AustralianinDenmark
New member
Hello everyone,
I am so glad that I found this site with this amazing support group here. I am sensing a lot of love, respect and support here and I want to be part of this.
I have been in only monogamous relationships so far (and now in an extremely loving and respectful marriage and a total relationship time of more than 10 years). In general, I think we have a great relationship but we obviously also have some challenges. And they are mainly around sex (after having around 6 years of an amazing sex-life (very regular, intense, satisfying and to some extent experimental). My wife can't have penetrative sex anymore (due to trauma and related issues) and even though I miss this part of our sex-life, I am trying to give her as much space as I can and don't ask for it at all. The reason for her not being able to have penetrative sex is mental trauma and has no direct physical reasons, so we hope it will get better at some stage). However, I know she knows that I would like to have penetrative sex with her and I think that is putting some kind of pressure onto her. And pressure is never good, especially not if it is around sex.
We are having still a very physical relationship with a lot of kissing, cuddling, sleeping naked together, holding hands, etc. We are also still having 'sexy times' where we pleasure eachother but this has also become a bit 'stale' over the last few years. I think we lost sort of our sensuality together and I have now realised that our sex-life is now more 'goal driven' in terms of that we are just trying to get each other off (which is stressful for her as it currently takes her a long time to have an orgasm) and not satisfying for me (as it usually doesn't take much for me to have an orgasm very quickly).
I have known from the beginning, that my wife is bi-sexual and we have been talking about her having sex with women a few times, but never in too much detail. It has always been clear to me, that I want to be supportive in any way and would be ok with her having sex with a woman if the right situation came up at some stage.
And we are in this situation now. We are currently in the process of moving overseas with me already being at our new place, while she is still at our old place. 3-4 weeks ago (while me already being overseas) she told me that she started developing more feelings to one of our best female friends and that there are many positive vibes between them that they would have 'hooked-up' (my apologies for this expression, I never liked it but I don't have a better one ready for now) if it wasn't for me. I always sensed that they are very close, closer than in a regular friendship and I always thought they might develop some sexual attraction to each other. So this all did not come as a surprise. Not for me but surprisingly to my wife.
I re-assured her that I am not surprised and, after a few moments of thinking, supported them in exploring their relationship as much as they both feel comfortable with. I love them both a lot (obviously in very different ways) and also trust both of them 100%. So overall, my wife exploring her bisexuality could not have come in a more perfect way.
So they had sex together multiple times, and it seems it has been very satisfying and exciting for both of them (and to some extent it also turs me on myself, not just that I would be interested in joining them in a threesome (I don't think that would be an option for my wife) but also just imagining them together and especially knowing what a great time my wife has. And I am also very happy for both of them.
Some might say, that it is unfair that my wife is now starting an additional relationship now as I am overseas and this might be seen as disrespecful. But I have to say that my wife is in general one of the most respectful and caring persons I know. Additionally, I believe you can't really choose when you fall for someone. And finally I also think that my being away somehow opened up the opportunity for them to get even closer than they were before which probably pushed them over the threshold to have all those feelings and sexual tension. So please don't judge her on that. I am totally fine with it.
Ok, this sounds all like a lovely story and everything is going great. But I am describing a real-life story and real life is never that easy.
This all obviously comes with challenges and they are mainly on my side:
- I feel like I am missing out on 'action'. I really tried my best for ~4 years to give my wife as much space as possible and not to pressure her into neither any sexual activities nor penetrative sex. And I think I have done a good job with this, even though she obviously knows that I miss it. And now my wife has a great time sexually while I am completely cut off any physical contact with anyone. I know life is life and life is not fair, but to some extent, I feel betrayed by life. Especially since sex is usually extremely important to me and I would love to have sex every day. And now they are sometimes having sex twice a day.
- As much as I love what my wife and our friend are currently experiencing, it also drives me crazy. I am really happy for them and I don't want them to stop. But since I am not able to see my wife every day, I am not able to see first-hand that she still loves me (rationally I am not questioning it at all) I am left with my imagination. And imagination always stresses me (waiting for an exam, interview or in general a stressful situation has always been 1000x worse for me than actually having the exam, interview, etc.). So not being able to really 'experiencing' their relationship together and only imagining things (in terms of: are they together now, are they having sex now, what are they doing now...) drives me crazy. Once I am talking with my wife about it I am fine and she is great at calming me down and giving me safety.
- My wife is open to me meeting and having sex with other women (I have only a tiny interest in men, not enough that I would play with one alone). And here another problem for me comes into play: I am not a confident person, I am introverted and very shy with new people. Overall I really believe to be a good person and very loveable (obviously not for everyone) but it takes me a very long time to be comfortable with new people and I am simply horrible at making new connections (at work I have great relationships straight away, but that's because there is immediately a common ground which is our job). Consequently, I really have no idea and/or confidence on how I would meet new people. I think I would not want to have a second relationship, more like a FWB situation and that's potentially even tougher for me to find. You might say, just go to a dating website/app. But I also don't really know how to navigate around those and I am stressed about the thought that no-one might be interested in me. This would not just be frustrating in terms of not getting 'my part of our deal' (having sex with other people) but it would also additionally real undermine my self-confidence even further.
Well, this has been a very long story. My apologies, I did not expect it would be that long.
My wife is about to arrive in 2.5 weeks and I really can't wait for her to arrive. We talked about how we lost our sensuality on during the last few years and we discussed a few ideas on how to get it back (trying to really focus on a wholesome bodily experience, giving each other massages that can but don't have to turn into sex and in general focussing on giving each other great physical but not necessarily sexual experience). We also started talking much more openly about other interests without having done that too much as it is not easy with us being on two different continents.
Ok, I guess this is the end. I don't really know what my aim is with me telling you this. But I think writing can be healing and maybe that's what I am trying to achieve. My apologies for maybe some confusing expressions/typos. English is not my first language.
Thanks for reading.
I am so glad that I found this site with this amazing support group here. I am sensing a lot of love, respect and support here and I want to be part of this.
I have been in only monogamous relationships so far (and now in an extremely loving and respectful marriage and a total relationship time of more than 10 years). In general, I think we have a great relationship but we obviously also have some challenges. And they are mainly around sex (after having around 6 years of an amazing sex-life (very regular, intense, satisfying and to some extent experimental). My wife can't have penetrative sex anymore (due to trauma and related issues) and even though I miss this part of our sex-life, I am trying to give her as much space as I can and don't ask for it at all. The reason for her not being able to have penetrative sex is mental trauma and has no direct physical reasons, so we hope it will get better at some stage). However, I know she knows that I would like to have penetrative sex with her and I think that is putting some kind of pressure onto her. And pressure is never good, especially not if it is around sex.
We are having still a very physical relationship with a lot of kissing, cuddling, sleeping naked together, holding hands, etc. We are also still having 'sexy times' where we pleasure eachother but this has also become a bit 'stale' over the last few years. I think we lost sort of our sensuality together and I have now realised that our sex-life is now more 'goal driven' in terms of that we are just trying to get each other off (which is stressful for her as it currently takes her a long time to have an orgasm) and not satisfying for me (as it usually doesn't take much for me to have an orgasm very quickly).
I have known from the beginning, that my wife is bi-sexual and we have been talking about her having sex with women a few times, but never in too much detail. It has always been clear to me, that I want to be supportive in any way and would be ok with her having sex with a woman if the right situation came up at some stage.
And we are in this situation now. We are currently in the process of moving overseas with me already being at our new place, while she is still at our old place. 3-4 weeks ago (while me already being overseas) she told me that she started developing more feelings to one of our best female friends and that there are many positive vibes between them that they would have 'hooked-up' (my apologies for this expression, I never liked it but I don't have a better one ready for now) if it wasn't for me. I always sensed that they are very close, closer than in a regular friendship and I always thought they might develop some sexual attraction to each other. So this all did not come as a surprise. Not for me but surprisingly to my wife.
I re-assured her that I am not surprised and, after a few moments of thinking, supported them in exploring their relationship as much as they both feel comfortable with. I love them both a lot (obviously in very different ways) and also trust both of them 100%. So overall, my wife exploring her bisexuality could not have come in a more perfect way.
So they had sex together multiple times, and it seems it has been very satisfying and exciting for both of them (and to some extent it also turs me on myself, not just that I would be interested in joining them in a threesome (I don't think that would be an option for my wife) but also just imagining them together and especially knowing what a great time my wife has. And I am also very happy for both of them.
Some might say, that it is unfair that my wife is now starting an additional relationship now as I am overseas and this might be seen as disrespecful. But I have to say that my wife is in general one of the most respectful and caring persons I know. Additionally, I believe you can't really choose when you fall for someone. And finally I also think that my being away somehow opened up the opportunity for them to get even closer than they were before which probably pushed them over the threshold to have all those feelings and sexual tension. So please don't judge her on that. I am totally fine with it.
Ok, this sounds all like a lovely story and everything is going great. But I am describing a real-life story and real life is never that easy.
This all obviously comes with challenges and they are mainly on my side:
- I feel like I am missing out on 'action'. I really tried my best for ~4 years to give my wife as much space as possible and not to pressure her into neither any sexual activities nor penetrative sex. And I think I have done a good job with this, even though she obviously knows that I miss it. And now my wife has a great time sexually while I am completely cut off any physical contact with anyone. I know life is life and life is not fair, but to some extent, I feel betrayed by life. Especially since sex is usually extremely important to me and I would love to have sex every day. And now they are sometimes having sex twice a day.
- As much as I love what my wife and our friend are currently experiencing, it also drives me crazy. I am really happy for them and I don't want them to stop. But since I am not able to see my wife every day, I am not able to see first-hand that she still loves me (rationally I am not questioning it at all) I am left with my imagination. And imagination always stresses me (waiting for an exam, interview or in general a stressful situation has always been 1000x worse for me than actually having the exam, interview, etc.). So not being able to really 'experiencing' their relationship together and only imagining things (in terms of: are they together now, are they having sex now, what are they doing now...) drives me crazy. Once I am talking with my wife about it I am fine and she is great at calming me down and giving me safety.
- My wife is open to me meeting and having sex with other women (I have only a tiny interest in men, not enough that I would play with one alone). And here another problem for me comes into play: I am not a confident person, I am introverted and very shy with new people. Overall I really believe to be a good person and very loveable (obviously not for everyone) but it takes me a very long time to be comfortable with new people and I am simply horrible at making new connections (at work I have great relationships straight away, but that's because there is immediately a common ground which is our job). Consequently, I really have no idea and/or confidence on how I would meet new people. I think I would not want to have a second relationship, more like a FWB situation and that's potentially even tougher for me to find. You might say, just go to a dating website/app. But I also don't really know how to navigate around those and I am stressed about the thought that no-one might be interested in me. This would not just be frustrating in terms of not getting 'my part of our deal' (having sex with other people) but it would also additionally real undermine my self-confidence even further.
Well, this has been a very long story. My apologies, I did not expect it would be that long.
My wife is about to arrive in 2.5 weeks and I really can't wait for her to arrive. We talked about how we lost our sensuality on during the last few years and we discussed a few ideas on how to get it back (trying to really focus on a wholesome bodily experience, giving each other massages that can but don't have to turn into sex and in general focussing on giving each other great physical but not necessarily sexual experience). We also started talking much more openly about other interests without having done that too much as it is not easy with us being on two different continents.
Ok, I guess this is the end. I don't really know what my aim is with me telling you this. But I think writing can be healing and maybe that's what I am trying to achieve. My apologies for maybe some confusing expressions/typos. English is not my first language.
Thanks for reading.
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