Still trying to figure it out..

W

Wanderer16

New member
Hey there,

In some ways I'm not entirely sure how I ended up here, but I do my best to live intuitively, because for me that's most honest, and I keep finding myself looking up/looking at/considering polyamory. To be honest, I'm a gay woman and that whole process of coming out was pretty much a nightmare for me on the inside, in terms of coming to grips with the honest truth about me vs. what always felt like others wanted me to be/what's "normal" so to be here and considering that I may be more poly-inclined (if that's even a thing) hurts in similar ways that coming out as gay did.

I've had many monogamous relationships, some in secret, some openly. All of which have failed the way I've been doing them. Honestly, the happiest I'd ever been in regard to feeling true to myself was actually an affair with a married woman who was also trying to break free from a lifelong entrapment in a religious cult... Dramatic I know, I seem to be good at that. But the reason I was happiest was because I absolutely knew I had absolutely NO CONTROL over what she did, what she wanted or how she felt. I knew I may not be the only person she was sleeping with and I was okay with that and just wanted her to be honest with me (for emotional as well as physical health reasons). I was honest with myself and with her, I was grounded in my choices and I felt empowered and free. I felt like I really saw her and she really saw me because we weren't projecting all these "shoulds" onto each other. And most profoundly, we had an amazing friendship and emotional intimacy. I cared more about if she was happy than if she was with me. It was a detached attachment I hadn't experienced before. Anyways, the relationship ended for a number of reasons, primarily the trauma of all the chaos that came about when we started to "come out" to our worlds...the intensity was too much and we just kind of imploded. We still talk to this day, the love is still there but we both recognize we're in different places now. Fast forward, now I'm in a relationship that's much more straight forward monogamous and as much as I love my partner and can see a wonderful future with her, I'm not happy and free like I was when I had less expectations for who I was in love with and when I felt like we were simply living in the moment, trusting ourselves and not worrying about labels or rules or what we were "supposed" to be. In all my monogamous relationships, I've never had the sense of freedom and personal empowerment and, honestly, selfless love as I did when I fell in love with someone that I knew I couldn't possess or own, that I had to let go of to a certain degree so she could be happy which brought me more happiness. I feel pressured and suffocated in all my relationships, like I can't ever truly be honest without hurting my partner...and that sucks.
Needless to say I'm in a process of self-discovery which is always wonderful and fantastic when it's in hindsight, but I'm really in it right now and it's confusing and scary. I've talked with my partner about us being an "open" relationship, and she's wonderful enough to talk about it with me, but there's also moments where it seems emotionally she couldn't handle having to "share" me. I'm clear that's it's not about having sex with multiple people, sex is great and awesome but only if it's with someone I trust and care about and feel safe with. I just love people, I don't have many friends, but I have some deep quality friendships that when I talk about them some people say they sound like my lovers. And that's just me, I've always been that way. I've met some truly mature amazing self-aware polyamorous people over the years and I've always admired and in some ways envied the depth of them and their partners.

So I don't know, I'm here, I keep telling myself I'm not lost I'm just wandering. Thanks for being here and thanks for letting me say some stuff that I still have a hard time saying out loud. And if I can make a request, I'd love to hear if others struggled to accept this about themselves as I feel I am. Thanks again.
Be easy,
Wanderer16
 
Greetings Wanderer16,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

While I wouldn't say it was hard for me to decide I was going to be polyamorous, I would say it was hard for me to get to the point where I was ready to leave the Mormon church. And there can be no polyamory in the Mormon church; it is strictly forbidden.

It sounds like polyamory (even a bit of relationship anarchy) has been in your heart for a long time. No one is lost if they're discovering who they truly are. If you keep reading, posting, and exploring on Polyamory.com, you will realize that you are not alone; there are a great many people who are poly. This site only hosts a fraction of that. In fact there are monogamous people out there who are only monogamous because that's how they were taught to be, and they don't know that there is any alternative.

I hope you'll enjoy your time on our site and make yourself at home here. I always follow the threads on the intro board, so you can always ping me by posting in this thread.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 
Wanderer16 said:
Hey there,
In all my monogamous relationships, I've never had the sense of freedom and personal empowerment and, honestly, selfless love as I did when I fell in love with someone that I knew I couldn't possess or own, that I had to let go of to a certain degree so she could be happy which brought me more happiness.
Click to expand...

That's interesting. Could you imagine telling people up front something like you don't do monogamous relationships, that you can't be possessed or owned (so to speak)?
 
Leander said:
That's interesting. Could you imagine telling people up front something like you don't do monogamous relationships, that you can't be possessed or owned (so to speak)?
Click to expand...

Honestly, I feel like I absolutely could. The situation I'm in now though isn't as clean cut. I've been with my partner a year now and it's only after so much time has passed that I realize the confinement I feel in this monogamous relationship is a source of my unhappiness/lack of fulfillment. It feels much harder to go to my partner now and make that statement than it would if we were just beginning to date. I suppose it's possible, the fear is simply that she'd say she can't do that and would leave, when ultimately the goal is to keep her in my life while still being true to myself...honestly, I think I'm getting there, but I'm not there yet, so it's just scary.
 
Easier after a year than after 5 years... or 25.
 
Yep. Easier now than decades in.

I suppose it's possible, the fear is simply that she'd say she can't do that and would leave, when ultimately the goal is to keep her in my life while still being true to myself...honestly, I think I'm getting there, but I'm not there yet, so it's just scary.
Click to expand...

You do not want anyone owning or possessing or controlling you. So... what's up with the bold section? Are you able to see how it can seem like you want to own/posess/or control her? :confused:

It's ok to feel scared. But feed what you ultimately want, not feed the fear.

In all my monogamous relationships, I've never had the sense of freedom and personal empowerment and, honestly, selfless love as I did when I fell in love with someone that I knew I couldn't possess or own, that I had to let go of to a certain degree so she could be happy which brought me more happiness.
Click to expand...

So you were happiest when your partner could choose to be how she wanted to be and you could choose how you wanted to be. You enjoyed a sense of freedom, and personal empowerment doing that.

Why can't that happen now? You are not willing to be honestly state where you want to be? You are not willing for your current partner digest that and then state how she wants to be? And let outcome just be what it is?

Whether together as a couple, broken up and friends, or broken up and not friends... you sound like you would be happier in the long run.

Could not sweat the short run. Could focus on the long run.

Galagirl
 
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Wanderer16 said:
Honestly, I feel like I absolutely could. The situation I'm in now though isn't as clean cut. I've been with my partner a year now and it's only after so much time has passed that I realize the confinement I feel in this monogamous relationship is a source of my unhappiness/lack of fulfillment. It feels much harder to go to my partner now and make that statement than it would if we were just beginning to date. I suppose it's possible, the fear is simply that she'd say she can't do that and would leave, when ultimately the goal is to keep her in my life while still being true to myself...honestly, I think I'm getting there, but I'm not there yet, so it's just scary.
Click to expand...

Yeh, a statement like that can be great while things are starting because it helps define everything. Later I imagine it could seem like a sudden and harsh ultimatum, which it doesn't necessarily have to be.

You wrote earlier that you are struggling to accept yourself as poly. Have you been able to talk to anyone close about this at length? Seems like the kind of transition that benefits from a sympathetic ear.
 
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