STI Issues...

[Crowmaiden]

Hey all,
I posted once before about a long distance partner I was seeing and some issues we were having with being, well demoted. We eventually worked that all out and things have been great for a number of months.

Spent a weekend with him 3 weeks ago - lets call him "J". Almost exactly week after that, I essentially had a classic first-time exposure breakout - severe leg, back, spine and hip pain, fever, and a day after that - blistering. Tests revealed it was HSV type 1 in the genital region.

I test regularly and I make sure I am tested for HSV - (not all doctors make that a part of their screen.) 5 months ago I was clear. I have spoken to everyone I have been with in the last *year* and they all say they have been tested and everything was negative. I don't make out indiscriminately and I DO have conversations with all my partners about their health status. My primary - we just broke up for other reason but remain close friends (still live together actually) just got his test results back and tested clear.

The only people I have been intimate with in the last 7 months is my ex-primary once - back in October - and "J", who I see more regularly.

J of course, tested HSV-1 positive after I told him.

J is of course, freaking out as much as I am and is trying to figure out what happened. He was in a monogamous marriage for 10 years, and then after the divorce has been seeing me and 2 other girls. He's trying to pull all his tests over the past few years to see if they tested him for HSV. I'm not sure what the other girls are doing.

And I'm not even sure if this is a Poly question or appropriate for this forum. Where things are now, at the last conversation is he "has a lot to figure out" and isn't sure he wants to continue a sexual relationship with me. The other 2 girls he's seeing, while they don't believe in Veto powers, have asked him if he's going to continue to see me and his answer to them (well, what he told me anyway) was that he didn't know, and to me, that it was a fair question for them to ask.

I don't even know what to feel about this besides anger. I know blood tests can be inaccurate based on the time of infection, I know *maybe* my other partners were not tested for HSV (as I said before not all doctors add that to the screen unless someone is having an outbreak, because HSV is so common) but, my ex primary partner is clear, I was clear 6 mo. ago (and 6 mo. before that), I haven't been with anyone except those 2 in over 6 months (and the last guy my ex and I were with did not perform oral on me), and everyone I have bee intimate with in the last year (it's a small list) spoke to said they have recently tested clean - So, I am well over 95% sure he gave me this. And I am being treated a bit like a pariah.

I know everyone is reeling from this, but I am beyond hurt at the lack of support I am receiving - he hasn't even said he was sorry, I am hurt why he would even tell me he has hesitations about continuing a sexual relationship (although he has said he doesn't know why he has those feelings and needs to figure that out) and why the 2 other girls would ask if he was going to continue a relationship with me...He has it. He was like as not the carrier. And I feel like I'm being treated like the villain here, and the only reason his two other lovers would ask that is they are suspecting I gave it to him and are now wondering if he's going to continue seeing someone who infected him and fucked everyone's good time up.

What I needed to hear was - "I'm sorry, this sucks, we will figure this out." What I wanted to hear was - "You mean a lot to me this doesn't change anything because we are in the same boat, if you will still have me."

What I got, in essence was "I have a lot to figure out and everything is up in the air and my other 2 partners want to know if I am going to keep seeing you and I don't know because of how this has affected them and me and you." When I told him I wanted to continue our relationship and how hurt I feel, and how I don't want to be just friends, his response was "I can understand that." When I asked him point blank if he thought I gave it to him his response was "I don't see how." but to be honest, it sounded deflectory and insincere to me

I don't know if any of you have been in this boat before. I don't know if he's just incredibly turned around by this news, I don't know if he's just looking for a way to bail out on me, I don't know if he's just not dealing with the reality.

I am absolutely leveled by all of this, by his reaction towards me, by the questions his 2 other lovers posed. As I said, I'm not even sure if this is a poly- related question beyond there are 2 other people in the picture. Any thoughts, advice, anything would be appreciated. I'm dreadfully lost right now, and I don't know how to have the next conversation with him which is, why would it matter to those 2 other girls if he kept seeing me, since he's HSV-1 positive and likely gave it to me, and seriously, what the fuck is up with giving me an STI and then considering dumping me, and not showing up to be supportive.

CM

 

[KC43]

It doesn't really matter if it's a specific-to-poly situation. You're poly, you're in a poly relationship, and this situation is directly tied to that relationship. Therefore, it applies.

I don't know what advice to offer, though. It really sucks that apparently you're being blamed for the situation for the sole reason that you're the one who brought it to J's attention. From what you've said, it's fairly obvious that you contracted it from him, which means he must have either been carrying it or must have contracted it from one of his other partners. Part of his reaction, and that of the other partners, might be defensiveness, but it's still BS in my opinion.

To me, the way a partner handles a crisis like this is a strong indicator of whether they're someone I actually want in my life. While J and his other partners might be dealing with some defensive feelings, and with some fear and so on, they could handle those feelings themselves and still try to work *with* you for mutual support and to resolve the issue.

 

[Crowmaiden]

Thank you <3

 

[kdt26417]

Hi Crowmaiden,

Technically, anyone can *say* they've been tested, and anyone can say they tested negative. The only tests you can be 100% sure of are your own tests. Plus like you said, it's uncertain who has and hasn't specifically been tested for HSV.

Your long-distance partner does sound like he's being a jerk about it though.

With sympathy,
Kevin T.

 

[leafi]

sorry to hear

Hi

I'm sorry to hear. It must be tough especially dealing with this long distance.

Maybe some of this will help? - i was in the same boat 10 years ago.

As you said...The thing about HSV (and im no doctor) is that it is very hard to test for. You pretty much have to have active sores for a test to work properly or get one of the blood tests which will show most being positive if they came into contact with cold sores at any point in their lives. So a large number of people (like 65-75% of Americas or something..just look it up) will test positive via bloods which is partly why doctors and sexual health nurses won't check. Most people have the antibodies in their blood. Most people also don't know this and aren't really at risk of spreading it because the virus can lay dormant for very long periods of time. How often do people ask someone before kissing them if they've ever had a cold sore in their life? I don't really think many people do. Mouth to mouth transmissions happen and so does mouth to genital. So..id check with him if he gets lip cold sores first (if oral sex was involved). Then if not.. yes he could be lying that he didn't know he had it. He also could have been exposed to it a long time ago and was one of the lucky people who doesn't get symptoms and the virus remains dormant.

Please do heaps and heaps of your own research. I found opinions varied each time i talked to a doctor to figure out what was going on.

STI talks are so so hard but very important! I have been able to date poly style and getting better over time with not having panic attacks before the talk.

 

[Spork]

The stigma around HSV makes me perpetually angry. Not because I personally deal with it, but because:

1. Some people close to me, including an immediate member of the family I was born to, DO have it, and I've seen how stressful it is for them to have to disclose and deal with the stigma, for years.

2. I just really, from what I've heard from half a dozen different people, don't think it's that big a deal. It's super common. Even the worst possible effects (those having to do with pregnancy) can generally be mitigated pretty well, there are drugs to suppress symptoms, and it won't kill you. From what I hear, the frequency and severity of outbreaks sound like less of a hassle than what I deal with, from acne or menstrual symptoms either one.

So really, the shittiest part of HSV comes directly from people's perceptions of it. And to me, that's freaking awful. It all comes down to people treating people badly. Period. Sounds to me like this man's squicky feelings are mostly about the fact that he had to confront this reality and have conversations about it, and it's uncomfortable. A "don't shoot the messenger" sort of situation...you didn't create the problem, yet in a sense you DID. Because the problem isn't even the disease, it's the fact that people now have to think and talk about it. Horrors! Confronting uncomfortable realities in an honest way is hard for many people, it seems.

If anything, knowing for a fact that you and he are both positive means that if anyone should stay together and be supportive it's the two of you. If he fails to grasp this, he's pretty lousy relationship material in my opinion. While I understand that it might be challenging and he might need to process his feelings on this for a minute, hopefully he'll get his head straight and realize that you don't deserve to be treated coolly because of this. I think if he doesn't come around, it means he's just so scared of social stigma that he would rather hide his head in the sand and wish the reality would just go away.

 

[Holic]

Hi,

I'm very new to poly and am mono in my own 'interests' but found myself in a slightly similar situation last year.
I was in a mono relationship before I met my bf who is poly. We split quite quickly, however not long after I developed what I thought was a UTI. Several tests later, turns out I had chlamydia. Being new to poly and this relationship, needless to say I assumed it had come from my new bf, given his multiple sexual partners. He got tested as did everyone in his circle, he was the only one that came back positive.
Contacted my ex, he admitted to cheating for some time previously and it had come from him.

Needless to say, we were all treated, however, since then, me and my bf have had some very serious discussions (not least because I'm now pregnant) and he knows that outside of his other girlfriend who has one other mono partner, I consider this a betrayal of my trust. It's about making sure we all communicate, so if she or her other partner does go elsewhere, they are careful and then we can all be tested and intimate relations suspended until we know. We weren't communicating at all before, but thanks to a lot of advice and ideas put forward on this forum, we are all collectively working through it. It's not easy, but everyone needs to be aware and respectful. It's always uncomfortable talking about STI's but it needs to be done.

I am based in the UK, so not sure if this applies to you, but here we have clinics that will test you for free usually running on a drop in basis and it can be kept confidential, even from your own doctor if you wish. You can go as many times as you wish and they can also advise on safeguarding against these things.

If he isn't supportive, he does not sound like good relationship material. Have the other partners been tested? If not they really should be. It can be, as others have said, hard to test for hsv. Regardless, he and you positive and all of you need to have the facts.

Sorry to hear this, it is not a pleasant situation to be in.

Holic.