Social Anxiety Taking Over

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lafayettejeffersona

New member
I have terrible social anxiety, but not bad enough that I need serious help for it, or anything. I'm not Evan Hansen, or anyone like that. Anyway, I've had a boyfriend for a bit over a year who I love and adore, but I, being a polyamorous princess (his words, not mine), kind of like one of our good friends.

Having social anxiety, I am terrible at approaching the subject with him, so I don't know how to ask my boyfriend if he could be in our relationship, and if he says it's okay how to ask him in. Help?
 
Hi lafayettejeffersona,

I think the key here is keeping things single. "I like so-and-so, and I was wondering would it be okay for him to be in our relationship." "Boyfriend and I have a nonmonogamous agreement, would you be interested in joining us?" Just make it clear whether you want this friend and your boyfriend to be romantically involved with each other. Or if you just want a V where you are the hinge.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
kdt26417 said:
Hi lafayettejeffersona,

I think the key here is keeping things single. "I like so-and-so, and I was wondering would it be okay for him to be in our relationship." "Boyfriend and I have a nonmonogamous agreement, would you be interested in joining us?" Just make it clear whether you want this friend and your boyfriend to be romantically involved with each other. Or if you just want a V where you are the hinge.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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Yeah, I can do that, if I got over my social anxiety, which we all know isn't happening anytime soon. Unless I could somehow ask my boyfriend in an un-anxiety inducing way.
 
Maybe write him a long, heartfelt letter? For me, writing things down is a lot less anxiety-provoking than trying to talk to someone in person about something.

PS. As someone with anxiety who is actually getting treatment now, I'll say that treatment is really great and the things that I didn't used to think were "really bad" were actually... pretty life-affecting in a major way. Shameless plug for mental health care.
 
AutumnLeaves said:
Maybe write him a long, heartfelt letter? For me, writing things down is a lot less anxiety-provoking than trying to talk to someone in person about something.

PS. As someone with anxiety who is actually getting treatment now, I'll say that treatment is really great and the things that I didn't used to think were "really bad" were actually... pretty life-affecting in a major way. Shameless plug for mental health care.
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This would be really helpful, thank you! I'm an author, so writing calms me down naturally. Also, thank you for the advice on treatment. I'll look into that soon.
 
Just to clarify, would this guy be in "our" relationship as in being in a relationship with you *and* your boyfriend? Or would he be in a relationship with only you? There's a big difference there, and if the friend is only dating you, he isn't in "our" relationship, he's in *your* relationship with him. Your relationship with your boyfriend is separate.

Semantics aside, as someone who also has social anxiety and never knows what words to use when I like someone, in your situation I would say to your boyfriend, "I really like X, and it's fun hanging out with him. I was wondering what you'd think if he and I went out together sometimes." If your boyfriend's cool with it, say to the other guy, "I'd like to spend more time with you, because I think you're a really awesome person and I like being around you. Y is cool with it."
 
KC43 said:
Just to clarify, would this guy be in "our" relationship as in being in a relationship with you *and* your boyfriend? Or would he be in a relationship with only you? There's a big difference there, and if the friend is only dating you, he isn't in "our" relationship, he's in *your* relationship with him. Your relationship with your boyfriend is separate.

Semantics aside, as someone who also has social anxiety and never knows what words to use when I like someone, in your situation I would say to your boyfriend, "I really like X, and it's fun hanging out with him. I was wondering what you'd think if he and I went out together sometimes." If your boyfriend's cool with it, say to the other guy, "I'd like to spend more time with you, because I think you're a really awesome person and I like being around you. Y is cool with it."
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I talked to my boyfriend about it and I was asking about a second dyad, but he recommended a triad, so now I just have to ask him.
 
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