Someone tell me it works

L

LadySFI

New member
Hi all,

I understand this is a support forum, so people will come with hard questions for things occurring in their lives. However, I have been reading for a few days now, and most of the posts scare the crap out of me.

Can some people with long-term healthy, functional poly relationships please chime in? I am less than 8 weeks into mine and am really scared by the complications I am reading about. I am willing to put in the work and communicate. I accept that some strife can go along with sharing/splitting time, etc. I just need to know that this is working for some people and that overall they are truly happy with their lifestyle choice.
 
Hehe, no wonder you're scared. Poly goes so against the grain of mainstream society. Most people are first-generation polyamorists. They/we are forging a new path in life that goes contrary to everything society has brainwashed us to believe.

I've been poly at heart all my life (I'm 57) but only learned the term and tried to start practicing in 1999. My now ex-husband and I botched it with newbie mistakes. We were unicorn hunters and struggled mightily with jealousy. But after we separated in 2008, I set out on my own to practice polyamory and it's been basically a great adventure! I found a wonderful gf almost right away.

She's been very tolerant and supportive of my continuing to date. I am bi/pansexual and really wanted a bf. I didn't find "Mr Right" for 3 years, so I dated a couple dozen guys during my search and had a lot of fun, got my heart nicked a few times...

You can read my blog. It's not overly dramatic, just your basic garden-variety poly person of a certain age.
 
Remember, most people don't post on a message board/forum: "OMG! My life is going perfect and there are no problems ever." It's generally used for having others help you find solutions to problems you can't.

But there are a few people on here that have relationships of 10+ years.

As for me, I've just hit 1 year with my boyfriend. When my fiancee and I get married, we'll be at 4 years. My boyfriend and his wife just celebrated 10 years together, and she is in her third year with her boyfriend.
 
I have been married 12 years and with my boyfriend a year.

Everything is going just fine.
 
Oh yeah, I should add I've been with my gf Pixi 4 1/2 years, and with my bf Ginger for 1 1/2. He's also married, been with his wife since the late 1970s, and they've always been poly.
 
I've been in a relationship with my husband for about 20 years, monogamous for 16, poly for about 4 years now. I've been with both my BFs for about 18 months. My husband has been with his GF for about 2 years.

I cannot imagine living another way anymore. There are lows, but there were lows in monogamy, and the highs are so much higher!

Also, I feel that polyamory is giving me major opportunities to grow, to become a more rounded, balanced person. My poly life has been a boost for my spiritual life, and the past 4 years have taught me so incredibly much about myself, dealing with letting go, jealousies, insecurities, and most importantly, learning to be brutally honest with myself about everything (and I still suck at this!)

So yeah, it's working for me. I can see myself going back to a committed monogamous relationship for a while, if circumstances made it necessary. But I do feel that non-monogamy will always find its way back into my life.
 
Sheila and I just celebrated 5 years and she's been with John about 4. It's been largely drama free. In fact, he and I are in the waiting room waiting for her to get out of surgery right now.
 
Dagferi said:
I have been married 12 years and with my boyfriend a year.

Everything is going just fine.
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Similar situation here. Been married 13 years. Been on and off with my other partner for 25 years. Spouse has been with their other partner for over a year.

No major problems, just minor ones, like you'd have with any other relationship. The secret is to know yourself, and know when something is not about you, and know when something is about you.

This forum is good for some things: learning from other people's mistakes, and figuring out how not to treat people, or allow oneself to be treated, to name a couple of them.

But by all means, OP, if the things you read here scare you, feel free to not be non-monogamous.
 
BoringGuy said:
The secret is to know yourself, know when something is not about you, know when something is about you.
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Beautiful.

LadySFI, if you pay attention, you'll notice some similarities between the multitude of train wrecks available to peruse on this site. You will see that people are lying to each other, being possessive and controlling, and withholding critical communication. Now, run through your extensive memory banks and reflect on all of the monogamous relationships which were effortless and flourished under these conditions.

Can't think of any? That's because relationships between possessive, controlling, passive (aggressive) people tend to have tons of drama and end with a bang (which is what you see on these boards). The key to any relationship is for everyone to be honest, respect each other's independence, and speak up when you feel you have something you need to share. Most people know that intuitively, even though they rarely seem to behave accordingly.
 
BigGuy said:
Sheila and I just celebrated 5 years and she's been with John about 4. It's been largely drama free. In fact he and I are in the waiting room waiting for her to get out of surgery.
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Oh gosh. I hope she's ok!

It's an incredible comfort to me to imagine, if something bad ever happened to me, waking up to see multiple partners waiting to see me. I know it's a weird thought, but it makes me feel very loved and secure.
 
I've had a number of relationships in my life, some mono, some poly. So far, my relationship with my married girlfriend Gia is the longest lasting, at 3.5 years and counting.

Imagine if you were a young teen entering the dating world for the first time and asking us if traditional dating can work. Yes, it can. Does that mean your particular relationship will last forever? Well, frankly, no, most don't, especially not first relationships. But you have a shot, same as anybody. People often say variations of "Poly is Relationships 201," meaning you already need to have a strong grasp on the fundamentals of relationships-- honesty, communication, respect, time management, etc., if you want to succeed at this more complex version of it.

In the end, experience is the best teacher. Best of luck!
 
Another thing-- you tend to read about the bad things on a message board. No one wants to read me post about--

Murf is coming over this afternoon to eat dinner, spend time with me and the kids, watch TV, talk, make passionate love to me, and spend the night.

People only tend to post the bad, not the good.
 
Marcus said:
Beautiful.
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Thanks, you're not too shabby either. ;)

LadySFI, if you pay attention, you'll notice some similarities between the multitude of train wrecks available to peruse on this site. You will see that people are lying to each other, being possessive and controlling, and withholding critical communication. Now, run through your extensive memory banks and reflect on all of the monogamous relationships which were effortless and flourished under these conditions.

Couldn't think of any? That's because relationships between possessive, controlling, passive (aggressive) people tend to have TONS of drama and end with a bang (which is what you see on these boards). The key to any relationship is for everyone to be honest, respect each-others independence, and speak up when you feel you have something you need to share. Most people know that intuitively, even though they rarely seem to behave accordingly.
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One other thing-- a lot of the "trainwrecky" stories involve people who are looking for "advice" about how to get someone else to change their behaviour to suit the person posting the question. This can be anything from, "My partner is an insensitive prick who cheated, and when I found out, he said, 'Oh, it's because I'm poly.' What should I do?" to "We are poly, but our primaries won't let us spend the night together or eat in restaurants where someone might recognize us. What should we do?"

Then people will basically say that you can only control yourself, not other people, at which point the person will start 17 new threads asking the same question in different ways, hoping to get the answer that is the magic bullet and not have to actually confront their own life.
 
Dagferi said:
Another thing you tend to read about the bad things on a message board. No one wants to read me post about--

Murf is coming over this afternoon to eat dinner, spend time with me and the kids, watch TV, talk, make passionate love to me, and spend the night.

People only tend to post the bad, not the good.
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Not necessarily; it's just that the happy/everyday stories are either in Life Stories & Blogs, Fireplace, the "How are you doing?" thread, and the "Poly vignettes: sharing success and happiness" thread.

No one is going to post a thread that goes, "Everything's going great. Anyone have any advice on how to fuck up my life?"
 
Dagferi said:
No one wants to read me post about.:

Murf is coming over this afternoon to eat dinner, spend time with me and the kids watch TV, talk, make passionate love to me, and spend the night.
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Yes, this is why I'm having a hard time keeping up with my blog. Moonlight and I have been together for just shy of a year, Punk and I are going on two, and Fly and I have more than seven. There's not really a ton of NRE anymore, and we seem to have gotten most of the poly kinks worked out, so now it's just real life stuff.

Who cares that I made quiche for dinner, and Moonlight and Fly had a glass of wine and discussed baseball while I cooked, and Punk just headed out on another business trip, and unfortunately we didn't manage to get together for a movie while he was home, like we hoped? Kiddo went to overnight camp; one of the cats keeps having hairballs; I need to go grocery shopping; I had lovely sex with Fly on Sunday; naughty sex with Moonlight last night; and I'll probably sleep on my own tonight because I could use a good night's sleep. Riveting stuff, here!

Regular, normal, stable, everyday life is pure bliss, but it's not very interesting to post about on an internet forum. :rolleyes:
 
My monogamous marriage ended after 17 years. Did it not work? Or did its longevity, despite its end, mean that it did work?

My current relationship is a poly V. I'm mono and one of the arms. We are going into our third year. It's work, but it's respectful and good.

I don't know how to measure whether or not a relationship works, but my relationship with my partner is working. It has hurdles, but they're not insurmountable. Our relationship with each other is wonderful. I think that's the key to any successful relationship, regardless of configuration.

Summary: don't worry too much about the configuration of the relationship as a measure of success. Look at the people in it.
 
YouAreHere said:
My monogamous marriage ended after 17 years. Did it not work? Or did its longevity, despite its end, mean that it did work?
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Agreed, longevity is a really crappy gauge for deciding if a relationship is "working" or not.

People tend to over-focus on keeping the relationship together. Making appropriate adjustments to a relationship because the people in it have changed is a perfectly natural and healthy progression. Ending a relationship altogether, if it turns out that is is necessary for some reason, is a fine alternative to trudging through it in misery. People change, and their relationships necessarily change with them.
 
Reading through all this, I actually think that maybe we should just start one thread with the title "boring everyday poly life events" so it could be referred to as an example when people ask this kind of questions. Many people post all their vacuum cleaning and dog walking on their Facebook. Why not have a thread like that here, too?
 
I agree, Marcus, although I sure as heck spent way too much time trying to "make it work" at the end (kids and a house and a stay-at-home spouse and all).

Nadya, I recommend starting a "Look at what I'm currently eating" thread to kick it all off... ;)
 
LadySFI said:
I just need to know that this is working for some people and that overall they are truly happy with their lifestyle choice.
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What is the "this" you are asking about? Polyamory in general? A triad? A vee? A quad? Communication? Time management?

There are a myriad number of choices members here have made in their respective lifestyles. Knowing that what they chose works for them might not even be remotely relevant to whether polyamory will work for you. For some people, it works. For others, it might not work.

Now, why is it important for you to know others are happy with having chosen to live their lives polyamorously? Would the successes, failures, happiness, or unhappiness of strangers involved in polyamory really be an indicator of what is possible for you? It is a well-known fact that many people do not have happy monogamous relationships. Did that ever stop you from entering into any?

I think what is more important is to ask whether or not you want to engage in multiple loving relationships, and if so, are you and your partners willing to do the necessary work so that these relationship are successful and fulfilling for all of you? Do you think you will be able to be happy in polyamory?
 
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