Background story: I was 28 when I married my husband, having done the whole "no sex before marriage" thing, only to discover we had way different sex drives. In retrospect, my guess is that he was close to asexual. Whereas I have rarely had all the sex I wanted- and the one time I did, I had too much to count.
(Note, names changed).
For two years after we divorced, I didn't date. Then, about 6 months into online dating, I ran across my now boyfriend's profile, which was really, really appealing, except I wasn't sure about the whole poly thing. I'd ended up in a poly dating situation before, and was fine with it, so I thought I'd ask about it. I talked to Steve about it, read the Ethical slut, and was hooked. His girlfriend's profile was awesome too, we started a correspondence, and 3 weeks later, we all met and got along splendidly. We started dating; about 3 weeks after that, had a threesome, which was also my first time being with a woman, and second and third sexual partners.
Insecurity hit my girlfriend, Elizabeth. She was not comfortable with me sleeping with Steve alone (red flag, I know.) she was, however comfortable with Steve sleeping with other women, including the (later to be) girlfriend he met online just before me, and started a sexual elationship with soon before we met. . We decided to give it time, continuing the threesomes. Eventually, when she was planning on going and meeting her other boyfriend, who she met online about the same time as me, and having sex with him, it got too much for me and I told her I could not take it if she was able to go off and sleep with him, and I couldn't sleep individually with anyone in the triad. She agreed our boyfriend and I could start a relationship when she was away, with the plan that this would probably loosen up whatever was holding her back from sleeping with me. My boyfriend and I sleeping together was marvelous. Best sex by far I'd ever experienced, and for once in my life, I was wanted. That relationship grew, but the sleeping together with Elizabeth didn't materialize.
Meantime, a sick immediate family member of Elizabeth's passed away. She was grieving, and had no energy to work through what was holding her back. She continued to express attraction to me, and desire to start an individual relationship in the future, but that there was complicated stuff going on. (Because it was relevant to me at least, she was lesbian for years, and jut before meeting Steve, started dating guys and never looked back.)
We settled into a romantic triangle, but closer to a sexual v than anything else. She was still grieving, and so the majority of any sex I had was with my boyfriend, with some threesomes. I was hurt that she wasn't sleeping with me, and certainly felt the lack of connection from that. In addition, I only have so much free time, because I had kids, and having one romantic relationship that wasn't sexual along with discovering I had quite a drive meant that I needed sex so badly from my boyfriend, things were starting to get unbalanced where we only slept together when we got together, and needed more time to work on actually having a relationship, too. And when he was in a rough patch, it could be 2 or 3 weeks without sex, and this felt bad to me.
Around that time, Suncloud showed up. Suncloud is the most sex positive and horny person I've ever met. We also have really good compatibility. What started off as an attempt to meet my sex needs by having another source of sex ended up as a delightful relationship. We focus on sex, as we both need that (his wife is away for three days a week, and has given him permission to explore during that, but he focuses on her when she's home), but are compatible intellectually and emotionally, too. And both men are excellent lovers in different ways. Because of distance, we meet every two weeks for an overnight, and schedule an onliine sex session for the weeks we don't, and this continuity is awesome for me.
Elizabeth and I have started an individual sexual relationship, but it's been slow. Mainly, she needs more energy than she has and it's still a stretch for her sleeping with me- though she wants to, stress gets in the way really easily. 2-3 months since we slept together, and only once, but the tone has changed where we talk about it and discus it, and it"/'openly in the table, and that is important to me too. We are going to be starting counseling to clarify this and work on it at my request.
We have proclaimed to be a primary triad, and I find that partly being the late comer, and partly with me not living with the two of them (who started living together in a relative's house shortly before we met), this is more and less successful or me. Where it is really successful is the support. I feel so incredibly supported, both emotionally and practically- I have help for projects around the house that need more knowledge and expertise, and I love and need that. Emotionally, I feel wonderfully loved and supported by everyone, and we grow together well. We did things way badly at first (the whole letting someone's feelings dictate who slept with who thing, for starters), but grow and change and own our shit and learn to communicate better and better.
Where it falls short for me is two areas. The first is holidays and other crises. One of Elizabeth's immediate family members refuses to acknowledge or talk about what is going on, and because they live with her, this has ben hard at best. And because of the grieving, this cannot be forced. So I'm semi-closeted, and plans got made without me for holidays because they needed to, though we did our best to rectify that by time at our boyfriend's family's house, who have ben wonderful. This is temporary, and I do sense this is coming to an end. And when crises happen, which has ben 3 times in the past year, I've felt under supported because of the distance (40 minutes). First reaction has always been, "I wish we could be with you" rather than coming over, though the offer eventually gets made, and once, accepted. In all those cases, there were other factors- pet care, storms, work days and exhaustion, first holidays after loss to take in account, but I really miss having someone who I am the top priority for in these kinds of situations, and if it was a mono relationship I think I would be getting that, even this early in the relationship. (We've npben dating close to a year.). That may change with time- it already has started to. And to some extent, I need independence because I'm still creating a single-parent household for my kids when I have them with home, saving dating for when they are with their dad.
And sex. It really has started to bother me that I cannot met my needs within a triad I consider primary. For me, the definition of primary is that we met eachother's basic needs of support and sex, and I wonder if I am being unrealistic in expecting and looking for that, ever, but especially from a triad.
. If it wasn't for Suncloud, I would be feeling like my needs weren't getting met. With him in the mix I am happy and fulfilled sexually.
Right now, in the triad, Steve is seriously depressed, and we need to spend alternate dates at the very least on emotional support. So we can be back to weeks at time with no sex.
Sex isn't everything, but I'm kind of shaken up right now because I'm realizing yes, I can meet my sexual needs, but it has to be outside the triad. The "meet each other's needs for sex and emotional support" thing is going for them, but it is not for me. (The advantage they have living together is they sleep together every day, and sex can be caught when energy is right ; it doesn't depend on energy being right in the 2 hours a week we have kid-free with a place to get naked. We are trying to have every other week individual overnights, but it's hit and miss.)
So the current situation:
In this week , I had had a missed phone date with Suncloud; Elizabeth and I got together, and were both horny, but she was too stressed from a bad day; and I had a date with Steve, which I assumed would be at my place, and him out. ( I had offered to share the driving and come down ; he thought he took me up in it; I thought we left it that he would let me know if he wanted to take me up on it.) " I was super-horny, probably a time of month thing, and after a first weekend away with Sunclound. I needed to reconnect with at least someone in the triad sexually. I asked Steve if we could somehow meet my needs for sex on our date, despite a lack of place, by suggesting things I thought were open to me but have never happened: phone sex, sexting, etc. Depression was bad, though, and we spent another date on support, and I'm suspecting that these forms of sex really aren't on the table. (To be fair, we do have an overnight tonight, but I spent the night unsuccessfully looking for a random sexting partner, and eventually had an unhappy orgasm by myself. I often am my best partner; yesterday, I was not into into being alone.)
Nothing has changed. Just got defined. But, I'm now feeling I'm in a solo poly relationship, and that feels odd. To my mind, the person responsible for meting my support needs and sexual needs is me. No one else is taking that on fully. They try, and are really there for me when they can, but they have other responsibilities that are stronger than those to me. (So do I- I have kids. They come first.) And yet.... Isn't that how it's supposed to be, even within a relationship? The person ultimately responsible for meeting your needs is you? Even in a mono relationship, isn't that best? Where is the line between being responsible for your own needs in a primary relationship, and being solo?
(Note, names changed).
For two years after we divorced, I didn't date. Then, about 6 months into online dating, I ran across my now boyfriend's profile, which was really, really appealing, except I wasn't sure about the whole poly thing. I'd ended up in a poly dating situation before, and was fine with it, so I thought I'd ask about it. I talked to Steve about it, read the Ethical slut, and was hooked. His girlfriend's profile was awesome too, we started a correspondence, and 3 weeks later, we all met and got along splendidly. We started dating; about 3 weeks after that, had a threesome, which was also my first time being with a woman, and second and third sexual partners.
Insecurity hit my girlfriend, Elizabeth. She was not comfortable with me sleeping with Steve alone (red flag, I know.) she was, however comfortable with Steve sleeping with other women, including the (later to be) girlfriend he met online just before me, and started a sexual elationship with soon before we met. . We decided to give it time, continuing the threesomes. Eventually, when she was planning on going and meeting her other boyfriend, who she met online about the same time as me, and having sex with him, it got too much for me and I told her I could not take it if she was able to go off and sleep with him, and I couldn't sleep individually with anyone in the triad. She agreed our boyfriend and I could start a relationship when she was away, with the plan that this would probably loosen up whatever was holding her back from sleeping with me. My boyfriend and I sleeping together was marvelous. Best sex by far I'd ever experienced, and for once in my life, I was wanted. That relationship grew, but the sleeping together with Elizabeth didn't materialize.
Meantime, a sick immediate family member of Elizabeth's passed away. She was grieving, and had no energy to work through what was holding her back. She continued to express attraction to me, and desire to start an individual relationship in the future, but that there was complicated stuff going on. (Because it was relevant to me at least, she was lesbian for years, and jut before meeting Steve, started dating guys and never looked back.)
We settled into a romantic triangle, but closer to a sexual v than anything else. She was still grieving, and so the majority of any sex I had was with my boyfriend, with some threesomes. I was hurt that she wasn't sleeping with me, and certainly felt the lack of connection from that. In addition, I only have so much free time, because I had kids, and having one romantic relationship that wasn't sexual along with discovering I had quite a drive meant that I needed sex so badly from my boyfriend, things were starting to get unbalanced where we only slept together when we got together, and needed more time to work on actually having a relationship, too. And when he was in a rough patch, it could be 2 or 3 weeks without sex, and this felt bad to me.
Around that time, Suncloud showed up. Suncloud is the most sex positive and horny person I've ever met. We also have really good compatibility. What started off as an attempt to meet my sex needs by having another source of sex ended up as a delightful relationship. We focus on sex, as we both need that (his wife is away for three days a week, and has given him permission to explore during that, but he focuses on her when she's home), but are compatible intellectually and emotionally, too. And both men are excellent lovers in different ways. Because of distance, we meet every two weeks for an overnight, and schedule an onliine sex session for the weeks we don't, and this continuity is awesome for me.
Elizabeth and I have started an individual sexual relationship, but it's been slow. Mainly, she needs more energy than she has and it's still a stretch for her sleeping with me- though she wants to, stress gets in the way really easily. 2-3 months since we slept together, and only once, but the tone has changed where we talk about it and discus it, and it"/'openly in the table, and that is important to me too. We are going to be starting counseling to clarify this and work on it at my request.
We have proclaimed to be a primary triad, and I find that partly being the late comer, and partly with me not living with the two of them (who started living together in a relative's house shortly before we met), this is more and less successful or me. Where it is really successful is the support. I feel so incredibly supported, both emotionally and practically- I have help for projects around the house that need more knowledge and expertise, and I love and need that. Emotionally, I feel wonderfully loved and supported by everyone, and we grow together well. We did things way badly at first (the whole letting someone's feelings dictate who slept with who thing, for starters), but grow and change and own our shit and learn to communicate better and better.
Where it falls short for me is two areas. The first is holidays and other crises. One of Elizabeth's immediate family members refuses to acknowledge or talk about what is going on, and because they live with her, this has ben hard at best. And because of the grieving, this cannot be forced. So I'm semi-closeted, and plans got made without me for holidays because they needed to, though we did our best to rectify that by time at our boyfriend's family's house, who have ben wonderful. This is temporary, and I do sense this is coming to an end. And when crises happen, which has ben 3 times in the past year, I've felt under supported because of the distance (40 minutes). First reaction has always been, "I wish we could be with you" rather than coming over, though the offer eventually gets made, and once, accepted. In all those cases, there were other factors- pet care, storms, work days and exhaustion, first holidays after loss to take in account, but I really miss having someone who I am the top priority for in these kinds of situations, and if it was a mono relationship I think I would be getting that, even this early in the relationship. (We've npben dating close to a year.). That may change with time- it already has started to. And to some extent, I need independence because I'm still creating a single-parent household for my kids when I have them with home, saving dating for when they are with their dad.
And sex. It really has started to bother me that I cannot met my needs within a triad I consider primary. For me, the definition of primary is that we met eachother's basic needs of support and sex, and I wonder if I am being unrealistic in expecting and looking for that, ever, but especially from a triad.
. If it wasn't for Suncloud, I would be feeling like my needs weren't getting met. With him in the mix I am happy and fulfilled sexually.
Right now, in the triad, Steve is seriously depressed, and we need to spend alternate dates at the very least on emotional support. So we can be back to weeks at time with no sex.
Sex isn't everything, but I'm kind of shaken up right now because I'm realizing yes, I can meet my sexual needs, but it has to be outside the triad. The "meet each other's needs for sex and emotional support" thing is going for them, but it is not for me. (The advantage they have living together is they sleep together every day, and sex can be caught when energy is right ; it doesn't depend on energy being right in the 2 hours a week we have kid-free with a place to get naked. We are trying to have every other week individual overnights, but it's hit and miss.)
So the current situation:
In this week , I had had a missed phone date with Suncloud; Elizabeth and I got together, and were both horny, but she was too stressed from a bad day; and I had a date with Steve, which I assumed would be at my place, and him out. ( I had offered to share the driving and come down ; he thought he took me up in it; I thought we left it that he would let me know if he wanted to take me up on it.) " I was super-horny, probably a time of month thing, and after a first weekend away with Sunclound. I needed to reconnect with at least someone in the triad sexually. I asked Steve if we could somehow meet my needs for sex on our date, despite a lack of place, by suggesting things I thought were open to me but have never happened: phone sex, sexting, etc. Depression was bad, though, and we spent another date on support, and I'm suspecting that these forms of sex really aren't on the table. (To be fair, we do have an overnight tonight, but I spent the night unsuccessfully looking for a random sexting partner, and eventually had an unhappy orgasm by myself. I often am my best partner; yesterday, I was not into into being alone.)
Nothing has changed. Just got defined. But, I'm now feeling I'm in a solo poly relationship, and that feels odd. To my mind, the person responsible for meting my support needs and sexual needs is me. No one else is taking that on fully. They try, and are really there for me when they can, but they have other responsibilities that are stronger than those to me. (So do I- I have kids. They come first.) And yet.... Isn't that how it's supposed to be, even within a relationship? The person ultimately responsible for meeting your needs is you? Even in a mono relationship, isn't that best? Where is the line between being responsible for your own needs in a primary relationship, and being solo?
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