Struggling this week. Advice requested

A

Athonel

New member
First time poster.

My wife and I have been married for about five years, and a few months ago my wife came out to me as poly. It took me about a month to adjust and accept that she wanted/had a boyfriend. I had the typical questions and feelings (inadequacy, jealousy, etc.) but we worked through it. Her boyfriend and I became friends (side note he lives several states away) and things were going relatively smoothly for a few months. My wife started to show signs that she was being emotionally neglected, but she expressed that it was her boyfriend neglecting her, and not me. Fast forward 6 weeks later and they broke up. However, they had been friends for 10+ years, and she refused to through away the friendship.

Now to where I need advice. They have tried to hash out some things, but during that process, he yelled at her. That is a hard limit for me. I refuse to yell at my wife, no matter how upset I am. My wife told me that he yelled at her and it pissed me off and made me feel territorial.

Am I justified in establishing a "no yelling" rule? Should I stay out of their relationship troubles with the caveat that my wife keeps me informed on if she is "okay" and their relationship status?

For the record, I still am not totally okay with my wife being poly. I don't want to share her emotionally, physically, but she still wants him.

Thanks for the advice.
 
First... am I understanding correctly that your wife "came out to you as poly" *after* she started seeing another man? That isn't poly... that's cheating. Poly is open and honest right from the start.

That aside...

No, you shouldn't set ANY "rules" for your partner's partner. Or for her, for that matter. Rules are a means of controlling someone else's behavior, and that's not really something you can do with another competent adult.

You can express to your wife that you don't like it when her boyfriend yells at her, but after that, it's up to her how or whether to handle it. It's *their* relationship; you're not part of it. You're just an onlooker. You can also tell her that you would like her to keep you informed of their relationship status, and you would like to be able to check in with her to make sure she's okay, but she doesn't have to agree to either of those things. It's up to her.
 
No you do not get to flex your muscle in their relationship.
 
We discussed her having a relationship without my knowledge, and that was a major part of what took me a while to understand.

As for the other part of my question, thanks for your advice.
 
Re (from Athonel):
"Am I justified in establishing a 'no yelling' rule? Should I stay out of their relationship troubles with the caveat that my wife keeps me informed on if she is 'okay' and their relationship status?"
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I would suggest minimal involvement in your wife's relationship with this other man. Your wife is an adult, she should be able to fend for herself, and know if and when she should distance herself from that guy.

Any rules you do establish, will be of no effect unless there is a penalty for breaking the rule. You have to think of something that you have moral power to do, and there isn't much you can do besides breaking up with her.

So, I wouldn't require your wife to keep you informed on if she is okay and their relationship status, either. Not just for her sake, but for yours. I suspect that hearing a lot about their dealings with each other is stressing you out.

It's up to you, of course. Those are just some of my initial thoughts on the matter.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
Athonel said:
.... during that process, he yelled at her. That is a hard limit for me. I refuse to yell at my wife, no matter how upset I am. My wife told me that he yelled at her and it pissed me off and made me feel territorial.

Am I justified in establishing a "no yelling" rule? Should I stay out of their relationship troubles with the caveat that my wife keeps me informed on if she is "okay" and their relationship status?
Click to expand...

As the others have said, you need to stay out of her relationship. Yelling is your trigger point and your rule for yourself, not hers. Personally, yelling doesn't faze me a bit. I don't encounter it much, but when I do I take it as just another emotion passing by. Yelling doesn't mean to everyone what it means to you (come to New York!) and your wife is capable of setting her own boundaries with what's acceptable in her life. Even if she weren't, your getting territorial and trying to set them for her won't help her a bit.
 
Athonel said:
For the record, I still am not totally okay with my wife being poly. I don't want to share her emotionally, physically, but she still wants him.
Click to expand...
If this were a fully consenting and agreeable poly arrangement between you two, I'd say you should not try to lay rules down and try to manage her other relationship -- and you couldn't enforce that kind of rule and make him listen to you, anyway -- but I think there is a much more important issue to address. Here's what I don't understand:

She announces she's poly, and only a month after she tells you that, she has a boyfriend. Huh, what? How did that happen so fast? No time discussing things with you, she just hopped right into getting a lover? Was she cheating before she told you she's poly?

In addition, it seems you're not really giving full consent - you're acquiescing for some reason, not sure what.... Perhaps a fear that you'll lose her if you don't go along with it? Not realizing you have every right to say NO, and not give your consent? She wasn't willing to give you more time to process this HUGE change she wants in your dynamic?

You say you "don't want to share her emotionally, physically," so why are you going along with this? Is she bullying you into it? Something smells pretty bad here.
 
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I'm with cindie on this one. It feels a bit like you are latching onto anything you can in order to justify why this person is a bad match for her, so you have an excuse to ask her to stop seeing him, when actually I think all you need to say is "I don't like the direction our relationship is going in. This is too fast for me. Can we stop and talk about this."

It sounds like she really is rushing you and pushing you past your limits here. It can be really hard to tell someone you love that no, you are not okay and here is why, but you absolutely have to as she's not a mind-reader. It doesn't sound to me like you are closed-minded to poly, and to the eventual opening up of your relationship. And that in itself is HUGE. Many poly people who are trying to open up a pre-existing relationship would love to be in your wife's position. You seem very understanding to me. But there's no sense in pushing yourself to be instantly okay with everything all at once, ESPECIALLY if this did start off as cheating, or otherwise pushed the limits of your trust. Step one is always about making sure you are both on the same page as one another, and right now, you are on chapter one, and she is half way through the damned book.

Whilst I don't think there is a perfect way to open up a relationship that causes no-one any discomfort at all, there are definitely some ways that make things easier than others. I think in trying to super-man your way through this, you and she could do irreparable damage to your marriage. Even if you've both spent this last month off work, in an isolated log cabin, talking it over for twelve hours at a time and following that up with mind-blowing reconnecting sex, there is no way you and she could have talked through all of the practical and emotional implications of this change and be in a position for her to already be in a relationship with another man. No way. So speak up now. Send her here for some advice from people who have been in her shoes if you have to. But don't just try to struggle on through it. It's quite likely for things to get worse, not better. :(
 
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