Hello all.
As I grapple with how much back story to share, I will say that I joined these boards because like a lot of you, probably, I feel isolated. There is no one in my live-person life I can talk to or get unbiased information from. And I am struggling with the standard emotions of jealousy, inadequacy, insecurity, resentment, etc. that come with "sharing" the love of my life.
As Sir Elton John once said, "It's lonely out in space."
My wife and I have been married for almost 10 years, known each other 12, and until last fall were monogamous. We have two wonderful young children, one in elementary school and one about to start it.
She has always expressed skepticism at monogamy as a biological "default." I was raised in a religious/conservative household in a religious/conservative state and so I have strong social conditioning in favor of monogamy. However, I have always been one who craves novelty and change in my life, and not just romantically. I like to say my interest in things burns hot and fast. My wife says I'm a textbook Sagittarius in that regard.
A year ago, we both realized through a series of events that we were dissatisfied with many (but not all) aspects of our marriage, and both had our heads turned by other people. After much gnashing of teeth and rending of garments we decided to open our marriage. We wanted to stay together because so much of our relationship and household worked well. We have always been best friends, we are great co-parents, and we make a pretty kick-ass team in many respects.
But we both need more than what the other can give us, and we are both okay with that fact.
Our open marriage is also "in the closet." Neither of our families can know, for different reasons. We don't think we have any friends who would approve or even understand.
She's had one boyfriend over the past year who she just broke it off with. He knew we had an open marriage but his wife was/is in the dark about it all. We know that couple socially. They'd begun an emotional affair before we opened the marriage. The secrecy was a big part of why my wife called it off - she hated what she was doing.
I was involved for about 5 months with a woman who did not know I was in an open marriage and whose husband didn't know anything. He found out and we ended it (force quit for you Mac users), though there has been a bit of ongoing drama. We aren't couple friends with them but have mutual friends.
Oh, and a month ago we moved cross-country. The move had implications for both of our now-done outside relationships but was not motivated by any of this. Basically, we moved from a generic place to an interesting place for the lifestyle (not to be confused with "Lifestyle"
) change.
She has been chatting with someone she met online and it is getting serious. Her new man lives out of state (different state from the one we moved from and the one we moved to) but they are beginning to talk about meeting up.
She has had a much easier time with the jealousy, resentment, etc. emotions than I have. I was never happy with her previous BF, partly because I thought the guy was an all-around grade-A asshole (a sentiment she shared, tbh), and partly because their romance started before we agreed to open the marriage. But I made my peace with it when I saw that her involvement did not diminish her love toward me, and that I was her primary partner (same goes for her). Over time it became easier to accept, but has still been a struggle.
Now with her new involvement, I am going through all those feelings of doubt, jealousy, resentment, neglect, etc. again. This time I don't have a convenient reason like "this started as an affair" to be upset. I do feel like I am processing the negative feelings better this time. I am really trying to view my feelings as my own shit to work through, not as something she is doing to me.
It's still difficult. I was hoping that after the move we could really focus on ourselves and our family and our relationship with each other. I don't want to close the marriage because I don't think what we are doing is morally wrong and I like that I have the option to bring someone new into my life if I find the right person. And, I like that she can get her emotional needs met.
Personally, I am not looking for a new relationship, though I am also not foreclosing the possibility of something happening. With the move and new job I've got a lot on my plate. At the same time, a part of me feels like I should be looking for a new partner to add "balance" since she is developing a new relationship. That's a purely emotional reaction.
After my last relationship ended the way it did, I'm determined not to get involved with anyone new unless all parties are aware and everything is above board. The secrecy and sneaking around are too much for me.
Thanks for bearing with me. Looking forward to getting to know some like-minded people!
As I grapple with how much back story to share, I will say that I joined these boards because like a lot of you, probably, I feel isolated. There is no one in my live-person life I can talk to or get unbiased information from. And I am struggling with the standard emotions of jealousy, inadequacy, insecurity, resentment, etc. that come with "sharing" the love of my life.
As Sir Elton John once said, "It's lonely out in space."
My wife and I have been married for almost 10 years, known each other 12, and until last fall were monogamous. We have two wonderful young children, one in elementary school and one about to start it.
She has always expressed skepticism at monogamy as a biological "default." I was raised in a religious/conservative household in a religious/conservative state and so I have strong social conditioning in favor of monogamy. However, I have always been one who craves novelty and change in my life, and not just romantically. I like to say my interest in things burns hot and fast. My wife says I'm a textbook Sagittarius in that regard.
A year ago, we both realized through a series of events that we were dissatisfied with many (but not all) aspects of our marriage, and both had our heads turned by other people. After much gnashing of teeth and rending of garments we decided to open our marriage. We wanted to stay together because so much of our relationship and household worked well. We have always been best friends, we are great co-parents, and we make a pretty kick-ass team in many respects.
But we both need more than what the other can give us, and we are both okay with that fact.
Our open marriage is also "in the closet." Neither of our families can know, for different reasons. We don't think we have any friends who would approve or even understand.
She's had one boyfriend over the past year who she just broke it off with. He knew we had an open marriage but his wife was/is in the dark about it all. We know that couple socially. They'd begun an emotional affair before we opened the marriage. The secrecy was a big part of why my wife called it off - she hated what she was doing.
I was involved for about 5 months with a woman who did not know I was in an open marriage and whose husband didn't know anything. He found out and we ended it (force quit for you Mac users), though there has been a bit of ongoing drama. We aren't couple friends with them but have mutual friends.
Oh, and a month ago we moved cross-country. The move had implications for both of our now-done outside relationships but was not motivated by any of this. Basically, we moved from a generic place to an interesting place for the lifestyle (not to be confused with "Lifestyle"
) change.She has been chatting with someone she met online and it is getting serious. Her new man lives out of state (different state from the one we moved from and the one we moved to) but they are beginning to talk about meeting up.
She has had a much easier time with the jealousy, resentment, etc. emotions than I have. I was never happy with her previous BF, partly because I thought the guy was an all-around grade-A asshole (a sentiment she shared, tbh), and partly because their romance started before we agreed to open the marriage. But I made my peace with it when I saw that her involvement did not diminish her love toward me, and that I was her primary partner (same goes for her). Over time it became easier to accept, but has still been a struggle.
Now with her new involvement, I am going through all those feelings of doubt, jealousy, resentment, neglect, etc. again. This time I don't have a convenient reason like "this started as an affair" to be upset. I do feel like I am processing the negative feelings better this time. I am really trying to view my feelings as my own shit to work through, not as something she is doing to me.
It's still difficult. I was hoping that after the move we could really focus on ourselves and our family and our relationship with each other. I don't want to close the marriage because I don't think what we are doing is morally wrong and I like that I have the option to bring someone new into my life if I find the right person. And, I like that she can get her emotional needs met.
Personally, I am not looking for a new relationship, though I am also not foreclosing the possibility of something happening. With the move and new job I've got a lot on my plate. At the same time, a part of me feels like I should be looking for a new partner to add "balance" since she is developing a new relationship. That's a purely emotional reaction.
After my last relationship ended the way it did, I'm determined not to get involved with anyone new unless all parties are aware and everything is above board. The secrecy and sneaking around are too much for me.
Thanks for bearing with me. Looking forward to getting to know some like-minded people!
