My wife and I have been together for 7 years. She was poly when I met her and she introduced me to the idea. I have had two encounters that didn't go anywhere and since have been pretty much monogamous with her for the last 5 years. She has had a few relationships and currently has a boy freind. I have no intention ot asking her to cut it off as this is a part of who she is and something I actually love about her. The problem, and the question, is that lately I have been getting jealous/envious of her relationship. Let me say that I know the guy and like him. We have hung out on a few ocations. But she does stuff with/for him sexually " because he likes it" that she used to do for me but now it's like she avoids doing it with me. Also, she went over to his house and they fooled around and then she came home for me to finish her off. I didn't like it. As I told her it felt kind of like being a relief pitcher, I was just there to finish the game but it wasn't me that won it. It feels like I'm becoming a secondary concern. Am I off base or do I have a genuine complaint here?
Some questions
- Thread starter Notsure
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Bluebird
Well-known member
I have a husband and a boyfriend. In the beginning, my boyfriend requested no sexual encounters with him following me being intimate with my hubby - he asked for at least an hour separation. My husband didn't care, but my boyfriend did. Clearly, the energy is off for you - so I say, tell her how you felt and request a similar downtime between encounters. I personally see it both ways - sometimes I am super ramped up and excited after being with one guy and can carry that over to the next, but other times the energy is weird and I really feel icky if I think about the time being so close.
So yeah, the timing thing should be solvable, if you make your qualms known.
If you are feeling secondary, try to figure out why. She really could be all wrapped up in NRE right now. She might not recognize that she is neglecting you. If you don't tell her, she won't know. Figure out what you need and ask for it.
So yeah, the timing thing should be solvable, if you make your qualms known.
If you are feeling secondary, try to figure out why. She really could be all wrapped up in NRE right now. She might not recognize that she is neglecting you. If you don't tell her, she won't know. Figure out what you need and ask for it.
Is this a new relationship? Doing things for him that she used to do for you, these would be things she doesn't really like, but NRE (new relationship energy) sex hormone rush entices her to do them? It does suck, but she'll probably stop doing them for him too, once the initial newness of the relationship is over. Or maybe as she grows in her true sexuality, she will like this Activity X and want to keep doing it with both of you. Doesn't hurt to ask. Quite often women, as they get older, get wilder. Partly it's a growth of the self confidence that comes with maturity. Also, women over 40 also have less estrogen and proportionally more testosterone, and can get much hornier.
As for coming home excited from another lover, and taking it out on you, sometimes this can hurt, sometimes it can be part of the fun.
I find I enjoy when my gf gets excited by her bf and comes home and is extra sexual with me. But when my ex bf had that response, I didn't like it. Go figure.
As for coming home excited from another lover, and taking it out on you, sometimes this can hurt, sometimes it can be part of the fun.
I find I enjoy when my gf gets excited by her bf and comes home and is extra sexual with me. But when my ex bf had that response, I didn't like it. Go figure.
I'm not sure if be interested I'm being used as a sexual aid like that. I guess realistically it's no different than watchin porn and getting turned on and wanting to have sex with your partner. In practice though it doesn't work for me. I don't want to know she was all hot and bothered with somebody else and then letting me get the leftovers.
Hi Notsure,
I suspect your wife is neck-deep in NRE and that's why she's somewhat neglecting you in favor of this new boyfriend. People swimming in NRE don't always think with a clear head, so you have to get specific with them about what you want them to do. Doesn't mean she has to say "Yes" to whatever you ask, but at least it makes her aware that you need some kind of added attention.
If it rubs you the wrong way to be a "relief pitcher," just tell her you're not comfortable doing that, and say you'd rather she finish while she's with her boyfriend. She may have mistakenly thought it was something you'd like.
Everybody's different and everybody has unique wants and needs. Your feelings and reactions to how things are going are perfectly valid. Doesn't mean everyone would feel the same way, but I'm sure quite a few people would.
Just try to not approach her in an accusing way, saying she's being insensitive or whatever. Just tell her that there's certain things you need/miss that you wish she'd do more, and that you're uncomfortable with finishing an encounter that started with the boyfriend.
And be open to the possibility that there might be things she wants to ask for too. It's all about communication.
I suspect your wife is neck-deep in NRE and that's why she's somewhat neglecting you in favor of this new boyfriend. People swimming in NRE don't always think with a clear head, so you have to get specific with them about what you want them to do. Doesn't mean she has to say "Yes" to whatever you ask, but at least it makes her aware that you need some kind of added attention.
If it rubs you the wrong way to be a "relief pitcher," just tell her you're not comfortable doing that, and say you'd rather she finish while she's with her boyfriend. She may have mistakenly thought it was something you'd like.
Everybody's different and everybody has unique wants and needs. Your feelings and reactions to how things are going are perfectly valid. Doesn't mean everyone would feel the same way, but I'm sure quite a few people would.
Just try to not approach her in an accusing way, saying she's being insensitive or whatever. Just tell her that there's certain things you need/miss that you wish she'd do more, and that you're uncomfortable with finishing an encounter that started with the boyfriend.
And be open to the possibility that there might be things she wants to ask for too. It's all about communication.
It's not a matter if your concerns are valid. You have them. Period. Best way to deal is to calmly communicate; don't be accusing. I never assume that someone is purposely dissing me, and 99% of the time I'm right. Usually the issue stems from a miscommunication, someone having their head up their ass and not fully paying attention, or a difference in perception. No one can read minds. You just need to talk to her about it.
Also, I don't know what things she is doing with him that she is no longer doing with you, but partners are different. There are certain things I could not do with my now deceased partner due to physical discomfort that I can do with my current partner because they are built differently.
Also, I don't know what things she is doing with him that she is no longer doing with you, but partners are different. There are certain things I could not do with my now deceased partner due to physical discomfort that I can do with my current partner because they are built differently.
Thank you all for your input, it was helpfull. We had a sit down conversation and there were tears when she heard how I was feeling but we were able to come to an agreement and for now we are going to put a cool down time between time with her boyfriend and me. We don't make it a permanent thing and emotions are dynamic and I might some day be OK with it. Still working on the other issue, mainly because I said I just wanted her to know how i was feeling but I didn't want it to feel like I was trying to force her into doing something she didn't want to do. Thank you so much for the replies.