Starting my poly life

Sooo... when I accepted to file jointly instead of on my own, I knew I was probably going to regret it. So much so that I didn't even tell anyone else because I'm so tired of hearing how wrong I was to trust Raga and how stupid I am to keep giving him more chances.

Well the lawyers received my paperwork on the 17th of July, meaning I would be divorced by now if I had filed on my own (they said filing alone takes 2 weeks at the most). But he hadn't sent anything by then. He hadn't even set an appointment with a notary even though I gave him the dates a week or two early so he'd have time to book right away.
After I bugged him though he saw a notary on the 19th and sent an email telling me he was on his way to the post office.

So, frustrating but not too bad, we all have unexpected stuff happen every so often, maybe he ended up missing his previous appointment, I'm willing to give him the benefit of the doubt rather than assume he hadn't set an appointment to begin with.
After all, a lot has happened to me that wad unexpected. My mother-in-law dying, us losing the house, my brother vanishing suddenly with nobody knowing where he went, etc. That's why you always plan ahead because you probably won't have time at the last minute due to something unexpected happening.

But now, the second of August, they still have received nothing. I contacted raga who said he sent it in standard mail. I don't even want to know why he would do that. I told him I would pay. So instead of overnight or express with tracking, he sent his divorce paperwork in the slowest way possible, and in such a way that we can never know if it got lost or even if they did receive it but misplaced it, lied, etc.

So now, being at the point where I'm going to have to leave soon, I pretty much have to start over with the divorce and file on my own. Because the paperwork is different I have to re-notarise it, too. This is a huge mess and once again I tell myself "why did you trust him? Is there any time in the past eight years that hasn't backfired?"

I'm starting to think the untrustworthy ones aren't the obvious assholes, but the people who seemingly mean well, but procrastinate and do everything half-assed.
 
Tonberry said:
I'm starting to think the untrustworthy ones aren't the obvious assholes, but the people who seemingly mean well, but procrastinate and do everything half-assed.
Click to expand...

This is classic passive-aggressive behavior. They say one thing so they can look good, because it bothers them when people think they can't be trusted, but then they find every excuse in the book to not do what they said they would. My husband does this kind of shit and I lived with it for 20 years before understanding what was going on (my family is the complete opposite, we argue about everything, say no then change our minds, etc). It made me take a serious look at what his childhood might have been really like and it gave me a much different understanding of him. Although it still pisses me off, I am able to recognize when it's happening or alter my approach to get better results (or at least the truth), most of the time. It's still a work in progress.

Watch, his paperwork will show up just after you have filed the new paperwork :rolleyes:.
 
Yeah, I expect that this will happen :p

It's frustrating because I know he's not really doing it on purpose, during our whole relationship there was a lot of sabotaging on his part, some of it affecting me but most of it accepting him. And I don't think he was aware of it, although pointing it out every time it happened might have led him to eventually recognise the signs and work on it.

I'm glad you figured it out with your husband. I think it's important to recognise when we are different that it's not about being mean or anything like that, but processing things in a different way.
For instance, Seamus used to get annoyed with my correcting him and, from his point of you, arguing over nothing. We eventually realised it's a way for me to deal with stress: when I have no control over something, be it a situation, a room, a person/animal, you name it, then I try to put order into other things.
One of these is for instance counting money and sorting the coins and putting them in rolls, which I have a long history of doing when stressed out. Similar thing with creating a budget. But sometimes I also try to order grammar and that extends to other people. Which can make me annoying, but I only do that when I'm stressed out to begin with.

We figured that out while we were cleaning up our office, which was a real mess. Seamus was feeling like he had accomplished a lot and he was in a good mood, but the more we worked on it, the more I was getting stressed out and so he would make comment and I would be annoying in ways I didn't see as annoying. For instance to name an example from a comic, if he had said "it's like watching paint dry in hell" I would have commented "Wouldn't paint dry fast in hell since it's so hot and dry there?" and he would get frustrated, when I though we were having an interesting conceptual debate.

It took him asking why I was being so critical that day to make me realise I was doing it (As I said, I don't see it as annoying or I wouldn't do it in the first place) and then realise why I was doing it: cleaning up a whole room requires making the mess worse, and I feel like I've accomplished nothing at all until it's completely organised, as in, books not just put on their shelves but sorted by author, genre and so on.
I'm completely fine with something being messy if I'm not working on it, because I'm "tuning it out", but once I'm actively trying to clean it, it's a personal failure if there is anything not in the right spot. And when you start out, everything you find needs to be moved onto a temporary spot until the right spot is completely clear, so to me it's not doing anything at all, it's still messy, but because I'm supposed to be sorting it, I"m just doing a lousy job.

And since I'm unable to sort and organise the room in a satisfactory way, I do it with other aspects instead, such as my conversations.

Anyways, ever since we had that talk, he's more tolerant of my comments and I'm more aware of them and try to limit them more. We also try to figure out something else I could be doing that could give me the feeling of having finished something. For instance, sorting the cards of a card game, or the pawns of a board game, or something like that where I can finish it, then close the box and it's actually done and I can go back to working on the room.

Seamus has completely different mechanisms. When he feels like there is something wrong, he needs to fix it, or he completely shuts down, doesn't really respond and gets completely apathetic. Now that I know that, I offer him ways to "fix" things, even when I feel there is nothing to fix and I was just trying to process things by talking about them. Even if what I say he can do to "fix" the situation has nothing to do with anything, it gives him a way to do something and then move on because the problem has been solved.

It helps that our ways of dealing with stress are not completely opposed. With Raga, a big problem was that the way each of us deals with stress is very stressful to the other person and so we just make things worse for each other. It also mean we never had the ability to step back, look at a situation and see how to deal with it in the future, because we were both too stressed out by everything to think about it in a constructive manner.
 
Talked to the lawyer again, after Raga sent me an email checking in because they should have received it by now. No kidding! They should have received it almost two weeks ago.
She was annoyed when I suggested to check that they didn't get it and said I should ask him for the tracking number. I said there isn't one and I suspect she'll say that there is nothing to do then and it's our fault for not tracking it. I can't blame her for that, but I do blame her for trying to convince me to file jointly. Ultimately it's my fault that I did of course. I always fall for it, try to give him a chance to end this on a good note, and I'm always disappointed. I can't stop hating myself for it. The whole point of the Nevada divorce was that it was a way to do it where he could not stop it, prevent it or slow it down. The second I said yes to his filing with me, I lost all of that, and made it all rely on him. And if there is something I learned about him, it's that he's completely unreliable. As much as he always blames it on everything else, he doesn't realise that failing to plan is planning to fail. I'm sure he's thinking 'oh well it's not my fault if the mail got lost' but the fact still is that in order to save 15 bucks, he's costing me a thousand, three weeks delay in the divorce, the loss of a job that stopped being available in August (after waiting for me to be divorced since August 2011) and possibly even preventing me from divorcing if I need a resident affidavit again as I need to leave the country soon and my landlord now knows that since I had to give my notice on the first of August.

But just as he is to blame for relying on the post office instead of getting a guarantee in the form of tracking, I am to blame for relying on him instead of getting a guarantee in the form of filing alone.

I hate that in the past decade, my worst mistakes have all been trusting and relying. I wish I could go back and do everything on my own. I shouldn't have agreed to marry him so he could stay in France and trusted he'd cooperate if we divorced. I shouldn't have trusted him to file the application for my Canadian residency, which he still blames me for even though my side was done in 2009 (I even complained on a forum in 2010) that I had to refile most of it since the data I had put in was all out of date by then. So I know I'm not remembering it wrong.
I shouldn't have trusted him with the Canadian divorce and should have applied for it before I left Canada.

When I look back, every time I chose 'trust him, give him a chance' over 'be cynical and do everything yourself', I got bitten for it. Even the smallest thing. One thing that I can't forget is when I decided to learn to sew and had an exam. I wanted to check if I had packed my sewing supply. I was about to but he said he had checked, and when I started checking he said I didn't trust him, and as hard as it was, I agree not to check and left.
Of course they weren't in there. The whole trip there I wanted to check but made myself not check. I though I should trust him more, that working on it would be good for our relationship, etc.
So when I got there, it was too late yo go back and get them. And I had to do my sewing exam with no sewing supplies, which basically means I had yo wait for someone to finish their assignment and then be willing to lend me theirs.
Obviously I didn't pass, and I made up something about the written part of the exam having stupid questions because I wanted to be 'oh well' and not stay wounded by it.
But then he kept telling everyone about how I had stupid questions on my test and every time I had that same feeling again, of wanting to go back and not make that mistake again.

I hate that I'm still hurt by it after all this time. I hate that it still makes me cry. But it embodies the whole thing so very perfectly. I tried so hard to trust him but he didn't deserve that trust, and instead of getting closer we'd just grow more apart until the idea of trusting him with my life and my body because horrifying to me. I became so controlling. When I deal with him I get like that again.
Buy not enough. I still go 'well he's trying, I should give him a chance'

And I think I know why. I think it's because I tell myself that if one time, just one time, I end up being right trusting him, then all these times getting hurt, having my life get nowhere and so on will have been worth it.
But I'm just throwing good money after bad... Except it's not just money, it's my whole life.

I need to stop caring about seeing myself as a trusting person, and start caring about taking care of myself, my life, my career, everything.

Sorry I've been venting so much. It's so frustrating seeing so clearly how you've been wrong and being unable to go back and fix it.

In other, better news, I talked to the immigration lawyer again. He says if I'm divorced within a couple of weeks, I might still be able to stay in the US. So if I file the new paperwork right now, it will be a bit tight but it should still be OK.
 
Bad news: I do need a new resident witness affidavit. I have no clue why I can't use the same one, but it does mean I don't have one and might not find a witness to sign for it.

This was all planned perfectly and I had to ruin it all by letting the lawyer influence me into turning it into a joint application. I'm so frustrated with myself.
Worst of all, I haven't told Seamus yet that I agreed to let Raga apply with me. I thought he'd worry too much that nothing would get done and as a result I wanted to wait and tell him once it was a done thing. That means he's expecting the divorce to be done any time now, and I have to tell him I'm starting over at best, and possibly I can't divorce at all anymore.
This is going to be a very stressful conversation.
 
Stop beating yourself up. You did what you did. You erred on the side of hoping you could trust him. Now you know for sure you cannot. End of discussion. It's just going to be a further waste of your time and energy to be angry with yourself about it.

Try to look at this development as a new problem with a new set of tasks. See what you can do to speed things along, and don't be afraid to ask people for help. You've been through so much, you can get through this now.
 
You're right, and I have decided to move on. I sent Raga a message, offering to pay for him to notarise it again and send it overnight this time with tracking.
This is money I am willing to lose if he doesn't do it. If he does, I asked for the tracking number and we can see that everything gets done.
If I don't have a tracking number by the end of the week and they haven't received the old paperwork as well, I'll start a new procedure and I'll figure it out.

I know I said I wouldn't trust him again, but this would me a metaphorical handshake and allow both of us some closure. And because of the deadline, if it doesn't turn out only a couple of days will have been lost. And I'll know I'll have done everything I can think of for us to deal with it together, and I'm confident I can stop blaming myself and just move on whichever scenario happens.
 
Quick update because I'm on greyhound.
I asked Raga. Yesterday was too late for him to call the notary to get an appointment so he did today. He sent me pictures of the documents and of the tracking number. I'll sent the number to the lawyer as soon as I post this.
 
Yes, it is. Raga says it should arrive on Tuesday, since there is the weekend in the middle and it's international (and Canada Post doesn't work on Saturdays for some reason. This has always been weird to me as both the French and the US postal services do).
And if that happened to get lost again, my landlord seems to be fine with being my witness a second time, so I should still be able to re-apply.

I should say, as I forgot to in my previous post, that Raga refused my money, as he doesn't want it to be used against him, which I'm not going to complain about.

The lawyer said she'd email as soon as she gets the paperwork, I'll keep you in touch when that happens.
 
I just received the decree of divorce! We are now divorced. Next updates should be about something completely different :)
 
Here is to a new chapter and moving forward.
 
It's been a while since I last posted, because there was sensitive information and I wasn't comfortable talking online, just in case.

Long story short, I missed the window to apply for a green card while legally in the US by a few days, due to the divorce taking longer than anticipated. I still applied, got a good lawyer, and yesterday got finally approved (I should receive it within the month). However until then, my situation was a grey area at best, and so I worried about being too public about it.

Now, though, the US government knows all the details, and has decided I can stay, which means that it's retroactively fine that I spent some time on US soil without a visa.

This is tremendous news and a huge relief for me, as it has taken so long. However my green card will be a conditional green card, meaning it is good for 2 years instead of 10. After 2 years I will need to go through the same process again.
In the meantime though, as soon as I get my green card in the mail, I will be able to work, get a driving license, and travel outside the US. This is a huge relief and a great step in my life.

While it has nothing to do with polyamory, I figure it might be of interest to people who have followed my journal thus far.
 
My life has been going pretty well. Since getting my green card, I have been able to look for jobs and currently have three. One of them, the first I got of the three, is a tutoring job. The hourly pay is pretty good, but I only get 4-6 hours a week and it's pretty far from where I live so it's not ideal. I'm thinking of quitting it. When I started it, the idea was to be doing something, anything, and the hope was to get many students and teach them French.

Instead, I'm pretty much babysitting a 9 year old while she complains about her homework, and I'm not enjoying it.

The second job I got a few months ago, working in a Mart-type store. I was pretty excited because the hours are steady, there is a minimum of 20 hours a week (maximum 40, my average is around 30-35) and I thought it would be very good for my career. At first it seems really like a good opportunity as I started getting promoted a lot, and I'm in line for a big promotion as a manager (complete with benefits) but... the pay is minimum wage (and apparently everyone in the store is earning pretty much that, regardless of position of how long they've been with a company. There is a woman who has been working with them for 29 years and her only raises have been due to raises in the minimum wage).

Still, I credit the Mart job with helping me socialise a lot more, interact with people, make friends of my own rather than just friends of my husband's, and developing a steady work schedule (I wake up early even on days I have off, now. Just got used to it. I used to have so many issues with sleep).

The third job is the most recent and the one I'm currently most excited about, career-wise. It's with a translation agency and I have projects to pick from. There is no fixed schedule which can be good or bad: I can work whenever I want... if there is work. No certainty there will be. It's also online meaning I can work from home. It's a translating job, which is what I wanted to do in the first place and therefore is a much better fit than working at a store. And finally it pays the best. Despite working less hours than at the store (I would say I work between 4 and 8 hours a day on translating, depending on whether I'm working my other jobs or not) it's my main source of income at this point, better than the other two jobs combined. It's getting to the point where I could conceivably live from just it if I could get a steady inflow of projects.
Because it's uncertain, I'm waiting until I've worked there for longer (it's only been about a month) to see if the jobs come and go or if there tends to be a good amount. I'm also monitoring how many jobs I'm "missing out" on due to being at the store, which can give me a better feel of how much work I would get if I quit everything else.

My love life with Seamus is still great. We celebrated our first anniversary in September. He's thrilled about my career success and very supportive.

On top of that, I met someone at the store. His name is Chris. He's from Britain and we really get along, and flirt a lot. I like him a lot and I'm thinking of asking him out. There are a few issues with that.

- I don't know where he stands on polyamory

- I don't know if he thinks of me in this way or not

- He's younger than me, by about 10 years. When I realised that I was shocked, but ultimately don't care, but I worry that he would.

- I'm his supervisor. That's a problem for a few reasons. First my job doesn't allow people who are in relationships to be each other's direct supervisor. The Associate's Handbook says that they'll accommodate relationships by reassigning people but that still seems like a lot of drama. Second, and more importantly to me (since quitting the store job wouldn't really bother me), I worry that if I hit on him, he'll feel obligated to respond even if he's not interested, or pressured, or otherwise harassed.

This is probably a silly fear. He was the first to joke around with me and we've been flirting and we spend our breaks together when they overlap. I also regularly visit the store when I know he'll be there and hang out with him if it's quiet or while making a purchase. I don't think he feels like I'm too aggressive. But he may be seeing it as a friendship, and if I actually ask him out, be surprised and feel harassed.
I have to add that I have a bad record of thinking someone likes me, only to have them reject me and run the other way when I actually ask them out, so I'm definitely worry about that. Not only would that suck for me, but I also don't want to traumatise him or something. I've never been with someone younger than me and I kind of feel like it's my responsibility to make sure things go as well as possible for him.

Anyway, that's my summary of the events since last time. Also, Black Friday is coming up and I'm not looking forward to it. Not at all.
 
So, I'm now in a relationship with the guy I mentioned (his name is Chris).

I told him how I felt a week ago, although explained polyamory at that time. He took about a day to process and then was fine with it, but said he wanted to take things slowly. Which we have been. Although we've seen each other almost every day, we've only now reached the stage of kissing (pecks, not making out). Our first few dates we hugged (which was still progress from before).

I'm very happy and he says he is too. Seamus is happy for us and I've done my best not to neglect him. He says he doesn't feel neglected so that's good.

Chris and I are seeing each other today again. We've been talking a lot and getting close, and I'm actually enjoying the "not dip into it hear first" thing. My previous relationships were online so there was a lot of talking, but there was no dating, and the second we met things got physical and/or we started living together right away. This is new to me and I like it.

We are not hiding at work but since he lives with his parents and his afraid of their reaction to the relationship being polyamorous and with an alder woman, we're not going to broadcast it to his family (or on Facebook or other online media they would see it). He says he doesn't want me to feel hidden but he just doesn't want to deal with the drama while living with them, and he'd rather wait a bit.

That's fine with me since after only a week, meeting the parents isn't really compulsory anyways. He doesn't want to hide at work so I don't feel like a dirty secret at all.
 
Since I haven't updated in over a year, I'm past due!

Chris and I broke up (Chris being the guy I was with a year ago), polyamory wasn't for him and we were ultimately too different in other ways as well. We're still friends and a few months ago he met someone and they're in a happy monogamous relationship now.

As for me, I moved from California to Oregon, and I met Dragon, a cool nerdy pansexual guy. We started dating and after a couple months I got closer to his husband, Fox, who is homoflexible/bi. That is, he is sometimes attracted to women, but that's pretty rare. They're both my boyfriends now, and I'm still happily married to Seamus as well.

All in all, this year has been pretty good to me. Seamus, Fox, Dragon and I spent Christmas Eve at Fox's parents' place, with Dragon's parents and brother joining us from Washington. It was refreshing to be surrounded by family and also completely open about being polyamorous. The four of us also went to see Star Wars on the 23rd.

I now have a regular schedule that shifts between my place and my boyfriends', as well as a regular gaming day when Seamus and I visit Dragon and Fox and play board games. I'm still getting to know them and they're still getting to know me, but I'm pretty hyped about everything.

That's pretty much it. I don't always remember to post when everything is going well, but I should, since it may encourage some people to hear something that's not all negative :p
 
Update on my situation :)

I'm still in a relationship with my three guys. Seamus and I moved into the same building my boyfriends live in, next door to them. We share a wall and it takes about one minute to visit each other, which we do daily. It's as close to living together as we could without actually living together, I think.

I still spend a few nights a week next door, and we have game nights every weekends. I just celebrated six months with Fox (so it's been a couple more months with Dragon). We're all pretty happy.
 
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