Some advice and guidance

N

Newandshy

New member
I am new to the idea of polyamory. My significant other and I have fantasized about swinging quite frequently. He liked to fantasize about me coming home and "reclaiming" me. The talk and the fantasies were appealing to me. We visited a club, had a threesome (FMF) and then I got pregnant. I'll admit I put a hold on mostly everything then. I didn't want to risk the baby bringing strangers in and I didn't feel particularly sexy at the time. We were still very active together usually once a day if not more. I knew he was getting restless and gave him permission to "play" with a friend while I was out of town.

This leads us to this year, when I moved away for work and took our daughter with me, he was supposed to follow closely behind. He apparently was looking for someone "new" while I was still there. He met her, started dating and sleeping with her. I only discovered it because a mutual friend saw them out on a date and told me. When I confronted him he said he was lonely, he wanted to have sex with someone new, and he wouldn't give her up. Apparently he told her we were broken up and that he was only going to be around temporarily because he wanted to move back east to be near his daughter. We split up but continued to talk. I tried to compromise by saying we could be together and he could date other people, but he had to wait until my live in babysitter/roommate moved in a month later. Than we would have equal opportunity to explore and meet people. He agreed, but kept seeing her anyway behind my back. We broke up again when he admitted to everything.

We have been talking on and off. He has encouraged me to date (as usual) and has said that when he can get closer he would like us to try again. He has said he would like to "court" me. He still wants me to date and give him all the details about my interactions with different men. He continues to see the other woman and has told me she knows nothing about me. That he lied to her and told her we were broken up because he wanted to "get" with her. Now he wants us to be polyamorous. He wants me to have boyfriends and him to have girlfriends. He wants to invite them to our home and spend time and affection together. He actually said to me last night "I told you 2 years ago I'd love to see you with another man, 2 years and nothing. I finally had to just do it on my own, and now I'm the one in the wrong because I cheated. How long did you expect me to wait." For 9 months I was pregnant, I let him play and have orhers, it wasn't a free for all but I gave permission and even participated. Now I am very confused.

Some things sound appealing. Some things not so much. I don't think I would want this happening in our home. We have our daughter to think about and I don't want to confuse her. I feel that I would want to be "closeted" a bit, I wouldn't want to publicize it with the neighbours. I don't know if I can be "with" someone and watch them fall in love with someone else. Sexually I enjoy seeing my partners pleasure when they are "with" another person. But to know that they are in love with someone else? How do you have a rich relationship if you sometimes share your life with a second person?

I also sometimes think this is just an excuse for him to cheat and avoid paying child support (which he has fought me about since day one)

I'm sorry for the rambling post, I literally have no one else to talk to. Can you guys suggest a way for me to explore polyamory for myself? If I decide to try this with him I'd like to know it is something "I" am interested in and not something I am doing to keep him happy or to try and keep our family together. What might be my first steps?
 
I am sorry you struggle. You have broken up with him twice for very good reasons.

Polyamory is not the bandaid to his lack of integrity or him twisting words around to blame you for his cheating.

I also sometimes think this is just an excuse for him to cheat and avoid paying child support (which he has fought me about since day one)
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I think you call it right. :(

Rather than continue confused and messy with him? You could break up for good. Sort out the legalities.

Can you guys suggest a way for me to explore polyamory for myself? If I decide to try this with him I'd like to know it is something "I" am interested in and not something I am doing to keep him happy or to try and keep our family together. What might be my first steps?
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I think part of the success of poly lies in choosing partners wisely – people of strong character. You have a untrustworthy character on your hands. I wouldn't suggest you poly with him. He's had his second chance with you -- and he blew it. Could let it stay broken up. Could stop investing in him.

Instead, could invest in yourself and your kid and acclimate to living in this new town. Could learn about poly on your own by reading:

http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/downloadabledocuments.html
http://openingup.net/resources/free-downloads-from-opening-up/
http://www.kathylabriola.com/articles
https://www.morethantwo.com

When you are ready, explore poly dating on your own with more trustworthy people. Take it slow so you get a good sense of their character and can build trust.

Def don't include him in your poly network just to keep him happy or to try and keep the family together. You and your kid can be a complete family without him. YOUR happiness counts. Sit back and figure out what kind of relationship model appeals to YOU.

Galagirl
 
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I don't think you should give him a third chance. It sounds like he had serious honesty problems. Polyamory requires a lot of honesty, with yourself and with others. He would not make a good poly partner (or even mono partner, in my opinion).

All the rest of it is just noise. A politebut firm "no" is in order. If you'd like to try polyamory, do it without him.
 
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Thank you for your quick response Galagirl. It hurts to have invested so much of my heart to someone who doesn't seem to care about me in return. I am actually grateful to him for opening me up to so many possibilities. I never would have been brave enough to step outside of my comfort zone without him. It is so hard to say goodbye and give up after I have worked so hard for so long. But I suppose that's part of the problem. Should it be so hard for me? Shouldn't we be in this together navigating it so we both feel good and have pleasure?

Part of me is frightened about going out there alone. What if I never find anyone like me? I have only started to explore this idea of more sexual freedom and not being constrained by a certain set of definitions.

It feels good to read your words and feel supported though, so thank you.
 
Yes. I see that you hurt.

I suppose that's part of the problem. Should it be so hard for me? Shouldn't we be in this together navigating it so we both feel good and have pleasure?
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You sound like you are trying to make peace with having outgrown him. And you are coming to terms with him not being about BOTH your pleasure. Just his.

You are right that it doesn't have to be this hard.

It's ok to feel scared/worried about going out there alone. Changes are challenging. But I think when you are ready to deal with that one, you can. You could find poly groups or meet ups for instance.

But one thing at a time. At this present time? I think you could do your self care and finish with this break up. Stop the ping-ponging, take a break, heal, etc.

Galagirl
 
Newandshy said:
We have our daughter to think about and I don't want to confuse her. I feel that I would want to be "closeted" a bit, I wouldn't want to publicize it with the neighbours.
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This right here is a reason to stop, step back and really think! Your daughter is going to be as confused as you are. She will feel "dirty" if you feel dirty about it. She will think it is bad if you think it is bad.

We were a blended family with seven kids, two mom's and one dad. We worked really hard to have a good relationship with each other. M only had sexual interactions with S and me. S and me were more like sister wives. It was great for four years until it ended and then it got ugly.

The kids did great with it but I'll tell you who did not do so well. The neighbors called the police several times because "there are two women living there". We have children with special needs and one who require hospitalizations, they got social workers involved who damaged our child emotionally due to the questions that they asked.

We were unashamed of our lifestyle and fought back, and fought back hard and those people had no choice but to back off. It was obvious to anyone (multiple counselors) that the children were well loved, cared for and had no issues with the life that we had.

Where are the kids now, all are doing great. Out of the seven only two went with S and the rest stayed with M and me. All are either in school or working.

In a round about way what I'm trying to say is that your daughter is going to think about your lifestyle how you do. I get that not everyone is going to shout out to everyone "Hey I have a poly lifestyle" and there are many reasons why. But in your heart you have to be ok with the poly lifestyle and to me, it doesn't sound like you are.
 
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From what I have been reading it can be a beautiful lifestyle. Who wouldn't benefit from having a number of caring and loving people in their lives? I think you are right though and it may not be for me. I am trying to keep my mind open to possibilities. But I am probably doing it for him and not for myself.

I feel so lost. He is with the other woman and has told her he will only date her. They are apparently keeping the terms "boyfriend" and "girlfriend" out of their vocabulary since it is only supposed to be temporary. He is trying to show me I can trust him by telling me "everything" now. But, she still thinks I broke up with him months ago. He is not telling her he is talking to me. All he says is "well you haven't come up in conversation".

This forum is probably not the appropriate place for me to be seeking answers. I think I have them, I just don't like them. I am sorry if I have offended anyone, you are probably right that his dishonesty would not make him a good poly partner (or probably a good partner at all). I guess I have to grieve my loss and figure out how to live my life without him. I have tried everything to make him happy. Time to accept my failure.
 
He is trying to show me I can trust him by telling me "everything" now.
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All he shows is that he is totally ok lying to people. He could be lying to you. Placing trust in him would be unwise, IMHO.

I guess I have to grieve my loss and figure out how to live my life without him. I have tried everything to make him happy. Time to accept my failure.
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It is not YOUR failure that he lies to people. That is HIS behavior that HE chooses to do.

Breaking up stinks, and you will experience feelings of loss. It's ok to do that. But I urge you to consider your own happiness. You don't sound happy with him, for all that you would like to be.

Galagirl
 
Hello Newandshy,

You do have the rightful freedom to choose to continue your relationship with your significant other as best you can. What you have to do is decide what you really want. Do you want to stay with him, or do you want to break up with him? Think it through carefully, and know why you want to do what you want to do.

There are certainly ways to pursue poly, OKCupid is one of the main ones. Also you can look for local poly groups in your area, try googling "polyamory" with the name of your state or nearest major city. But before you do that, there's a book I think you should read, "More than Two: a practical guide to ethical polyamory," by Franklin Veaux and Eve Rickert.

I hope things get easier for you in the near future.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
As someone who has managed to disentangle myself from a toxic relationship (after thinking it would be impossible), let me just say...

It gets better. So much better. You don't even know how much energy you are spending on this guy. You will feel so free to get out of this, and you will find many lovely, kind, fun people to explore life with.

After all, when you leave a relationship, it's good to be single for a while. And you've discovered alternate approaches to relationships and sexuality. Go find some fun sexually free people to build friendships with, find community, find some NSA fun. Focus on building friendships. Once you've had time for yourself (and time for your kid), open up to romance, but be very picky. You know what liars *feel* like now, so find someone different. They'll have flaws, but they'll be honest, kind, and will treat you well.

They're out there, but you have to break free to find them.
 
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