punkrockmomma
New member
I just noticed it's been five years since I posted on here, yikes! Boy have things changed since then. I am looking forward to connecting with people again outside of this difficult situation I'm talking about....thank you everyone in advance for any advice you offer 
What can I say, my main squeeze and I have gone down our path in a rather difficult fashion.
We met on Tinder back in November, but due to extraneous circumstances in our lives didn't have our first date til a month later. He cooked me a wonderful dinner, we talked and laughed ( which included talking about non-monogamy) had passionate sex and he drove me to the airport in the wee hours as I was going on holidays for a month to see my poly family. We talked for another month, he picked me up from the airport when I got home, then we spent most of the next four days together and it was lovely.
My poly experience is mostly in theory, most of my poly dating/relationship experiences over the last ten years have not gone well. My love and I have never been monogamous, he's not the best communicator so there were a lot of things that went without saying...and admittedly I did not ask enough questions. Which leads to where things have been a rough struggle for a month now.
My main squeeze was fluid bonded with another woman and gave me an STI...there was a huge amount of fallout in his life because he was seeing four women. He was honest with me, took me to the clinic, filled my prescription and yeah. We blew out badly over lack of transparency and it got pretty ugly, we took a breather for a week, talked and got back together again. Unfortunately for me the STI issue dragged on because I was unresponsive to the first round of antibiotics, two more rounds and a month later and I'm finally clean.
My love only divorced a year ago because he was in a monogamous relationship and he's not a monogamous person. Unfortunately he still has many monogamous habits. He jumped into poly head first bit off more than he could chew. Which is where our next crisis happened..... I'm an accounting major, I offered to sort his work receipts for him, and came across an expensive ring purchase on Valentine's Day when he said he wanted to be alone. I have a fair bit of anxiety, I also am diagnosed with PTSD and depression. I wound up fast, I was shaking and wanted to leave after finding the receipt. He calmly said I'm going to help you through this, and came clean with me. He was overwhelmed and didn't know what to do, and this is what happened.
Since the debacle with the STI we've been fighting a lot, we're both headstrong people with very different communication styles so it's taking a lot of work finding a common ground. He finds me interrogatory, yet he admits to being highly compartmentalized. I'm an open book and have no issue with any questions asked of me. He is making steps to assuage my anxiety and understand what I need, and I'm learning to frame my questions in a way that doesn't unsettle and put him on the spot.
Here's where I'm having trouble....the STI stuff cleared the herd, and it's now me and one other partner, the one he bought the pricey ring for. I asked him what she means to him because that's important to me as I want him to be happy, and he said I really don't know. They've known each other since high school, but only became involved a couple months before we met. She did not want a poly relationship initially, but he said that changed when they started spending more time together. This time is coming at my expense and he doesn't realize it. He's not good with scheduling at the best of times. She doesn't live in the same city as us, the jealousy pangs are riding high that they've spent the last two weekends together in NY.
Human nature is to take the path of least resistance, despite all of our difficulties he's continued to express wanting to be with me, and is making active choices to work on our relationship. I'm going to communicate to him that he needs to start devoting more energy to our relationship again. My love is terrible with time and scheduling, I do have to give him credit he's realizing this though and recognizing and acknowledging to me when it's affecting me.
My best friend and his wife have been poly for twenty years and have an amazing relationship, he's been coaching me through the rough spots with this. My main squeeze has messed up, he knows it and I know it. I'm not an easy person to be with either. I have a lot of trauma and abuse in my past, it's easy for me to project past events onto other people.....made worse because he and I have had to weather so many difficulties lately. As my best friend pointed out, this is new to him. He's recovering from a major monogamous hangover, but he is learning and you two are not making the same mistakes over and over again. Holy cow, this is hard though. I'm emotionally spent, and keep having to fight off old defense mechanisms. My best friend truly feels that if my main squeeze and I can get past all these hurdles we will come out the other side even stronger as people, with a very good relationship....it's just the getting there.
What can I say, my main squeeze and I have gone down our path in a rather difficult fashion.
We met on Tinder back in November, but due to extraneous circumstances in our lives didn't have our first date til a month later. He cooked me a wonderful dinner, we talked and laughed ( which included talking about non-monogamy) had passionate sex and he drove me to the airport in the wee hours as I was going on holidays for a month to see my poly family. We talked for another month, he picked me up from the airport when I got home, then we spent most of the next four days together and it was lovely.
My poly experience is mostly in theory, most of my poly dating/relationship experiences over the last ten years have not gone well. My love and I have never been monogamous, he's not the best communicator so there were a lot of things that went without saying...and admittedly I did not ask enough questions. Which leads to where things have been a rough struggle for a month now.
My main squeeze was fluid bonded with another woman and gave me an STI...there was a huge amount of fallout in his life because he was seeing four women. He was honest with me, took me to the clinic, filled my prescription and yeah. We blew out badly over lack of transparency and it got pretty ugly, we took a breather for a week, talked and got back together again. Unfortunately for me the STI issue dragged on because I was unresponsive to the first round of antibiotics, two more rounds and a month later and I'm finally clean.
My love only divorced a year ago because he was in a monogamous relationship and he's not a monogamous person. Unfortunately he still has many monogamous habits. He jumped into poly head first bit off more than he could chew. Which is where our next crisis happened..... I'm an accounting major, I offered to sort his work receipts for him, and came across an expensive ring purchase on Valentine's Day when he said he wanted to be alone. I have a fair bit of anxiety, I also am diagnosed with PTSD and depression. I wound up fast, I was shaking and wanted to leave after finding the receipt. He calmly said I'm going to help you through this, and came clean with me. He was overwhelmed and didn't know what to do, and this is what happened.
Since the debacle with the STI we've been fighting a lot, we're both headstrong people with very different communication styles so it's taking a lot of work finding a common ground. He finds me interrogatory, yet he admits to being highly compartmentalized. I'm an open book and have no issue with any questions asked of me. He is making steps to assuage my anxiety and understand what I need, and I'm learning to frame my questions in a way that doesn't unsettle and put him on the spot.
Here's where I'm having trouble....the STI stuff cleared the herd, and it's now me and one other partner, the one he bought the pricey ring for. I asked him what she means to him because that's important to me as I want him to be happy, and he said I really don't know. They've known each other since high school, but only became involved a couple months before we met. She did not want a poly relationship initially, but he said that changed when they started spending more time together. This time is coming at my expense and he doesn't realize it. He's not good with scheduling at the best of times. She doesn't live in the same city as us, the jealousy pangs are riding high that they've spent the last two weekends together in NY.
Human nature is to take the path of least resistance, despite all of our difficulties he's continued to express wanting to be with me, and is making active choices to work on our relationship. I'm going to communicate to him that he needs to start devoting more energy to our relationship again. My love is terrible with time and scheduling, I do have to give him credit he's realizing this though and recognizing and acknowledging to me when it's affecting me.
My best friend and his wife have been poly for twenty years and have an amazing relationship, he's been coaching me through the rough spots with this. My main squeeze has messed up, he knows it and I know it. I'm not an easy person to be with either. I have a lot of trauma and abuse in my past, it's easy for me to project past events onto other people.....made worse because he and I have had to weather so many difficulties lately. As my best friend pointed out, this is new to him. He's recovering from a major monogamous hangover, but he is learning and you two are not making the same mistakes over and over again. Holy cow, this is hard though. I'm emotionally spent, and keep having to fight off old defense mechanisms. My best friend truly feels that if my main squeeze and I can get past all these hurdles we will come out the other side even stronger as people, with a very good relationship....it's just the getting there.
