Starting over again

B

Belladonna

Active member
I have a previous blog that I started in 2016 and looked into it but felt so much has changed since then that I am just no longer in that frame of mind.

So what all has happened since then. Well, still married. A few years ago I started dating a guy. Dated for maybe a year. Maybe longer. Not sure. Because of distance and personal life stuff I needed space. We still talk but haven’t dated in over a year. I don’t know if we will or not again. not in a rush to and he is busy so we are just good friends.

This year we started things up with pip again after a 4 year break. It’s going pretty fast but feels right this time.

So where did I go the last year. I worked on my self. I was alone and working for a good portion of the last two years. Add health problems and the death of my father. I just really worked on myself. It was a hard year but well worth it. I never have felt more at peace with myself.

What do I see coming this year. Just time with madmaxx, pip, and the kids. Not interested in dating outside of our group. If I’m not working then I’m with the kids or madmaxx or pip. I really like it. I enjoying watching madmaxx and pip grow together as they are and look forward to what that can be. The old jealousy issues I have had before seems to be gone. Not to say I don’t feel anything but it’s more now speaking up and asking for what I want if I feel anything.

So why start a blog? Well having taken 2 years (give or take) off and jumping head first back into it I know it’s good to put my thoughts down. Going from so much alone time to scheduling things and dates it’s a huge change. So look forward to writing again. :)
 
Observations over the last week. When it is my monthly I need to lay low and realize my emotions. They are all over the place and not how I normally feel. Well maybe a little but amplified. One of the worst things I can feel is incompetence. Normally I don’t. Even if I can’t do something I am perfectly fine not doing it. But when I am emotionally I feel less than. It’s silly and very untrue but I feel it anyway. So new plan is no plans of much when I am on my period. Lay low and just rest.


Work has been very stressful but I know it’s my job. I can handle it. But add that and being emotional. Just doesn’t work well. But today my period is over and I feel so much better!! This week we have a game night planned and a pretty busy work schedule.


I have been thinking a lot about what is the reason for my sudden shift in my outlook on life. Well it’s been a two year process but still it’s much different than before. I think I have figured it out. It’s time. We don’t know how much of it we have. And I don’t want to waste it. I want to be useful with mine. Even if it is resting that’s ok because rest is useful. But I always want to do things. It’s so easy to put things off and say oh maybe next week. For me next week has turned into years. I don’t want to do that anymore. I’m tired of suppressing my needs.

So I might be a little bit pushy when It comes to making date nights, game nights, or get aways. Ok maybe too pushy but I will work on that. But I still plan on making my wishes known.
 
Belladonna said:
Observations over the last week. When it is my monthly I need to lay low and realize my emotions. They are all over the place and not how I normally feel. Well maybe a little but amplified. One of the worst things I can feel is incompetence. Normally I don’t. Even if I can’t do something I am perfectly fine not doing it. But when I am emotionally I feel less than. It’s silly and very untrue but I feel it anyway. So new plan is no plans of much when I am on my period. Lay low and just rest.
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It’s also a new moon. So enjoy the rest. Give up and give in for a few days. Your intuition is refreshing and you have a kindred spirit in me. I love introspection in light of my cycle and the moon. I love watching the energetic shift and breathing through things that are necessarily and beautifully beyond my control - and I also love sharing this common feminine energy with anyone who is also aware of it.
 
Madmaxx has been so very sick the last week weeks so all fun time has been put off. There is not much he can do about being sick (talked to dr and just have to ride it out) so he rest as much as he can. I really cannot wait until he feels more himself.

As of right now dates and us three getting together is pretty limited. Only two this month and none set up for next month. I voiced my opinion today that I am ok with it being less because of everyone schedules but I would prefer more. I prefer once a week but I don’t think either of them are up for it/have time for it. It’s ok but I’m glad I voiced my opinion. Because of the rules they have both placed on things it will make things limited. Dates out of town, no hosted at each others houses, and so far I am the only one that does solo dates. It makes it hard. I’m also not very patient. So that does not help. But I’m working on it.

Next week we are going out of state to visit madmaxx since he often works out of state. I cannot wait. (He live with me but often works out of state).
 
Hi Belladonna,

I'm glad you've decided to start posting again. Would you mind reminding those of us who don't remember, or are new, about your relationship arrangements? Just a quick rundown. I get there is Pip and Madmaxx, but I am ignorant otherwise.
 
Magdlyn said:
Hi Belladonna,

I'm glad you've decided to start posting again. Would you mind reminding those of us who don't remember, or are new, about your relationship arrangements? Just a quick rundown. I get there is Pip and Madmaxx, but I am ignorant otherwise.
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:)

Relationship arrangements: complicated. 🤣 Just kidding.

We are all involved sexually with each other. I am sexually involved with pip and madmaxx, solo and together at times. They are also sexually involved, but only when we are all together (group sex). They do not care to be involved solo (with each other). That could evolve over time. I would like that, but it's not my relationship or decision. They are not poly. They both like the BDSM and kink aspects, and that is it.

As of right now, no one is seeing anyone outside of our arrangement. We do not use protection, so this is the best way as of right now to stay STD-free. If anyone in the group decides to change, we are to just let each other know ahead of time, and then each person can choose what they want to do.

We have known pip for almost 9 years and have had this arrangement on and off at times. but it is more this time. Before it was only soft sex and no PIV. Now it’s fully everything.
 
Today was interesting. I expressed the fact that I would like to get together more (together and or separately) and both partners replied that we are next weekend. I would prefer way more. But they are ok with once or twice a month. It’s fine. Obviously everyone has their own right to decide what works for them. But sigh I would like a lot more. Once or twice a week would be ideal.
 
Busy day today. Homework, haircuts, and planning.

I am currently working on my master's. I have been putting off this week's project all week and waited till the last day to turn it in. I am usually a week ahead. It’s been stressful. I turned it in this morning and I am not happy with it. But I did it. Not sure what grade I will get, but at least it’s done. (I am a perfectionist and not turning in what I consider A work is really hard.)

I also planned our weekend getaway. I am really looking forward to it.

I think I will be done with the planning for today. Getting everything done has been stressful and I need a break from it.
 
I think getting my thought on my whole life on here might be better than just my poly life. Plus it’s way more interesting. Ha

So I have taken this week off. Sort of. Completely working remotely and kind of taking a step back from work. I have been feeling so burned out lately and honestly dreading working. So I have been thinking maybe I don’t have to do so much and can just do less. Well, today is Thursday and that just isn’t working. I did not go into work today and now I really wish I had. So no, working remotely is not going to work. So then what. I don’t want to keep getting burned out.
 
Game night tonight. So excited. I need it.
Today was a lot of running around. Had to go to one of our locations that is about an hour away to fix a very weird problem. Then employee issues from another location. So I am beyond glad to have some fun tonight.

What do I do for my job?!?!
I am HR, accounting, ordering, and legal. Also working on my masters in business because I need to learn more so I can do my job better.
 
Last night was exactly what I needed. We went over to pip's house and had dinner and played a card game. The card game was a question game, where you ask each other sexual questions to get to know you better. It was made for couples, but we tweaked some of the questions or skipped them and made it work. It was really nice hearing what everyone else had to say.

When we started back up I was almost certain that it was more of a V relationship with madmaxx and pip, but it sure hasn’t been. Pip wants sex with me too, and we talk more. It’s pretty confusing, since she identifies as straight, but I am just going with the flow. I have known her for so long that I have feelings for her already, so it’s very easy for me to have sex with her.

The whole thing is pretty damn perfect.

Oh, also we discovered that my sex drive is much higher than theirs. She prefers sex a couple times a month. He says just when it works out, but has no preference. On the other hand, I prefer once a day. So that helped a ton with not wanting to feel pushy, going forward. Knowing these parameters, I can work with that and not try and set things up too much. Also I know they know I am much more and can be open to that.
 
Today was such a great day. I worked really hard today. Also keep reaffirming that what I do for a living is important. After having some time off I think I am realizing that I need that time off then go back when I am ready. Because burn out is real and you can only work so many days in a row before that happens.

Pip is on vacation out of state for the week. I am going by her house to take care of some things for her. Cant wait till she gets back but so glad she went.

I am really surprised at how our relationship is going the way that it is. In a very good way!! Nothing is feeling forced and it’s all just working really nicely.

This weekend we are all supposed to go out of town. I can’t wait. It will still depend on the weather but hopefully it will work out.

Pip is bringing a bunch of clothes and wants me to dress her. I am so excited. I just love this stuff.
 
So a couple of things that have been on my mind. Not necessarily bad just stuff I have been chewing on.

Madmaxx- so he isn’t really into talking to pip on his own, trying to cultivate anything separate. I realized yesterday that he just wants NSA with other people. He is good with being friendly, going to dinners, being the 3rd wheel but that’s about as far as it goes.

Pip-since we started up again she keeps bringing up finding a guy on her own. I am very supportive of this. But not really sure why she keeps telling me. I just let her know to tell me what I can do to help her. She just says she is going to manifest it. (A bit of background, she doesn’t go on dates and hasn’t dated anyone in maybe 2 years). So I find it kinda odd.

What does any of this mean, I dunno, really nothing for me. Just thoughts I have had in my mind.
 
Well this weekend didn’t work out as planned. But I feel accomplished and that’s always good. Madmaxx works out of state most weekends. Pip and me were supposed to come out and see him and spend the weekend. Well the weather had different plans. The person he takes couldn’t come so I volunteered. Meaning we would have to leave a day early to beat the weather. Also meaning pip didn’t make it out because by then the weather was horrid.

So I ended up working 15 hours yesterday. I am so tired. Very ready to go back home. Madmaxx is very used to working the long hours, me not so much. He has been doing this for 3 years now.

Also now this means we can’t go out of town with pip for 2 weeks.
Pretty bummed about that but everyone is pretty busy.
 
The weekend was so crazy but also so good and also sad. Every emotion. Ended up working about 10 hours on Sunday. Headed home and asleep at 1am. Up at 6 to get the kids to school. So no sleep for me. I have one week left in class then a 2 week break. Really looking forward to it. The last week is so hard. I think at that point I am ready to start the next class and bored with the current one. But I have a 95% in the class. I am working my ass off for this masters.

Tonight is scary movies and pizza with the kiddos. Love these nights. It’s so hard being away at work but when we spend the evenings with them it all feels worth it.

Talked to pip today. I don’t think she is very happy about not coming out this past weekend but it just wasn’t going to work out. The weather was so horrible. I am really not good at this kind of communication. I am much better at clear communication. I speak my mind maybe too much. Reading minds, I can’t do and won’t do.
I told her we can reschedule and gave dates. Didn’t hear back. So not going to ask again until she gives an answer either way.
 
Not much has happened this week other than work. I have a week left in my class then a 2 week break. One step closer. I wonder what I will do once I finish school. Probably nothing. lol but I do love going so very much.

I got a sitter for tonight. Offered a lot of options over the last couple days to both of them and got nothing in response back. So at this time I am giving up. I really do like clear communication but understanding that’s not easy for others is a learning lesson for me. So maybe I will go to a movie tonight. Maybe sleep. I dunno.
 
Went to see dune. It was amazing. So good. Also so glad I did.

I think I need to rethink this whole dynamic. It was so good until it wasn’t. I’m not sure that’s what I want. No one has done anything wrong. Just the communication style is not working for me.
 
This weekend was so nice. Took the kids to San Francisco zoo and stayed the night in the city. So needed. This weekend one of the kiddos has a sleep over. Should be a busy and also fun weekend.

One of the nights we (mad and pip and I) were supposed to go overnight but pip can’t. So we have to reschedule. It’s fine but I must say not being able to get together is not been easy for me. I know I am the only one that is poly so I really asked for this. But still. More effort would be nice.
 
Also changing madmaxx name to just mad. I really dislike this name. Considering he isn’t a mad person and I don’t really like the movie. lol. So just going with mad (I love the name madison, so I figure mad works)
 
It’s raining today. Blah. Very tired of this rain. I am looking forward to the sun. Maybe not heat but sun would be nice.

I feel sleep last night on mads. It was soooo nice. I wish I could fall asleep like that every night. I feel like I’m my 40s I want to soak up all of the love that I can.

Class ended yesterday. Don’t know what grade I have but as of last week I had an A. So if I get good grades I will end up at an A. If not it’s already enough points for a B.
2 week break. So needed.
 
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