Struggling to breathe

[LovingRadiance]

I've been married to Maca for 11 years. I had an affair off/on for many of those years with GG.

I came out as poly a year ago. I only share this to reference my perspective in what I'm about to say.

Steve is being an ass.

Can it work? Yes. But first you need to fix what is wrong. You can't build a mansion on top of a rotting house that has a faulty foundation.

Can it work with the three of you? Possibly. But you still can't make that happen until you fix the problems.

If Merida is "possibly going to move on," then it wasn't meant to be. Period.

GG and I have been friends for 17 years. When all hell broke loose and the affair came out in the open, we didn't see each other for over six months. Our contact was limited even by mail/email/phone, because there was nothing we could do until the horror that was the aftermath of me breaking Maca's heart was dealt with.

There is no way you can move forward first. That's a disaster waiting to happen.

I tried my best, as the cheater, to give Maca time, freedom, whatever, before moving forward.

He lied to himself (not intentionally), and here we are struggling, because he found that he wasn't healed enough to deal with moving forward. So with 5 kids at home, he's living elsewhere, trying to deal with his emotions.

Take time to be sure you are in a healthy place for yourself before ever adding a new person to your dynamic. Period.

 

[redpepper]

Well said, LR. The foundation is so important. Without it, it's just a house of cards waiting for the first wind.

 

[Seekinganswer]

Thanks for the responses. Yes, the weekend showed us the issues that were disturbing, so we decided to stick to the things we are all comfortable doing. The occasional tense moment occurs when one of us jumps ahead of the rest or exerts pressure. We try to communicate more to stave off any discomfort for either of us.

For Steve and me, our marriage feels like some door has opened, letting in more openness, intimacy and fun. However, there is still so much to work on rebuilding trust and insecurities that came after the affair. A day at a time...

 

[Seekinganswer]

@redpepper, the reading, researching and seeking answers goes on. I found some very good posts on affairs and polyamory. Thanks.

 

[Seekinganswer]

You are right, GS.

It's okay. Hold on. Your first trial went pretty much as expected for most people. It's just one of the hurdles you get past, nothing more. Try not to read more into it than it deserves.

I started over-analysing, which made me feel even more tense and sad. I still catch myself doing it, and stop myself before I derail onto the wrong path.

,In an ideal world, all three of you would have had a discussion prior that went something like, "Okay, this is going to be uncomfortable for all of us this time. Let's understand right up front a lot of that discomfort is going to come from old programming, and all commit to calling that out and fighting through it. Let's try to only acknowledge any areas of discomfort that are coming from what we see right now in front of us, not what's attached to the old paradigm.

Funnily, we had this talk afterwards. This will help us figure out what we are comfortable with for now. Contrary to what I expected, Steve seemed more at peace after THE weekend. I thought he would get worked up and edgy that it didn't turn out as expected, but he said he consciously decided to relax and go with the flow. This, and that liberated feeling you mentioned, is giving him positive energy. Merida has also followed suit and seems more at ease. Before this, she was somewhat disturbed that everything seems to hang on my comfort. I am thankful that it is. I do wonder though, how you know that you are in the right place emotionally.