Stepping out! :D

[Linaeve]

A little intro: Hubby and I are in an open marriage, but really believe we might do well in a poly family. He has a FWB that is starting to prove a little more than 'just friends,' and I am all for bringing her in. I don't know her well face-to-face, but we've talked online and over texts a bit. She's a very sweet girl, a little younger than me and my husband. Anyhow, she's still thinks it's strange that I'm happy with my husband being with her, so we don't talk much yet. End of intro!

My husband and I sat down and talked quite a bit about polyamory. I also showed him a few poly sites to get a better understanding of what it was.

A bit surprisingly, he didn't have any trepidation. He did say he might feel jealous if I fell for someone else, but is willing to work at it because (in his own words) "It really wouldn't be fair if I said 'only women.'" We had this discussion before with the open part of our relationship. Then he was okay with the physical. The emotional connection is what he is concerned about. It's something he's willing to discuss and try to overcome, if jealousy occurs.

Hubby did ask a pretty good question, though. We might steer more toward a poly-fidelitous triad/quad in the beginning. He asked 'Well, if we bring another girl into our family, how will we deal with her wanting a child? Or if we bring in another guy and he wants a child with you?' Obviously, that's a pretty down-the-line kind of question, but it did bother him and was pretty legit. Anyone have experience with this?

We have decided to talk more about this, meet our local poly community, read the do's/don'ts until we fully understand, and THEN see where the road takes us. I hope that doesn't sound stupid; we just don't want to rush into something and damage what we already have, or hurt those we will eventually care about.

I appreciate your input and support while we tread this new path!

 

[AnnabelMore]

Hey there! Its good you guys are thinking of the future now. I would suggest striving to stay as flexible as possible, as what you find/feel as you go along may well surprise you. More talking is more better, so kudos there! Hopefully the gf will come around to opening up to you.

One question immediately springs to mind when you mention a poly-fi triad/quad. Does that mean his new gf is to have no other partners? If so, that seems a little unbalanced, as he has her and a wife.

Some other thoughts... What would "bringing her in" to your family mean? What if she wants to be in a relationship with him, but not "join" you guys, whether that means adhering to the relationship structure you have in mind, moving in, or otherwise becoming more integrated into your lives. Would that be ok?

 

[risingscarlet]

'If we bring another girl into our family, how will we deal with her wanting a child? Or if we bring in another guy and he wants a child with you?'

This subject was discussed some in my former quad, but we never got to the point where it was truly an option on the table. I think, before bringing a child into the world, every adult in the family should be comfortable with and committed to the idea.

The question I have is: what specifically about the idea of new babies in the family bothers him? Is it that he doesn't want more children? Or is it that he only wants children if you and he are the biological parents of the child? Or something else?

If you and he don't want to have children outside your marriage, you should make sure partners know that as soon as the relationship moves in a direction that might suggest such a future event. Just like any other limits and boundaries you may have, you should consider that your partners may choose to not accept that condition on the relationship and instead choose to end the relationship.

Good luck to you and your husband as you delve into your poly relationship, and Blessed Be.

 

[IndieSolo]

Um... "bring in"?

 

[riftara]

There is a lot of emotion tied up in children being conceived and raised. I suggest you talk about it A LOT. You still won't be ready for it when it happens, if you say it can happen. And then, what if it does happen even if you don't want it to happen?

You can't plan everything. You can lay out your boundaries and what you will accept and not accept. But don't try to force anything. You can't make a relationship what you want it to be; it just becomes what it will.

 

[redpepper]

Some of the language you use in your post concerns me. "Bringing in" is often used by people new to poly, just as "triad" is. I don't have any other way of relating what that looks like other than saying that you are not purchasing a puppy. No one is "brought in" to a relationship. It morphs into something entirely new. It is impossible to MAKE someone love you as much as someone else. Sometimes it's best to be happy they are even willing to talk to you. Or to accept it if they aren't.

It seems to me that you have a long way to go in understanding the difference between having an "open relationship," where partners go and have sex with others, and actually having life partners. There is a ton for the two of you to read about that would help. Try doing a search for "triad" here, to start. There are a lot of others that have come through this forum that have started out the same way you have. Perhaps you would be willing to even share how it all transforms for you. I suspect it will transform for you, as it has many others, and it would be great to hear how that goes.

Good luck.

 

[OpenandCountry]

One of the biggest mistakes I made with my boyfriend in the beginning was trying to keep his relationship with me within strict parameters. He was supposed to be my "fuck buddy," but we just clicked so well that trying to restrict our feelings was futile.

Keeping within the same spirit, trying to make a relationship more than what it is can be off-putting, as well. Every relationship is different. You just have to let it grow to see where it will lead, and make sure there is respect/consent/understanding among all those involved.

You and your husband seem like a very understanding, loving couple. Good luck.

 

[Linaeve]

One question immediately springs to mind when you mention a poly-fi triad/quad. Does that mean his new gf is to have no other partners? If so, that seems a little unbalanced, as your husband has her AND a wife.

Ah, I'm sorry! I should have been more specific!

We would not mind if she had other partners. Just at the moment, she is interested in my husband and he in her. What we feel would be good (only because we haven't had a chance to include her thoughts, so these are negotiable) is getting used to the poly lifestyle first with just her, ensuring we all have voiced our thoughts and opinions on the relationships forming, and gotten some ground rules down. She still lives with her parents (she's in college, so it's easier on her financially), so we figure her first request would be to move in (down the line, of course). Thus, we are trying to come up with possible scenarios and how we would handle them.

I don't know if I made that more confusing or not. lol

What would "bringing her in" to your family mean? What if she wants to be in a relationship with him, but not "join" you guys, whether that means adhering to the relationship structure you have in mind, moving in, or otherwise becoming more integrated into your lives? Would that be ok?

That would be perfectly fine! She's her own person. Also, I have a young daughter, so I would completely understand not wanting to move in. Young children usually get annoying, when it comes to other people's.

I'm perfectly fine with her never joining us in bed. That's not a requirement.

With the relationship structure, it would be so much easier if she were willing to talk to me. I'd love to get her ideas, but she is still extremely weirded out that I allow her to see my husband. So I guess... all in good time. I wouldn't be upset if nothing came of the relationship either, and they just stayed FWBs.

What specifically about the idea of new babies in the family bothers him? Is it that he doesn't want more children? Or is it that he only wants children if you and he are the biological parents of the child? Or something else?

He wasn't bothered by the question. We were hashing out scenarios and how we felt about them. When we talked about it, he was more worried I would become jealous or saddened at the thought of him starting a family with another woman. And he expressed that he would become a bit jealous if I wanted a child with another man, but would do his best to understand the situation, should it come about.

My husband definitely wants more children! He was married once before, and was forced to give up paternity rights to their daughter, due to a rather crazy wife, who married him just to have a child in wedlock, then divorced him immediately afterwards. She has equally crazy parents who would have crucified her if she'd had a child out of wedlock. It's something he doesn't want to experience again, and causes him a lot of grief, so that is part of the concern, as well.

I suggest you talk about it A LOT. You still wont be ready for it when it happens, if you say it can happen. Then, what if it does happen, even if you don't want it to happen?

This was part of the reason why we started the 'what if' scenarios! There is so much that could happen on accident, and it be nobody's fault. Condoms break, birth control is forgotten (conveniently or otherwise), etc. We were trying to hash out how we would deal with it if/when the subject comes up or if/when the situation occurs. We didn't want to knee-jerk react and cause emotional turmoil!

Some of the language you use in your post concerns me. "Bringing in" is often used by people new to poly just as "triad" is. I don't have any other way of relating what that looks like, other than saying that you are not purchasing a puppy. No one is "brought in" to a relationship. It morphs into something entirely new. It is impossible to MAKE someone love you as much as someone else. Sometimes it's best to be happy they are even willing to talk to you.

I understand. I know it's definitely not like bringing in a puppy. I really shouldn't have put it like that. lol. I meant it as everyone being accepted by everyone else.

I only wrote "triad" because, well, at first (if she agrees) it will become a V triad, where my husband is the 'link'. I may be using the wrong terms, and for that I apologize. I was trying not to look ignorant, and succeeded in doing so! XD

To be honest, I'm not even sure she'll be for furthering the relationship with my husband as long as I am in the picture. She has a hard time believing I'm alright with them, though she shows (frequently) that she wants to deepen the relationship. All I'm doing is speculating, running through potential issues/situations, and ensuring we all (the three of us) do well by each other. That's why I joined this forum. There are certainly things I probably wouldn't think about that you guys may already have seen or gone through.

I am slowly but surely making my way through the forums! I've learned quite a bit so far, and I thank you for your concern!

Keeping within the same spirit, trying to make a relationship more than what it is can be off-putting, as well. Every relationship is different. You just have to let it grow to see where it will lead, and make sure there is respect/consent/understanding among all those involved.

That's ultimately my goal. The only things I'll be asking for in all of our relationships (down the line, including those we have not met yet!) is honesty, communication, consent, and respect. My husband and I follow those rules now, and they work marvelously.

Thank you all for your input. I apologize for my late response. We are trying to get ready for a nice New Year's party, and it's hard making an adult holiday a kid-friendly one without making the adults feel left out. XD

I'll call my husband's FWB KC. She is tentatively saying she will come, so I'm trying to be as normal as possible without feeling nervous! I'm nervous about being overly giddy and scaring her away.

 

[AnnabelMore]

It sounds like you're looking at everything in a very healthy way. I wonder if it would be helpful for her to come here, to see that there are many other married people who happily support their spouses's relationship(s) with others?

 

[AnotherConfused]

I just have this concern in the back of my mind that if she has a hard time understanding why you are comfortable with her husband loving two women, it may be that she herself is uncomfortable with it. Could she be holding out hope that if he really loves her, he'll someday "choose" her, and that makes her feel more like your rival than your friend?

That said, I hope your New Year's Eve party is a blast.

 

[risingscarlet]

Thanks for the clarifications. I agree with AnnabelMore that it sounds like you're doing a good job at discussing everything between you and your husband and approaching the growing relationship(s) well. I suggest that some of these topics be broached with KC, as well, e.g., discussing what to do if she wants to move in with you in the future, because she's currently living with her parents. This may be a moot point if that's not something she's actually interested in.

As far as her finding it strange that you're accepting of the relationship your husband has with her, it's okay to give her time to get used to that idea. If she's coming from a background with no poly experience, she will need time to adjust her thoughts. Perhaps sharing some books or websites with her would help. My husband shared Opening Up with his new partner recently. She really enjoyed it and said it helped her understand the new kind of relationship we were sharing with her.

Good luck to you and yours.