sorry, another story, but I have been reading about what porn has done to people's sense of closeness, and the love and sex within it. Passing women around as if they are objects to masturbate into is part of that, and becoming more of what both sexes think is love. Some people's description of their polyamory is not helping this, I don't think. It's causing people to get fucked up about love and sex. Hijack, I know. I just find it so interesting.
 
God, this is all so encouraging. Daily, I'm re-finding myself, questioning myself, being so self-aware and yet so aware of the feelings involved in this. PixieChick, I hope that it works out for you too. Let's keep talking, if you're happy to.

At the end of the day, the beginning of the day, and throughout, we are only human. What is conventional and accepted by "the norm" isn't necessarily what HAS to suit us.

Life is far too short to be held back by traditional acceptance. Acceptance, I think, is a key word. Feel the fear and do it anyway. Yes, it is all scary, but talk talk talk to all parties involved. That's what is helping me right now.

I'm reassuring my husband that I'm not going to leave him. I'm taking it for what it is with my friend. This is the here and now. It may not be forever, but it feels so right just now.

Listen to the lyrics of Newton Faulkner, "If this is it."

Hope we can talk more.

Thank you to others posting on this thread. It's all good good good to read.
 
If I were in love, I would rather see my partner loved by someone else and treated with respect and tenderness, and acknowledged as the beautiful human being I know they are, rather than being used as a disposable, convenient fuck toy. Maybe you could express that to your husband, then he might be able to see things from a different perspective.
 
Last edited:
"If I were in love, I would rather see my partner loved by someone else and treated with respect and tenderness, and acknowledged as the beautiful human being I know they are, rather than being used as a disposable, convenient fuck toy."

Thank you, NYCindie. I think he does acknowledge this, but we're in the realm of me ensuring that he knows that this isn't at the expense of him losing me, but is in addition to the love we share.

I'm also fiercely aware that I don't want to hurt him. I'm feeling guilty for having emotions for another man, but it seems to be better to be honest and accept that these feelings exist, rather than try to bury them.
 
Masquerade78 said:
I'm also fiercely aware that I don't want to hurt him. I'm feeling guilty for emotions toward another man, but it seems to be better to be honest and accept that these feelings exist, rather than try to bury them.
Click to expand...

What immediately came to my mind in reading the above sentence of yours is this: loving someone is nothing to be ashamed of. It is the highest, purest expression of being human. So, hold your head high. You are human and have feelings, it's that simple.

It's the contracts we make that can be unreasonable and create problems. Fear of losing someone indicates attachment and possessiveness. He needs to feel secure in your love for him, so he can do away with wanting to hold onto it (you) and know you will be with him of your own accord. With compassion and honesty, it will all work it out.
 
Last edited:
It can take some time, but it sounds like you are on the right path. Honest and open communication is a good start, as well as a dose of empathy for him.

Have you looked at the "lessons" and "foundations" threads? They might help give both of you some ideas on how to build a good start to this journey.
 
I will check them out. I think alarm bells are ringing now though, as I don't want it to be turned around and used against me.
 
What I'm currently concerned about is that I'm using my relationship with my friend as escapism, as a band-aid to make the strains of daily life bearable. My husband knows that I love him, not as father or husband, but as a person. I'm on anti-depressants because life is hard. I'm worried that if my friend takes me away from all this, I'm not addressing the deeper issues. Maybe poly isn't for me, and I need to address the deeper issues.
 
It might not be for you. It doesn't matter, really. It's all about discovering and growing. The labels aren't important, anyway. It's about what is going on inside of you. Checking in and staying true to yourself is all that matters. You are your own primary.
 
Last edited by a moderator:
Masquerade78 said:
I'm also fiercely aware that I don't want to hurt him. I'm feeling guilty for emotions for another man, but it seems to be better to be honest and accept that these feelings exist, rather than try to bury them.
Click to expand...

+1000

I kept my feelings secret from my wife for more than a decade, and it made me miserable, eaten alive with guilt (despite never getting physical with anyone), shame, self-hatred, and a feeling that I didn't deserve her. It came to permeate every waking moment, and was always in my mind, spoiling (for me) the otherwise wonderful time we spent together.

Bottling this up will drive you apart, not keep you close together.
 
Are you still with your wife, if you don't mind me asking? What if I'm looking for someone else, to tolerate the things in my marriage I'm not happy with? Being happy with the addition of someone else too, as escapism? I want to love them both, but I think it may be for the wrong reasons.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top