Pigwidgeon
Member
Hey
I’m very happily married (6 years married, 15 together, monogamously) with two children.
My husband and I have been slowly exploring polyamory (at my initial request) for about two years, in which time we’ve both kissed a couple of people without issue. We’ve both read several books about it and totally get the theory. When I hear him talk about it to others I can hear the progress he’s made in understanding and accepting it.
The trouble is, it’s just not for him. He doesn’t get excited about the prospect of kissing someone else and he doesn’t particularly enjoy it when it happens or fantasise about it afterwards. He says he’s done it for me - and that’s true. I wanted him to see that he could kiss someone he likes and enjoy it without it affecting his love for me, which he did. But he still gets that I get something from kissing someone else that he doesn’t and he really wants to be ok with that.
I recently went for a drink with an old friend and it was agreed that husband would be fine with me kissing him. I didn’t because it just didn’t go that way. But husband told me that while I was there he was hoping we were kissing - because he knew it would make me happy.
This weekend we were with a friend who we have previously discussed. I described a specific fantasy to my husband and he suggested this person would be right for it. We had a jokey game going through a list of mutual friends saying who we might want to have some fun with, this person came up and I said yes, husband said he’d be ok with it.
So when an opportunity came up at the weekend, I asked husband if it would be ok and he said yes again so I went and had some lovely fun with this person. Husband was completely fine with this and hasn’t shown any signs of anger or jealously. We have talked and he’s said those feelings are there and we’ve explored them and I’ve been super nice to him to make sure he feels loved and appreciated.
As far as I’m concerned that means we are all good. This is how it’s meant to go right? Having a sensible conversation about “I feel angry” (while snuggled together in a bubble bath) rather than him shouting or storming out.
But... I can tell he really wants to ask me to give up on the whole poly idea. He says he’s having to manage and change his feelings so why can’t I just stop wanting this - just like someone quitting smoking. I say that I don’t want to make a promise I can’t keep. If I say I’ll go back to mono and fail then that will hurt him way more than if I do something we’ve agreed to.
How can I help him through these feelings? The thing is, I think he’s dealt with them really well, he just hasn’t enjoyed them and would rather choose not to have them again. I want us to get to a point where I can go out with whoever I choose and do whatever I choose with that person (within reason) which might be having lunch or watching a film or having sex (husband definitely not ready for that step yet!). What difference does it make really?!
Thanks for reading!
I’m very happily married (6 years married, 15 together, monogamously) with two children.
My husband and I have been slowly exploring polyamory (at my initial request) for about two years, in which time we’ve both kissed a couple of people without issue. We’ve both read several books about it and totally get the theory. When I hear him talk about it to others I can hear the progress he’s made in understanding and accepting it.
The trouble is, it’s just not for him. He doesn’t get excited about the prospect of kissing someone else and he doesn’t particularly enjoy it when it happens or fantasise about it afterwards. He says he’s done it for me - and that’s true. I wanted him to see that he could kiss someone he likes and enjoy it without it affecting his love for me, which he did. But he still gets that I get something from kissing someone else that he doesn’t and he really wants to be ok with that.
I recently went for a drink with an old friend and it was agreed that husband would be fine with me kissing him. I didn’t because it just didn’t go that way. But husband told me that while I was there he was hoping we were kissing - because he knew it would make me happy.
This weekend we were with a friend who we have previously discussed. I described a specific fantasy to my husband and he suggested this person would be right for it. We had a jokey game going through a list of mutual friends saying who we might want to have some fun with, this person came up and I said yes, husband said he’d be ok with it.
So when an opportunity came up at the weekend, I asked husband if it would be ok and he said yes again so I went and had some lovely fun with this person. Husband was completely fine with this and hasn’t shown any signs of anger or jealously. We have talked and he’s said those feelings are there and we’ve explored them and I’ve been super nice to him to make sure he feels loved and appreciated.
As far as I’m concerned that means we are all good. This is how it’s meant to go right? Having a sensible conversation about “I feel angry” (while snuggled together in a bubble bath) rather than him shouting or storming out.
But... I can tell he really wants to ask me to give up on the whole poly idea. He says he’s having to manage and change his feelings so why can’t I just stop wanting this - just like someone quitting smoking. I say that I don’t want to make a promise I can’t keep. If I say I’ll go back to mono and fail then that will hurt him way more than if I do something we’ve agreed to.
How can I help him through these feelings? The thing is, I think he’s dealt with them really well, he just hasn’t enjoyed them and would rather choose not to have them again. I want us to get to a point where I can go out with whoever I choose and do whatever I choose with that person (within reason) which might be having lunch or watching a film or having sex (husband definitely not ready for that step yet!). What difference does it make really?!
Thanks for reading!
