I'm sorry you struggle.
Just to be clear, group sex is not a requirement in poly. It's a thing of its own. Some people might do both polyamory and group sex, maybe other things too. Some people do poly and NEVER do group sex.
He has always known and is comfortable with me having another woman. Just recently, we had a relationship with another woman. I was sexually involved with her, but he wasn't. My husband stated that he might touch and caress her. I am struggling with this. He doesn't want to sleep with her. Am I not ready, or being selfish?
It sounds like there was a one-time group sex encounter. That, to me, is not a "relationship."
He wanted to watch. You were up for that, and so was Lady. So you and Lady shared sex while he watched. That was the extent of his participation that time. There was an option for him to share sex with just you, but no, it was just watching.
Now he wants to do another group sex encounter and this time he wants to participate by touching and caressing Lady. You are not up for that. Lady might not be up for that either. Just because he wants things doesn't mean they
automatically happen.
People have to negotiate/consent to new encounters and define what is and is not on the table for that time.
If this was "one and done" for you, say so. Or if you want to continue seeing her/dating her, but don't want to date the same person as your husband, say so. If you prefer to stop with the group sex and date separately, say so.
If this is an open marriage, is there some reason he can't go date separate people, or have a threesome elsewhere?
Just because you were up for a little voyeur thing doesn't mean you have to be up for it again, or ever.
Maybe the consent cartoons might help you.
One of the most controversial points in the modern discussion of rape is consent. Comic artist Alli Kirkham helped clear the question up with a series of 7 comics that illustrate sexual consent issues with everyday situations that are easier for everyone to understand. Social Issues
www.boredpanda.com
Your consent to participate in things or not belongs to YOU.
Am I not ready or being selfish?
Ready for what? Selfish about what? Your body belongs to YOU. You get to share it, or not, how you want with consenting partners. Nobody is "owed" any kind of sex, certainly not group sex or voyeurism.
You don't have to date the same people as your husband. I think it's better if you date your own people, and he dates his separate people, and not just piggy-back on your social skills.
Doing a one time experiment thing? It's one time. You aren't obligated to do it again with either of these folks. Maybe you don't even want to date Lady.
Think about what YOU want. What kinds of non-monogamy do YOU actually want? Do you even want polyamory? If you come from a swinging background or cheating background with the ex husband, do you need more education, to learn what OTHER kinds of non-monogamy there are?
You current husband could do the same, educate himself on what kinds of non-monogamy he is and is not up for. Then you compare lists and see what's actually on both lists, what actually aligns, that you can share together, and what's NOT going to be shared together.
Some people are "monogamish," like, they're monogamous most of the the time, and once in a great while they might be up for casual sex with other partners separately, or a group sex thing. It depends.
It's not perfect and there are other resources, but the Opening Up book has worksheets. You might do those in colors -- green for "good to go", yellow for "caution," red means "stop and check in," black means "no way in hell." Then you compare your sheets with husband's. See what you both have in common.
You can read "Opening Up" free online.
The worksheets are also here:
Wayback Machine
Self Evaluation
Wayback Machine
Creating Authentic Relationships
Wayback Machine
Reflecting on Change
Wayback Machine
Open Relationship Checklist
Additional worksheets from another author are here.
https://fiercewaterfall.com/worksheets/crafting-open-relationships.pdf
You figure out what YOU actually want, your husband figures out what HE actually wants, then you talk with each other and see what aligns.
Galagirl
