Starting over

[Valynn]

I am in the beginning of a new relationship. So new that we only have had one date. We know each other from the local SCA group we are a part of. He saw my profile on Bumble and PM'd me via FB. He took me to his company holiday party that he didn't want to go "stag" to (his words). It was a hotel party, and I had a blast.

I have never had a date where we just clicked. It felt so comfortable & relaxing being with him. I wasn't nervous at all. I felt like there was no pressure to impress him cause we are already friends.

But now comes the interesting part. How to explain to him that I am poly but still want to have a relationship with him. How do I explain to him that I have another male SCA play partner that I play with occasionally? I want to start this new year fresh. But not scare him off with anything too heavy. Help....

 

[kdt26417]

Hi Valynn,

I'm afraid there is no safe way to tell this man about your polyness. I think the simplest is the safest, e.g., "I need to let you know that I am nonmonogamous." You can then give details if he asks questions.

Hopefully he will keep an open mind, even if he decides that poly is not for him. You could at least continue to be friends, even if you don't continue to date. If he decides he still wants to date, I'd consider that a bonus.

Regards,
Kevin T.

 

[Valynn]

Hi Valynn,

I'm afraid there is no safe way to tell this man about your polyness. I think the simplest is the safest, e.g., "I need to let you know that I am nonmonogamous." You can then give details if he asks questions.

Hopefully he will keep an open mind, even if he decides that poly is not for him. You could at least continue to be friends, even if you don't continue to date. If he decides he still wants to date, I'd consider that a bonus.

Regards,
Kevin T.

That is what I hope for. This is the first possible relationship in a long time. I don't want to mess it up.

 

[Ravenscroft]

"I'm at a point in my life where I don't want to tie myself down to someone 'forever & ever.' I've already tried that, & right now I want to remember what it's like to be a free individual."

If that's a deal breaker, then there's no earthly reason to go into detail about nonmonogamy let alone polyamory. If it doesn't cause a significant problem, then polyamory could be a valid discussion topic.

 

[Valynn]

"I'm at a point in my life where I don't want to tie myself down to someone 'forever & ever.' I've already tried that, & right now I want to remember what it's like to be a free individual."

If that's a deal breaker, then there's no earthly reason to go into detail about nonmonogamy let alone polyamory. If it doesn't cause a significant problem, then polyamory could be a valid discussion topic.

I agree with your statement 100%!

Also my only son just went off into basic training for the Navy on Dec 11th. So I am an emotional, divorced empty nester as well. But I miss the close companionship of dating. Of going out & being social. Knowing someone wants to be with me and to get to know me outside of our shared hobby.

 

[sexyserb]

Valyn.

Wouldn't it be a bit too early for your new guy to expect exclusivity after one Christmas party??? You are a divorced adult woman who is dating. not sure that in itself classifies you as poly. Why title yourself.

if you continue to "date' the party guy, eventually there may be some talk of "exclusive' at which point you will have a decision to make. But i'd wait until that point is reached before announcing you are 'poly".

I just think you are 'jumping the gun" here simply because you have more than one partner, one of whom you have been out with once unless i missed something.

 

[Valynn]

Valynn.

Wouldn't it be a bit too early for your new guy to expect exclusivity after one Christmas party??? You are a divorced adult woman who is dating. not sure that in itself classifies you as poly. Why title yourself.

Cause I have had poly relationships before this one. I had a bad break up 3 years ago & I am just getting back into dating.

If you continue to "date' the party guy, eventually there may be some talk of "exclusive' at which point you will have a decision to make. But I'd wait until that point is reached before announcing you are 'poly".

I'd rather have everything out in the open in the beginning than have it come up after a while and have him thinking I was hiding this from him.

I just think you are 'jumping the gun" here simply because you have more than one partner, one of whom you have been out with once unless I missed something.

I was asking for advice of how to broach the subject at a later time. Not that I was going to drop the bomb on him during our next date.

 

[sexyserb]

Cause I have had poly relationships before this one. I had a bad break up 3 years ago & I am just getting back into dating.



I'd rather have everything out in the open in the beginning than have it come up after a while and have him thinking I was hiding this from him.



I was asking for advice of how to broach the subject at a later time. Not that I was going to drop the bomb on him during our next date.

Well, if you think its going to be dropping a bomb on him , you should do it right away. Isn’t letting him possibly developing strong feelings for you BEFORE telling him you have no intentions of being mono with him a little bit manipulative. ???

If you are corrrect and he is mono, my guess is he will have one of two reactions
(1) he will say no thanks
(2) he will say OK since its highly unlikely a man is thinking long term relationship after one date. A mono man, which you are correct in assuming if you are playing the odds, may also be happy to have a physical relationship with you. The problem may occur if he falls for you and forgets he knew it from the beginning.

If you are committed to NOT being mono with anyone, which if fine, he should know the truth from the beginning. So drop the “bomb” as you called it.

 

[Valynn]

Well, if you think its going to be dropping a bomb on him , you should do it right away. Isn’t letting him possibly developing strong feelings for you BEFORE telling him you have no intentions of being mono with him a little bit manipulative. ???

I'd rather have everything out in the open in the beginning than have it come up after a while and have him thinking I was hiding this from him.

Manipulative!? How so if I am being forthcoming in the beginning of our relationship? So he can make an informed decision about everything. Plus, Greg and I have been friends for many years through the same medieval group. When he asked me out, he jokingly asked me "If you saw someone from the SCA on a dating app. Would you swipe left or right?"
I answered "Right, cause I would like to know the person outside of the SCA. We all adopt a different personality in our medieval personas."

If you are correct and he is mono, my guess is he will have one of two reactions
(1) he will say no thanks
(2) he will say OK since its highly unlikely a man is thinking long term relationship after one date. A mono man, which you are correct in assuming if you are playing the odds, may also be happy to have a physical relationship with you. The problem may occur if he falls for you and forgets he knew it from the beginning.

1) We would return to the friendship level we enjoyed before without any hurt feelings.

2) I don't expect any commitment from him at this point. And during the down time before the party, we did discuss FWB or one night stands. And I told him I would have to feel a connection with anyone to have sex with them. So a one night stand would not happen. FWB wasn't totally off the table, but I was looking for something long term in the future. And he agreed with me.

If you are committed to NOT being mono with anyone, which if fine, he should know the truth from the beginning. So drop the “bomb” as you called it.

The bomb comment is a generalization of how it could feel for a mono person. At this point I feel on the second date it would be too soon for such a touchy subject to be talked about.

 

[vinsanity0]

Her point was that waiting could seem manipulative.

BTW, saying you are not up for a long term relationship is not the same as saying you are poly.

I think the conventional wisdom is to let someone know asap. How serious you want to get is a different conversation.

 

[Valynn]

A little backstory/update

When I came here in Jan 2016. I was asking for advice about what I thought was a triad relationship of 4 yrs I was having with my 2 male friends (of 20+ years) that was failing. I came to realize that my relationship was not what I thought & it was not good for me. We have since all moved on & remain friends.

I also realized at the same time that my relationship before the one above was a cheating/FWB situation.

But because I was manipulated & hurt by these to men I do not want to have anyone to have the same experience with me. I refuse to have any miscommunication happen.

I have baggage. Greg knows this. He even knows my ex-husband & 2 the most recent ex-lovers (all of them are in the medieval group). That subject has not come up when we talk on the phone.

 

[Valynn]

Her point was that waiting could seem manipulative.

I don't plan on waiting too long.

BTW, saying you are not up for a long term relationship is not the same as saying you are poly.

I want to have something long term. I am not thinking about wedding bells or anything like that.

I think the conventional wisdom is to let someone know asap. How serious you want to get is a different conversation.

I will be telling him soon. Just when is my question? A second date seems like I am making assumptions. I rather have a few more dates to make sure we want this to continue.

 

[vinsanity0]

I generally play it by ear. If I am going on a second date then clearly I am looking for something to happen. I definitely wouldn't let it get past a third date. There is no point in wasting your time with someone who isn't into non-monogamy.

 

[Valynn]

I generally play it by ear. If I am going on a second date then clearly I am looking for something to happen. I definitely wouldn't let it get past a third date. There is no point in wasting your time with someone who isn't into non-monogamy.

I do too most times.

At this point, due to the holidays, we have not had a second date. We have had a couple of nice, long phone conversations. But I would like to have any type of conversation like this to be face-to-face.

 

[Valynn]

Woo Hoo!<3

Almost a month of talking on the phone with Greg. He has invited me for a weekend at his place! I am so elated! When this will happen we are not sure. He works alot of overtime & I am going away for my son's graduation from basic training at the end of the month.

Now, since this will be an entire weekend. When should I broach the subject of non-monogamy? He's such an easy going person. I hope that he is ok with this.

 

[Leetah]

I would not be surprised if an SCA person has heard about ethical non-monogamy, unless your branch is in a very conservative area. I would think you ought to tell him well before sex enters the picture.

Leetah

 

[Valynn]

I would not be surprised if an SCA person has heard about ethical non-monogamy, unless your branch is in a very conservative area.

Leetah

I would not be surprised either. But wanting to enter such a relationship is another thing altogether.

I would think you ought to tell him well before sex enters the picture.

We did fool around a bit. But no sex of yet. Hopefully that will happen over the weekend date.

 

[icesong]

I would not be surprised if an SCA person has heard about ethical non-monogamy, unless your branch is in a very conservative area.

I'd be more surprised if they hadn't.

 

[Valynn]

I'd be more surprised if they hadn't.

We do have some mutual SCA friends who are openly poly. But that doesn't mean that Greg personally wants to be non-monogamous with me. I am hoping he is open to it.

 

[Refusnik]

Well, if you think its going to be dropping a bomb on him , you should do it right away. Isn’t letting him possibly developing strong feelings for you BEFORE telling him you have no intentions of being mono with him a little bit manipulative. ???

The only way it would be manipulative would be if she knew he's a mono guy looking for something exclusive yet she continued to pursue the relationship all the while not intending to be monogamous with him and continuing to leave him in the dark about her own non-monogamy.

But, she doesn't know that. You could make an argument that it's an ethical gray area but I'm not sure that would hold water because I know a lot of people that shy away from talking about anything long term on the first date or two.

As a rule, I tell people as soon as I possibly can (if it's a dating situation, it's usually in the first 20 minutes) because I see it as a filter. Regardless of how much I might like a particular person, if they're not ok with me being non-monogamous, there's no point in pursuing a relationship with them because it's not something that I'm willing to reconsider.

In this case, if I were in the OP's shoes, I'd have the conversation about what each person is looking for early in the visit, definitely before I had any sexy times with them. This way, if it's something he's not ok with, he'll have an opportunity to bug out gracefully before things get more serious.