Spending time with metamours...who should initiate?

M

MsEmotional

Member
My newest partner (Whiskers) lives with his wife and her other partner. They all coparent their baby together. Collectively (when checking schedules, etc) Whiskers refers to his wife and metamour as his "family."

Note: I'm realizing that I don't have established nicknames for all of the people I am going to refer to in this post and I don't want to invent permanent ones right now. So for the purposes of this post, I'm just going to use the following....

Wife: Whiskers's wife

Meta: Whiskers's wife's partner; who lives and coparents with Whiskers and Wife.

GF: Whisker's girlfriend of ~4-5 years; lives an hour away with her husband and kid.

Meta'sGF: Meta's girlfriend of (many?) years; lives in town with her husband and kids

Okay, so here's the thing: I am getting pretty attached to Whiskers. Not in a clingy way (I hope), but I am developing stronger feelings for him and I am sensing that he is developing stronger feelings for me too. It has gotten to the point where I realized today that it might be a little painful/awkward for me to see him kiss his wife in front of me. Whereas initially I felt nothing but compersion for them (I really like Wife and think she is pretty awesome...similarly, she seems to like me as far as I can tell), I am now realizing that I have never been exposed to them being affectionate with each other beyond holding hands. And I suppose I am getting nervous that if I don't expose myself to their relationship now, it will only be harder to do so later when I am in love with him.

Whiskers, Wife and Meta all seem pretty comfortable with Kitchen Table Poly -- GF stays over at Whiskers's house sometimes, Meta'sGF comes over once a week for dinner with them, and obviously Whiskers and Meta get along well enough to live together. But all of those relationships have been in place for 4+ years -- for all I know, they didn't start doing that until a year or more into the "new" relationship. I have only been dating Whiskers for 4 months.

Awhile back -- around date 5 perhaps -- I suggested that I come over to his house and we hang out there. Whiskers had introduced me to Wife, Meta, GF and Meta'sGF around date 2 and so I figured he was comfortable with us all hanging out. In actuality he said it might be awkward for "an early date" and so I didn't push it and we made other plans.

Now that we have been dating for 4 months, I am tempted to suggest something similar again. But I don't know if it's okay to suggest or if he's already told me that it was too soon for that and I need to wait until he and his family are comfortable with including me in their home dynamic.

Should I let Whiskers initiate a "polycule hangout" when he is ready, given that he knows I am comfortable with it because I already suggested it early on? Or should I bring it up again myself? Should I explain that I would like to do it sooner rather than later so that it is casual and not A BIG DEAL? Or would that be pushy? On the one hand, this is something that I want and I would like to speak up about that. On the other, he knows his family better than I do and I don't want to push something that will make others uncomfortable.
 
If it were me? I'd be direct. Something like...

"Whiskers, I just realized that that I have never been exposed to you and wife being affectionate with each other beyond holding hands. I am getting nervous that if I don't stat getting used to that now, it will only be harder to do so later if we get more involved.

Could we plan to hang out at your place to so I can start getting to know your people? Last time I asked you said it might be awkward for an early date. We've now been dating for 4 mos.

What do you think? Can we plan a movie or board game night or something with those in your family that might be up for that? It doesn't have to be all of them if they aren't ready."

Or skip the part in blue if you don't want to say all of it.

On the one hand, this is something that I want and I would like to speak up about that. On the other, he knows his family better than I do and I don't want to push something that will make others uncomfortable.
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Which is why you could bring it up and ASK him which family members would comfortable and be up for it. Because you cannot be a mind reader and you are trying to get your needs met. If he himself is not ready, he can say so. And then you can ask when he thinks he might be ready.

Asking for information is not being pushy. It's asking for information. Because you cannot be a mind reader. Participate in your relationship.

Galagirl
 
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GalaGirl said:
If it were me? I'd be direct.

Because you cannot be a mind reader and you are trying to get your needs met. If he himself is not ready, he can say so. And then you can ask when he thinks he might be ready.

Asking for information is not being pushy. It's asking for information. Because you cannot be a mind reader. Participate in your relationship.

Galagirl
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As usual, your advice to be direct is probably my best bet.

I think my concern about being pushy is that I felt like I had already gotten an answer from him on that point. But you are right, suggesting something and being told “not yet” is not the same thing as being told “no” — and asking “when?” is not the same thing as asking, “how about now?”
 
Hi MsE,

The last time you asked Whiskers about spending time with the metamours at his house, you were on your fifth date with him. Now it has been four months. To me, that seems long enough to broach the subject again. You don't have to push; you can just ask, "Whiskers, now that we've been dating for four months, would this be a good time for me to come over and hang out with the metamours?" Whiskers is then free to say no ... and if he does, I hope he would give you some idea of "when." That's my take on it anyway.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
kdt26417 said:
Hi MsE,

The last time you asked Whiskers about spending time with the metamours at his house, you were on your fifth date with him. Now it has been four months. To me, that seems long enough to broach the subject again. You don't have to push; you can just ask, "Whiskers, now that we've been dating for four months, would this be a good time for me to come over and hang out with the metamours?" Whiskers is then free to say no ... and if he does, I hope he would give you some idea of "when." That's my take on it anyway.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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Thanks Kevin. I think this is approximately what I’m going to say:

“Whiskers, I remember a few months ago I suggested hanging out at your house and you said it would be a little awkward for an early date. At what point do you think that might be something that would be comfortable for you and your family to try with me?”

If he says something about not seeing the point or not wanting to rush it, I might follow up with:

“I definitely don’t want to make anyone else uncomfortable. From my perspective, it wouldn’t be uncomfortable — or rather, it is the kind of discomfort that I would view as a challenge to be exposed to, rather than something to be avoided. I understand if you and your family aren’t there yet, but it is something I would like to try when you are ready.”
 
Sounds like a good plan.
 
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