Spending money

Emm said:
That leads very easily to the idea that if a guy buys you dinner you owe him sex.
Click to expand...
I remain baffled by the number of people I've met who seem to believe that.

Heck, when I ask someone out, for coffee, dinner, drinks, movies, dancing, or whatever, then that is the reason I am asking to share some time. That's how I am even with a lover of some years!

Of course, if my interest in sex has a high priority, I'm NOT shy about mentioning this. ;) I mean, what sane person would want to be hanging onto all that suspense all damned evening?? It'd be a total distraction from being properly "in the moment," which undermines the point of having time together.

And you can call me "practical," but if people have jobs (let alone kids at home), then everyone knowing up-front how events are likely to proceed simply makes proper scheduling a LOT easier. :cool:
 
To answer the OPs original point. I make the money and make all of the major financial decisions, with input from the boys. BUT, they each have "fun money" that they don't have to account to me for and can spend on whatever they want (dating others, dating me, buying toys, etc.) This was well established before poly-dating was an issue. It has worked well for MrS and I for several decades and I advocate this approach! (We, jokingly, refer to this as "hookers and drugs" money!)

*******************

With regards to the "who pays when dating" side discussion: In my world "Dutch" is the expectation unless someone is "gifting". (i.e. You are taking me out for my birthday or I am treating you to an experience that you wouldn't be able to afford.) Who asks whom is kind of irrelevant in my world - presumably it is a mutually agreeable positive or you wouldn't have accepted.

I am in the fortunate position to be able to afford to pay my own way (and the way of the boys) for anything I/we want to experience. If inviting our friends/lovers/potentials to experience those things with me/us makes it even more enjoyable then I will pay for them too. Or cover the excess, or let them treat, or whatever.

I think that the "traditional" expectation that "men pay" has a lot to do with the historical gender-gap when it comes to income (i.e. the person with the most money pays, men earn more money, therefore, men pay.) The fact that this has morphed into - "men pay for dates with the expectation of sex" - is an unfortunate side-effect, in my opinion.

Although, to be fair, I have never really "dated" :rolleyes:.

My (mono) BFF, SLeW, is currently actively dating to find "the one". She views dates as "free dinner with the possibility of sex...or more". The boys are paying for the privilege of her time/attention and the possibility of developing something else. Now, to be fair, she has other expenses to consider. Accepting someone's offer of a date involves her arranging for child-care (single mom) and whatever "girl-prep" she deems appropriate (outfits, makeup, hair-cuts, waxing - whatever "girly-girls" to do primp for a date :p).
 
Last edited:
Cool - thanks for all the great replies. We are definitely establishing different accounts now and I'm excited that it may help with both budgeting and independence. For budgeting I've read a lot on the internet of how having different pots really help track where your money is going and how much is spent on optional items. Seems like a smart idea to avoid the problem of the commons just from the budgeting side...

But its interesting for us to realize how there is a subtle exercise of control via a shared account that we were not aware of before. I'm pretty excited that a couple things I have been deferring because I felt pressure to not spend money on them (like taking some bass guitar lessons) are something that I can budget for and make happen within our overall budget... Anyway, really appreciate hearing from others on this.

As far as the who pays for dinner. With my upbringing its natural for me to want to pay sometimes, particularly on the first few dates. It would feel pretty awkward for me not to on the first time or two unless my date insisted in which case it would feel awkward to push the concept. But then I certainly would suggest the practical dutch approach for the long term. But that's just me with my upbringing.

Of course when I first started dating my wife, she got mad the first time I opened a door for her and saw it as a power thing and a lack of respect. Now after 25 years together where she knows my views on women are right there with her ardent feminism as well as power exchange that often is in her direction, then she loves having me open doors for her or paying for her as a sign of respect and romance, that least for the two of us does not convey anything negative...

I did know until looking it up that an upside down shot glass meant your next drink is paid for...
 
Thanks (to all of you!) for giving insight into how you and your relationships manage money.
So far me and my SO have been keeping separate accounts, although he has already suggested several times to transition to a joint account.
I'm reluctant to do so. Thus far he is definitely the one contributing more money to our life and paying for a lot of what we spend together, maybe that's why I'm reluctant, joining accounts would make it even more obvious that I earn and contribute much less, show even more clearly how much I rely on him financially.
He hasn't exactly complained but (I think that) he thinks it's lack of trust that makes me hesitate.
It's hard for me to deal with "unfair" situations even (or especially!) if I'm the one benefiting.
 
I actually thought about this thread yesterday.

Hubby and I have very tight finances. In the last year, we've made multiple decisions that have led to us transitioning from a solidly middle class standing to firmly being low income. He's chasing his dream career, we have a baby, and I took a hiatus from my career path since childcare costs were so ridiculous. So, all of our money currently goes together to be put wherever it is needed in the budget.

When we were doing better financially, all of our full-time job money went to the main budget to be divvied out as necessary. Any part-time jobs went 50% to our debt snowball and 50% to the person who did the job. So, when I was working a full-time job (plus occasional overtime) that went to the main budget, but then my second job went directly to me (and debt because paying that off is our huge joint goal).

In the next 3 months, I see our budget getting more stable, so a modified version of that policy will be adopted again. It encourages us to work hard but also gives our primary goals a good financial boost. It's a win-win.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top