Special friends

T

Tigger40

New member
We're ~40, married ~20 years, recently empty-nesters as our only child is finishing her freshman year of college.

I've toyed with but had never seriously considered the idea of poly as a legitimate option, despite my habit of repeatedly falling in love with all the wrong people. ('Wrong' as in, not available-- mainly because *I* wasn't available.) I found myself in an affair, painfully extricated myself from it.

And then last October, my husband found a special friend. Suddenly our world opened up. I did not feel jealous or resentful or anything but happy that he was having this experience. More than once I wondered if that meant something is wrong with me or wrong with our marriage.

But to hell with it. We love each other and we're happy and I don't think there is anything wrong with us. It is my nature to research the hell out of everything, so I read Helen Fisher's work and a bunch of other stuff and we created our own narrative.

We haven't really made any decisions or had any physical experiences outside the marriage. We are still exploring and thinking, learning, and meeting people. We aren't interested in a mutual partner-- we're both very straight-- we are happy for each of us to have our own special friend(s).

He's had better luck than I've had, sort of. He's had 4 special friends, hasn't declared himself to any of them. The 1st broke his heart, the 2nd he's had a lot of uncertainty about her interest, the 3rd & 4th know about our "exploring options" status and I'm pretty sure the 4th is aware of his interest, and though she doesn't seem to reciprocate she also doesn't discourage him from being friends.

I, on the other hand, have not had even that much luck. I had one very good friend, and did 'come out' to him, and there was mutual interest but the net result is now we don't speak. :( I'm still pretty broken hearted about him. He wanted to stay married, and didn't see a way to include me in that goal. It's reasonable, I don't blame him, but I am sad.

I almost had a new friend after that, but, well, I'm learning. You experiment, you try things, and based on the outcome, you learn. What I learned from almost-friend was a) thoroughly google-stalk a person, and b) apparently it's unreasonable to be 'just friends' after admitting that there is potential for interest. (There wasn't even interest on my side yet. Just potential. I'd have been perfectly happy to be 'just friends'.)

So at the moment I'm feeling a bit lonely. If I feel any jealousy it's because my husband has special friends-- even if they aren't likely to go anywhere-- and I don't.

That is why I'm here today. I don't want to wreck any marriages or hurt anyone. So maybe I should be looking, not in the general population which is 99% (I made up that statistic) hypothetically mono & already partnered, but in a place that is enriched in poly people.

And maybe I can learn from your experiences, not have to have quite so many painful lessons myself.
 
Feel your pain

Hello, Tigger 40.

I feel your pain. I mean... I understand what you feel.
In a few lines I will tell you why I think I feel you and then I'll give you my input in the hopes that it might be of help or consolation.

I have been with the person I am with for the last 10 years. I was always poly in my mind, and told her. But she was insecure and thus jealous. For that she could not bare the idea of my having other people. Not wanting to cause her any grief I never got involved with anyone else, not even people that I had fallen in love with before our relation and that were later available (very available, she is half naked and I have my hand on her breast available and walk away after explaining why I wouldn't do it, even if I believed you should be as you feel with the person you are with at that moment).

After seven years she fell in love with a girl she works with. She asked what I though and I told her what I always had believed in (again) and that it wasn't up to me to decide but that I would stand by her no matter what. Notice that I never refer to her as being "my" girlfriend or "my" anything really, because, even though usually for not poly people I do, I only do it in the lack of a better term. I don't consider anyone, anyone's property.

So she got involved with the other girl and they assumed they were girlfriends like I and her were boyfriend and girlfriend (in my country this means anything from kissing up to the getting engaged for monogamous people, you can also be in this state and live together with the other like a married couple without actually getting married or having any intention of doing it - I personally dislike the concept behind marriage... the whole contract thing).

In the beginning she was still jealous of me, but that went away when she began contemplating the hippothesis of leaving me to be free to live with the other or something like that. I knew I would be sad for not being able to live with her... but I was never jealous. That never came to pass. They are still lovers, we still live together. However, people that approach me usually are not interested in sharing me. The poly status does seem to set most people interested in having a serious relationship away.

Even now she told me she had just been kissing another girl she met last night, and, like you, I don't seem to find anyone willing to accept this open, honest, serious situation.

But let me tell you... our relation is better than it was before. More open and happier. Slowly, through much talk, certain weights are vanishing. Slowly she is learning that she is not responsible for any of my potential pains or frustrations... these are all mine, yours are your not yours husband's. Do not let him feel he is responsible, he is not (and vice versa). We are responsible for what we allow ourselves to feel.

So, from my experience... be glad that he has people that make him happy. This will be indirectly good for you. Be happy that your relation gains from that. The happier you are the easier will be for you to be attractive for other people. Avoid feeling frustrated... be available in your mind, your hearth, your actions... even if nothing seems to happen. Take advantage of even the smaller things that brings you, even the just friends situations are good for your moral.

Keep flowing. Don't attach yourself to any ideas or preconceived notions. You don't know how things will turn out. The girlfriend of "my" girlfriend (need to create a word for this that doesn't imply the belonging notion) has been at our home many times with her in my absence and some times we managed to be together when I got back and watched a movie or ate something together, been to the theatre together. These are two separate relations or a "V" relation if you will. But that doesn't mean we can't all get along fine :)
And who knows what the future has in store for us, for any of us.

So... don't fret. Accept what you feel, don't fight it, identify it, and if it doesn't make you feel good let it flow away. Understand the circumstances and use that understanding to change the way you feel for the better. The little frustrations can be overwhelmed by other goals that have nothing to do with your relation. So my friends don't want a deeper commitment because I already live with a person. That is fine, I keep available and I direct my energy towards my physical training and my work, with very interesting results.

Be happy and grateful for what you have and keep available for more. Eventually you will get your chance (and even if you don't you have someone that loves you and lots of energy to do other things you like) :)

I hope this helps, feel free to pose any questions. I am will be glad to answer them (always from my own experience - I am not the holder of any magical truth) ;)

Cheers and much love <3 :)
 
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Greetings Tigger40,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

In addition to TiagodaCruz's good advice, I can point you to a couple of web links that will allow you to actually seek out poly-friendly people for dating purposes:

In addition, I can list (if you're interested) a list of links to help you find local poly groups in your area. These wouldn't be dating groups per se but they'd give you an opportunity to rub shoulders with some poly people IRL (not just on the web).

Poly has its bumps and potholes and one of those is that sometimes one partner's "getting good luck" while the other partner's "getting bad luck." Don't let it get you down; the truth is you and your husband could find your roles reversed in that sense at some point and then he'll have to come to you for extra comfort.

In the meantime, take advantage of all Polyamory.com has to offer and learn lots. Read and reply to the posts that catch your attention. Educate yourself on the pitfalls to watch out for and the rewards to look forward to. You might enjoy what the Life stories and blogs board has to offer in that regard.

It's great to have you with us; sounds like you and your husband both have a good head on your shoulders.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 
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HI Tigger40 and welcome to the forum. I have jsut recently joined as well. Seems like you have been given some very good advice above.
Sometimes just being patient is the hardest part.
I have been in search for that 'special someone' for hubby and myself for many years. There are times when I get that hopeless feeling, but I remind myself to just have faith and if it's meant to be it will happen.
I will "endeavor to persevere" [Outlaw Josey Wales], and hope you will as well.
Hope to see you around the forum! :D
 
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